I can't lie and say I haven't thought about it over the years. Especially in the early times post divorce, when I was still in love with him. Yes, I know that makes me officially crazy to have ever even considered it, but I have to own my issues no matter how big or small they are!
But this past year, he and I have been growing apart, and by that I mean, at least for me, finally falling out of love. I still care about him, I still love him as one does any person they spent 8 years of their life with, but I'm no longer IN love with him. This past month has been really, really monumental, in that I have only seen him one time, and have actually gone several days in a row without talking.
So anyway, last night I have this dream that I am marrying him again. I can't remember all the details right now, but I do know that I was in a room with several of my girlfriends, and they kept telling me I had to get my dress on and get ready, and it was time and he was waiting and all those things, and I kept dragging my feet and thinking to myself "I made this mistake once. Why am I making it again?" At one point I remember saying "What are we doing tonight? Just in case I don't get married...we could all go out or something!" and somebody said "You are thinking about not marrying him again?" and I said "I've been thinking about it for a long time, and now I need to do something about it before it's too late."
The funny thing is that I had very similar feelings the first time I married him. For three months before our wedding I had a website called "There Goes the Bride" on my favorites list. It was about women who cancelled their weddings. That should have been my first clue, right? And the day of my wedding, as the doors opened and my son and I stood there about to walk down the aisle, I remember feeling frozen and thinking "OK this is your last chance to get out of this!", and Jordan kind of tugged at my arm and said "C'mon Mom!"....and off I went. Yet another red flag I chose to ignore.
...back to reality....
Anyway, the most significant thing about this dream is that I could actually feel the emotion of "I do not want to marry him anymore". That is huge for me! You have no idea.
Somewhere in my subconcious, I have finally given myself permission to feel that personal truth, and I cannot tell you how freeing it is. I've suspected it for awhile now, but wouldn't let myself actually go there because somehow it made me (yet again!) feel like a failure...because if marrying him the first time turned out to be the biggest hurt of my life, then admitting I wouldn't marry him again somehow pointed the finger at me for ever making the mistake in the first place. I know that sounds warped but it's how I feel. As a very wise woman told me recently...
Oh, the damage we do to ourselves after everyone else is finished!
For the first time in three LONG years, I feel like I have made peace with my divorce. And I cannot tell you how amazingly wonderful that feels. It's been a very long time coming, and I am really, truly, finally ready to put my marriage and divorce behind me, and move on with my life. And I'm happy about that.
So tell me, have you ever had a dream that really turned things around for you, or made something much clearer?
17 comments:
Hope he has moved on and you no longer will be bothered by him because reading through your blogs you still have way to many connections with him and it seems as though you like it that way. Hope you make it.
I do still have connections with him. He is associated with my company, so we have a business relationship. I have a close relationship with his mother, and we have one last legal binding tie for another 496 days. At some point those things will all be rectified. Our legal tie will expire, and when his mother passes away he plans to move to Vegas which will eliminate him working for my company. For now we are connected, eventually we won't be.
I am pulling for you Julie. I just know from experience that once he finds someone else it will be easier for you. Thats what we all want is what is good for you. You sound strong an determined, you will be fine for sure. It's a hard road for us that have traveled it. Good Luck!
Julie, that dream was a blessing it seems. Gave you clear thoughts that made you really think and sort things out. I can't imagine all the feelings and mixed emotions that come with a divorce. I hope you found the peace you want/need.
It sounds like you're finally getting to that point where all is good and I'm so happy for you! You deserve to be at peace.
Now strip to your nekkid-ness and run through the streets yellin I'm Free I'm Free...
YAY Jules i am so happy for you! I can honestly say I never once had those feelings with my ex and after reading your post i am glad i didnt i got enough issues as it is...
Luv ya girlie
It's good to know you may have hit a spot where you can have a better relationship with the ex.
I too have had an epiphany recently - I will share it, maybe tomorrow.
Good for you my friend! You deserve to finally move on. I'm proud of you!
Play on Player
It's not crazy at all. Often times after a break up is when you love the person the most.
"Play on, Player"?
What does that mean? And who is my anonymous poster...at least identify yourself please! :)
It means that it sounds like you have a plan and you feel good about it so Play on, be happy.
Wow no but thank GOD you finally had this dream!! You know I have prayed for the day to hear you say its finally over in your mind as well as your heart!! Free at last Free at last my long lost friend is free at last.. welcome back I missed you buddy!!
Cher
Julie, it IS freeing to hit that reality. I remember when I found out that my ex was cheating and that she was a girl that he worked with. She was 19 years old (but I think younger) and he was 46. I had a hard time with the emotions. I hated him, loved him, hated and despised him, yet, loved him until I dreamed that she ended up pregnant. It hit me when I woke up that that probably would happen because she was illegally here.
Cut to 6 months ago....she got pregnant and he did marry her. So, once I had that dream, it sealed it for me. Then, realizing that my dream did come true...I knew there was no turning back!
Good for you! Keep on moving forward!!
Our dreams sometimes gives us the clearest view. Your dream signifies that you have moved on. Emotionally.
Letting go is one of the hardest things to do even when you know it's right.
Going through my divorce, I dreamt I was swimming in the ocean and my ex was trying to hang on to me. I could actually feel him pulling me while I tried to swim away.
Girl, I think we have a lot in common.
Grant me the serenity to finally make peace with Ronny. And if you cannot, grant me some bigassed boxing gloves to take his pathetic ass down.
wow, that is a SCARY dream.
When we were married ~ or should I say pre-divorce b/c the "marriage" was pretty much OVER with ~ we did a fair amount of driving through the States. Military moves and the like...anyway, he'd be driving and I'd be half asleep in the passenger seat dreaming repeatedly that I was outside of the car running down the highway and trying to keep up till I was a skeleton. I was eroded. Ewwwww. Analyze that.
It's good to be free, isn't it?
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