Haven't had any of these for awhile....

From my favorite website, Texts From Last Night

(816): They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze

(925): While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

(732): i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

(832): The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

(760): You did not just play the dead husband card again.

(215): How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

(201): I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.

(614): When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

(310): based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

(610): At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
(856): Right after we had the just friends talk..

(760): so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

(610): Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic or senior citizen of the year?
(1-610): I'm so glad i pay social security

(951): So I just googled the ten commandments... We’re fucked.

(641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

(678): How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?

(417): My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

(714): Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

(727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camouflage to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

(714): I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.

(703): just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.

(336): I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead

(484): I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar

And my personal favorite....

(518): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Oh Canada! LOL

Tuesday's Texts From Last Night

I can't help it. They make me laugh out loud.

(512): They should make Jack Daniels chap stick

(541): I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.

(248): so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision

(262): I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
(715): Worst stoner tragedy.

(347): Leave Me Alone
(573): At least least me cry on your voice mail

(541): I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people

(210): I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling..

(864): u downloaded tardy 4 the party
(864): then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record

(859): Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.

(828): As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

(608): imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

(949): Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s

(315): I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"

(508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

(937): We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve

(623): listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
(202): Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.

(865): is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

(864): After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!

(859): make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

(515): I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there

(504): I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation

(914): Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.

It's time for more....

Texts from Last Night!!!! Enjoy!!

(937): i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus

(360): Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.

(586): yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.

(305): gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
(970): did you ask her what wine to pair it with?

(909): so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes

(334): I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out

(216): I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.

(954): a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube

(709): so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

(510): Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.

(812): i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

(915): so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
(1-915): who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

(763): I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
(612): I want my thong back.
(763): I hate you tequila.

(717): I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"

(248): Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?

(204): My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

(706): I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.

(678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
(404): You mean bread?

Tuesday's Texts From Last Night

It's that time again....more quotes from Texts from Last Night. Enjoy!

(502): I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.

(706): im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick

(804): god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.

(949): you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."

(410): I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
(412): I cherish every text you send me

(518): you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'

(916): do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?

(337): I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.

(816): We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.

(540): Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.

(614): Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers

(512): boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.

(651): my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego

(702): the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!

(817): she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'

(917): you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys

(904): i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.


(541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

And my favorite....

(912): I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person.

Happy Tuesday!

I'm easily entertained.

More "Texts From Last Night". Humor me.

(801): You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.

(917): i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!

(423): i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.

(502): you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...

(425): Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.

(978): ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

(740): at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!

(614): this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had

(559): my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding

(248): I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time

(781): i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

(402): her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed

(828): There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
(402): Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
(402): The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

(718): Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."

(412): i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes

(905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
(1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

(484): Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
(215): Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks

(972): some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

(757): 6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.

(707): OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
(1-707): Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

(978): my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

(520): The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.

More Texts From Last Night. I can't help myself.

Don't worry, I won't post the really disgustingly hilarious nasty ones, even though they bring tears to my eyes. I won't let my blog get that down and dirty!

Here you go, some of my recent favorites. Enjoy!


(406): we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

(870): I look better un-naked...

(313): sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
(1-313): but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.

(585): She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
(585): Aren't divorce parties fun?
(1-585): You and I have very different definitions of fun.

(281): I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy

(215): Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
(610): Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.

(407): Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot

(520): But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

(850): JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

(860): And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds

(704): I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
(803): Genius.

(253): I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
(281): No. Just liquor. Time's no good.

(812): If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

(770): If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day. (Julie's Note....Deb? Does this work?)

(405): I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...

(317): when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single

(913): Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

(813): I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?

(662): Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
(780): I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

(908): Are you okay?
(508): Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.

(972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

(570): I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better

(347): Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service. (OMG, I can't believe I just posted that. But it made me laugh out loud.)

(404): Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again. (OMG! I can't believe I posted that either!)

(416): Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.

(360): is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
(503): Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?

(281): i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy

(618): for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.

More Texts From Last Night

I can't help it. I'm addicted.

(503): i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
(360): let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.


(845): i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low


(216): when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
(1-216): damn...impressive bar tab
(216): no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer


(859): Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
(502): Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?


(503): PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
(515): Ur type is ready and willing


(917): last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
(917): this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
(917): he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
(718): messed up. what color are the wings?


(712): She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...


(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he's deaf.


(406): So, how was the dinner
(1-406): Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.


(315): evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.


(603): Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
(1-603): No...more like a life jacket.

I'm almost done...hang on....

(619): I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.


(617): So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon


(323): Would you feel weird if I asked out Debbie?
(310): You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
(323): So...no?`


(401): my mouth tastes like poor choices


(310): My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...


(206): Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad


(773): Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...


(402): Houston.. we have a drinking problem..


(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
(1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911


(630): I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.


(585): i'm signing you up for texting rehab


(303): I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.


(702): Kareoke will never be a sober sport


(517): areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
(616): you srsly need to quit going to that bar


(818): Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.


(815): the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?


(925): Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.


(734): hey call me
(810): can't. in the shower.
(734): ... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.


(816): I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.


(301): Bea Arthur died yesterday
(240): You shut your stupid mouth
(301): Betty White is next, I just know it.
(240): Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.


(936):Bea Arthur died! :(
(214):What?
(936):Big bird passed.


(815) Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
(1-815) You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.


(818): dude, i look like john mccains neck right now


(920): Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers


(337): i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
(985): wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb


(805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
(1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.


(517): I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.


(925): so explain again why im purple
(617): no

Just a few more...


(336): I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.


(214): your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
(1-214): we're not divorced.


(970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
(970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.


(310): I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.


(478): This is not my ceiling


(619): I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity


(832): I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
(303): I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex


(610): please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.


(917): I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
(201): so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay


(805): As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!


(504): Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
(225): You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
(504): Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
(225): I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....


(714): It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...


(669): I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation. (hmmmm...who does this remimd us of????)


(303): Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

OK I have to stop now. LOL

Texts From Last Night

OK, this website is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It makes me laugh out loud every single day.

Texts From Last Night

Fair warning, if you have delicate eyes there may be some offensive words here. But basically these are just texts that people have sent other people, and I can't stop reading it!!! I swear some are damn close to actual conversations I've had with my friends....many years ago of course.

My current faves are (NOTE: The numbers in front are the area codes the texts come from):

(831): Hey, what are you up to?
(802): Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
(802): Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

(561): You drink too much
(1-561): No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

(316): I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
(785): He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

(301): Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
(443): We using my standards or yours?

(402): I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

(513): Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives

(813): My mind said no, but my drink said yes.

(507): I want your puppy
(507): I meant pussy
(612): I would rather you take my puppy

(818): Jake died.
(310): WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
(818): Oops typo. Jake cried.

(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.

(330): Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood

(217): What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.

(978): Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession

(317): Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.

(917): omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
(310): Whats your twitter name

(203): I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.

(610): The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.

And what could be my all time favorite....

(212): dude, i just got a bummer
(418): whats a bummer
(212): a blowjob from a homeless chick

Don't say you weren't warned... Oh, and don't sit there all innocent acting, you know twenty minutes from now you're going to be reading every page of TFLN and laughing out loud, while trying to pretend you'd never enjoy something so horribly dysfunctional!

So when you do, come back and tell me what your favorite one is!