Lessons in Womanhood

I have become a bad blogger. Even my best bloggy friends are calling me out on it.

I've had a lot going on recently (mostly good!) and I just haven't made time to do much other than post a few funny pictures and get a new tattoo.

Rest assured, everything is good with Michael and me, Jordan is doing well, my job is secure but busy as hell, and I'm content with life.

I will post an update soon, but until then:

What's Your Blues Name?

Hi, I'm Boney Legs Jefferson.

What's yours?

Breaking Bad For A Day

If you watch Breaking Bad, you'll get a kick out of this:

That's right. My kid looks like a TV meth cooker.

Lovely.

I'm sooooooooooooo proud.

I really can't love this any more than I do....

It makes me laugh out loud every single time I watch it. Enjoy!

There is hope for me yet.

I may still get to be a stripper.

Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day?



My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat..

Sorry!

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Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.


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Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'


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Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

(Boy, this card would have come in handy back when I got married!)

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How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?


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I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ...

I've changed my mind.


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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....

That you're not here to ruin it for me.


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Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia )

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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!


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When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise...


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We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?


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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?


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Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.


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So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

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Happy Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, that *is* awkward.

I do love me a funny man.

So you may not know this, but my guy does stand up comedy sometimes. It's just a hobby, not a career, but I love watching him.

Last night we went to Cincinnati so he could be a part of the Funniest Person in Cincinnati contest. Unfortunately, he didn't move on to the next round (sonsabitches, it's a popularity contest, and Jordan and I could only scream and clap so loud!) but he did a great job as always.

Check him out. Keep in mind I videoed this with my iPhone so it's not the best quality....



Great job, babe. I'll always be your number one fan.

But stay away from my mother. :)

Yet another reason why I don't like birds.

Happy Tuesday!

Trumped!!!!!

Ahahahahahahahahaha. Good times.

All We Are Is Ducks In The Wind

Funniest. Video. Ever.

Bless their little windswept hearts!

You don't wanna piss these girls off

Thanks to my buddy Coffypot for letting me steal this. OK it's not like he had a choice, I did it without asking. I can outrun him.

Do NOT Try This At Home. I Repeat....DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

First and foremost...Jordan, if you are reading this, exit out of it now and go to class. This is NOT for your eyes. Trust me on this one.

Okay so yesterday was Valentine's Day, right? A day for lovers. And something crazy happened to two people very close to me..... "my friends" Angelina and Brad. (No, it's not Michael and me. I would never divulge something this personal about US in a public forum. It's Brad and Angie. Go with it.)

This was Brad and Angie's first Valentine's Day together and as such, Angie thought it would be fun to spice things up a bit during their sleepover.

So she got Brad the above referenced KY Yours & Mine as a gift. Now, according to the box, here's what's supposed to happen:

His excites. Hers delights. Together feel them ignite. What is it? It takes two lubricants to make chemistry, to make magic, to make love. An invigorating warming sensation for him. A thrilling tingling sensation for her. Put the two together for a totally new, unexpected experience. It's more exciting. More satisfying. More everything.

Sounds fantastic! They decided to give it a whirl!

Cut to their bedroom, and things are heating up if you get my drift. So there they were, all primed and ready to rock, so Angie puts Brad's stuff on him, which is supposed to generate the "warming" effect, and he applies hers, which is the anticipated "tingling" effect and off they go.

Fairly quickly Angie remembers thinking "OK, I don't really feel tingling. It's more cold than anything else." But she carries on, and waits for the tingling to start, assuming Brad is feeling the "warmth" that his was supposed to deliver. Meanwhile, she's getting colder and colder down there, like somebody is rubbing an ice cube all over her.

After about 5 minutes, Brad stops and says "Baby, I don't feel anything" and Angie was like "I know! I don't feel tingling or anything either" and he says "No, I mean I don't feel *anything*. I'm numb". LOLOLOLOL

Angelina started laughing and said "OMG, so am I! I thought it was just me! It's so cold down there, yet it's like a burning cold if that makes sense!!", to which Brad responds "Tell me about it, I feel like I'm fucking Peppermint Patty" and they officially lost it. At this point they were laughing so hard they were crying, and lamenting how their "special first Valentine's night" hadn't quite turned out the way they planned.

So after about 15 minutes, Brad says "OK let's see if it's worn off an we can make something happen now" and attempts to head south, thinking he will rev Angie up with a little foreplay, at which time she starts screaming "No, don't do that! You'll end up with your entire mouth numb like you've just had a root canal!" The visual in both of their heads of him coming up for air with a face full of Novacaine sends them into convulsions of laughter and promptly puts an end to Geezer's Gone Wild Night.

Eventually they give up on the idea of their sexy Valentine's romp, and decide that at this age, it's best to stick with the tried and true stuff and leave the experimenting to the younger crowd.

Consider this a public service announcement. You're welcome.

I am sooooooooooo trying this tonight.

You have NO sense of humor if this doesn't make you laugh out loud today!


Recently I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went down...

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:


When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said...


What's for dinner, Zorro?"

This happens to me all the time....

For those of you with iPhones, you know how easily the auto correct spelling feature can get you in trouble! Here's a few great examples of what can happen...

Have you had any funny missteps with your auto correct features?

The answers you've been waiting for.....

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

(Now that's a funny short joke!)

Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......



Dave........






Dave........






Dave........




........you're a vet.

Am I reading this right?

Proofreading is a dying art, isn't it?


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No kidding, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Does his wife know this??

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing lazy sonsabitches.

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Well, let's see if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
Thanks, Captain Obvious.

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Well at least they didn't blame this one on Obama.

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Brilliant detective work!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
Dude, he probably IS the battery charge now!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
A size 22 just ain't what it used to be.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Excuse me?

Love, Lust and Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- When your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in what's on TV tonight

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage - You only leave the house when your spouse comes home.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Proof positive, I was indeed married.

I will never, ever, ever.....

....be able to watch Sponge Bob again.

Thanks, lady.