It's never too late to live happily ever after.

Once again, I am still swamped at work and recycling old blogs to amuse and entertain you. This one was from a year ago, and I am very happy to say that I definitely think it's never to late to live happily ever after! As some of you picked up on in my post Monday, I am "quietly dating" someone again. Will fill you in soon....

Meanwhile, enjoy this rewind from August 17, 2009. Cheers!

One of my readers commented last week and asked me what I thought about this:

At our age, is it still possible to have that "happily ever after"?

She said:

I am just 50 and have been in serious/not so serious relationships since my divorce [almost] ten years ago. I am (in my own mind and have also been told) attractive, financially stable, sweet, decent, sexy, etc. A good catch perhaps? Truthfully, I suppose that is true. I am not the helpless "I need a man" whining type. Nor, do I depend on a man to fulfill me or to "make" me happy. I have good relationships with family and friends. I like my life. Perhaps the best way of summing up my relationship potential is to state that the men I have had serious relationships are still good friends.

So ------- I hear this a lot. Do you?

- don't settle
- you deserve a man who treats you like a queen
- someone is out there who is just for you

Truly I am a realist. I am not counting on having a relationship. I am not counting on someone to grow old with. I am not counting on anything. I am merely wondering if it's even possible. I am incredibly curious about this.

At age 50 we have lived life. The men I know have lived their lives. We have scars. We have had experiences; good and bad. We have raised our children. We've lived independently for a while. With all of this:

- is it realistic to think that we can put past experience behind us and choose to love again?
- is it realistic that a man of my age would even have the desire to put me and our relationship as the focus of their life?
- are there even any men like that out there?
- do marriages happen at this age?
- is it realistic to think that good late-in-life relationships occur? work? last?

I wonder if at this time in my life I should just share sex/companionship/conversation with a man and leave it at that? Have no further expectations?

As I said before, I am happy now with life as it is but smart enough to realize that a good relationship would enhance my life. I just want to know the reality of later in life relationships; if they even exist. And if they do, what they are like.

Sincerely, Single in Cali.


Dear Single:

God, I hope it's possible. If not, I'm going to be really disappointed.

Like you, I am (or so I'm told) attractive, sweet, funny, sexy, and while I may not be rolling in the dough, I am paying the bills and able to buy the occasional Coach purse, or travel to visit my blogging buddies in other states. (Watch out, Paula. I'm looking for a passport stamp. You and Germany are next!)

And like you, I do hear the same things from my friends. I shouldn't settle for less than what I want in my next relationship. I deserve to be treated like a queen after being run over by the bus that was my ex-husband. And yes, I always hear "Mr. Right is out there, and he'll come along when you aren't looking."

Well, when do I stop looking?

What is the time limit from my last date til when I officially give up all hope? Is there a countdown clock going on somewhere that every time I go out on yet another prospective partner job interview date, it resets itself and just waits for me to give up all hope on finding that guy that I could care enough about to give 'happily ever after' one more shot?

And when I do finally give up, and accept that I may be alone for the rest of my life...how soon does Dr. Right finally drive up in his Porsche? (I'm being sarcastic...FYI)

Yes, I have baggage. My marriage wasn't always easy, and my divorce broke my heart. And thanks to the way it ended, I will probably have a really, really hard time trusting a man again. But I am willing to try.

I'm ready. And I think it is realistic to believe that there are men out there who are willing to put their own past experiences behind them and fall in love again too.

Now, that being said...I sure haven't found one yet!

But here's the thing, everybody's experiences are different. My bloggy friend CCD had a divorce every bit as horrific as mine (and more so), and she's happily in love and getting married again. But then again, another of my blogging buddies just broke up with her boyfriend who I thought she'd be with forever. I know a lot of my readers are single again and some have gone on and found great guys, and others are in our same position...wondering if there really is someone out there for us.

I don't "need" a man. But I want one really badly. I just miss everything about the concept. I miss having a partner, a best friend, a lover, a companion. I miss being special to another person.

So to answer your question, yes I think later-in-life relationships exist, and they can be very good. I have seen it happen! I try very hard to be positive about it, and in the meantime, while I wait for whoever-he-is to find his way into my life, I am doing things for ME. Taking care of myself, my health, my finances, etc. Learning to be happy with me, so that I don't ever feel like it takes a man to give me that happiness.

But don't take my word for it. My readers have tons of experience in this area. So I am asking them to let us both know their experiences with life after divorce, and relationships at this age....

Readers....do YOU believe it's still possible to have 'happily ever after' once you're past 45?

Is there a "y'all" at the end of hostile?

I'm swamped at work and have no time to write new blogs, so I'm rewinding back to August of last year and reposting this one for your amusement:

So the other day I did a blog post about Paula Deen being President. One of my long time readers from Georgia (you know who you are, but to protect you in this instance I won't mention names) sent it to me via email because she knows my love of ATP (All Things Paula).

Like many emails I get, I blogged about it. There was no link or reference in the email that stated it had previously been posted on another blog, or I'd have given credit where credit is due. Nor did it seem to make sense to preface the post with "Hey, my friend Susie got this from her friend Sally who forwarded it from Debbie who forwarded it from Kathy who got it from Kelly....blah blah blah". It was an email, for heaven's sake. We all get many joke emails a day. Do you know the origination of every one that you get?

Then I received a comment on the post from a person who owns a blog saying I was stealing from her and violating her copyright, etc.

I wrote to this person and apologized and said that I had received it in an email, thought it was funny and blogged about it. (For the record, while it was amusing, it needed tweaking, so I added my own comments to the end of it as well.) I offered to link back to their site, or remove it entirely.

Frankly, I was thinking to myself, you might wanna take me up on the link back offer. Nobody should turn down free advertising!

The response I received was rather surprising. It started out with "Greetings" then quickly turned to calling me a liar about how I received the information (that it did not come via email but rather I went to the site and stole it), continued with accusing me of taking credit for work that wasn't mine (which I never did) and ended with veiled threats of being sued for claiming something as my own that isn't.

Wow. Hostile!

I really didn't mean to piss anybody off with it. I just thought it was a mildly cute thing to post. Funny thing is, if someone posted one of my blogs on their site, I'd have been flattered that they thought it was entertaining enough to use, and would have simply written them an email saying "Hey, that's my original post, please make sure you say that on your blog or link back to me."

(Except for that time when the Bike Smut guys posted part of my discussion with the exercise bike. To their credit, they did link back to me, but unfortunately I really didn't want my blog being associated with bicycle porn! I send them a nice email asking them to remove it and they did.)

Getting all whipped up about an honest mistake really isn't necessary. Especially when this could have been turned into an advantage for the other blogger. I have lots of followers and tons of daily readers who probably would have gotten a kick out of his/her blog, if I'd linked to it instead of deleting the post altogether.

Funny thing is, in looking at his/her site, they put a link at the end of every post that says "E-Mail To A Friend". So I'm thinking to myself...if you don't want people emailing your blog posts to others, thus opening yourself up for it being copied elsewhere....you might want to remove that link!

And I have to wonder....does the owner of that site have written permission from Paula Deen to use an image of her and draw a mustache on it, as her blog header?? Or from Racheal Ray who has horns drawn on her head? I see numerous pictures in their blog posts that have clearly been taken from other sources. C'mon, who thinks this blogger is Paula Deen's personal photographer? So wouldn't using someone else's photographs on your blog (especially stock photos such as the ones in the header which can be found all over the web) be stealing as well? Isn't that just what he/she accused me of doing?

And then I saw it.

The link asking for Paypal donations to help with the web hosting fees on this site. LOL...that's the funniest thing I've ever seen!!!! Hell, who knew it was appropriate to solicit your readers for money to keep your blog online? I average 7,000 blog hits a month. If you'd all send me a dollar every time you visit my blog, I can quit my job and do this for a living!!!! My blog would be SO MUCH MORE FUN if you guys would just support me financially while I write it.

I'm still laughing at that. It takes some pretty big cajones to ask your readers to "donate" to your blog. Wow. Seriously, who does that? And would you even read a blog that did??

So anyway....I have removed the infamous Paula Deen post from my blog.

If you want to read more, the link to that site is....oh wait, I don't want to get sued for posting the blog address without permission. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Sunday Rewind - Bachelor #10

It's hard to believe it's been a year since I was doing my Bachelor series on my adventures in internet dating. This guy was so dysfunctional that he deserves a Rewind all his own. Happy Sunday!

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Friday, November 21, 2008

Bachelor #10 - Shoot me now.

Well, you asked for it...a Bachelor update. So here is it. Don your crash helmets.

I proudly present Bachelor #10.

Here's his profile:

MY HEADLINER IS A TITLE TO A SONG, IT IS ALSO PART OF THE ONLY LYRICS IN THE SONG, IF YOU ARE ABLE TO FINISH IT YOU SHOULD KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN, WHERE I AM, AND WHERE I'M GOING. AND IF NOT TRY GETTING A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE EDGE,AND MAYBE U WILL SLIP AND FALL INTO GRAND CHESTER MEADOWS, WHERE WE CAN SIT WITH SEVERAL SPIECES OF SMALL FURY ANIMALS AND GROOVE ON A PICT,AND AFTER WE CAN GAZE INTO ASTROMONY DOMAIN AND TRY AND SEE THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON SO WE CAN'T BREATH AND TIME IS OF NO IMPORTANCE, AND A TRIP DOWN TO ST. TROPAZ IS JUST WHAT FLOYD ORDERED. IT WOULD BE A SLEEPY TIME IN OUR LIVES AND WE COULD LISTEN TO SHAMUS SING A FEW NOTES AND THEN JUST SIT BACK AND GROOVE ON ECHOES. WOW IF U CAN GET THIS MAYBE YOU WILL WANT TO FIND OUT WHATS BEHIND THESE BLUE EYES, BUT U WILL STILL HAVE TO CLAW YOUR WAY THROUGH THE DISGUISE. IF U READ THROUGH ALL THIS WELCOME TO THE MACHINE,AND MY OPEN ARMS. THANK YOU IF U DON'T GET ANY OF THIS AT ALL I MAY NOT BE FOR U, IF U GET SOME WE CAN AT LEAST TALK, IF YOU GET MOST OR ALL WE MUST HAVE A DATE.


I don't really understand this because his headline is "One Of These Days". No clue what song that is...nor do I plan on investigating it!

The best part (or worst!) is his response to what his ideal first date is.

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Ready?

HAVE DINNER AND JUST TALK, AND THEN GO BACK TO MY PLACE AND BALL{JUST JOKING BUT IF U REMEMBER WHAT THAT MENT THEN}OUR TALK WILL BE VERY MEMERABLE


Ugh. I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Even funnier, under "Do You Drink?" where your options are no, socially, or often (more than 3x a week), he marked Often! Ya think???? I'm pretty sure he had a few under his belt when he wrote this profile!

So of course I have a few comments and questions:

WHERE WE CAN SIT WITH SEVERAL SPIECES OF SMALL FURY ANIMALS - OK wait, is this supposed to be "pieces of small furry animals" (ewwww!!!) or "species" or does he really mean fury as in the poor little things are pissed off to be there? I'm confused.

GROOVE ON A PICT,AND AFTER WE CAN GAZE INTO ASTROMONY DOMAIN - how does one groove on a pict...what exactly IS a pict? And astromony? Is he dyslexic?

SO WE CAN'T BREATH AND TIME IS OF NO IMPORTANCE - I really hate to point out the obvious, but if I can't breathe (not breath!) time is very important!

ST. TROPAZ - Is that a goldish brown island? Oh wait, that's Topaz, not Tropaz. I assume he means St. Tropez? Wanna take bets he pronounces it "Saint Tropezzzzz"?

WE COULD LISTEN TO SHAMUS SING A FEW NOTES - Is Shamus a person? Or are we listening to Free Willy serenade us from the ocean?

FIND OUT WHATS BEHIND THESE BLUE EYES - I'm betting they are a nice shade of bloodshot red. Seriously, dude. Drop the bong before you start posting profiles.

THANK YOU IF U DON'T GET ANY OF THIS AT ALL I MAY NOT BE FOR U Have I mentioned how much it annoys me that someone not only types in all caps but is too lazy to type "you" instead of U? I am not a University.

THEN GO BACK TO MY PLACE AND BALL - I have no words for this. Honestly. Who puts this in a profile where they are really trying to meet nice women? Not that so much of his profile isn't already wrong on SOOOO many levels, but this is just the kicker.

OK single ladies out there...I'm gonna pass on this one so he's up for grabs! Who wants him?????

Six Pack Sunday

Don't get excited, it was just a line to draw you in. I couldn't drink an entire 6 pack and still type if I tried.   I could, however, keep my hands on one like this for hours at a time.

Really sad to think my days of being close to a man's body that looks like that are over.  Not many 50 year olds with a six pack like that, eh? 

Anyway, just recycling an old blog post from 2008 called "Six Random Things About Me" since today is my Sunday Rewind day.

Here you go!

1. I have taken college courses in every decade since the 70's. Yes, I'm that old, and still degreeless.

2. I used to emcee a male revue and also ran my friend's Strip-A-Gram business. There are worse things than looking at naked men and getting paid for it.  (Thus the reason for the above picture....remembering the glory days!)


3. I was a bartender at a place called the Side Door in Lancaster for several years in the 80's. (I think it was the late 80's....most of that decade is still a blur!)

4. I write, eat, and put makeup on with my left hand. Everything else, I do with my right, such as bat, bowl, hold the hair dryer, use a mixer, cut with scissors, etc.

5. I secretly wish I could sing and have always wanted to take voice lessons. However if you have ever heard me, you know there isn't a voice teacher in the world who could make me sound good.

6. I almost broke my back bowling. True story.

Your turn.

Sunday Rewind - My Un-niversary

It's my blogging day off, so here's my post from this same date a year ago. It's been six years now since that fateful wedding day....not five. But this morning, I didn't cry. I really don't feel much about it at all...it's *almost* just another day. I'm in a much better place this year than I was last year. I guess blogging really has been good therapy! That, and time really does help heal our emotional wounds. So for my buddies Jill and Caroline who are going through their own private hells right now....hang in there, babes. It will get better. I promise.


Saturday, September 20, 2008

Happy Un-niversary to me.

So, five years ago today, at 11:30am on a sunny, beautiful September morning much like today, I walked down the aisle into what I thought was forever. Turns out, forever lasted 2 years and 8 days.

I have not been looking forward to this day. It's the first time that it's fallen on a Saturday since we got married. Most years since our divorce, I can go to work and keep myself busy and not think about it.

Today, I woke up at 6am, after having a dream that my ex was back with the woman he let break up our marriage. Funny, five years ago when I woke up alone on this Saturday morning, I was filled with so much hope and anticipation and excitement, and today I woke up by myself, sad and angry and lonely.

As I sat down to write this, the emotion overtook me, and I found myself with my hands covering my face, sobbing in that way that demonstrates grief at it's quietest and loudest. I lost so much when my marriage ended. I lost not only the material things like my house and my car, I lost my job, I lost my financial security, I lost the dreams I had for my future, I lost the life we'd planned out, and most importantly, I lost my faith in love, in marriage, and in commitment. So yes, I am still grieving. It's been three years since our divorce, and it hurts just as much today as it did the day I found out about my husband's affair. The day my forever fell apart.

I had so many things I wanted to write today, I knew if I sat down here at the computer and started typing, this would turn into a rambling post that would probably bore the shit out of most of you. But hey, it's my therapy, dammit.

But ironically, just now, an email popped up in the corner of my computer screen from The Secret. And I have decided that maybe it was sent to me this morning for a reason.

What is the answer to every difficult circumstance in life?

Take the positive path.

Choosing the positive path can be easy at some times in our life and more difficult at other times. When everything is going along well, when we are on a roll, choosing the positive path just flows through us as an easy, natural choice. When something negative comes along it can be far more challenging for us to choose the positive path. But choose it we must! No matter how challenging the negativity may be, there is simply no other way to bring our lives back into positivity.

If negative situations appear, you must use your will and refuse to lower yourself to negative thoughts, words, actions, and emotions. Use your will and decide that not only will you focus on the positive, but you will ramp up the positive in every thought, word, and action of your day.

It takes determination, strength, faith, and the power of your will to focus on the positive when intense negativity descends, but remember that the Universe and the law of attraction are with you. As you focus on the positive, focus more on the positive, think of the positive, speak of the positive, and take positive and good actions, the law of attraction will give your life wings. Suddenly you will look around you and you will find that the negativity has gone, and that your life has been filled with goodness and joy.

So, in light of this, I've decided to start this post over today....and here goes.

Hi everyone, I got married 5 years ago today. It was a really nice day.

Sunday Rewind - The ABC Game

Off to enjoy the 90 degrees and hot sun that Ohio has to offer today! So let me entertain you with a rewind from January called "The ABC Game". Happy Sunday!


Monday, January 19, 2009

OK, I'll play the ABC Game...and you should too!

Yeah, I'm this hard up for blogging material. So I give you...The ABC Game.

A. Attached or single? Can't "divorced" be an option to check? I hate "single". I'm 47 years old, for God's sake. It makes me sound like an old maid. At least saying "divorced" tells the world at one point in my life, somebody loved me enough to marry me!

B. Best friend? Yup-3 of them. The best girl friends that I could ever ask for!

C. Cake or pie? If chocolate is involved...both. If not, probably pie.

D. Dog or cat? Dogs, two Yorkies. Gracie and Griffin.

E. Essential item? I don't go anywhere without my iPhone. Even the bathroom.

F. Favorite color? Black.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Neither. I am not a Gummy Gal.

H. Hometown? I consider Logan, Ohio to be my hometown. I was born in Portmouth but moved when I was 9 to Logan, and that's where my good memories are.

I. Favorite indulgence? Monthly massage.

J. January or July? July definitely. January is my month-from-hell because of closing year end.

K. Kids? Jordan. He's my child, but he's not a kid anymore.

L. Life isn’t complete without? My family and friends.

M. Marriage date? September 20, 2003.

N. Number of brothers and sisters? 3 sisters, no brothers.

O. Oranges or apples? I like both but right now I'm on an oranges kick.

P. Phobias? BIRDS. Alive or dead.

Q. Quote? "If I looked like Halle Berry I wouldn't need a man. All I'd need is a candle, a glass of wine and a full length mirror."

R. Reasons to smile? I get a pretty good laugh out of most of Deb & Jill's comments. They are every bit as warped as I am.

S. Season of choice? Summer.

T. Travel dreams? I love anywhere there's ocean and sand. But I want to take a cruise this year, and ultimately go the usual places like Paris, London, somewhere in Ireland, and naturally, anyplace tropical.

U. Unknown fact about me? My clothes hang in my closet all facing to the left, and by color. Oh, and by style. Shirts, then sweat shirts, then jeans, then other pants, then within those styles they are grouped by color. I know, I know. Don't even say how weird this is.

V. Vegetable? Other than the "normal" ones, I love artichoke hearts. And brussels sprouts.

W. Worst habit? I can be verrrrrrrrrrrrry lazy.

X. X-ray or ultrasound? Well I haven't had an ultrasound since 1990 and don't foresee ever having one again (at least not regarding a baby!) so I guess X-ray.

Y. Your favorite restaurants? Buca di Beppo, Outback, Old Bag of Nails...depends on type of food!

Z. Zodiac sign? Aries

Sunday Rewind - Friday Funnies

Welcome to Sunday Rewind, or as I like to call it, the day I'm too lazy to blog. Enjoy these jokes from October and have a great day!!!

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No disrespect to my male readers but there's a little man bashing going on here this morning. It's all just for fun and you know I love you guys so don't be throwing curses out on me!

Here we go, ladies. Find one you like!!!


The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)


And the personal favorite:


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)



One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma '

And they say blondes are dumb...
------------------------------ -----------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
------------------------------ -----------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

----------------------------- ------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

(Note from Julie...this used to be my mantra when married.)
----------------------------- ------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Sunday Rewind - PSA For Men

It's my blogging day off, so let's rewind back to November and post one for the guys. Happy Sunday!


PSA for men (I'm looking out for the guys these days!)

Guys, I gave you words you should memorize that women say, and now I want to make it clear what PMS really stands for. Take note.


1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4 Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my personal favorite

13. Potential Murder Suspect

You've been warned. If you choose to piss a woman off during this time, do not expect me to visit you in the hospital or identify your body at the morgue.

Sunday Rewind....and a Happy Birthday to my BFF

It's my blogging day off, so enjoy this little funny from last year.

Oh, and by the way, to my oldest (in length of time!) and best friend Cheri...Happy Birthday, darlin! I hope it's a great day for you! Love you much!

Husband Down!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

Sunday Rewind - Check this out and be jealous.

OK first things first....Tracy and Meg, I've tried to visit both of your blogs and must need an invitation. It said to email you but I can't get to your blog to get your email address and ask for an invite! Would love to visit and comment....

Now, on to today's subject.

I thought this was an appropriate Rewind post, because on Tuesday I will finally be getting this!!!!!

So check this out and be jealous!!!!

Well, maybe not all of you will be jealous, only those who love ink!

As I mentioned in a previous post, I begged my friend Penny to design a tattoo for me. My criteria was....

1. It has to be sexy.

2. It has to be pretty.

3. It has to be colorful.

4. I like cherry blossoms.

So, I got my drawing in the mail the other day. And I LOVE IT. And I can't wait to get it! It's going on my left shoulder/upper back.

What do you think? Gorgeous, eh? Now the burning question of the day is...how big do I want to go? I'm thinking the whole upper left quadrant, on my shoulder blade/scapula area. You know what I mean? The drawing is about 9" tall, and I'm not inclined to reduce it much! It's too beautiful to make too much smaller, and besides I'm a big girl....there is nothing petite on me! I'm a firm believer in "Go big or go home." Have you seen my hair? LOL

The best part is that Penny is going with me to get it done when she gets back in town in June, so she can actually direct the tattoo artist on the color and shading as he's doing it. Sweet!!!!

I. Can't. Wait.

Happy Sunday, everyone!

Sunday Rewind - Friday Funnies (Confused yet?)

There are way too many days of the week in that title.

Anyway...it's my day off. Enjoy a rewind from last October.

First though, a caveat...if you recall I was recently accused of being "malicious and mean spirited" by One Date Dude ODD, because he observed that:

"You have a lot of women reading your missives, for this is an epidemic in this country . . . Man Bashing . . with a more virulent strain of it, White Man Bashing. I believe you've committed the former but not the latter. There are a lot of lonely, angry women out there and your blog probably suits many of them very well."

(I believe you can all figure out why there was no second date!)

So allow me to go on record and say...

The following is indeed man-bashing. Sue me.

Happy Sunday!!!!!

Friday, October 24, 2008
Friday Funnies

No disrespect to my male readers but there's a little man bashing going on here this morning. It's all just for fun and you know I love you guys so don't be throwing curses out on me!

Here we go, ladies. Find one you like!!!


The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)


And the personal favorite:


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)



One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma '
And they say blondes are dumb...
------------------------------ -----------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
------------------------------ -----------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the s hower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

----------------------------- ------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
----------------------------- ------------------
* Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN (Note from Julie...this used to be my mantra when married.)
----------------------------- ------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
------------------------------ ----------------- --
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough

Sunday Rewind - Seven Random Facts About Me

As you know, it's my blogging day off, so here's a little rewind from October 1st. Enjoy!

Seven Random Facts about ME!!!!

OK, Liz tagged me so here are seven random facts about me.

1. I have taken college courses in every decade since the 70's. Yes, I'm that old, and still degreeless.

2. I used to emcee a male revue and also ran my friend's Strip-A-Gram business. There are worse things than looking at naked men and getting paid for it.

3. I was a bartender at a place called the Side Door in Lancaster for several years in the 80's. (I think it was the late 80's....most of that decade is still a blur!)

4. I write, eat, and put makeup on with my left hand. Everything else, I do with my right, such as bat, bowl, hold the hair dryer, use a mixer, cut with scissors, etc.

5. I secretly wish I could sing and have always wanted to take voice lessons. However if you have ever heard me, you know there isn't a voice teacher in the world who could make me sound good.

6. I almost broke my back bowling. True story.

7. I once had purple hair. By accident. Twenty five years later, friends will still sing "Purple Rain" to me and laugh.

Who else wants to play? Don't make me tag you! Volunteer, it's easier!!!!

Sunday Rewind - "Good Advice"

It's my blogging day off and I intend to spend the day enjoying the 85 degree weather in balmy Ohio! So here's a rewind from July 21, 2008. I thought it was good advice then, and I still think so. (Penny, did you write this? Because as I read it again, I hear your voice!!!!)

Good Advice

I thought this was important enough for it's own blog!

I Love This Advice !!

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink plenty of water. Eat blueberries, carrots, broccoli, red beans and almonds.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. In stead invest your energy in the positive present moment and what you desire, not what you don’t desire in life.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Remind yourself that minus your opinion, everything is perfect.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in control of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything. That means understanding that you cannot change what happened.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals absolutely everything.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

Check it out, 24 things and I wasn't malicious or mean spirited in any of them. ROFLMAO! Happy Sunday, friends!

Sunday Rewind - Sunday Morning Sex

Taking the day off to do the Bunny Hop. Hope you all have a wonderful Easter!!!!

Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny: "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued:

"He'd still be alive today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Sunday Rewind

It's my blogging day off...so please enjoy this post from August of last year discussing my girl crush!!! It's about time for the new season of her show to start and I'm all kinds of excited!!!

I have a girl crush.

I swear to you I am not a closet lesbian, but if I were a dude, I'd be all over this woman.

My current crush is Tabatha. She was on Shear Genius last season, and I love, love, love her. And now, she has her own show on Bravo...Tabatha's Salon Takeover! Woohoo! I, as usual, DVR'd it last night and then stayed up til midnight watching. LOVES IT!!!!! (as screeched in my best gay man voice)



I don't know, there's just something about a royal bitch who wears nothing but black, speaks with an Australian accent that makes even her meanest comments acceptable, bossing people around and basically just taking zero shit from anyone or anything in the world...that I find attractive!

I'm surprised she doesn't have a whip.

Actually, I really do don't want to know if she does. I might like her too much then!

Ah, who am I kidding? I could only be a lesbian...until it was my turn.

Happy Sunday!!!!

Sunday Rewind - Definition of "Cougar"

As you know, Sunday is my blogging day off, so enjoy this little post from August 1, 2008, when I was being hit on by a younger (much younger!) man on MySpace...



So I looked up Cougar in the urban dictionary....

And there were quite a few entries!

A 35+ year old female who is on the "hunt" for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path. "Man is cougar's number one prey"

Nah. Not so much.

An attractive woman in her 30's or 40's who is on the hunt once again. She may be found in the usual hunting grounds: nightclubs, bars, beaches, etc. She will not play the usual B.S. games that women in their early twenties participate in. End state, she will be going for the kill, just like you. Associated with milfs.

Hmmmm...not me either.

Party girl/s who are now angry they are not married and prey on younger men; common traits include leathery skin from frequent tanning sessions, smoking, anti-depressant use, and a large collection of "massagers."

Um, definitely not.

Hot and sexy older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single or married, who is sick of her same-age counterparts which are usually hairless, have big guts, who only talk about their insurance premiums and have the TV remote control attached to their hands. Cougars are attractive, in their sexual prime, who know what they want and aren't afraid to go after it. BIG misconception is that they dress cheap, wear hot pink nail polish, animal skin prints and are not-so-attractive old-looking hags with bleached hair (Yeah those women exist, but they are NOT cougars). True cougars are classy, beautiful creatures who have made their successes on their own, have real brains, usually with expensive cars/homes, and are real head turners. Cougars seek younger men, and don't have to sneak up and attack...they know their younger mates are eager to get an experienced woman who won't ask if they'll call them the next day. Being a cougar is a positive thing.

Getting close....

A distinguished species of older females who seek the company of younger males whilst avoiding the entanglements of a relationship, in favor of a lack of restrictions. The cougar woman has overcome society’s proscribed behavior for women’s sexual behavior. Thus, she embraces her true self and lives her life to the fullest. She know what she wants and isn’t afraid to hunt for it! There are several species of cougars, but an insatiable sexual appetite and a lack of interest in marriage and other conventional romantic institutions are common to all.

Closer....

Cougar refers to an older woman, in their 40's and early 50's who's youthful looks are beginning to fade or are almost faded. Cougars tend to be sexually interested in younger men in their 20's or mid 30's since their libidos are more evenly matched. Cougars, being older and wiser are often financially stable and pursue men more for their boyish charm and stamina and less for their income level, career or ego. Cougars love the attention and passionate thrill of an uncomplicated sexually intense relationship that younger men tend to offer.

Houston, we've got a cougar.

Well, IF I were a cougar, these last two definitions have some details that might be accurate. But I'm not one, so there.

Rawrrrrrrrrrrrl.

Sunday Rewind

It's my blogging day off, so please enjoy a little funny from last August...I'm still trying to figure out who the hell is buying this thing?


The Ass Bra

Seriously? There is actually a company making this??



According to their website, the purpose is:


A creative solution for those who want the illusion of slim and trim thighs, a tummy-tuck and a butt-lift without the use of padding.


Now, a few things come to mind right off the bat when looking at this...

First of all, if your ass looks this good, you don't need a bra for it. If my ass looked like this, I would not be covering it up. I'd be bare assed naked running down the frozen food aisle of Giant Eagle. Hell, mine didn't look like that back in the days when it looked good!

Second, if your ass looks anything like mine (and I hope for your sake, it doesn't), then the effect is basically going to be equivalent of seeing a huge amount of oatmeal cookie dough squeezed through a couple of straws.

Third, there is no amount of "high compression latex" that is going to smooth the tummies and thighs of us big girls in a way that doesn't look like we're enclosed in sausage casing.

Honestly...imagine how pretty this is going to look on. When you were a kid and played with water balloons, did you ever squeeze one in the middle and then you had two separate balloons of jiggly water? That's what I see going on when you wear this (except the balloons are lumpy and pasty white).

And the big old circles left on your ass cheeks when you take it off? Bulls Eyes. Lovely. Like I need to draw attention to that area of my body.

No thanks, I think I'll stick with what I have. It may not be pretty, but at least it's not getting into the room 5 minutes after the rest of me.

Sunday Rewind

Yep, it's my day off, so I'm recycling my exercise bike posts from September. Enjoy!

Conversation with the Exercise Bike...Part I:

Bike: Psssst....

Julie: (looks around to see who's Psss'ing her)

Bike: Hey, lard ass...

Julie: (looks at bike) Oh hey, dust bunny. What's up?

Bike: Clearly not you.

Julie: Wow, pretty smart for something that just sits there spinning it's freaking wheels and going nowhere.

Bike: Get over here and get on me.

Julie: (wishing for once, something that wasn't mechanical would say this to her)

Bike: Mount me. I want you now!

Julie: (hearing that infamous "boom chicka wow wow" porn music)

Bike: I'm serious. Come here, sit on top of me. Move your legs and hips, and start breathing hard.

Julie: (sigh....if only....)

Bike: Hello? Is anyone there? Julie? Why are your eyes glazed over? Get back here! You do not need a cigarette now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Conversation with the Exercise Bike - Part 2

Bike: Psssst....

Julie: WHAT????

Bike: C'mere honey.

Julie: Do NOT talk to me like that.

Bike: I've got a little sumpin sumpin for ya...

Julie: No you don't! You don't fool me! I know what you want me to do!

Bike: Yeah I do, baby. C'mere...come to Daddy.

Julie: OMG. You did not just say that.

Bike: Sit on Daddy's lap.

Julie: OMG! Leave me alone! Pervert!!!!!

Bike: You know you want to. You've been looking at me all night with that look in your eyes.

Julie: Oh, for the love of...Schwinn. Stop with the come on's already! I'm NOT interested!

Bike: You want some of this hard steel, you know you do.

Julie: Hard steel? How hard?

Bike: We'll take it slow, I promise.

Julie: Are you sure? Because I'm inexperienced...I haven't really done this much.

Bike: It's okay...you just let me take care of everything.

Julie: Mmmmm....I'm on top, right? Gee, I was never good at this position. Don't look up, ok?

Bike: Come on baby...ride me hard. Hard and fast. You can do it...

.........20 minutes later...........

Julie: Wow, that was really fantastic. I had no idea I was so good at it!

Bike: Way to burn rubber, baby. Look at my smokin tires. You da bomb.

Julie: Yeah, I'll bet you say that to all the girls.

Bike: Same time tomorrow?

Julie: Uh hey, this was fun but let's not rush anything. I've got a date with Wii Fit tomorrow. He's really got a lot more to offer....more positions, more ways to keep me interested. And I get bonus points for endurance.

Bike: You'll be back. He can't give you what I can. I have a built in fan!

Sunday Rewind and a Question of the Day

From April 2008, with a few additives from today...

My taste buds, they are a changin'

Funny how when you stop eating a whole lotta junk...you stop craving a whole lotta junk. And when you stop smoking, you really don't crave cigarettes all that much. And, you smell better.

And funny how good simple things taste. Mandarin oranges, for example. Mmmmm. That was like a little party in my mouth a few minutes ago.

I can't wait to hit my first 10 lb. mark. I'm thinking about buying myself something for every 10 I lose, but I don't know what that would be, because that would turn into a collection of sorts and I don't collect anything but damaged men evidently. LOL! Or maybe I should just do something nice for myself. Maybe a pedicure every time. Or a massage. Any ideas?

Day 6 - No cigs. Thought the weekend might be tough but it hasn't been bad. Friday night I'd have sacrificed a limb at one point for one, but I white knuckled through it. The rest of the weekend has been okay. It really is more breaking a habit than anything else...

Now, for my question of the day....

If you were to select a moment when you were convinced an angel was watching over you, when would it have been?

Sunday Rewind

In light of my current pain in the neck (yes, it's still here...no change from yesterday even though I tried most of your suggestions!), I thought I'd make my Sunday Rewind post the one from July 30th when I had this same problem.

Rinse, lather, repeat. Here you go.

Pain in the neck.

Yep, I've got one.

I've either been sleeping weird for several weeks now, or it's just my usual "compensating for my back hurting by walking/standing/sitting funny", but I've got the stiffest, sorest neck in town. I went to the chiropractor today and he could barely get it to adjust. My chiropractor knows me too well...

So have you been doing that "wild sex with hair pulling" thing again??

Um. No. Dammit. Just crack me and stop talking about the good old days. At this point I haven't had sex in so long I forget who gets tied up.

(For the record, he used to treat my ex as well, and it was a running joke when we'd both have to go in to see him that it was a result of bedroom gymnastics!) (Which, I can assure you, it NEVER was!)

I know I sit weird at work. My keyboard is too far away (I type with my arms extended), my eyes look down towards my monitor, and I know I slump in my chair. I need to rearrange things on my desk to make it more ergonomic friendly. And I really need my neck muscles to loosen up. I feel like someone has their hands wrapped around my throat right now. (And no, Dr. Wade, that's not a "wild sex with choking" thing either!)

And then I drive with my right arm resting on the little box storage thing between the seats, and my left hand on top of the wheel, while I'm leaning towards the right. Evidently I think I'm cool. Or pimp. If I had some rap blaring from the radio it would complete my look. (Go ahead, laugh at the visual. I am.)

And of course, I sleep in odd positions these days. It's funny, I slept alone basically for 40 years before I met my ex-husband, (ok well, let's just say I didn't have a lot of long term bed mates...but there were a few spending the night here and there! LOL!) and it took me a little while to get adjusted to having a partner in bed with me every single night. Then after our divorce, it took me a long time to readjust to sleeping alone again after 4 years. (2 married, 2 dating) You would think it would have been pretty easy to fall back into sleeping by myself, but it really wasn't. Sometimes it still isn't. Sometimes I still prop a pillow behind my back when I'm laying on my side because it feels like he's curled up behind me. (Wow, that just sounded really pathetic but I'm leaving in there anyway because it's the truth!) Regardless, a lot of times I have to put a pillow between my knees, or if I happen to be laying on my back (which I don't often do not only because it hurts, but because I snore and keep myself awake!) I put one under my knees, which somehow ends up making my neck hurt.

And I wonder why I can't sit comfortably for a 2 hour movie at the theater anymore? Christ, if anything more starts to hurt, I'm going to end up being held together with duct tape and spackle.

In other news...

Hell, who am I kidding? I haven't got any other news. My life is all glamour, isn't it?

Enjoy your Sunday! We got 2" of snow yesterday so I'm not going to do much besides hang out with the ice pack and try to get rid of this annoying pain in the neck!