No really, it's true.

What do these men have in common?

That's right.

They've all hit on me via an online dating site. They got together for a group shot.

Can I be any luckier?

How NOT to meet women - Part 3

I had to lighten things up a little bit today. I'm tired of being sad.

Got an email from a guy who's profile says....wait for it.....

Stuffy?
Biatchy?
Uptight?
Need cherished?
Insecure?
Need a man?
Need money?
Self righteous?
Never satisfied?
Over weight?
Unemployed?
A lot of makeup?
Divorced 2 times?
Fake?
Taking birth control?
Drink wine over beer?
Need fine dining over a pub?
Always in a dress?
Can't throw a ball?
Always need "I love you"?

Any of the above....cya later.

Golfers only please!

OMG, I laughed out loud. Now there's a guy who knows what he DOESN'T want in a woman.

However, I think it's pretty clear that what he really wants is a dude he can golf with.  Boobs optional.

Too frickin' funny.

The Mom and the Meet & Greet, etc.

Mom's surgery yesterday was an epic fail. Her kidney was totally obstructed and they could not get the scope or laser in to break up the boulder stone. Her kidney is full of urine that is "sweating" out into her body now, and so they have to go in and manually drain it today, and then in a few days try the procedure again.

It was really tough on her yesterday, clearly the anesthesia was difficult for her. She's having a very rough time, and it breaks my heart to see her either in pain, or just so agitated.

I just pray that this turns out however she wants it to, and what is best for her.

In other news....the Meet & Greet scheduled for Tuesday obviously didn't happen since I spent that entire night in the ER with Mom. He's going to be out of town for a couple of weeks so it's been postponed indefinitely. Which is fine....meeting a guy right now is the last thing on my mind.

One good thing I'd like to mention....I'm so very happy to announce that yesterday my buddy Jaded was blessed with a beautiful little girl. She and her husband have lost two daughters, and I'm just thrilled for them that their dreams have finally come true. Congrats to them all.

I think that's it for now. I'll be back with an update on Mom tomorrow.

I have a case of the Mondays.

Not that it was a bad weekend by any means.

Just too short.

Since my trip last month to Vegas didn't feel much like a vacation, I'm ready for another one. We are so incredibly busy at work and it's just the start of what's going to be the next four months from hell...not only several major installations in and out of the country, but we are moving our offices in September as well.

Ugh.

On the dating scene, I do have a "meet & greet" tomorrow evening. Seems like a very nice, normal guy. Gainfully employed, children out of the house, consistent in his words so far. So, we'll see how it goes.

I'm a little discouraged on that front. From the experiences you single ladies are having out there (and have left me comments about), to the ones I am having of my own, it seems that the number of seemingly normal, well adjusted available men is a very low one. I don't get the whole misrepresenting yourself, lying about your situation, or posting pictures that were taken 15 years and 50 pounds ago. It's going to come to light the second we meet so why bother with all the smoke and mirrors?

See, this is what kept me with my ex for the past five years. At least I *knew* him, I knew where he comes from and what he's made of and when he's lying! I knew why he was divorced and what his ex wife would say about him. (and I knew he had great taste in women, at least THIS woman. LOL) I knew his mood swings and his financial situation and knowing all these things gave me a comfort level that I don't have now. Granted, it wasn't perfect by any means and I want far more out of a relationship than what ours had morphed into, but at least I knew what I was dealing with.

I'm finding myself frustrated by either meeting guys who are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too attentive when they haven't even met me yet (good night texts are NOT necessary at that point!) or those who are interesting but can't seem to carry on a conversation to save their lives. I actually had one guy last week who had emailed me, and I responded, and we went back and forth like twice, and then I logged off because frankly, I had better things to do than sit on POF and exchanged benign banter with somebody who isn't asking me anything, but rather just exchanging trivia about himself. So he sends me another email saying "Obviously you aren't interested, since you quit responding."  For the love of God, it has been 10 minutes since my last email.  No lie!  I couldn't even respond to that.  I still can't.

I'm going into tomorrow's meeting with zero expectations. That way, there's only one way to go and that's uphill from there.

I am really just annoyed with this whole being single again and having to do this fucking dating thing. This wasn't in my plans at almost 50 years old.

Why did everything I thought my life was going to be at this age, take such a dramatic left turn? Ten years ago when I met my ex, I saw the rest of my life in the future and it looked pretty damn good. And now, it's nothing like it was supposed to be, or I thought it would be. I'm not saying it's bad, don't get me wrong. My marriage/divorce was a huge changing point in my life, and I learned a whole lot of lessons that evidently the Universe thought I needed to know. In fact I was practically beat over the head with many of them, just to drive the point home.

OK Universe, so I learned them. Now what? Any chance we can start practical application now?

Don't mistake my kindness for stupidity. Or, How Not To Meet Women, Episode 2.

A week or so ago, I met a guy online who I was instantly attracted to.  His first email to me made me laugh out loud. His profile was great. And he was not hard on the eyes by any means. (And tall! 6'5", which made all 5'8" of me very happy!) On the negative side, he had a child under the age of ten, which it is NOT my preference to date anyone with kids still living at home (where you've gotta deal with custody issues and crappy ex-wives not wanting you to "stepmom" their kids, or having to go to a thousand fricking little league games a week).  And....he is separated from his wife, not yet divorced. He made it a point to let me know that the divorce has been filed, it's just a waiting game for the court date to roll around.


Not my ideal situation, but he was so funny and interesting that I was willing to consider it because the pros seemed to outweigh the cons.


So, we exchanged a lot of emails, then texts and phone calls, and made a date for this coming Saturday night.


I was really looking forward to it. He was the first guy in this recent foray back into the dating pool who has really intrigued me and made me actually want to meet him.


So last Thursday evening as we're talking, he makes a comment to me that he's dropping by his Mom's house on his way home from work, right? He's even on the phone with me as he walks into her house, yells "Mom? Are you home?" and I hear her yell back.


It's all good, he's a dude who visits his Mom.


Sunday night, as we're talking on the phone again, he says "Oh, by the way, in the interest of being totally honest with you, I should mention that I do live with my Mom right now. Yeah, I'm "that guy". But it's only because when I moved out of the house, I moved in with her until the divorce is final, the house sells, and everything is finalized from my marriage."


Ding ding ding....red flag.


And I thought to myself....Okay. I can understand that. But you just told me three days ago that you were dropping by Mom's to visit, even made a big show of it. Did you just move in with her in the past three days?


Then later in the conversation he mentions that he's at his ex's house doing yardwork (why??) and says that she won't do it and he wants the house to sell so he goes and does it.


Hmmmm.  Okaaaaaay. I guess I can see that as well.


During this conversation he repeats a story he had just told me on Thursday, and I'm starting to figure out quickly that he's clearly having these conversations with more people than just me, and he's forgetting who he's said what to.  I have no doubt he forgot that I was the one he was talking to when he "dropped by to see Mom", because then when he told me he lived with her, it was like he'd never mentioned his mother before.


I didn't talk to him on Monday and on Tuesday he emailed me that he'd been busy working and moving and I finally said "Dude!  First you were visiting Mom then three days later you were living with her, and now you're moving again?  What's up with that??"


His response was that he works from home, and his home office is in his ex's house, but she's a teacher and now that school is out she doesn't want him there during the day plus he hadn't really moved all his stuff out of the house so he was moving the office and the rest of his personal things, and the realtor was coming to sign papers today, and that he had told me his life was in flux but I seemed okay with it.


There were so many red flags flying by now that it looked like Switzerland was being represented at the Olympics.


And again I thought to myself..... NO.  What you led me to believe was that you lived alone, your divorce would be final any time, and your house was already up for sale.


So I responded that I didn't realize it was quite *this* in flux, and was his divorce actually filed or was that part of the "ongoing flux" as well?  He carefully dodged the divorce question and said I needed to listen to my heart and I seemed to be having second thoughts about this relationship (remember, I've never met the guy so there is no relationship at this point) and at that point I got really annoyed and said "My heart doesn't tell me anything at this point, you and I haven't even met so my heart isn't involved.  My head however, certainly has questions.  And it notices you didn't answer the one about the divorce....?"


As you can probably imagine, his next email said he was "pretty sure the paperwork would be completed in the next week or so" (c'mon, I've been divorced.  If you haven't signed papers and gotten a firm court date, you haven't even FILED.  I'm not an idiot!) and then....wait for it....


"You are interrogating me and that is not a good sign.  I don't think we're a good match.  Good luck."


I laughed my ass off.  Busted the guy out for lying about numerous things, and yet I'm the bad guy.  Dude, I had a cheating husband.  My bullshit radar is finely tuned.  It's all about the details for me and if your stories don't match up or there are big gaping holes in it, I'm gonna ask you about it.  If you're trying to date me, I have that right to be clear on what I'm getting myself into!


What is with these guys???  Ugh.  I am not happy with the selection of men out there.  So far what I've seen are too many guys with their lives a complete mess, and I don't want to pick up the pieces of the shit storm you've created in your own damn life.  


Next!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How NOT to meet women. Episode 1.

Ah yes, back in the dating pool. It is giving me SO much blog fodder.

Today's episode features this guy....his email to me is entitled "Hi Sexy" and says:

Hey you sexy, georgeous, well endowed babe!

I like your profile. We should chat sometime soon. If you like, send me an IM over on yahoo. I'm Golfer***. Let's talk and see it there is any chemistry then maybe get together and "see what comes up"!

Well Captain Obvious, while yes, I am all of those things you so carefully outlined in your email, I'm also not interested in, as Jimmy Buffet would sing, the sharks that swim on the land.

Can't you feel 'em circlin', honey
Can't you feel 'em schoolin' around
You got fins to the left, fins to the right
And you're the only bait in town

My eyes are up here, dude. Look north.

Is it any surprise this guy is not looking for a relationship, but just casual dating? LOL

Next!

You can't be serious.

Dude, how do you EVER expect to get a date with a profile like this?  (For the record, this picture is NOT him.  As far as I know.....)

His name is...Captain Quirk.  Of course it is...

Ground control to Major Blond, Red, or Brunette. Get ready for take off with the prince of the cosmos, the one and only, the famous superSTAR, Captainnnnnn Quirk!!!

Sure I may come off as a "space cadet", but I'm quite the responsible nut, once you get to know me. (hence the rank of Captainnnnn..nnn"

Some say that I'm love "Enterprise" since I have my own business, but that may be why my brain is so full of star dust.

OK OK OK seriously

I live by the Golden Rule. My faith has been very important to me since I was a child.

Divorce struck 2yrs. ago. Was a bummer, yes, but I'm ready to enjoy life again. I am not that pretty or ugly, but know how to respect and treat a lady.

I'm not in a hurry. Life is topsy turvy but good. SOOOO Say Hi to the Captain. A little quirky ? Sure. A lot of fun...definitely!!

First Date
Well,,,hmm,,,we could fly to the planet Starbucks for a snort of their delicious, somewhat bitter, and over-priced space fuel,(I'll have mine with Milk..yway please) where we could compare notes on our latest interstellar journeys. Kick back, take it out of warp speed, and see what happens. Maybe become friends, or maybe sign on to soar to the stars ...together...God Bless and thanks for reading.

Negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full. Keep flying right on by....

My Saturday Night Date

OK, this is technically an old story, and I've referred to it several times here when talking about the quality of fish in the dating pool.

But today I found an old email where I relayed this story to my boss when it happened, and it made me laugh so I thought I'd share it with you guys.

This was in May 2006, 8 months after my divorce and my first foray back into the dating world. God help me.

So I went out to dinner with Marc on Saturday night. He's the guy I was supposed to go out with Thursday...the dude who said he brought me Chanel perfume from Paris????

This one will kill you.  Don your crash helmet.

So something tells me that I really don't want to go out with him, call it intuition or whatever. So I make sure he knows that this is going to be a quick dinner at PF Changs and that's it.

I get there, walk up and there he stands. He's 50...looks 65, has man boobs and old breath! Oy vey. It is clear that the pictures he has on his dating profile were taking a loooooooooooooooong time ago, and that NFL linebacker's body he has? Uh yeah, if the linebacker is a Mack truck. A very overweight truck.

Look, I'm not Twiggy, but at least I post accurate pictures of myself. This guy was the equivalent of pretending to be George Clooney and showing up as Chris Farley.

Anyway, we go into the restaurant, and we get seated. He takes his coat off...and he's wearing suspenders. Now I know it's going to be a very long dinner...

Proceeds to spend the next hour and a half telling me how beautiful I am (which is nice to hear but when it comes out of a dude's mouth literally every other sentence and you spend an hour saying nothing but "Oh, thank you." "Thanks, that's nice" "Oh, thanks" because he's overdosing you with the compliments, it's not all that fun, trust me!)

He tells me he rarely drinks, and then proceeds to drink 4 double Grey Goose Vodka's on the rocks. Evidently "rarely drinks" = rarely leaves any in the bottle.

So after explaining everything on the menu to me as though I was incapable of reading it, he orders more food than 4 people could eat, let alone two. I had one of the 4 spring roll appetizers, one of the 4 dumpling appetizers, and about two of my vegetarian lettuce wraps (the entree makes about 6)...and he ate his entree, all the rest of the appetizers, AND finished off mine!

And for the coup de grace....he starts telling me how his 2nd marriage ended because she had an affair with their best friend (they had another couple as best friends and his wife and the other husband hooked up), meanwhile he was living in Amsterdam and owned a coffee shop, so the guy she had the affair with comes over and wants to buy a big quantity of hash which Marc would not sell him. So the guy buys it elsewhere, gets busted trying to get it back into the States, implicates Marc as the ringleader and Marc's wife corroborates the story....and Marc ends up serving 2 years in a federal prison here for conspiracy to import!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes folks, I had dinner with a felon. And he did not even bring the perfume.

At this point, I'm sitting at the table feeling as though I might be on the show "Punk'd" and am looking around the restaurant for Ashton Kutcher!

Then, Marc orders dessert in an effort to drag the date out as long as possible. Of course, he ate it all other than the 1 bite he insisted I take. At this point, I had no appetite anyway!

He starts asking me about the "Ex", and in an effort to try and look as undesirable as I can, I tell him I am still in love with my husband and we still see each other and now I have serious trust issues with any man and really need to NOT date for awhile...

Didn't phase him.

Now he's saying all this crap about how incredible I am (Oh, thank you...), how he wants to get to know me better (Oh God HELP), how we can travel together and he will be 100% accountable to me so I don't ever have to worry about being cheated on again....and then he leans over the table and says "If we weren't in a restaurant, I would be kissing you so deeply right now..."

Check please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once outside, he insisted on walking me to my car, and I insisted that he not. He tried to kiss me goodbye and I did a quick head turn and it landed on my ear, and then you have never seen a girl run so fast in high heels in your life. I'm like running away from him to get to my car and he's running behind me saying "When can I see you again????"

Oh dear Lord. I do not belong in the dating pool!

There are reasons why I have given up swimming, kids.

Ho Ho Hopeless

I give up on dating. 

Seriously.

It's just too damn hard.

When you think about the sheer amount of people in this world, it shouldn't be that tough to find someone to go out with, right?

I see hundreds, if not thousands, of single men on dating sites. How can it be that there are so few that interest me?

Today, I was checking emails on a dating site and had three from...wait for it...a 28 year old guy.

I am 48. Damn close to 49.

I could be his mother older sister.

So while I'm reading his "Hi babe, you are gorgeous!" emails, an instant message pops up from him.

Needless to say I was pretty uninterested in talking to him. I have nothing in common with someone ten years older than my son.

But I was polite, and responded, and here's how the conversation went:

Him: Hi gorgeous!

Me: Hello

Him: Are you you?????

Me: Good, thanks and you?

Him: I am great!!!!!!

....long pause....

Him: So what are you up to?

Me: I'm working

Him: Really? Where?

....as if I'm going to tell him the location of my job.....

Me: I'm self employed.

Him: Wow, cool. I was last summer.

Me: (blink blink....doing what, mowing grass?)

Him: What do you do?

Me: I'm a realtor.

Him. So that means you won't be sleeping for the next month, right?

Me: Um...why wouldn't I?

Him: Retail...busiest time of the year.

Me: (OMG. Sweetie, did they teach reading at your high school?)

At this point I was ready to just ignore him, but I responded and said...

Me: No..."realtor".

Him: Ohhhhhhhhhh. RealTOR. Got it. Awesome.

Me: Yeah, awesome.

Him: Does anybody buy houses?

Me: No, nobody does. We give them away instead.

Him: Hahahahaha you're funny for realz.

Me: (I can't do this anymore or I will slit my own throat)

Him: So do you want to go to a club or something tonight when you get off work?

Me: (Still trying to figure out how I could be in retail and self employed? Does he think people work for Macys as subcontractors?)

Me: No, thank you. But I do need to go, lots of houses to give away today. Take care.

Him: Can we talk again?

Me: ::::disconnect::::

Being single isn't all that bad, right? I've got a great kid, nice house, good job, I don't mind taking out the trash or mowing the grass, and I've got a steady supply of AA batteries.

Maybe I should find myself a girlfriend instead.

Hell, who am I kidding? That would only work for me until it was my turn.

My romantic life is just ho ho hopeless this holiday season.

If this is all that's left in the dating pool, hand me my towel. I'm gettin out!

I just got an email from this. Excuse me, I need to go rinse the vomit out of my throat....

But first, before you read this lovely little profile of his, you should know that he's 54, and looks like Albert Einstein. Wild white hair, crazy look in his eyes. OMG, seeing his picture and reading this profile gives me the creeps. 

(I debated posting his actual picture here but decided against it.  This one is pretty damn close!)

Here you go. Don your crash helmets for this one....

What I am looking for:

HI I AM LOOKING FOR LONG TERM FEMALE SEX PARTNERS! And also ACTIVITY PARTNERS! LIKE BBW OR SSBBW!

HI..I am a 6ft 2in SWM AGE 54 who is looking for a lady for STRAGIHT SEX or a KINKY lady WHO also wants STRAIGHT SEX.

I do computer repair and networking. Available during the DAY for MARRIED or LADIES in a RELATIONSHIP OR OTHERWISE seeing someone. A+/N+/CCNA/CCNP TRAINED,available for ladies in need of computer help,trades are possible. BA Biology, have worked for community groups. I am a ham radio operator KB3CNV.

She should enjoy straight sex,and getting kinky.

I would be open to a single lady or 2 bi OR gay ladies that wanted to be enjoyed.
LIKE BBW OR SSBBW!

I enjoy receiving straight sex,and giving kinky on you.

Well if you would like to have straight sex, that is fine. The other areas are only if you would enjoy them.(SPANKING,ANAL,GOLDEN SHOWERS IN NO ORDER)

Well are you ready to drop your pants or lift your skirt and let me kiss your buns and more? I am....hopefully you will want this daily smile. POLY IS A GREAT THING.
LIKE BBW OR SSBBW!

What I’m doing with my life:

I am busy looking for a long term Female Sex Partner

Spending to much time looking for females with bare buns, and more. REALLY ENJOY BBW AND SSBBW LADIES WHO WANT IT!

I’m really good at:

Looking for a long term FEMALE SEX PARTNER!
Enjoying bare female buns and more.
LOOKING FOR A BBW OR SSBBW WHO WANTS IT!

The six things I could never do without:

BARE FEMALE BUNS AND MORE..., MORE FEMALE BARE BUNS...,YUP MORE FEMALE BARE BUNS AND MORE!
BBW OR SSBBW BUNS! REALLY ENJOY BBW BUNS.

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

LOOKING FOR A LONG TERM FEMALE SEX PARTNER!
Bare female buns and more....
LOOKING FOR A BBW OR SSBBW!

On a typical Friday night I am:

Looking for needy female buns and when I find one enjoying it...smile. LOOKING FOR A BBW OR SSBBW!

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here:

Chuckle like female buns and more....smile.
LOOKING FOR BBW OR SSBBW BUNS NEWARK OHIO AREA!

You should message me if:

YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A LONG TERM SEX PARTNER OR ACTIVITY PARTNER!
IF you enjoy straight sex and your FEMALE buns being bare, and/OR GETTING kinky with you drop me a note. POLY IS FINE!
IF YOU ARE A BBW OR SSBBW WITH BIG BUNS THEN I WILL REALLY ENJOY YOU...SMILE...
SERIOUSLY I AM LOOKING FOR BARE FEMALE BUNS,RUMPS, OR BUMS.
I REALLY DO ENJOY A GOOD FEMALE BARE BUNS, RUMPS, OR BUMS.
STRAIGHT SEX IS THE MOST IMPORTANT.

Now, call me crazy, but I think all this guy is looking for is some female buns. Oh, he can try to hide it, but I can read between the lines. I know a playa when I see one. LOL

What the hell is SSBBW? I know what a BBW is (hello, I am one!) but what the hell is the SS?  And what is Poly?

Somebody please throw me a life preserver. I'm drowning in the dating pool.

Coming Monday!!!!!!!!!! Perhaps the worst Bachelor of them all!

Yep, I may have found the grossest bastard in all of cyberdating.

Or I should say, he found me.

Of course he did. I seem to have a neon sign over my head to attract winners like this one.

You're gonna love him.

Bachelor #412....Seriously.

Been a long time since I did a Bachelor post, but this one deserved a blog all of his own.

I'm afraid to know what his profile looked like before, but clearly he's had problems with women not being too responsive to him. So now he's dropped all requirements for a woman and just wants one that breathes, evidently....

Before you read his profile though, you have to know that he has several pictures with it, but one of them is what I can only assume, his high school Senior Picture. Now, the guy is 46. The feathered hair and aviator glasses from back then isn't really a good look for him, and if he still looks that way now, it may explain his lack of return calls from women!

Anyway, here's his profile:

WELL LADIES I HAD TO CHANGE THE CRAP THAT WAS HERE !SO HERE GOES , I AM LOOKING FOR A WOMAN ,BIG OR SMALL TALL OR SHORT I JUST WANT SOME ONE THAT I CAN GIT TO KNOW,AND WHEN SHE SAYES THAT SHE IS GOING TO DO SOMTHING (LIKE CALL ME ON THE PHONE AND IS NOT TIED UP 24 HOURS A DAY .I KNOW THAT IS BULL $#*&% .ALL I WANT IS TO GIT TO KNOW YOU ON THE INSIDE, THE REAL YOU) IF THAT IS TO MUCH THEN JUST GO ON DOWN THE E-MAIL ROAD!!! SORRY BUT I HAVE BEEN ON HERE FOR ONE YEAR OR SO AND IT THE SAME OLD STORY .I AM A GOOD HARTED MAN AND JUST WANT TO GIVE OF MY SELF AND TO MAKE SOME WOMAN HAPPY AND THAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY

God love him. I hope there is a woman out there for him, I really do. It's just not gonna be me, I'm afraid.

Fireworks!!!!

Happy July 4th!!!

So the date last night....

It was okay. He's a very nice guy, charming and entertaining. Not sure if we'll go out again or not though. Might just be more of a friend situation than a dating one. But we'll see...

Hey....it's a start right? Getting my feet wet in the dating pool again.

Writer's Block and other mental issues

I have writer's block today.

It's not often that I'm speechless, or have nothing to voice my opinion on, so this might be a banner day for me!

But I've got nothing to say.

I started writing this blog as therapy after my divorce, and used it as an outlet to vent my frustrations and channel some energy in a more productive way than sitting around smoking and drinking and whining.

Now, 14 months later, life has improved dramatically. I don't spend time with my ex like I used to, therefore the roller coaster has become a merry go round...everything just goes along calmly, steadily. I expended so much energy on him all the time that now I am trying to figure out what excites ME. What I feel passionate about. What are the things I want to do with my life now?

Frankly, I'm a little bored!

I've got my eating under control and am no longer using food for comfort. I'm losing weight and feeling good, so I can't complain.

I still haven't learned to like exercise, let alone LOVE it. It's a struggle all the time for me to go to the gym. It's definitely not something I am passionate about doing.

I've pierced my nose, gotten a new tattoo, and grown some fierce tomato plants. I've been to Vegas, I've thrown a graduation party, I've planted a lot of flowers and I've maintained my clean house.

And yet...still bored.

However, I think I tend to relate that to being lonely.

I don't mind being alone. My son rarely spends a night at home anymore and I've learned to sleep ok at night with him gone. I feel like I live alone and he just drops by on occasion when he's not at work. I'm okay with being on my own, and having the freedom to watch what I want to on TV, to eat cereal for dinner, and come and go as I please without having to be a full time parent.

But I am so lonely it's palpable.

I miss dating. I miss intimacy. I miss flirting. I miss hand holding, and making out like teenagers. I miss sweet text messages and phone calls and surprise flowers. I miss...well, you know what I miss the most. *That* goes without saying!

The bottom line is, I miss being in love.

And unfortunately, that's what I am passionate about.

As we all know, I haven't had very good luck meeting guys on the Internet. (However I am great at meetng women on here!!!) My friends are all married, their friends are all married, and I don't do the bar scene.

(You know, for someone with writer's block, this is turning into an awfully long post!)

For the record, I really am happier than I've been in a long time. I finally feel good about myself again, and am happy with where I am in life.

I just want to share that with someone.

I'm ready. I really, really am.

So collectively I want you all to send a few prayers out in to the Universe for me, that I find Mr. Right. I know he's out there and he's making his way to me.

Could you just pray that he drives a fast car so he gets here soon?

Oooh look, it's a new Bachelor post!

I know you've all been dying for a new one, and I just had to wait til the right guy came along.

Ding ding ding...we have a winner!!!!

Hello Dear,
how is your work? I should say that I am looking for a strong,sincer and geniue woman and true love, a wild passion to drive me crazy and at the same time a stable love to keep me happy and satisfied. a relationship with respect love and caring i am male 49, Originally from LOUISIANA, scott city , i came across ur profile and i love what i saw...i am Carmen J. Miller by name, i am a very nice man that loves the lord, and loves going to church ....I am single so i am thinking of to get someone beside me and i would like you to pls tell me more about yourself. I am 6-2 tall, 220lb , averagely built , i am a straight forward person , i love kids alot , i Love to travel , i am a very regious person , i love to help those in need around me .i love to make ppl laugh , i love the outdoor games , soccer to be exact and basketball . I also swim alot, My friends describe me as being loyal, caring, and straight forward I'm financial and emotionally stable. I enjoy most types of music, love nature, travel, movies and spending time...Ask what else u need to know and i would tell you.I also would like to know more about you and if there are any pics of the you, pls send them to my personal email addy .I'm Open Minded,Caring,Respective,Easy Going,Compassionate,Tender Loving,Affectionate ,Trust Worthy ,Honest and God Fearing..I don't Discrimate in terms of Ethnic Differences, Religion Differences and I really don't Think that Distance should be Barrier in a Relationship..Am looking forward to meet an Intelligent, Honest ,Caring ,Faithful , loving Affectionate, loyal and understanding woman....And i also would like you to get back to me on this same address goldenheartman1961@yahoo.com So that it would make it easier been my personal mail box ,So that i would be able to reply you quickly.As i check my mail on a daily basis. and you can also write on me on my messenger id goldenheartman1961....
Carmen J. Miller
REGARD YOU......

Is it just me, or do they speak with a weird foreign accent in Louisiana?

Dear Carmen:

Pass.

Love, Julie.

Oooh goodie, a new Bachelor for your viewing pleasure!

(Yes, his picture was sideways in his email)

My butiful Julie

I have ben hurt in the past but I am ready to love like I've never been hurt before...To tell you more about myself...I am very intelligent, energetic, loyal, respectful, positive, optimistic, romantical, caring, sensitive, compassionate, easy going, appreciative, monogamous, friendly, sincere, understanding, monogamous, straightforward, flexible, adaptable, hardworking, monogamous and easy to please...Friends have told me that I am extremely loyal, approachable, honest, and laid back. I don't take myself too seriously since life is too short....Importantly, I have a good sense of humor and like to hard laugh. On rainy days I like watching old movie with some popcorns with that someone special.I like watching romantic films,reading ,walking on the beach, Intellectual conversations,Holding hands with a woman and having a nice day.am ready to relocate to rigth woman.

love Babatunde Williams

How can I pass up a guy who thinks I'm BUTiful? And who is willing to relocate from God knows where just to be with me? And he's clearly monogamous and romantical?

Unfortunately, I think he's too pretty for me, and I'm going to have to pass.

And the answer to the burning question is....

Yes, the date went well.

Met an an Italian restaurant, had some good wine, great conversation, and you can't ever go wrong with Salty Caramel ice cream for dessert!!!

I believe we may try it again.

Can I have your attention please?

This will be short but sweet.

I have a date tonight.

OK everybody pick yourselves up off the floor and keep reading....

Yes, a date, with who appears to be a "normal" guy. (No, I have not written about him in my blog at all!) Please wish me luck, that he's as good in person as he is on email, phone and text. If he is, this will be a lot of fun. If he's not, it will be a fast meet & greet and I'm outta there.

Will be back with a full report tomorrow. I have to go clothes shopping now. LOL

I really know how to attract 'em...Part 2

March 24, 2009

helo pretty.

hi am Mr frank kelvin am 50 years old from new maxico am divorced with a son of 23 years old .. i live in my own apartment and i love pets so much ... i just noticed your profile and i really find interest in you and i will love to know you more . you really look beautiful and you look like one of the queen sent down to earth with heart of honor ,,,i have been lonely all this wile and i want to get to know some one that i will say some thing good to and some one that will understand me we are not getting younger...we need some one special in our life's.. well i have a super market were i seal things and i have 3 employees working with me i really like them they are doing good job for me my supermarket is just 5 miles away from my house.. and i go there every day to see how they are doing i seal wears and food stock and i have sections that i seal golds and i really like the business.. well that is a little about me and i will like to know about you ...tell me what you like and dislike? i am ready to prove this to you that i really like you and we need to get get to know each other..

from your friend Mr frank kelvin if you wish to email me my email and yahoo mi is frankkelvin21@yahoo.com

Dear Frank,

Have you met my lesbian lover, Darlene?

Love, Julie

(PS....not intending to piss off my other lesbian lovers, Deb, Linda, Jill, Danica, etc. Frank can only handle so much in one day.)

I really know how to attract 'em, don't I?

Date: 3/21/09
Subj: Its Those Lovely Eyes and Smile of Yours

Hi Julie!

Well, I will admit that your great photo caught my attention.....so, I thought i would write to say hi and see if there was any possibility for us!! My name is Alan and although I live in Chicago..I do come to Columbus quite often for work. I also have to be perfectly honest with you and tell you that I am, in fact, married but I thought I would take a chance and write anyway.

It would be great to get to know you through email and perhaps, meet when I am next in Columbus for a cup of coffee (yes, I am also addicted to Starbucks Mocha's..) or a drink. I would be happy to send you my photos (obviously, I can't post them...because of my marital status)..if you let me know your email. My email is sf7786@yahoo.com . I do hope that I will hear from you...and will wait 'impatiently' for you with my 'fingers and toes' crossed! Until then, ALAN

Oh no, he di'int.

Well, of course I responded...how could I not?

Dear Alan:

I divorced a cheating husband and I'm not interested in someone else's. Don't waste my time again.

Now, in retrospect I wish I hadn't responded so quickly. In fact I wish I'd contacted him, and led him on long enough to find out how to contact his wife, and then send her an email saying she really should know that her husband is trolling for affairs on MySpace. Trust me, I am damn good at detective work now. I developed my skills the hard way.

Fucktard. Men like that piss me off so bad, you have *no* idea.

Oh, you might note that I didn't block out his email address here. Just in case any of you want to jump on such a hot prospect such as this...

I'm just sayin.

Guys like this should devote half as much time to saving their marriages as they do trying to tear them apart.

Let's hope Alan's wife Google's his email address some day and this little PSA pops up.

Karma's a far bigger bitch than I am, Alan.