We've decided to separate.

Aahahahahahahhahahahahah. Funny stuff.

Happy Friday!

No really...I'm not!

Happy Friday, peeps!

To All Who Survived.....

This was emailed to me recently, and I loved it.  I remember these days with a smile on my face, and more than a few scars from bicycle accidents, etc.  These were the good old days, and I wish my son had grown up this way...

To All Who Survived the 1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!

First, we survived

Being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank

While they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, 

tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep

On our tummies in baby cribs

Covered with bright colored

Lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, 

locks on doors or cabinets,

And, when we rode our bikes,

We had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads.

As infants and children, 

We would ride in cars with no car seats, 

no booster seats, no seat belts,

No air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes..

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day 

was always a special treat.

We drank water

From the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, 

from one bottle, 

and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes,

White bread, real butter, and bacon. 

We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar.

And we weren't overweight.

WHY?

Because we were

Always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, 

as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

-- And, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps

And then ride them down the hill,

Only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into the bushes a few times, 

we learned to solve the problem..

We did not have Play Stations, Nintendos and X-boxes. 

There were no video games,

No 150 channels on cable,

No video movies

Or DVDs,

No surround-sound or CDs,

No cell phones,

No personal computers,

No Internet and no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS

And we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth,

And there were no lawsuits from those accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, 

Switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand,

And no one would call child services to report abuse.

We ate worms, and mud pies made from dirt,

And the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, 

22 rifles for our 12th, 

rode horses,made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and

- although we were told it would happen - 

we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes

Or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell

Or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts

And not everyone made the team.

Those who didn't had to learn to 

Deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out

If we broke the law was unheard of. 

They actually sided with the law!

These generations have

Produced some of the best risk-takers,

Problem solvers, and inventors ever.

The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion

 of innovation and new ideas..

We had freedom,

Failure, success and responsibility,

 and we learned how to deal with it all.

If YOU are one of those born

Between 1925-1970

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others

Who have had the luck to grow up as kids 

Before the lawyers and the government 

Regulated so much of our lives 

For our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids, 

So they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house 

with scissors, doesn't it ?

Friday Funny

Happy Friday!!!!!!!!!!

Mars versus Venus....there's no talking to either one!

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix.

The professor told his class one day, "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story.

You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely no talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:

Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,"he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle BEAM FLASHED out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.


(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped it's pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her Newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she wondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic WHOSE attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA???! Oh no, WHAT AM I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

A**hole

(Gary)

Bitch

(Rebecca)

F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ ......... I really liked this one.

Now that's some Passion Fruit

Try to eat that one like you do a banana. I dare you.

More fun for your typographical pleasure

Happy Friday!

Friday Funnies - Now this one is good!

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke. Thanks, Dr. Penny!


Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

If only this were true.

Happy Friday!

What do you mean?

There are at least eight words in the Mars/Venus dictionary that can be taken two different ways. Memorize them, there will be a quiz later.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while naked.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

A picture truly is worth a thousand...OMG's.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly present to you....

The Thailand Vagina Tree.

There just really are no words.

W-w-w-w-what?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "Fuck!," the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

*******************************************

So, yay it's Friday! That means in 48 hours I'll be heading to Vegas!

We get in Sunday night around 10pm Vegas time, and leave the following Friday on the red eye coming home.

Monday morning I'm having breakfast with my dear friend Linda Lou before she hits the road for all points East. I can't wait. Cannot believe it's been a year already since I saw her last.

I plan to spend an hour or two at the pool at Planet Hollywood every day, basking in the desert sun and working on my tan lines. Now that the orange spray tan is gone, it's time to get a real one! I've been going to the tanning bed for the past week trying to get a base tan so that I don't fry out there, but never fear...I'll have plenty of sunscreen on!

Not sure what we'll do the rest of the week. Considering a side trip to the Grand Canyon, never been there so that could be fun. Or maybe an overnight into LA. Who knows? No specific plans other than just relaxing and enjoying a week away.

It's been a stressful couple of weeks. Mama needs a cocktail. And if a cute cabana boy delivers it pool side...so be it.

Friday Thoughts on Marriage

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinnison


"I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year." - Bette Davis


"Ditto." - Julie Reeg


BTW...Happy Birthday, Amanda!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lost, Tazed and Confused.

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .. . . . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Some days you've just got to say....hell with it.

This is one of those days.

Happy Friday!

New rules for cussing at work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your fucking ass.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.


Thank You,
Human Resources

Finally Friday

It's finally Friday
I'm free again
I got my motor
running for a wild weekend
It's finally Friday
I'm outa' control
Forget the workin' blues
And let the good times roll.

Who's got big plans for the weekend?

What not to wear.

Sometimes there just are no words.

Finally Friday

Wow, it's been a long week. Didn't even have time to blog until now. And trust me, it's gonna be a short one.

But funny.

You know....when one has nothing new to report, insert joke here.

Enjoy!

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.

"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

Her mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner"?

His funeral will be held Thursday.

Cash for Clunkers?

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst part.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS...........I QUALIFY

How about You?