Caution....Mood Swing Ahead

I strongly dislike menopause.

(I would have said "fucking hate" but I'm trying to clean up my language.)

I can deal with the hot flashes.  I don't have that many of them, and usually they wake me up at like 3am, and I just kick all the covers off of me (and my guy, if he's there!) and let my constantly-running-on-medium ceiling fan cool me down for a minute.  Hot flash over, back to sleep.

I've learned to deal with the change in my hair.  What used to be thick and curly with lots of body is now much thinner, flatter and straighter.  It takes work to have a good hair day.

I can even deal with the pudge.  The wrinkles.  The body parts that have fallen and can't get up.

But the mood swings?  Sweet Jesus.  They are killing me.

The good news is that I don't have a LOT of them.   It's not like it's daily!  But about once every couple of weeks, I'm a cranky ass bitch.  EVERYBODY and EVERYTHING irritates me.  I can go from sweet and nice, to wanting to gouge your eyes with toothpicks, in seconds flat.

My poor guy isn't sure how to deal with me.  I have tried to explain to him that I am 49 years old, and menopause is a fact.  If he can't handle the occasional mood swing, he needs to date a 29 year old instead.  But be forewarned....her mood swings are called PMS.

We're women, we ALL have mood swings.  Been having them since the day we were born.

It's just that, at this age, they are more erratic and less explainable!

I went on to try and explain that for me, the whole drop in estrogen/mood swing feels like when you get an X-ray and they put that big heavy thing across you to shield you from the radiation?  Except that thing is like a frickin body condom that weighs you down from head to toe.  You can't get out from under it, you can't smile and laugh and pretend it's not there, you just have to deal with it til it's lifted.  But for about 24 hours, life isn't gonna be all sunshine and rainbows.

The good news is, at least I'm not a raving bitch.

I'm just quietly annoyed and really irritable. (OK, not always quiet about it.) (But loudly annoyed, with love.  LOL)

And then, just as quickly as it started, the mood swing is over.

The sun comes up, and the smile is back on my face.  My guy is safe to come over again.  Everything is right with the world.

Until the next one.

I'll try and give you a heads up of when you need to don your crash helmet, ok, honey?

So here's the scoop.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons

Finally content with a past I regret

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I'm at peace with myself

I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

I'm movin' on...

I have not been totally truthful with you guys this past couple of years about being "single".  And the reason for that is because I've been involved with my ex the entire time.  For the past five years, in fact, since our divorce.  Some of my real world friends know this, a few of my blogging buddies do, but I'm tired of hiding and pretending to be someone I'm not.  Pretending like I'm single and looking and just haven't met the good guy yet.  (OK well technically that is true, because I am single and looking, but still!)


I'm telling you this now, because the relationship has finally run it's course.  In Vegas. LOL  Yeah, most people go there and start relationships, I go there to end mine.  But it's ironic really, because we honeymooned there so I guess it is appropriate.


I should have ended our relationship with our divorce like normal people do, but I didn't. And over the years it became habit more than anything else. He gave me with someone to do things with on the weekends, to travel with, etc. It was no grand marital reconciliation, I think it was more a case of "not bad enough to leave, not good enough to stay".  

Relationship purgatory, if you will.


I've been easing out of this for months, recognizing awhile ago that we were really just nothing more than friends who had been married once and were so used to being together that we were just too ingrained in the habit to stop wasting each other's time and move on.  And the need to move on kicked into high gear back in January when I met a really great guy, and I was in no position to pursue anything because of the situation I was in. (And damn, that pissed me off!)

Honestly, the idea of dating scared the shit out of me.  But when I met someone who really interested me and I was too embarrassed to say ""Hey, I need to close this door before I can open another one, can you hang in there with me for a few weeks while I extricate myself from this?", well that's when I realized I had to change my situation and fast, because precious time was slipping away and there are perfectly great guys out there getting snatched up by other women who are smart enough to actually divorce their husbands when they divorce their husbands. LOL   But it still took me 5 months to do it!  I just had to get really, really tired of not getting my needs met, and get my head and my heart on the same page.  And that finally happened. (And yes, Penny....I mean it this time.)


Anyway....that's why I came home from Vegas early, on Thursday night. Well, that and my Mom of course.  However, her situation was not life threatening, and I could have stayed until Saturday as planned.  But I just couldn't.  Emotionally, I hit a wall on Wednesday, and I had that moment where you realize that you're really just DONE.  When I got the call Thursday morning that my Mom was going back to the hospital, I knew it was a sign from God or the Universe or Oprah that I needed to get my sorry ass on a plane back to Columbus, so I did.


And I've gotta tell you, I feel amazing.  I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.  I feel like I have been stagnant for so long, and now I'm happy and excited about what my future holds for me,  for the first time in many, many years.  I have hope, and that's something I haven't had since 2005.


I'm telling you all this because part of my "starting over" is coming clean and being honest about who I am and what I'm doing.  I've been too ashamed to admit that I was still dating my ex, so I just didn't talk about it and instead, gave you all the impression that I had no involvement with him.  I am sorry that I mislead you, and I hope that you will forgive me.  I promise not to do that again.


I am all about being my authentic self now, and part of that is admitting my flaws (and I've got lots of 'em, trust me), identifying and correcting my weaknesses, and making the changes necessary to have the life and love I've only allowed myself to dream about.  


And you know I'll blog about it every step of the way.  I hope you'll take this journey with me.

I didn't mean to break your heart....

I have a new favorite song.

It's called 'Break Your Heart' and it's by Barenaked Ladies. (I guess it's an old song of theirs, but I just found it. I'm not a big BNL fan but Elizabeth turned me on to it.)

It's basically about staying too long in a relationship and not having the balls to say "This isn't working" and move on because you don't want to hurt the other person.

But maybe the other person will be okay because they'd rather have you end it than continuing wasting their time.

I really identify with this song in many ways.

One part in particular says...

The weakest thing I've ever done was to stay right by your side
Just like this time, and every time

I'm about ready to have that phrase tattooed on my body right above my "Faith" tattoo to remind me that I am stronger than that now.

Anyway, without further ado, I give you my new favorite song. Words to follow, in case you don't have time to listen to it.



The bravest thing I've ever done
Was to run away and hide
But not this time, not this time
And the weakest thing I've ever done
Was to stay right by your side
Just like this time, and every time
I couldn't tell you I was happy when you were gone
So I lied and said that I missed you when we were apart.
I couldn't tell you, so I had to lead you on
But I didn't mean to break your heart.

And if I always seem distracted
Like my mind is somewhere else,
That's because it's true
Yes it's true
it's this stupid pride that makes me feel
Like I have to follow through
Even half-assedly, loving you
Why must I always speak in terms of cowardice?
When I guess I should have just come out and told you right from the start
Why must I always tell you what I want is this?
I guess cause I wouldn't want to break your heart

And you said;
"What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Curl up and die just because of you?
I'm not that weak, you know
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Try to make you love me as much as I love you?
how could you be so low?
You arrogant man,
What do you think that I am?
My heart will be fine
Just stop wasting my time"

And now I'm over you, I'll be ok
And that i've got what I want
And that's rid of you
Bye
And it's not cause I'll be missing you
That makes me fall apart
it's just that I didn't mean to break
Your heart

Writer's Block and other mental issues

I have writer's block today.

It's not often that I'm speechless, or have nothing to voice my opinion on, so this might be a banner day for me!

But I've got nothing to say.

I started writing this blog as therapy after my divorce, and used it as an outlet to vent my frustrations and channel some energy in a more productive way than sitting around smoking and drinking and whining.

Now, 14 months later, life has improved dramatically. I don't spend time with my ex like I used to, therefore the roller coaster has become a merry go round...everything just goes along calmly, steadily. I expended so much energy on him all the time that now I am trying to figure out what excites ME. What I feel passionate about. What are the things I want to do with my life now?

Frankly, I'm a little bored!

I've got my eating under control and am no longer using food for comfort. I'm losing weight and feeling good, so I can't complain.

I still haven't learned to like exercise, let alone LOVE it. It's a struggle all the time for me to go to the gym. It's definitely not something I am passionate about doing.

I've pierced my nose, gotten a new tattoo, and grown some fierce tomato plants. I've been to Vegas, I've thrown a graduation party, I've planted a lot of flowers and I've maintained my clean house.

And yet...still bored.

However, I think I tend to relate that to being lonely.

I don't mind being alone. My son rarely spends a night at home anymore and I've learned to sleep ok at night with him gone. I feel like I live alone and he just drops by on occasion when he's not at work. I'm okay with being on my own, and having the freedom to watch what I want to on TV, to eat cereal for dinner, and come and go as I please without having to be a full time parent.

But I am so lonely it's palpable.

I miss dating. I miss intimacy. I miss flirting. I miss hand holding, and making out like teenagers. I miss sweet text messages and phone calls and surprise flowers. I miss...well, you know what I miss the most. *That* goes without saying!

The bottom line is, I miss being in love.

And unfortunately, that's what I am passionate about.

As we all know, I haven't had very good luck meeting guys on the Internet. (However I am great at meetng women on here!!!) My friends are all married, their friends are all married, and I don't do the bar scene.

(You know, for someone with writer's block, this is turning into an awfully long post!)

For the record, I really am happier than I've been in a long time. I finally feel good about myself again, and am happy with where I am in life.

I just want to share that with someone.

I'm ready. I really, really am.

So collectively I want you all to send a few prayers out in to the Universe for me, that I find Mr. Right. I know he's out there and he's making his way to me.

Could you just pray that he drives a fast car so he gets here soon?

Due to lack of interest, today has been cancelled.

I am in no state of mind to blog. I've been up since 4:15, and I'm just having a tough day. (Shit, it's 5:45am and a bad day already? This does NOT bode well for the prospect of a good Sunday, does it?)

Is it hormonal? Am I depressed? I don't know. I cried for an hour until I could no longer breathe in a horizontal position and had to get out of bed.

Nothing bad has happened. I think I'm just stressed from working a lot, I'm adjusting to my day to day, hands on job as a Mom being over and my baby adult child no longer needing me, and frankly, I'm really lonely. I hate being almost 48 years old and single. I need companionship, and not the kind that you get from girlfriends either. I have plenty of friends and family who love me. I just miss being in love, and having someone love me back. I don't mind being alone, but damn I am lonely.

Jordan is having a great time in Chicago. He started a blog of his own (the apple doesn't fall far from this tree, eh?) so click HERE to read it. I'm his first follower...go figure.

OK kids, I'm going to go drink some coffee, read the paper, and try to get my shit together. This day HAS to get better.

*********************

OK you have to look at THIS. It's Jordan's MySpace page. Look at this collage of pictures of him and his girlfriend Stephanie. They've basically been best friends for several years now, so the first 4 pictures are ones of them as friends over that time period, the 5th picture is from Prom last May, when I think they started thinking maybe they were more than friends, and then a current one of them as boyfriend/girlfriend. What I love about this, is the quote underneath, which if you don't recognize it, it's from the end of When Harry Met Sally, when Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal are talking about their relationship and how they ended up married. It's one of my favorite all time movies, and I had no idea it was on Jordan's page until now. It describes him and Steph perfectly. Dammit, I'm crying again! LOL....but at least it's happy crying because it makes me happy to see my son this way.

Holy shit...what's that feeling? Wait...am I "happy"??

Hold on. I'm trying to identify an emotion.

Yep, I think I've pinned it down...

I'm either happy, or somebody slipped something into my coffee this morning and this is simply a chemical reaction.

Weird. I haven't felt this way for a long time. Years. Many, many years. Oh, I suppose there were times when I was married that I was happy. I actually remember feeling quite happy on my honeymoon. But it went downhill from there.

The past three years have sucked a big one. I thought "happy" was just a fond memory.

Yet today, I woke up without that constant feeling of dread that has been hanging over me for what seems like forever.

I was actually singing in the shower. Okay, technically it was more like the sound of a pig being attacked by a mountain lion, however it was high pitched ugly to the tune of Destiny's Child "Survivor".

I have found myself thinking "up". Looking "up". Feeling "up". (Which is not the same as being felt up, however I have hope that too will come back into my life soon!)

Dare I say..I'm happy?

Hell yes I say it! I'm in a good place, for the first time in so freaking long I can't even tell you. I'm looking forward to my future, and not mourning my past. I'm excited about dating again at some point (even though the prospects I've seen so far aren't exactly appealing to me at this juncture). I'm feeling ALIVE again. I'm laughing, I'm spending time with family and friends (and enjoying it!), and best of all, I am finding myself okay with being alone.

Because..I'm not lonely.

Part of what kept me with my ex for the past three years was the feeling that "something" is better than "nothing".

It's not. Not when the something is just flat out insane. Batshit crazy. Psychotic.

"Nothing" is much quieter. Much less stressful. Much more peaceful.

And happy feels damn good. Welcome back, stranger.

Drop the mouse and step away from the keyboard...

For the love of God, people, do NOT let me drink and type again.

Geesh.

After I had a bottle of wine a cocktail, I passed out took a nap on the couch, and I have a bitch of a headache feel better now. But after reading what I wrote when I was shitfaced mildly impaired, I've decided that I am grounding myself from the computer when alcohol is involved.

Honestly, I am fine. I was having a bad day, and I've snapped out of it. Hello early menopause PMS.

Bottom line is, he's an asshole, and he never deserved me. Fuck him.

Hell, some idiot even cheated on Halle Berry, so like people have tried to tell me for years, his wandering dick had nothing to do with me.

Speaking of which, I heard what might be my favorite new line....

"If I looked like Halle Berry, I wouldn't need a man. All I'd need is a glass of wine, a candle, and a full length mirror."

Makes me laugh just typing it.

I'm off to watch Sarah Palin Tina Fey on SNL. Rumor has it the real pitbull with lipstick is going to be on as well...

Thanks for indulging me tonight. I'll be funny again tomorrow, I promise.

Wait...I *am* funny, right?

Things are calming down. I think.

So, while it started out to be a bit of a crazy week, things seem to be calming down some now.

My old tenant moved out of my condo, although I just discovered he left me with a $155 water bill. He did at least leave it in great shape, so there wasn't much I had to do other than clean the carpets. Got the new tenant her keys yesterday and she's moving in this weekend. So basically I managed to not have to pay any money out of pocket for mortgage on this place, and I'm good to go for at least another year unless she breaks her lease for some reason. She's on a lease option so ideally she'll buy it in the next 12 months.

I hate landlording. I have owned this condo since 1994, and because of the area it's located in, the property values have doubled since I bought it. I lived there for 10 years, and then moved 5 months after I got married when the ex and I bought my dream house (I talked about it in this post). Little did I know I would only be in that house for a year and a half before I had to run for my life.

I guess I should be happy that I didn't sell the condo when we moved into our house, because my ex would have gotten half of the equity in it, and let's face it, he took enough from me at the end of our marriage as it is. At least I came out of it with that, even though now I own two houses and have to be a landlord. As most of you know, a year after my divorce my tenant at that time trashed my condo to the tune of $6,000 in repairs and another $11,000 in mortgage payments for almost a year while I tried to sell it. I had no choice but to get another renter in there or I was going to go bankrupt. So I did, and he was supposed to buy it and didn't, and now I have yet another renter and still haven't sold the damn thing. But I have a good feeling about this girl, and I think this time I have a true buyer.

In other news...

I'm really enjoying life without all the drama my ex causes. Not seeing or talking to him is WONDERFUL. I'm free finally!!!!!!!!!!! It's been a long time coming, and after his maniacal rantings via text last weekend, I realize that even trying to be his friend is impossible. He is not stable. (And if you saw his follow up email to me on Tuesday, you would understand why I say that) I made the decision when I was having police patrol my house last Saturday, to cut all ties with him no matter what. Even if that means it affects my relationship with his mother, then so be it. My first priority is protecting myself and my son.

And yes, Cheri...I cancelled my Vegas trip. I couldn't get my airfare refunded because I had booked it using the free ticket I got for getting bumped off my flight in April coming home from Vegas, but I don't care. There was too high of a price to pay physcially, mentally and emotionally for that free trip back to Vegas with him. He'd have probably buried my body out in the desert somewhere anyway.

So, who's got big plans this weekend?

Happy Un-niversary to me.

So, five years ago today, at 11:30am on a sunny, beautiful September morning much like today, I walked down the aisle into what I thought was forever. Turns out, forever lasted 2 years and 8 days.

I have not been looking forward to this day. It's the first time that it's fallen on a Saturday since we got married. Most years since our divorce, I can go to work and keep myself busy and not think about it.

Today, I woke up at 6am, after having a dream that my ex was back with the woman he let break up our marriage. Funny, five years ago when I woke up alone on this Saturday morning, I was filled with so much hope and anticipation and excitement, and today I woke up by myself, sad and angry and lonely.

As I sat down to write this, the emotion overtook me, and I found myself with my hands covering my face, sobbing in that way that demonstrates grief at it's quietest and loudest. I lost so much when my marriage ended. I lost not only the material things like my house and my car, I lost my job, I lost my financial security, I lost the dreams I had for my future, I lost the life we'd planned out, and most importantly, I lost my faith in love, in marriage, and in commitment. So yes, I am still grieving. It's been three years and it hurts just as much today as it did the day I found out about my husband's affair. The day my forever fell apart.

I had so many things I wanted to write today, I knew if I sat down here at the computer and started typing, this would turn into a rambling post that would probably bore the shit out of most of you.

But ironically, just now, an email popped up in the corner of my computer screen from The Secret. And I have decided that maybe it was sent to me this morning for a reason.

What is the answer to every difficult circumstance in life?

Take the positive path.

Choosing the positive path can be easy at some times in our life and more difficult at other times. When everything is going along well, when we are on a roll, choosing the positive path just flows through us as an easy, natural choice. When something negative comes along it can be far more challenging for us to choose the positive path. But choose it we must! No matter how challenging the negativity may be, there is simply no other way to bring our lives back into positivity.

If negative situations appear, you must use your will and refuse to lower yourself to negative thoughts, words, actions, and emotions. Use your will and decide that not only will you focus on the positive, but you will ramp up the positive in every thought, word, and action of your day.

It takes determination, strength, faith, and the power of your will to focus on the positive when intense negativity descends, but remember that the Universe and the law of attraction are with you. As you focus on the positive, focus more on the positive, think of the positive, speak of the positive, and take positive and good actions, the law of attraction will give your life wings. Suddenly you will look around you and you will find that the negativity has gone, and that your life has been filled with goodness and joy.

So, in light of this, I've decided to start this post over today....and here goes.

Hi everyone, I got married 5 years ago today. It was a really nice day.

Wake me up when September ends.

Once upon a time, 5 years ago, September was a damn good month for me. I got married then. I really liked September 20, 2003...it was a happy time.

Now...September sucks.

My father died September 18, 2004, two days before my first wedding anniversary. In retrospect it probably didn't bode well for my marriage that I celebrated that anniversary in a funeral home.

The next year, on my second anniversary, September 20, 2005, I was separated from my husband and in the worst pain of my life.

And 8 days later, on September 28th, my divorce was final.

That year, Green Day came out with "Wake Me Up When September Ends". Needless to say, I identified completely.

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends

Something old...nothing new....

I've got nothing newsworthy to report.

Because that's how exciting my life is. It's all glamour. Commence to being jealous. I'll wait....

Don't get me wrong! I'm grateful for "no drama", I have had more than my fair share with you-know-who the past three years. It's nice that things in that particular area are calm. I think one of us is medicated. LOL

But I'd like a little excitement of some sort! Because when I get bored...I usually get in trouble. I do stupid crap like cut my hair all off, or color it some strange shade that is not found in nature, you know...that instant gratification type of things that one does for a cheap thrill.

(Which, if you've ever been to my hairdresser, you know it's not cheap!!!)

Part of my problem is that I have spent 47 years waiting for life to happen. Just kind of sitting back, with a very lazy "come what may" outlook. What I need to do is grab life by the balls and take control of the situation! Get out there and make my own fun! Make my own excitement! Find something to be passionate about, and throw myself into it!

Damn that sounds good, doesn't it?

I wonder at what point I will start taking my own advice? Maya Angelou says "When you know better, you do better". Well, I've known better for years! When does the "do better" start?

Not tonight, dear...I have a headache.

Been fighting this headache/neck thing since July 30th. Today, massive headache going on. It's got to be a tension headache....feel like my head is in a vice grip, my neck and shoulder muscles are so tight you could bounce a quarter off of them, the base of my skull hurts to touch. I just want to lay down, close my eyes, and not move.

So I have nothing witty to say today. Back tomorrow....

Oh, by the way, had blog visitors from Ireland and Germany last night. Welcome!

Why am I glad it's Monday?

Sometimes my weekends feel like they are the same thing over and over. Get up, attempt a little house cleaning, wonder what I'll do to entertain myself all day, wish I had someone to do things with, watch TV, go to bed. Rinse, lather, repeat.

I don't really feel like posting today. Or rather, I don't feel like alienating everyone with my mood today. I'm in a crappy mood. Verrrrrrrry bad. Those of you who know me well can pretty much guess why I'm in a bad mood...or at the very least, who got me into it.

So I'm going to retreat back into my dark little hole, be pissy all by myself until I'm not pissy anymore, and then I'll be back.

Oh, went to see The Dark Knight on Saturday. Wow, Heath Ledger is fantastic. Truly. It makes me sad that he's not here to receive all of the accolades for his amazing work. But boy, he sure went out on top.

Also, had to go back to the chiropractor *again* today. My neck is a hot mess. He adjusted me yet again, did more electrical stimulation, and actually went as far as to take my blood pressure because I'm complaining so much of a headache. It was 130/87, which is high for me (I'm the girl who was 97/53 when I was 9 months pregnant! But I've been running a normal 120/80 the past few years) but he feels even that is elevated due to pain and stress. The adjustment might have worked a little, I feel less headachy (it feels like a tension headache!) but it's still not going completely.

I'm just a grump, seriously. I think I need laid. LOL

Hormones on the loose.

What the hell is wrong with me today??? I'm a hot mess!

I went to bed at 9:30 last night after taking a muscle relaxer to try and loosen my neck up and I got a really good nights sleep, but I remember having dreams about my ex and my son getting into it, and me being right back in the middle where I always was. Only this time I didn't wait for him to cheat on me, I just got me and my kid the hell out of there. LOL

Anyway, so by the time I was getting ready for work this morning and was putting my makeup on, I started thinking about my sister, Linda. I miss her as much today as I did the day she died, 4 years ago. It's true that time helps (I can't say it heals, but it helps) and while I think about her every single day, I don't cry about it. But for some reason this morning, all I could think about was when she died, and me doing the eulogy, and remembering how I sang "The sun will come out tomorrow..." because she would always break into that song when someone was having a bad day. And the next thing you know, I'm crying in the mirror and mascara is running everywhere. Geesh.

So I get my act together and drive to work, and right before I get into downtown, the song "Neither One of Us" by Gladys Knight and the Pips comes on. I used to torture myself with that song when my marriage was ending, and here 3 years later as I hear it on the radio, I start crying again! And yet, I couldn't manage to turn it off.

Lord.

I am SO not watching that freaking lion reunion video today, or I'll be a blubbering idiot.

Booooooooooooring

Boring, boring weekend. This should be a short post!

It started out great...dinner and a movie with Penny. I miss her way too much, and we don't see each other hardly at all even when she's in town, let alone when she's traveling around the country in her retirement home. LOL. But we had such a good time. Almost blew up the car, which was good only because it was my ex's car, not mine. (Don't ask...just go with it.) Laughed our way through Sex and the City movie...identified way too much with a couple of characters! It just felt good to be with my best friend of 25 years...yes it's been that long since some friends dragged me to see a group of male strippers, and since I was madly in love with a Marine who happened to be in Japan at the time...I fell for the emcee instead. Turns out she was more of my soul mate than the Jarhead was. Our relationship has certainly lasted longer!!

Rest of the weekend was boring as hell. Seriously, didn't do a damn thing that is worth writing about. A little tanning in the pool on Saturday and Sunday pretty much covers my excitement.

I need something to be passionate about. I feel like life is just one big day to day drag. Get up, go to work, come home, watch TV and go to bed. Rinse, lather, repeat. Sad thing is, I have no motivation to do anything else, and I don't know if I'm just really depressed or really lazy. They both feel the same.

I'm a slacker.

I can admit it. I'm healthy that way!

I can't believe it's been a week since I blogged. I never even mentioned my trip to Cedar Point with the office (or maybe I did and I don't remember, in which case I look like a complete idiot right now!) two weeks ago. I guess I haven't been doing anything newsworthy that required blogging. And I'm way over the whole "deep thinking" thing. Screw it, let life roll.

Jordan finished school...decent grades. I can live with them. At least now our three years of German language hell is finally over!!! He passed the class, barely...but passed regardless! He ended the year with 4 B's, 2 C's and 2 D's. (One D in German, the other in Algebra) He's in summer school right now taking Phys Ed so that he can graduate mid year this year. I just can't believe my baby is going to turn 18 in 6 months, and early grad a month later. Wasn't I just teaching him how to walk a few years ago? I can't believe how fast he's grown up...

Let's see, what else? Oh, I've clearly slacked off on my Daily Plate thing, and this weekend discovered my ex now weighs less than I do. This is unacceptable. He's on this whole "going to the gym and eating better" kick, and he's always weighed more than I do. Well, not now. Needless to say, I'm re-motivated.

Yeah I know, we've heard it all before....

The calm before the storm

Ever go through one of those periods where things are too quiet? Maybe I've just been on an emotional rollercoaster for so long with the ex that when I'm not being thrown around and feel like I'm hurtling through space, ready to throw up...it feels weird! Life just seems really quiet right now...don't get me wrong, I don't need it shaken up! At least not in a bad way!!!

Not much exciting this weekend. Went to a wedding Friday night, one of our former employees got married, so my boss and co-worker (David and Amanda) and David's partner Jeffrey and I all went to the wedding. Did I mention it was a DRY wedding? Jen married a guy who's family is uber religious, I guess, and they do not have alcohol at weddings....so while the wedding was dry, my new big black Coach purse wasn't! I had 22 airplane bottles of Smirnoff Vodka and Maker's Mark in it, and between the four of us we polished off all but one bottle! We had the covert operation down pat....before the dinner when we were outside on the patio, I was sitting on a bench and whoever needed a drink would stand in front of me talking (effectively blocking the view of me to all other guests), while holding his/her glass down in front of them while I poured a bottle of booze into it. Once we got inside, I just made the trips up to the beverage center to get soft drinks, and then would beeline into the restroom on my way back to the table to light 'em up. It all worked out fine....

Saturday, did some shopping at Kohl's and later around 5:30 our server went down at work, and I ended up having to meet the ex here to deal with it. That's always fun. Grabbed a bite to eat and went to his house and watched Rambo, and then was home by midnight.

Speaking of my ex house, can I just say that I have a love-hate relationship with it? When we bought that house, it was my dream home. Big, beautiful, roomy, new, it was everything I never imagined I'd own. We closed on it and moved a week after my sister's funeral. The day we closed and got the key, I remember walking around the house crying, because I had shown Linda pictures of it the day before we lost her, and I kept saying how she'd love it and I couldn't wait for her to see it, and I remember her saying "I'll see it, I promise". So there I was, walking around looking up at her and saying "See my big bedroom? See my fireplace?" and just sobbing that she would never be in that house with me.

But we moved in, and I fell in love with it. We had an 11' lighted Xmas tree in the living room those first holidays, we had everyone there for a few days because that was the year of the big ice storm and we were the only ones in the family who had electric! The first summer in the house I had big beautiful hanging baskets on the front porch, and I took so much pride in keeping the house clean and gorgeous, and was starting to get it decorated the way we wanted it to be. I was very proud of my home. I loved that house.

And then hell broke loose, and my marriage fell apart and I had to move out. I wanted to stay...this was my dream home, dammit...but I couldn't really afford it by myself, and Jordan wanted to move back to Gahanna anyway. Plus, there were just too many memories there to have to live with.

Now, when I go back there, and it's no longer my house, I really love/hate it. I love it because it was everything I once wanted, and I hate it because it was taken away from me. I walk in the door and I instantly get very tense because there is the furniture we bought together (I took nothing with me when I left...other than my clothes and the guest bedroom furniture), there are all the things/spaces I decorated, there are memories in every single room of that house...memories from good days, early in our marriage, and memories from bad days when it all ended. When I'm there, it's like a bad movie playing in my head. And what's worse, is that I can't ever forget that he had sex with that whore who helped break up our marriage, in our bed, in our house. That makes me want to puke.

Anyway...my ex house has been up for sale for over 2 years now. There is a part of me that will undoubtedly walk around the empty house the day he moves out and cry just like I did the day we got the keys to it. I will cry now as I did then, for all that I'd lost, and all that would never be in the that house. But at least I will also be happy, because that chapter, as so many others have in the book of my marriage, will finally have closed.

And my work here continues....

Last night I made a list of all the things I want to do to my house, as part of this "decluttering" stage I'm in. The list was pretty lengthy too! Some easy things, some hard things, and all of which require work.

Work is good for me. It keeps me from getting myself into trouble in other areas, such as doing stupid shit like letting the past interfere with my present. Thing is, and this may sound weird to those who don't know me well, but I've spent 7 years of my life totally focused on my ex. It was all about him...making sure he was happy, doing whatever he needed done, being whoever he expected me to be, and then after our divorce I was just plain out of my mind. Three years ago at this time, I was just finding out that he was having an affair and my marriage was over. THREE YEARS! So why in the hell am I just putting this behind me now???????

Because I'm a wing nut. Come on, show of hands...who's surprised by this?

Anyway...life for me right now is all about refocusing. Refocusing my time and my energy and my thoughts and my feelings towards other things. It's funny because it's like your brain has these ruts that develop over time, and for me my thoughts just go down the road of those ruts as they have for 7 years now. So my challenge is to create new ruts to travel on!

And you know what my biggest challenge is? PUTTING MYSELF FIRST. Thinking about what I want, and what I need. It makes me feel selfish, and it's a hard thing to get used to. I haven't put me first in years. Not since I had a child. And certainly not since I met my ex. I guess I will eventually find that balance between doing the things I want to do for me, and not feeling guilty about it.

It's kind of sad to think it's taken me 47 years to become an active participant in my own life. But hey, better late than never, right?

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OMG...LOL. I just read my horoscope for today!

Well, that's it then. Decision made. Process complete. Vital, life-changing conclusions reached. New financial, emotional and spiritual regime begun. You are not aware that such momentous forces have been called into play? It may be because, so far, the changes have been private, personal and psychological, rather than physical. There may even have been no discussion, let alone demonstration. But that's coming along soon enough. What matters is the intention, and that, now, is clear.

Well then! I guess that's that!

A whole life makeover.

I have started clearing the clutter in my life.

It has come to my attention recently that there are a lot of things holding me back from living the life that I want to live...and I'm the biggest offender. I asked on here a week or two ago "Can you get to a future if your past is present?" and I had to finally take some action on that.

My past is no longer present. My past is in my past where he belongs. My past won't be coming back to haunt me either because I won't allow it.

The other thing that has been really affecting me recently is the state my house has been in. I have many friends who's houses are pristine. Everything has a place. There is no clutter. The dining room table is for dining, not for piling crap on! I used to have a pristine house, when I was married. I lived in my dream home, it was big and beautiful and I was proud of it.

I haven't been proud of much recently. In fact, I've been more embarrassed and ashamed than anything. Embarrassed at my own behavior, when it came to my house, and the mess I allowed it to be. I wrote it off to having a teenager, but the truth is that for the past three years, I have just checked out of life. I may have been physically here...breathing...functioning....but mentally and emotionally, I've felt like the walking dead.

My divorce was hard on me, but I made it worse by staying involved in a relationship with my ex-husband. I can't tell you why I did it, I mean what woman in her right mind would continue to stay with someone who cheated on her, lied to her at every turn, even went as far as to destroy my belongings as I was moving out of the house? I have no defense for my actions. Elizabeth's assessment is that I have spent the past three years trying to prove to him that he fucked up in getting involved with another woman, that he had the best thing in the world right there at home and he couldn't see it. Maybe there is some truth in that. And maybe I just didn't want to let go of my marriage. I didn't want to be out in the world again as a single woman, having to date and get to know someone all over again. I didn't want to go back to going to family fucntions alone, to not having anyone to do things with on the weekends, to be solo at the office Christmas party.

But here I am. 47 and single. And I have to get to the point that I'm okay with that. I have to be happy with the cards that life has dealt me, and make the best damn poker hand that I can. And for the first time since my divorce, I'm really, really trying.

I threw out the Joker. (LOL!)

I am now Queen of my own life.

Somewhere there is a King looking for a hot babe like me.

And my Ace in the hole is that no matter what happens from here on out, I have friends who love me, family who stands by me no matter what, an amazing child that makes me laugh and smile every single day, and I am thankful for every bump in the road, every heartbreak, every tear I've had to cry to get to where I am today, because it's made me stronger than I ever knew I was.

So yeah, I'm cleaning house. Literally as well as figuratively! Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen and dining area from top to bottom. There is no longer anything on the counters that doesn't belong there! Everything is clean...appliances, cabinets, floors! The dining table as a centerpiece and nothing else! If feels SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!! Jordan got home from work and walked in and said "Whoa! What happened here today??" Then he decided that it feels like we just moved in and it was freaking him out. LOL

This morning, I stumbled out of bed and into the kitchen to turn the alarm off and let the dogs out, and was pleasantly suprised at how clean it was! It really started my day off right!!!!! Tonight, I'm working on my bedroom or the bathroom, one of the two. And assigning tasks to my son regarding the computer room!! I'm having that pristine house again...I'm tired of the chaos that my outer world reflects, I've been chaotic enough on the inside!

I'm getting everything in my life in order. I got off track with the Daily Plate this past couple of weeks but I'm back on it today. I read something the other day that really hit home with me:

"The body you are given will be yours for the duration of your time here. Love it or hate it, accept it or reject it, it is the only one you will receive in this lifetime. It will be with you from the minute you draw your first breath to the last beat of your heart. Since there is a no-refund, no-exchange policy on this body of yours, it is essential that you learn to transform your body from a mere vessel into a beloved partner and lifelong ally, as the relationship between you and your body is the most fundamental and important relationship of your lifetime. It is the blueprint from which all your other relationships will be built."

That's pretty profound, isn't it?

I love lightbulb moments!

OK so I'm off work clean up some of the chaos in my office now. I'm telling you, I am decluttering every area of my life. Ain't nothing safe from Hurricane Julie right now!!!!!!!!!

And the pendulum swings back the other direction now....

Mood swings. Gotta love 'em. Menopause at it's finest!

So today, I'm in a better mood. Even though my renter has not paid his rent yet, and is avoiding my phone calls. Arrrrgh. And even though my buyer hasn't been able to close yet, and it makes me upset for her because I know how much she loves this house, and the freaking mortgage companies are jacking her around.

But I laughed out loud this morning at my horoscope. It says:

The past is not yet the past. It is the force that has shaped the present and, if you are not careful, it will turn out to be the force that defines your future. You keep referring to some experience which made a big impression on you long ago. You are subtly allowing this to colour your judgement, prejudice your opinion and stunt your imagination. You stand poised to achieve great things. Before you can move forward successfully, though, you must first face (and beat) an old fear.

So I email it to Elizabeth and say, "Gee, wonder what *that's* about? LOL Think it's trying to tell me something???" and she responds in her typical fashion:

Uh, yeah! In a nutshell, you're allowing one negative event to define your entire life at this point. And to put it in perspective, you're allowing the fact that a man who has NEVER been faithful to ANYONE make you feel like a failure because he wasn't faithful to YOU. Thing about all this is, VP (note: this is our nickname for my ex) was just being VP. You happened to choose a fellow who just plain is who he is, and won't ever change, and you made it your mission in life to make him into someone else. And when it didn't work, you turned it on yourself, like you had fallen short somewhere. It would be like me buying a dog, and then spending the next 7+ years trying to get it to act like a cat, and then feeling awful about myself and mistrusting every other dog on the planet because I couldn't turn this one into something that purrs instead of barks.

Metaphor Mary strikes again! lol

So let that dog be the dog he was born to be and go find yourself another pet. Out of all the millions of men in this world, many of which who are very GOOD men.... stop letting this one insignificant petty little person define your entire being. There's a whole world out there full of really great things, and you'll never find them if you stay sitting on the couch wishing your dog were a cat. Accept that he's a dog and let him go piss in someone else's yard.

OMG, it makes me laugh all over again when I read it. God love her. She can come up with some good ones!