Finally Friday.

It's been a long week. Probably because for the past two, I only worked four days one week and three the next. This five day thing sucks! I haven't really taken much vacation this summer either. But I'm going to Washington DC/Virginia the first weekend in October (Nestie girls trying to get pregnant...start your engines!) and then back to Vegas the first week of November.

Doing good on the healthy eating thing. I'm feeling better too. Just a subtle shift in energy levels, etc, but I definitely notice it. I haven't had anything but natural sugar (ie: fruit) all week, and it's funny how you stop craving sweets and sugar when you don't eat it. It's like Penny has told me for years, you crave what you put into your body, so if you aren't putting sugar in, you aren't jonesing for it! I've had 2 Reeses Cups at my house for a week now, and have not touched them. This, for a chocoholic like myself, is unheard of.

Not having a glass of wine or my beloved Vodka & Diet Pepsi in the evening has been a little hard. It's not that I *can't* have it, I just choose not to right now. I have to get myself under control first.

My plan this weekend is to make some soup to freeze and eat for lunches next week. Going to get my grocery list in order and shop for more good stuff.

Oh, and exercise.

(Why do I hate even saying the word???)

I've got to learn to tolerate love exercising. Any suggestions on how?

Back on the wagon

Well, I know you've heard it all before....but I'm motivated again to lose weight and get healthy.

Yeah, I realize you can look at the labels on the side of this blog, see all the ones for diet and motivation and say "Gee Julie, you were motivated 5 months ago? Oh, and 3 months ago? How's that working out for you???"

It's not. I suck at this.

However, after seeing pictures of myself at the wedding and realizing just how huge I am, it makes me sick. I have lied to myself long enough, with "Oh, it's the camera angle" or "This shirt makes me look fat". No sweetie, it isn't the camera or the shirt. It's YOU.

I did one of those weight calculators based on my height and age and frame size and hair color and whatever other stupid factors they considered, and according to it, I am 80 lbs out of range. EIGHTY POUNDS. And that's out of the high end of the range! I'm 100 lbs out of the low end!

I need to lose an Olsen. That's fucking depressing.

Funny thing is, I'm no heavier weight-wise than I was 3 years ago. But for some reason, it's all gone soft and squishy. I have rolls now where they don't belong! I'm talking in areas of my body that is NOT MEANT TO HAVE AN OVERHANG. I look at myself naked and seriously, I cannot stand the view. How on earth do I think I could ever share it with some poor unsuspecting man??????????

Ugh. I never had good self esteem anyway and what little I did have got snatched away during my marriage divorce. And now I look at myself and think, why? Why, knowing my family history of diabetes, cancer, heart attacks, Alzheimer's, strokes, high blood pressure, etc...why am I still smoking, eating crappy food and not exercising?

Didn't it have any impact on me, watching my sister struggle for 8 weeks after having a massive stroke that should have killed her right off the bat, and ultimately took her life anyway? Do I honestly think that can't happen to me?? She smoked, she drank, she didn't exercise either. And guess what, the shape of my body now rivals hers exactly. I used to always notice how she was very thick between her waist and her chest, and now I am too.

I am not going to fucking die like she did. I refuse. I will not put my family through it, I will not put my son through losing his mother. HE deserves better, and so do I.

I deserve to fall in love again and have a second chance at happily ever after.

I deserve to watch my son go off to college, to have a career, and be a happy, healthy and successful man.

I deserve to play with my grandchildren and spoil them rotten.

I deserve to live until I'm 90, and still be able to take care of myself.

And by God, I'm going to get all those things!!!!

I'm 3 days in, and I'm feeling good. I did a half hour of Wii Fit last night, and my new Wii Fit age is 42.

By the time my 30 year class reunion rolls around in May, I will be one hot mama.

I'm a slacker.

I can admit it. I'm healthy that way!

I can't believe it's been a week since I blogged. I never even mentioned my trip to Cedar Point with the office (or maybe I did and I don't remember, in which case I look like a complete idiot right now!) two weeks ago. I guess I haven't been doing anything newsworthy that required blogging. And I'm way over the whole "deep thinking" thing. Screw it, let life roll.

Jordan finished school...decent grades. I can live with them. At least now our three years of German language hell is finally over!!! He passed the class, barely...but passed regardless! He ended the year with 4 B's, 2 C's and 2 D's. (One D in German, the other in Algebra) He's in summer school right now taking Phys Ed so that he can graduate mid year this year. I just can't believe my baby is going to turn 18 in 6 months, and early grad a month later. Wasn't I just teaching him how to walk a few years ago? I can't believe how fast he's grown up...

Let's see, what else? Oh, I've clearly slacked off on my Daily Plate thing, and this weekend discovered my ex now weighs less than I do. This is unacceptable. He's on this whole "going to the gym and eating better" kick, and he's always weighed more than I do. Well, not now. Needless to say, I'm re-motivated.

Yeah I know, we've heard it all before....

Oh, and remember my clean kitchen from May 18th?

Well, guess what...


IT'S STILL CLEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woohooooooooooooo!

The dining room table *still* only has fresh flowers in a vase on it, and nothing else! Woohoooooooooooooo!

I love it!!

I swear, I'm going to take a picture tonight and post it here for proof!

I've also been purging my bedroom too, which is nice. And I'm looking at new carpet for the living room, and figuring how what color I want to paint everything.

I'm so in control, I scare me!!!!!!!!!

And my work here continues....

Last night I made a list of all the things I want to do to my house, as part of this "decluttering" stage I'm in. The list was pretty lengthy too! Some easy things, some hard things, and all of which require work.

Work is good for me. It keeps me from getting myself into trouble in other areas, such as doing stupid shit like letting the past interfere with my present. Thing is, and this may sound weird to those who don't know me well, but I've spent 7 years of my life totally focused on my ex. It was all about him...making sure he was happy, doing whatever he needed done, being whoever he expected me to be, and then after our divorce I was just plain out of my mind. Three years ago at this time, I was just finding out that he was having an affair and my marriage was over. THREE YEARS! So why in the hell am I just putting this behind me now???????

Because I'm a wing nut. Come on, show of hands...who's surprised by this?

Anyway...life for me right now is all about refocusing. Refocusing my time and my energy and my thoughts and my feelings towards other things. It's funny because it's like your brain has these ruts that develop over time, and for me my thoughts just go down the road of those ruts as they have for 7 years now. So my challenge is to create new ruts to travel on!

And you know what my biggest challenge is? PUTTING MYSELF FIRST. Thinking about what I want, and what I need. It makes me feel selfish, and it's a hard thing to get used to. I haven't put me first in years. Not since I had a child. And certainly not since I met my ex. I guess I will eventually find that balance between doing the things I want to do for me, and not feeling guilty about it.

It's kind of sad to think it's taken me 47 years to become an active participant in my own life. But hey, better late than never, right?

******************************************

OMG...LOL. I just read my horoscope for today!

Well, that's it then. Decision made. Process complete. Vital, life-changing conclusions reached. New financial, emotional and spiritual regime begun. You are not aware that such momentous forces have been called into play? It may be because, so far, the changes have been private, personal and psychological, rather than physical. There may even have been no discussion, let alone demonstration. But that's coming along soon enough. What matters is the intention, and that, now, is clear.

Well then! I guess that's that!

A whole life makeover.

I have started clearing the clutter in my life.

It has come to my attention recently that there are a lot of things holding me back from living the life that I want to live...and I'm the biggest offender. I asked on here a week or two ago "Can you get to a future if your past is present?" and I had to finally take some action on that.

My past is no longer present. My past is in my past where he belongs. My past won't be coming back to haunt me either because I won't allow it.

The other thing that has been really affecting me recently is the state my house has been in. I have many friends who's houses are pristine. Everything has a place. There is no clutter. The dining room table is for dining, not for piling crap on! I used to have a pristine house, when I was married. I lived in my dream home, it was big and beautiful and I was proud of it.

I haven't been proud of much recently. In fact, I've been more embarrassed and ashamed than anything. Embarrassed at my own behavior, when it came to my house, and the mess I allowed it to be. I wrote it off to having a teenager, but the truth is that for the past three years, I have just checked out of life. I may have been physically here...breathing...functioning....but mentally and emotionally, I've felt like the walking dead.

My divorce was hard on me, but I made it worse by staying involved in a relationship with my ex-husband. I can't tell you why I did it, I mean what woman in her right mind would continue to stay with someone who cheated on her, lied to her at every turn, even went as far as to destroy my belongings as I was moving out of the house? I have no defense for my actions. Elizabeth's assessment is that I have spent the past three years trying to prove to him that he fucked up in getting involved with another woman, that he had the best thing in the world right there at home and he couldn't see it. Maybe there is some truth in that. And maybe I just didn't want to let go of my marriage. I didn't want to be out in the world again as a single woman, having to date and get to know someone all over again. I didn't want to go back to going to family fucntions alone, to not having anyone to do things with on the weekends, to be solo at the office Christmas party.

But here I am. 47 and single. And I have to get to the point that I'm okay with that. I have to be happy with the cards that life has dealt me, and make the best damn poker hand that I can. And for the first time since my divorce, I'm really, really trying.

I threw out the Joker. (LOL!)

I am now Queen of my own life.

Somewhere there is a King looking for a hot babe like me.

And my Ace in the hole is that no matter what happens from here on out, I have friends who love me, family who stands by me no matter what, an amazing child that makes me laugh and smile every single day, and I am thankful for every bump in the road, every heartbreak, every tear I've had to cry to get to where I am today, because it's made me stronger than I ever knew I was.

So yeah, I'm cleaning house. Literally as well as figuratively! Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen and dining area from top to bottom. There is no longer anything on the counters that doesn't belong there! Everything is clean...appliances, cabinets, floors! The dining table as a centerpiece and nothing else! If feels SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!! Jordan got home from work and walked in and said "Whoa! What happened here today??" Then he decided that it feels like we just moved in and it was freaking him out. LOL

This morning, I stumbled out of bed and into the kitchen to turn the alarm off and let the dogs out, and was pleasantly suprised at how clean it was! It really started my day off right!!!!! Tonight, I'm working on my bedroom or the bathroom, one of the two. And assigning tasks to my son regarding the computer room!! I'm having that pristine house again...I'm tired of the chaos that my outer world reflects, I've been chaotic enough on the inside!

I'm getting everything in my life in order. I got off track with the Daily Plate this past couple of weeks but I'm back on it today. I read something the other day that really hit home with me:

"The body you are given will be yours for the duration of your time here. Love it or hate it, accept it or reject it, it is the only one you will receive in this lifetime. It will be with you from the minute you draw your first breath to the last beat of your heart. Since there is a no-refund, no-exchange policy on this body of yours, it is essential that you learn to transform your body from a mere vessel into a beloved partner and lifelong ally, as the relationship between you and your body is the most fundamental and important relationship of your lifetime. It is the blueprint from which all your other relationships will be built."

That's pretty profound, isn't it?

I love lightbulb moments!

OK so I'm off work clean up some of the chaos in my office now. I'm telling you, I am decluttering every area of my life. Ain't nothing safe from Hurricane Julie right now!!!!!!!!!

Awareness is an odd thing

I'm becoming more aware of who I am.

Funny thing to discover at age 47, isn't it? Or maybe it's not.

I'm not sure what has lead to this self discovery, or why. But I've noticed that I am far more cognizant of my own behaviors than I ever have been in the past. Maybe it's because most people annoy the shit out of me these days. Not just total strangers, but people I love too! I find myself avoiding phone calls so that I don't have to talk...or having textual relations only. I write that off to peri-menopause and the complete change of hormones in my body, but the truth is, I'm just a short fused, easily ired, moody, annoyed, bored, uninterested bitch these days. (When I'm not my usual fun loving, wise cracking, sarcastic, amusing self, that is!)

But at least it's not 24 hours a day. Noooo, au contraire. It comes at random moments. Which on one hand is good, and on another....not so good for the idiot driving down the freeway in the fast lane at 55mph when the speed limit is clearly 65mph. And, the people in the right lane have me boxed in behind this guy, and I'm ready to make a sharp right and take out about three cars if SOMEBODY doesn't get their shit together and move their fucking car out of my way!

I feel better now that I got that out of my system.

But seriously, I can wake up pissed off. What the hell is there to wake up pissed off about? Bad dream? Nope. Early alarm? Same time as usual. No sex the night before and no prospect for any upon waking? Well, sure...that irritates me, but I'm learning to live with it! I can have a great night's sleep (which for me means I don't get woken up at some point with my back hurting so bad that I can't get comfortable enough to sleep) and yet by the time I get out of the shower, I'm pissed off about something.

Moody bitch.

Anyway....what I was starting to say before my ADD kicked in, was that I'm at least paying more attention to self. I'm a big proponent of speak your mind. Call a spade a spade. Don't sugarcoat anything....tell people the truth. And this particular characteristic of mine has people either loving or hating me. There's not a lot of in between! This was the part of me that my ex-hasbeen hated (aw hell, this was one of many things he hated about me. If I'd have been blind, deaf and unable to speak, we'd still be married.)

So I am learning to shut up. Bite my tongue. Walk on by. And it ain't easy for me to do!!!!! Because I always want to save someone, I always want to right the wrong, or prevent people I love from making mistakes that I've made in the past. I always try to mitigate risk wherever possible (although not to the extent Elizabeth does, LOL). But at this point, I've finally realized....sometimes it's better to just keep your opinions to yourself because even though people ask you for them, what they really want is for you to tell them what they want to hear. I've never been good at doing that, and I'm finally learning that what my mother used to tell me really is true...if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything!

So when you talk to me, and you see me biting my lip or clenching my teeth or having this ridiculous smile on my face that makes me look somewhat psychotic, just know that I really, really want to say something at that moment, but I am choosing to keep my mouth shut!!!!!!!!!!!

When it comes to my ex though, I may need a muzzle. I'm just sayin.

Happy Friday!

TGIF, eh? It's been a long week, but a good one so I can't complain. And hopefully I won't have to work this weekend, although I really should come in for a bit.

Can you believe it, I forgot to weigh in this morning! But again it was another morning of putting on jeans that I didn't have to suck anything in to button. And they've stretched out so much this morning that I feel like a teenager walking around with my underwear exposed and baggy ass seat. Then I hike 'em up (which is such a classy action when one is wearing high heels) and off I go.

I feel like I'm shrinking, which is weird. This morning I noticed it when I put my robe on...there was more robe to wrap. Can that be possible on someone my size, after only 6 lbs gone forever? Maybe I'm just unbloating. I dunno...I'll take it regardless!

Got Marilu Henner's new book last night called "Wear Your Life Well". I think it's going to be really good. I haven't worn my life well in...well, 47 years! Anyone can look at me and know that the circles and bags under my eyes are from not eating right, as is the blotchy bloated face and the fat all over my body! My house is seriously dirty, my office is a mess...I don't seem to have control over any area of my life. The only clean areas around me are my purse and my car! (Two very expensive items I seem to take care of!)

I think it's true that your outer surroundings reflect your inner chaos. The past few years of my life have been very, very stressful and chaotic. Some of it I could have controlled, some of it has been completely out of my control. In a two year period I lost my job, went to work for my fiance', married him, my mother broke a hip, my sister had a massive stroke, my father had a small stroke three days later, we bought a house and I had to relocate my child in the middle of his 7th grade year, my sister passed away, my husband and child and I had to go to family counseling because we were having a very tough time living as a family, my father passed away, my mother broke another hip, my husband and I went for 4 months not collecting paychecks at work and having to spend all of our savings etc to survive, and the coup de grace was him having an affair and us getting a divorce, and me having to find not only a new job, but a new house, a new car, and relocate again. That was the final straw, my life was blown up around me and I really had to dig deep to find the strength to go on.

That's pretty much every major life stressor there is, that happened to me in a two year period of time. And we wonder why I'm not always playing with a full deck? haha

The point I was making is this...I've had a lot going on for a long time. It's been 2 1/2 years since my divorce and it's time to get my act together once and for all. Yes, a lot of shit happened that wasn't fair and I didn't deserve. But I also allowed myself to stay in a situation afterwards that wasn't healthy either. And my outside world still reflects that.

So I'm taking back my life, dammit. I have sat around and whined long enough about what I lost. It's time to start living again! I'm making the long needed changes in my life to make it something I'm proud of, that I want to share with someone, and that I can enjoy.

In the immortal words of Janet Jackson....

Got my own mind
I wanna make my own decisions
When it has to do with my life, my life
I wanna be the one in control

Hey, I could have quoted "Nasty Girl"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My taste buds, they are a changin'

Funny how when you stop eating a whole lotta junk...you stop craving a whole lotta junk.

And funny how good simple things taste. Mandarin oranges, for example. Mmmmm. That was like a little party in my mouth a few minutes ago.

I can't wait to hit my first 10 lb. mark. I'm thinking about buying myself something for every 10 I lose, but I don't know what that would be, because that would turn into a collection of sorts and I don't collect anything but damaged men evidently. LOL! Or maybe I should just do something nice for myself. Maybe a pedicure every time. Or a massage.

Any ideas?

So I'm slacking already?

Not even a week with a blog and already I can't keep up? Geesh.

Just read my new favorite line:

When happiness becomes the priority, progress takes care of itself.

Words to live by. I'm doing really well counting calories. I'm down 4 lbs and feeling good! Got an hour walk in yesterday in the beautiful weather, and my motivation is at an all time high.

According to the Daily Plate, I should be at my goal weight on December 1st. Once I get to that goal, I'll re-evaluate and see how much more I want to lose. I may be quite happy there, so we'll see....

I'm sleepy....(yawn).....

Went to see Carrie Underwood last night. It was a good concert, albeit about an hour too long. She's not a big enough star (aka hasn't had enough hits) to fill a two hour concert. I think she sang every song on both of her albums, which got a little boring to hear 20 songs you don't know....and at the end her "encore" was November Rain and Paradise City, by Guns & Roses (yeah, figure that one out!) and finally Before He Cheats. To her credit though, she rocked the G&R stuff. I was quite surprised!

Prior to the concert we went to Eddie George's Grille for dinner, and I had two vodka and SF Red Bull's. In retrospect....bad idea! Got home at 10:30, stayed up til 12:30, finally went to bed and could not fall asleep until 2:30, and then was woken up twice getting cramps in my feet, and finally was up for good at 5:45 this morning. Ugh. Note to self, in the future, skip the Red Bull and just drink the vodka!!!!

So now I'm tired. Oh, and I should mention that in the two hours between when I got home and when I went to bed....I methodically removed every one of my fake nails. They had been breaking on the sides and stuff for several days, I think this set is just so old and brittle...so I just took them all off! It's the first time in probably 18 years that I haven't had fake nails. I don't really care for it! And it's hard to type! The ends of my fingers are sore! So I do have a nail appointment today (which is why I was fine with taking them all off last night) Now, ironically, I am considering asking if she can just put a very thin "stabilizing" coat on my natural nails to allow them to grow out. They are so weak and flimsy and it's going to take months but I may just be nail free for the first time in almost 20 years.

What the hell is wrong with me? No nails? Monitoring my eating? Trying to get healthy? EXERCISING? (Yes, I did 20 minutes on recumbant bike this morning!) Who am I and what have they done with Julie??????

In other news....

I'm going to see my mother-in-law today. After her second round of chemo, she started losing her hair (as we knew would happen) so I bought her a couple of hats to wear from this website I found online.

Oh, and yesterday, even with eating dinner out (I had a Seared Ahi Tuna salad) and the vodka's...I still came in with 256 calores to spare on The Daily Plate! Woohoo! And I'm down 3 lbs since I started it! Again, I'm aware it's fluctuations in water weight...you don't lose 3 lbs of "fat" in 3 days. But it's just nice to see the scale going down for a change. I set my first goal of losing 70 lbs (there is a tracker at the bottom of the blog now!) and that will get me to where I feel good, look good, am comfortably a size 12, and I can live with that. Believe it or not, I will still be at the highest end of the "ideal weight" for someone my height, age and skeletal size!!!!! The low end of that range is a number I have never seen in my life except when I was maybe 13. I passed it and never saw it again! I don't think my body could get there, to be honest. Years and years ago, when I was 21, I lost 60 lbs in 3 months (can you say....Black Beauties???) and I was very small for me, a size 9, I had no boobs, wore small or medium shirts...and my face came down to a point at my chin. My mother was convinced I was anorexic (no Mom, I'm just doing speed. LOL) (Hey, it was the early 80's, I did a lot of things I'm not proud of!) Even at that size (and believe me, I was little, just ask anyone who remembers those days), I still was not at the low end of my "ideal" weight! I at least carry my weight well. If I told you the number I am right now, I think you'd be shocked. At least I hope you would!

OK, off to shower and get ready for the day. It's going to be beautiful out, I think I might go take a long walk this afternoon.

WHO SAID THAT?????

So here I am....47.

Wow.

Why is it that I feel 37 mentally and 57 physically? Gee, maybe because I'm overweight, out of shape, still smoking on occasion, and refusing to set foot anywhere near a gym? Let's face it, if I'm going to be sweating and breathing hard, there better be nudity involved. I'm just sayin.

So I decided to start blogging. Jump on the wagon, so to speak. (Hey, that would qualify as exercise, right?) I was told today that I should start recording everything I eat..."if you bite it, write it". That way you are more cognizant of your food behaviors.

Food behaviors? I eat anything that doesn't move. How's that for a food behavior?

OK so back to the purpose of this blog. I just turned 47 a few weeks ago. Clearly, I'm not getting any younger. So if I plan on taking one last run at being "all that" (ok so I've never actually been "all that", but I'd like to, at least once before I die, hear someone say "You're too skinny!" without any sort of medical intervention being involved!)...anyway, I need to get that last run started.

The thing is, I *know* better. My best friend is a naturopathic doctor, for heaven's sake! She has tried for years to get me on the right track (not to mention, to save my life) and I've fought her every step of the way. Whining at the top of my lungs..."It's too "hard" to eat healthy and organic and natural. I don't "like" to exercise. Yes, I "know" I have no business eating meat or any other animal products with my history of colitis, and family history of colon cancer." I can lecture other people until the cows come home about the bad effects of dairy on your body! (pun intended) So it's not like I'm stupid, or clueless, and have gotten to this point in life by accident. My body is what it is because of my own negligence. Period. I got nobody to blame but me.

So I figured accountability is a good place to start. I don't know if anyone will ever read this, so I'm not sure who I'm being accountable to or what I'm really even accounting for. Am I going to post what I eat every day? Maybe. That should be good for a laugh. Am I going to post how lazy I am and how much time I log being hortizontal rather than vertical? Possibly.

I'm just starting slowly at the exercise thing. If I type enough, I should have really skinny fingers, right?