Julie takes a look back at 2010

~ What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?  Finally changed my way of thinking.  Started believing in myself, and creating the life that I had always wanted to have but somehow never did.

~ Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I resolve to stop making resolutions. I suck at them. They last about 20 minutes into the New Year. This year, I figure if my resolution is to make no more resolutions, I'm good to go.

~ Did anyone close to you give birth? Like, physically close to me? No, I have not actually witnessed childbirth this year. My immediate family has not expanded, but I have nieces and nephews getting to that age where the thought is undoubtedly crossing their minds!

~ Did anyone close to you die?  Amazingly enough, no.  My Mom is still with us, and we never dreamed she would be,  They sent her home from the hospital in June with "two days to two weeks" to live.  It's been six months now and yet it's truly still just a day to day thing at this point.  She's more than ready to go.  I just wish God would listen to her prayers.

~ What countries did you spend time in this year? Um, I'm pretty sure I've been landlocked this year. My passport has nothing on it.  (That will change in March though!) Went to Vegas in May, and that was pretty much my only vacation this year.  Work kicked my ass and kept me too busy to take time off.

~ What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? A booming real estate business so that I can pay off bills, for helping Jordan with college, and adding stamps to my passport.  Continued growth with my "change your thoughts, change your life" as some days I still revert back to negative thinking out of habit.  And my love relationship getting better and better every single day.

~ What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?  Well, I re-met the love of my life in August, and in September my son went off to college.  Those were two pretty big events in my life this year.  Both life changing but in good ways.

~ What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Letting go of my past finally, and making room for true love to come into my life.  I wish it hadn't taken me so long, but everything happens when it's supposed to, and clearly this was the right time.  I walked away from that situation in May, and spent the summer learning to be happy with just me.  And then I started dating Michael August 7th.  And the rest is history!

~ What was your biggest failure?  I don't believe in failure.  Some things may not have worked out the way I planned or hoped, but some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

~ Did you suffer any serious injury or illness?   Nope.  Feeling good!

~ What was the best thing you bought?  An early plane ticket home from Vegas...it was the end of an error.  It was by far the best $400 I have ever spent in my life.

~ Whose behavior merited celebration?  My son, of course.  He's doing great at UC, maintaining his mega weight loss from last year, and just makes me proud every single day to be his Mom.

~ Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed? Who am I to judge?  My ex was always the source of appalling behavior for the past ten years, and earlier this year was no exception.  But in retrospect, I  am grateful that he is who he is, because he did me a favor by acting in ways that were so unacceptable to me that I had no choice but to move on.  And in doing so I fell madly in love with "the one that got away" 13 years ago.  So, for that I thank him.  And I wish him well.  Bwahahahahhahaha.

~ Where did most of your money go? Credit card bills. And Starbucks. I have an addition to iced caramel macchiatos, skinny, upside down. A big chunk went to getting my kid out the door and off to school, and now I pay child support to him.  LOL  It was cheaper to keep him at home!

~ What did you get really, really, really excited about?  I was very excited for Jordan to go off to school, only because I knew how excited he was about it.  I was afraid the empty nest might kill me, but turns out that it wasn't empty after all with my new man here all the time!

~ What do you wish you'd done more of?  Live in the moment.  I'm a worrier, always have been, but it was even worse this past ten years with my ex because I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and my life to explode around me again at his diabolical hands .  Once he was out of the picture, it took me a long time to just...relax.  Especially being in a new relationship.  Rather than constantly looking for land mines, I wish I'd just been able to trust right off the bat that he wasn't going to do the things my ex did.  It took me several months before I could exhale.  And now I trust again, I believe in love again, and I will get married again.  Six months ago I don't think I could have said anything of those things honestly.

~ What do you wish you'd done less of?  Working.  I mean, I need the paycheck, but I discovered this year that a lot of my "on call" status at work was simply due to me not having a life!  I made work my 24 hour a day job, and this fall when Jordan left for school and Michael and I were cementing our relationship, I lost all motivation to make my job anything but a 9-5 deal.  No more staying late, no more responding to emails on nights and weekends.  I've even stopped some of my textual relationships.  LOL  I have better things to do with my time now!

~ Did you fall in love in 2010?  Oh.  Yes.  I.  Did.  Madly, truly, deeply!  And I am thankful every day for it.  He's an amazing man, he makes me laugh and treats me like a queen.  He's everything I ever imagined my partner to be (which is why he was always my "one that got away" for the last 13 years) and I'm so grateful to have a second chance at happily ever after.  Long Live Turtle Power.  (It's a private joke.)

~ How many one-night stands? Duh, just one.  It's on the right side of my bed.  Oh wait, not that kind of night stand?  Then the answer is a proud "NONE".

~ Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?  I don't hate. That level of internal poison causes wrinkles that I can't afford to have! There are a couple of people that I am not overly fond of but karma will take care of them. Meanwhile, for me, living well is the best revenge!.

~ What was the best book you read? 'Infinite Possibilities:  The Art of Living Your Dreams' by Mike Dooley.  It's all about changing your thoughts and creating a new life for yourself.  I am living proof that it works.

~ What did you want and not get? Botox. And Restylane. Hey, I'm being honest. My face has fallen further than Obama in the polls.

~ What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Well I was 49 on my birthday in March, and I have no idea what I did!  But I can tell you where I'll be on March 22, 2011.  I'll be turning 50 on a cruise ship in the Caribbean!  Woohoooooooooooooooooo!

~ What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If I'd lost the rest of the weight I started losing in 2009.  I fell off the wagon, and haven't been able to get back on.

~ What political issue stirred you the most? Don't get me started. We are all entitled to our opinions, but I don't force mine down your throat and I'd really appreciate you not forcing yours down mine. Thank God for the delete button in emails.  For the record, I am a registered Democrat. I voted for Obama.  If you have a problem with him, discuss it with the rest of your Republican friends, and keep your conspiracy theories to yourself.  I didn't forward a bunch of shit about George Bush to everyone back in the day, so give me the same courtesy please.  Thanks.  In a related note, if God forbid Sarah Palin gets elected President, I will be relocating to another country.  But no worries, I won't email you about it.  You'll be getting enough from your friends wondering what kind of mess you've gotten yourselves into and how to get out of it!

~ Who did you miss?  I miss my sister all the time. So many things I want to share with her. I want her to see Jordan and be as proud as I am. Life is just not the same without her.  I also miss seeing my son every day!  We talk on Face Time (it's a Skype like thing on our iPhones) a couple of times a week when he's away at school, but when you've seen somebody every day for 19 years, going a few weeks without seeing them is tough.  Especially on a mom who's life has revolved around her kid for so long.  But I survived it, and even learned not to text him every night to make sure he was safely in his dorm room so that I could go to bed and actually sleep.  LOL

~ Who was the best new person you met?  OK he's not a "new" person, but after 13 years apart, and each of us being in long term...."unsuccessful" relationships (that's a nice way to put it!),  Michael and I are not the same people we were back when we dated before.  So meeting up again was in a way like meeting a new person, who just happened to be very familiar.  It was great not having to go through the awkward "getting to know you" phase of dating, though!

~ Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. Anger and bitterness ages you faster than anything. This year I have really let go of my past, forgiven those who wronged me, and started looking forward with excitement and anticipation.  My life has done a 180 this year, and while there have been a lot of changes in it, I can honestly say I have never been as happy as I am right now.

~ What sums up this year? (a word, a quote...?)  Joy.  Bliss.  Happiness.  At Last.

Happy New Year, readers! My wish for you all is that 2011 brings you the life you've dreamed of, and that you have a healthy and prosperous New Year!!! Thank you for the light you shine into my life and I hope that I bring something to yours as well.

Is it wrong to enjoy this?

Friend: So yeah, your ex supposedly has a new girlfriend.

Me: Yeah? Good for him. I hope he's happy.

Friend: He posted it on FB. I clicked on it, but all that's there is her picture, no other info. Just her with red lipstick and a pink shirt. Sorta looks like him in drag.

Me: Did she come with a pump and a patch kit???

Friend: Hahahahahahahahahahha....no, the good ones are filled with foam.

Then my BFF saw the picture and chimed in:

Poor thing, she looks so innocent. Like a little pink sweatered lamb being led to slaughter.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! That made me laugh out loud.

Wake me up when September ends.

So, it's September. Thought I'd better do an update before you guys think I fell off the face of the earth.

September is notoriously weird month for me. Usually just an emotionally crazy ten days thanks to....

Got married Sept 20, 2003
Dad died Sept 18, 2004
Got divorced Sept 28, 2005

This year we can add....

Jordan goes away to college Sept 16, 2010

Sigh.

Oh, and we're moving our offices this month, and I'm pretty much managing the whole thing, which is so time consuming and crazy I can't even tell you.

Oh, and I'm having a going away party for Jordan next Friday, the 10th. So I have to take a day off work just to clean house and prepare for it.

Big sigh.

So here is my burst of positivity....

All is perfect, everything will get done on time and as it should, and those milestone dates will come and go just like they do every year.

Mom isn't doing too good. We had her back at the ER on Monday. Honestly, I cannot believe she is still with us. She's down to 130 lbs from 165 a couple of months ago. She hardly eats, sleeps most of the time, and is becoming more confused. She has been fighting pneumonia for three weeks and of course, the continually recurring UTI. God bless her, she just isn't ready to go I guess. She says she is, and then the next day she talks about "when I get better..." so I think she's still got one foot in both worlds, you know? It breaks my heart to see her like this, but at the same time, I can't imagine a world without my Mom in it. I don't think I ever showed you guys this (although some might have seen it on Facebook). On her birthday August 20th, I videotaped her. Here's a little snippet.



And here's a picture of me and her from that day as well:

And this one makes me laugh out loud. You know she's thinking "Seriously, a party hat? Oh Christ, I guess I'll humor you." LOL

I really am afraid that I'm going to lose her this month as well. September seems to be that way for me.

But there is a bright spot in this....

I am happily dating. He's an old boyfriend from 13 and 12 years ago (yes, we dated twice two years in a row) so let's hope third time is a charm. LOL He's really a great guy, the polar opposite of who I've spent the past 10 years with. We've been moving slow this past month because I just wasn't ready to leap back in, but he convinced me otherwise last weekend. :::wink::: I'm really happy right now, and just enjoying the day to day of having someone in my life who brings such amazingly good things to it. It's good and it's easy and it's comfortable and the best part about dating someone you've dated before is that you don't have to go through the whole "getting to know you" process so there's no awkwardness or putting on pretenses etc. It's organic and fabulous! Happy sigh.

So there's your update from me. I'll probably be out of pocket quite a bit this month, because I'm not kidding when I say that work is kicking my ass. And, of course, I'm busy with That Guy Again on the weekends. Some things take priority and these days, blogging isn't one of them!!!

Tell me what's going on in your life?

I remember now why amusement park rides make me sick.

There is a reason why men are "ex's", and I'm rapidly remembering why "M" is on my short list of guys I don't want to date again.

Didn't talk to him Monday, and yesterday my son's key broke off in his ignition of his car, and "M" had just said over the weekend that if Jordan had any problems with his car to call him as he could more than likely fix it...so I called him. Got his machine, left a message, and said "Oh, by the way, we've narrowed dinner down to Saturday night for sure, but we can talk about that when you call me back". (As of Sunday, I still had not firmed up plans with E&M although we were shooting for a Saturday night date, with the second option being Sunday evening.)

Never heard a word last night. And I'm thinking...hmmmm...clearly you didn't work til midnight (can't really landscape in the dark) so why wouldn't you call me back? Immediate red flag starts flying...it's flaky behavior like that, that made me dump him after three years the first time around.

So this morning I called him on my way to work to wish him a Happy Divorce Day, and he says "Oh, did you get my email?"

No....what email?

"I emailed you Monday night. I'm going to have to cancel dinner on Saturday."

Hmmm....nope, didn't get the memo.

"Oh, well I didn't get a lot of work done Monday because it was too wet from all the rain and so now I have to work the Friday the 4th, and Saturday as well".

Oh. Alrighty then. Have a good day. Click.

What the hell else was I going to say?? Didn't you just tell me over the weekend how you are finally able to work less, relax more, etc? And now you're telling me that you can't landscape until maybe 6pm, go home and take a shower and go to dinner at 7:30? Seriously????? When we are trying to get a relationship off the ground and you can't work your schedule around it, and instead will cancel on me and embarrass me in front of my best friend and her fiance, because I have to tell them now that Mr. Hot & Cold is up to his old tricks again, and is as flaky as ever?? SERIOUSLY???

I'll bet if I hadn't held out on Sunday, he'd go. But since I am not willing to just jump back in to the middle of a relationship, he's not willing to wait around and give it time. So, contrary to what he's said to me, evidently he's not interested in marrying "me", he's just got a position (wife) that has come available that he's looking to fill as quickly as possible. And I'm not moving fast enough, I guess.

No worries though, at this point I'm on warp speed heading out the door, pal.

The Merry Go Round...and the Wii.

OK I did it.

Get your minds out of the gutter...I didn't do *that*. What I meant was I revisited the amusement park and hopped on the merry go round yesterday, just for a thrill.

Wow, that still doesn't sound right. Or maybe I'm just the one with the gutter mind!

Anyway...I went out to M's house yesterday for awhile. Just to hang out and talk. He's got 12 acres out in the country, and this past couple of years finally built a log cabin/house overlooking the pond. It's really beautiful. Although for the record, I don't know if I could ever live there because as I discovered yesterday, the bedrooms have NO CLOSETS. Yes, you read that right! No closets! Who builds a freaking house with no closets?????????? There are dressers...and in the basement by the washer and dryer there are clothes racks where all the hanging clothes go. His theory is that you take stuff out of the dryer, and hang it up right there. Um okay...except that I do laundry once a week...I get clothes out of my closet at least once a day!!!!!!!!!! I also realized there are no doors on the Master Bedroom. If you are in the Great Room, you can look in and see the bed. Which, if nobody else is there, I suppose that's not a problem. But what if the impressionable 9 year old stepson is staying over? I'm thinking you don't want to be flashing him the goods should he decide to walk out the front door for some reason and look to his immediate right! Anyway yeah, so no doors. Also, if you are in the bathroom, there is just a doorway wide open that goes into the bedroom next to the doorway (with a door) that goes out into the hall/kitchen! It's really kind of messed up!!!!

OK back to the subject at hand. The merry go round. Sorry, my ADD kicked in....focus, Julie, focus.

The house has a big wrap around porch that goes around the entire house so we sat outside for awhile, looking at the pond and talking about stuff. Old stuff, new stuff, potential future stuff. The rain had stopped and the sun was coming out and there was a great breeze and stuff. It was really nice. We went in the house so that I could observe the new ceiling fan he put in the day before, which is 20' or so up in the air (vaulted ceiling in the Great Room). I was impressed that he managed to do that all by himself, and I said "How did you carry all those parts up a 16' ladder, hold them and install all at once?" and he pulled the sleeve of his T-shirt up and flashed me a bicep, and I was like "Damn! Welcome to the Gun Show!" Dude has somehow in the last 7 years developed some serious arms! And if you know me at all, you know I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE good arms on a guy. Give me nice biceps and some great smelling cologne and I am your girl for life. "M" never had arms like that before, trust me I'd have noticed! He's a pretty skinny guy, side by side we look like the number 10. Who knew there were guns under that t-shirt??

Dammit Julie, focus.

OK so anyway, he grabbed us a couple of beers and we sat on the couch and talked some more. Oddly, I was getting really nervous and he was getting closer and closer, and it started making me uncomfortable! (When exactly did I become a prude?) It was almost like a first date and I could not relax! I'm not sure what that was all about...but to make a long story short, I really appreciate the fact that he seems to be able to jump back into what we had so quickly and that his feelings haven't changed in all this time, but for me, after 7 years, I'm basically starting from scratch. Sure, it would have been fun to have spent a lazy day in bed, or just curled up on the couch together or whatever, but I can't just jump back into the middle of a relationship like that.

My same feelings aren't there anymore. I still care about him, but I'm not in love with him now. That isn't to say that I won't ever be again...he's a really great guy...but at this particular moment, it's not there for me. It has to grow, just like it did the first time around. And frankly, I'm a little gun shy now, after what I went through with my marriage and divorce, I'm not in any big hurry to give my heart away again. I'm still trying to piece it back together! So I need to move slowly, and I explained that to him and he understood and was okay with it. At least I think he was okay with it! He said he was. I ended up only staying about 3 hours at his house, even though he wanted me to spend the entire day with him. I just needed to go home. I had a lot of conflicted feelings happening and I can even admit, I had that sort of "run for your life" feeling going on....it happened right after he said "I don't want to waste time...I'd get married again tomorrow if I knew it would work out", and all I could think was that I don't ever want to hurt him but I don't know that I want to even seriously date him again, let alone get married!

Plus, we got a Wii yesterday. And I really just wanted to get home and play it.

That's probably not a good sign is it? That I'm giving up an afternoon of romantic solitude with a great guy to go home and play Wii?

Sigh.

I'm a hot mess.

So the good news is that we did talk last night for about an hour and we are going to go out with Elizabeth and Mike this weekend on a double date....so I guess I'll see if anything sparks a feeling for me...or if this one is just going to have to remain as a fond memory of my past.

Oh, and as for the Wii? Everybody should have one. OMG, funnest thing I've done in ages. My arms hurt like hell today from bowling and tennis! Jordan and I sat in the living room until 10pm last night playing that damn thing. For the record, I suck at Mario Kart.

So hypothetically speaking....

If you date someone (let's call him M) for three years, and it never really gets off the ground because he has an ongoing, nasty custody battle over his son, and he works all the time, and while he evidently thinks he's going to marry you some day down the road, you have no idea of this at the time because his actions speak louder than his words, and his actions indicate that he doesn't have room for you in his life...and you see each other so little that by the time you finally give him the "I think we should see other people" speech, you are already living with another man... (true story!)....

And then you marry that other man, and M rebounds with another woman and marries her 4 days after he finds out you are engaged....

And two years later you find out your husband is having an affair and you call M. to see how he is doing and turns out his marriage isn't doing well either....

And you separate from your husband, and he separates from his wife.

And you get divorced....but his divorce takes longer because they fight over property....

And another two years go by, and you still haven't moved on to dating anyone else after your divorce, and he isn't dating anyone during his divorce....

But you start talking more frequently, and even spend a little quality time together watching "It's a Wonderful Life" at Christmas....

And one night he tells you that you broke his heart when you ended things 6 years ago, because he always knew the two of you would get married, and you say you had no idea he felt that way back then because he didn't act as though he wanted to marry you, and he says you didn't act as though you wanted to get married to anyone, including him...and so you both decide right then to put it on the table and say "Yes, I want to get married".

And now his divorce is finally final July 2nd.

And he's ready to pick up where you two left off 7 years ago.

And his son has graduated from high school so there is no more ugly custody battle taking up his time.

And he's not working 7 days a week anymore.

And it seems as though maybe it's true what they say that timing is everything, and maybe the timing is right now....

And the emotional roller coaster might just be a sweet calm merry-go-round now....

Would you say yes to taking another ride?