Someone is having a birthday today....

This is Amanda. She swings from strange balls.



And she sits in things much too big for her.



And she's getting married next June, and she will be such a beautiful bride:



And we have very interesting discussions. For example:

We were having computer issues due to a virus our boss downloaded, and our internet went down so we went out to the parking lot to unwind and smoke, and the conversation went like this:

"Computer Guy says the internet issue is a result of the virus” – Julie, being informative.

“It’s a backdoor Trojan…” – Amanda, in a very sinister voice.

“What??? OMG, how do you even know that phrase??” – Julie

“I saw it in a movie once” – Amanda

Serious laughter ensues to the point of crying and snorting….then….

“Oh my God!!! Somebody hit my car!!!! – Amanda

“What???? OH MY GOD!!!” – Julie, seeing the huge hole Amanda is referring to in the side of the car.

…Dramatic pause while we access the situation in horror….

“Oh wait, that’s not my car” – Amanda.

“LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL…oh my God….LOLOLOLOLOLOL…we’ve finally lost it!!!!” - Julie

But she's my friend and I love her. Even if I am old enough to be her mother, and she *is* half my size. Skinny bitch. Eat a cookie.



Happy 28th, Manda Panda. My little girl is growing up.

What do you mean, I'm a grown up?

I'm only 48!

Oh wait, I guess that is considered "grown up" now isn't it? Sigh.

Actually, the day I knew I was not just an adult, but a middle aged one, was when I realized I no longer ask potential dates if they have children...I ask them if they have grandchildren.

So anyway, now that I have an 18 year old living at home, I thought I would give him some tips for identifying when HE is a grown up. (Note, that should include paying his own cell phone bill...but I didn't list it here.)

So here you go, buddy. One day these are all gonna apply to you.

Your potted plants are alive... and you can't smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

You carry an umbrella because you watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

Jeans and a clean T-shirt no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'

You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door refuse to turn down the music.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time McDonald's closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating chicken nuggets and fries at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

You go to the drug store for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

A $5.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Enjoy being young and irreresponsible while it lasts! And don't forget, I've taken care of you for 18 years. You're gonna owe me one day when I'm old, and I have to move in with you, and you get to cook and clean for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait, why do you have nursing homes on speed dial?

Games for when we are older and other fun things

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says - something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Things to Ponder:

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

But Most Of All, Remember!

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

I busted out my inner Interior Designer...for my exterior.

We had a fabulous weekend here in Ohio. Mid 80's and sun. Two things that never happen in April! So I had a chance to get some outside work done.

Jordan graduates June 6th, so I have a graduation party to throw and trust me, it's coming up too soon. And I can't sugarcoat this any way at all...but I can sum it up in six words:

My. House. Isn't. Even. Remotely. Ready.

Translation...I have to keep ripping down the "Condemmed" sign the city continues to tack on the front door.

So the past few weekends I've been working on things, and this weekend being so beautiful outside, I decided to tackle the patio.

It fought back.

Seriously. For every leaf I swept up, three of his buddies flew in from somewhere and landed at my feet, taunting me. It was nuts. (Note to self: Next time, don't try to rake leaves on the windiest day of the month.)

Eventually I got everybody under control, and all those freaking leaves that blow from my neighbors 50 year old big ass maple tree onto my patio are finally bagged up.

Yeah yeah yeah, if I did this in the fall when it was cool I wouldn't be sweatin' to the oldies in 85 degree sun. Duly noted.

So anyway....I was all kinds of proud of myself for getting it done. Spent about four hours on Saturday, and another couple today.

But TODAY...Kohl's was having a huge sale! And it just so happened that my old patio umbrella did not fare well over the winter (OK yeah, in addition to being too lazy to get rid of the leaves in the fall, I forgot to take the umbrella down as well. I suck as a landscaper.)

So check it out....

Here's the new umbrella:



And the tableware:



And I even bought pillows for the rockers and a new little mosaic tile table! My boss would be so proud of me for buying "coordinating" pillows, not ones that match the umbrella!



In addition to the wine glasses, I got another set of six high ball glasses which are clear acrylic with the blue color at the top and little bubbles in the blue part. Plus I got the matching tablecloth that goes with the umbrella.

And yes...all of that...the umbrella, pillows, 12 glasses, table cloth, blue wicker plate holder thingies, coasters, and the tile table....out the door for $100 and change.

Sweet! LOVE Kohl's when they have a good sale!!!! Of course there were all kinds of cutesy little coordinating dishes and plates and serving things I wanted to buy as well but I restrained and didn't go overboard.

So, who wants to come over for drinks on the patio?

Just bring your rake. There are escapee leaves out front.

Sunday Rewind - "Good Advice"

It's my blogging day off and I intend to spend the day enjoying the 85 degree weather in balmy Ohio! So here's a rewind from July 21, 2008. I thought it was good advice then, and I still think so. (Penny, did you write this? Because as I read it again, I hear your voice!!!!)

Good Advice

I thought this was important enough for it's own blog!

I Love This Advice !!

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink plenty of water. Eat blueberries, carrots, broccoli, red beans and almonds.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. In stead invest your energy in the positive present moment and what you desire, not what you don’t desire in life.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Remind yourself that minus your opinion, everything is perfect.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in control of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything. That means understanding that you cannot change what happened.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals absolutely everything.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

Check it out, 24 things and I wasn't malicious or mean spirited in any of them. ROFLMAO! Happy Sunday, friends!

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Two things I've never been called in my life....until now.

1. Malicious

2. Mean Spirited

Hmmmm....I guess it's good that I've made it 48 years without being referred to in that manner, right? Until now...

I was going to write a detailed background here as to what lead up to me being referred to as this, but the truth is that it's really not important. The bottom line is, I met someone, we went out, we talked daily, he breaks a date, goes out of town and I never hear from him again. Eventually I emailed him a "Did you get lost on your way home from your weekend, or are you just bored with me already?" and his response was "Neither".

That was it. "Neither". Not "Sorry I've been out of touch" or "You're really not my kind of girl" or "I broke both hands jacking off and couldn't type for a week". (Which frankly would be quite a turn on for me! LOL)

It is just me, or wouldn't some sort of more-than-one-word response been appropriate here? Granted, he doesn't owe me an explanation at all, but to me, common courtesy dictates that if you're speaking with someone on a daily basis, and then do an abrupt fade, when asked about it you should man up and say why you bailed.

So after another week of silence I politely say "Listen, I thought we had a good connection, so if you'd like to tell me what happened that caused you to turn and run, I'd love to hear it. I haven't dated in eight years, so I'll take all the feedback I can get. And if not, that's okay too."

And the rest of the conversation goes like this:

Him: I have a lot of things to say . . . some you may find useful, some may piss you off . . . I think you have a lot of unresolved anger.

Me: Unresolved anger? LOL. Elaborate please! When have I exhibited anger of any sort towards you?

Him: LOL . . . not towards me personally, but men in general . . . because of whatever your ex did to you. It's all in your blog. You should read it sometime. Your initial "therapy" in writing it (a psychologist might have been a better idea) has now turned into something bordering on maliciousness and mean-spiritedness . . . I wish I had it in front of me to make references, but this laptop is not hooked up to a printer.

Me: Well I'm sorry you interpret it that way now. Two weeks ago you thought it was fun and entertaining! So I will continue to operate under the assumption that my 35,000 blog hits indicate that your opinion of me being mean spirited and malicious is yours alone. Take care.

Now, I happily go down on record as saying I Am Not Perfect. Never have been, never will be. And sure as hell don't pretend like I am! But one thing I know for sure, is that I have never, ever intentionally hurt anyone's feelings. I am not the kind of person who gets her kicks out of being a raving bitch.

That's not to say I can't "be" a raving bitch. LOL...but it's just not my general, day to day nature!

So I was a bit surprised by this assessment of me. Especially as it refers to my blog. And even more so because two weeks ago this same person read my blog, and called me to say he thinks it's fabulous, I'm funny and talented and smart and he thinks that I am doing an amazing job with it.

And now I'm malicious and mean spirited.

Is anyone else as confused by that as I am? *Am* I that way on here? Do I come across to you guys as this kind of person? I realize most of you don't know me, however a good chunk of my readers are people who know me in real life. And I'm hard pressed to find one of them who would describe me in this manner.

So tell me your thoughts on this. Do you agree with what he said? Do I have unresolved anger issues, and should have consulted a psychologist rather than engage in blog therapy? Or do you think that perhaps he should have taken the time to get to know me without trying so hard to sleep with me instead and learned who the woman behind the blog really is?

Thousand Words Thursday

A Lot Of Wine + Techno Music at the Showhouse Party = Dance Fever.



Somehow, it's so much more embarrassing sober.

So that's what Dorothy was really thinking!

I firmly believe this is the true ending to The Wizard of Oz. Or at least, it should have been....



Dorothy with PMS. Hilarious!

The Husband Store - Anyone got a coupon?

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose her life partner. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store...

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer...

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Gee, no wonder my marriage only lasted 2 years. I got off on the first floor.

So....the Sexy Blogger Award.

OK so I was given the Sexy Blogger award by my faux lesbian lover blogging buddy Deb, perhaps out of fear of relatiation of what might happen if she didn't bestow it on me, or because my blog happens to be at the top of her reading list only because it starts with a number.

Regardless of why I got it, the fact remains I can officially be known as Julie the SB, which in this case now means Sexy Blogger, not Skanky Bitch.

So, like every damn award, this one has rules. What's with the rules, people? Do you think when you get an Oscar, you have to immediately tell everybody what your ten favorite movies of all time are????? Blog Awards should have no strings attached. It's a gift. It's not herpes, it does not have to keep on giving!

Ooops, sorry...off on a tangent there.

Anyway...the rules for this award are that I have to post Five Sexy Things About Me.

For the love of all that is holy, do you people think if I had 5 sexy things about me, I'd have all this free time to blog???????????????? If I were that hot I'd be livin horizontal with something equally sexy holding me down!

Five things. Crap.

OK, here goes. I'll come up with five things even if I have to make shit up.

#1. My eyes. See picture below. I've been told many times that I have sexy eyes. In fact a reader recently emailed me after my Getting Naked again post and said "For God's sake, don't worry about getting naked again. I haven't seen a full length photo of you but you have such a beautiful face (Oh my God, those gorgeous eyes!) and a kind heart. If I were single, I would be more than happy with that." Dammit, why can't a non-married guy email that sentiment to me??



#2. My cheekbones. See picture above. When I'm not overweight undertall, they look pretty damn good.

#3. My eyelashes. Long and fake looking. Stiletto Mascara by Maybelline (or somebody, I don't really know who and don't feel like taking the time to figure it out right now) really makes them bat worthy.

#4. (OK sitting here staring at the screen and wondering what the hell I can come up with now!) How about my sparkling personality? Now that I'm starting to feel normal again and get back to the fun loving girl I was pre-marriage, I'm much happier, and The Real Julie is beginning to re-emerge. My close friends and family have missed "me" ths past eight years, or so they say. So, I guess this would be something that makes me sexy...I feel good again. I'm enjoying life again. I've got my confidence back and my energy back and have remembered that I really do have a lot to offer. In the immortal words of Karen Walker....Gosh, I don't think that I've ever been stressed out. Why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze and I've got a KILLER rack. Good morning!

#5. Frankly, I've got nothing for #5 that I can actually put in print. Remember, my family and especially my son read my blog. So let's just say, #5 is a talent that is award winning in itself.

Okay, so there's my five sexy things about me! Now, I'm not sure if I have to give this award away, or if I can just hog it all to myself, but because I'm such a suck up giver, I'm going to pass it on.

Don't anybody get your panties in a wad if you aren't on this list. For the love of God, I can't list everyone!!!!! I only have so much time in a day!

Here we go...my nominations for Sexy Blogger are:

Fragrant Liar - She kills me with her humor (which is one of the sexiest traits in anyone). Every single day. I am never going to be over the Exercise Ball thing.

The Butler and Bagman Chronicles - It's a well known fact that I am in love with Bagman. Unfortunately, his alter ego Mark is happily married, otherwise I'd be hauling my ass south and turning into Paula Deen.

Diaries of a Jaded Heart - my buddy Jaded has been through some rough times this past couple of years, but aside from that, she's one of the hottest, sexiest mamas out there. When she dresses up for a night on the town...watch out.

Accidental Single Girl - Danica knows where I live. If I don't give her this award she will pout, stomp her foot, and whine. And then come after me. I'm afraid of her 5'2", 100 lb self. She's a spitfire! But I love her like a sister...

Travel Girl - My boo. LOL We're gonna have so much fun in Vegas.

Vegas Linda Lou - Seriously, we have a separated-at-birth thing going on. I love her with a passion usually reserved for all things chocolate.

Cuz I Said So, That's Why - Missy stepped right up and offered to send me handcuffs. The fact that she had them so readily available turned me on. Imagine what it did to my male readers!

Life Is Good - Seriously, have you seen Dana with her sex toys?

OK I have to stop listing people now. I could go on and on, and now I feel bad that I'm not listing everyone.

So if you are reading this blog, take the damn award. No, really. It's yours. You're all sexy in your own way, and I just can't list everyone. So please, post it on your blog, leave me a comment about it, and let's see what the Five Sexiest Things about my 160 readers are.

(Shit! When did I get 160 readers????)

I'm bringin sexy back....

For your viewing pleasure....

Some scenes from Saturday.

First, I whacked my hair off. Rumor has it I look younger with shorter hair. So 6" gone should equal at least 6 years right? I'm 42 now.



Then it was Prom Night.

Here's my boy and his girl. Aren't they the Cutest Couple Ever? Her dress was so gorgeous, pictures don't do it justice.






Awwwww. I think they like each other.



Me, Steph, Jordan and Greg (Jordan's Dad)



Everybody thinks Jordan looks just like his Dad. I think there is a definite resemblence but come on, he's got at least a little of me in him too right?



Jordan and his brother Wes. Wes looks more like his mom now, I think.



Oh wait, there's the family resemblence. Guess they all do look alike!



Last night was the opening of Decorator's Showhouse. It's a museum fundraising event that the Women's Board puts on every two years and interior designers in our city each do a room. My boss, unconventional as he is, chooses to take raw space and transform it, rather than work with the confines of an existing room. So this was the mechanical room in the basement. It's now called The Vault and it's a wine cellar!





And just so you know I really did need the handcuffs for this, here's pictures to prove it! So no, I do not have some poor man cuffed to my bed. (I wish!) Thank you again to my friend Lt. B. and his lovely wife for letting me borrow their sex toy his work tools.




By the way, I've been asked *why* handcuffs in a wine cellar? This room is called The Vault, and the idea for it came when my boss, and his two friends who are an architect and a builder, sat down drinking a bottle of wine aptly named The Prisoner. So the handcuffs are a nod to the wine that started the whole concept for the wine cellar.

The Showhouse preview party was last night, and after drinking a lot of wine (hey, we made the wine room, you gotta work it!) we ventured out for a late dinner, and I didn't get home until 2am. Late night for this 48 42 year old.

I feel a laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy Sunday coming on.

Coming tomorrow....The Sexy Blogger Award

That's right. Look what I got....find out from whom, and who gets it next...tomorrow.

Oooh goodie, a new Bachelor for your viewing pleasure!

(Yes, his picture was sideways in his email)

My butiful Julie

I have ben hurt in the past but I am ready to love like I've never been hurt before...To tell you more about myself...I am very intelligent, energetic, loyal, respectful, positive, optimistic, romantical, caring, sensitive, compassionate, easy going, appreciative, monogamous, friendly, sincere, understanding, monogamous, straightforward, flexible, adaptable, hardworking, monogamous and easy to please...Friends have told me that I am extremely loyal, approachable, honest, and laid back. I don't take myself too seriously since life is too short....Importantly, I have a good sense of humor and like to hard laugh. On rainy days I like watching old movie with some popcorns with that someone special.I like watching romantic films,reading ,walking on the beach, Intellectual conversations,Holding hands with a woman and having a nice day.am ready to relocate to rigth woman.

love Babatunde Williams

How can I pass up a guy who thinks I'm BUTiful? And who is willing to relocate from God knows where just to be with me? And he's clearly monogamous and romantical?

Unfortunately, I think he's too pretty for me, and I'm going to have to pass.

I just don't get it. And I'm pretty sure I don't want to.

I will never understand men.

I haven't in the past 48 years. And I don't expect to in the next 48.

I don't think it's genetically possible.

I truly believe that when they separate us in 5th grade and take the boys in one room and put the girls in the other to teach us about periods and stuff, they tell the boys how to drive women insane. And NOT in a sexual way.

One of the things that annoys the living shit right out of me bothers me about men is their lack of communication skills, especially when they use it as a way to play games with women.

Grow up, fellas. This isn't junior high.

It is not that difficult to carry on a conversation. It definitely should not be that tough to answer polite questions from somebody you are either intimate with, or wanting to be intimate with.

Guys, listen up. Conversation is like a tennis game. I hit the ball to you, you hit it back to me. Occasionally the ball drops and somebody has to pick it up and lob it over the net again. But for the most part, it's back and forth. Give and take. I talk, you talk.

This is what conversation is NOT: I ask, you answer the question and that's it. Then dead air. I lob another one your way. You answer again. I get nothing in return. No further action on the court.

I'm not fucking playing proverbial tennis with myself here, pal.

This is not rocket science. You ask, I answer with witty repartee and a question of my own. Then you laugh, respond accordingly, show some interest by asking something about me, and then it's my turn again.

It's a conversation between two people who are getting acquainted. Not a goddamn job interview. Nothing annoys me more than to have to drag conversation out of somebody. Yes I'm interested in getting to know you. But part of this process is you getting to know me too.

Once in awhile you get lucky, and you meet someone who can carry on a conversation. It's refreshing, and kind of a turn on to actually have someone engaging me in witty banter. Asking questions about me, telling me about himself, having a good time getting to know each other.

Until he becomes Mr. One Word.

Let the record show, Your Honor, that I divorced Mr. One Word.

I HAVE ZERO DESIRE TO DATE ANOTHER ONE LIKE HIM.

My ex was not the best communicator in the world in general. (I'm being nice here) In fact, he sucked at it. He knows this about himself so it's not like I'm telling family secrets here. But what was really annoying about him, especially this past three years since our divorce, was the one word response shit, which was his way of punishing me, usually for busting him out on bad behaviors. So for weeks, he would respond this way, knowing he was technically answering the question yet not really giving me the information I was asking for, thus causing me to probe further...only so he could then accuse me of interrogating him!

Julie: Hey, whatcha doin?

Ex: Nothing.

Julie: Oh...are you at home?

Ex: No.

Julie: Oh. Where are you?

Ex: Driving.

Julie: Yeah? Where are you going?

Ex: Easton

Julie: Oh, what are you going to Easton for?

Ex: Nothing

Julie: Ok, so you are driving to the biggest shopping mecca in Columbus to do nothing?

Ex: Why are you interrogating me? See this is why I'm single.

(No, you are single for many reasons other than this, pal)

Why can't this be a normal conversation, you know, like I'd have with a woman....

Julie: Hey! Whatcha doin?

Friend: I'm on my way to Easton. Just felt like walking around since it's so nice out. What are you doing?"

Seriously, WHY is this so difficult?

So anyway, I thought it was case specific....that being just my ex and his "I'm punishing you by speaking in one word responses because I know how much it pisses you off".

So what happens today?

I discover that it's not just HIM. Evidently, another guy that I was enjoying getting to know, has officially enrolled in the VP School of Answering Questions with One Word Only.

Do I just attract this species or what? Is there a sign on a bathroom wall somewhere that says "The fastest way to piss Julie off is to give a one word response to her when you both know she deserves a better answer than that".

No no no no no. I'm not playing this bullshit game with yet another man. Sorry.

But, just so you know that two can play...here's my one word response to him:

Ciao.

Thursday Weigh In *Updated*

According to Wii Fit....

Drumroll please.....

I have lost 4.9 lbs this week! Woohoooooooooo!

I'm off to find myself a little tracker thingy to put on my blog.

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Found a tracker to use temporarily. It's at the very bottom of my blog. Damn thing is too wide to fit on the side, so I'll keep looking.

Also, I just got an email from the Universe. LOL I get one every day, and they are good reminders of how I need to focus on the positive, not the negative, to ask for what I want and live as though I already have it. This one I got a kick out of because just the other day I posted that I got a "do over" via divorce court....

Oh yeah, Julie, I forgot to tell you...

You get as many "do-overs" as you like. Of course, you never know you're living a "do-over" until it's over.

There are lots of reasons for wanting a "do-over." Most of all, people want another chance to do things they were afraid to do the first time, and to say things they were afraid to say. Oddly enough, it's not their mistakes they want to rework, but their "unused" minutes.

Yeah, pretty nifty, but you should know that it isn't any easier the next time, and because no two ever go exactly the same, the gifts, opportunities, and loves of one, never appear the same way again. Never.

So all in all, it's better to live as if there are no "do-overs," so that you won't need one. But I thought I'd share this with you anyway, to work in the bits about fear, mistakes, and how precious today's opportunities really and truly are.

Crafty as a fox,
The Universe

Wordless Wednesday....wait, does that mean I can't talk?

I feel compelled to explain these....but I won't.

Oh crap, it's me in two years.

If I were 50 and Barbie looking, that is. Where's Fat Midge when you need her?

Getting Naked Again

A couple of months ago, I was approached by a publishing house with an offer to review a new book called 'Getting Naked Again', Dating, Romance, Sex and Love When You've Been Divorced, Widowed, Dumped or Distracted, by Judith Sills, PhD.

The book has, frankly, been sitting by my computer for awhile now. It's not that I'm uninterested in the topic, but more that I haven't had any reason to wonder about the procedure!

Things have changed.

Now that I've taken that dive back into the dating pool, and actually gone out on a date (with the possibility of more to come), I realize that at some point, I'm going to get naked again.

So now might be a good time to read the How To manual!

One of the first paragraphs I read said:

All of us who are single - whether widowed or divorced, dumped or thankfully detached, or just newly resurfaced after the distractions of motherhood, career, or both - stand at the same anxious precipice. Must I, will I get back into the game of courtship? Would I want to? Can I bear its rigors? Is it worth it? Am I still a contender? Can I do it any better this time? Or at all? And since it definitely requires two to play, where do I go to find someone with whom to get up a game?

This is really a scary place to be at 48 years old. Dating was hard in my 20's. I was madly in love with a Marine from Iowa who I fully intended to spend the rest of my life with (Hey Dean, are you still reading my blog? See, you said I never mention you, so I did!) but that didn't work out the way it was supposed to. I dated after that, but nobody came along that really rocked my world.

My 30's were spent mostly concentrating on raising my son, and I didn't date a lot. I had a man in my life and he kept me busy with T-ball, soccer, the Power Rangers, and a whole host of pre-teen boy activities. Being a single mom, I knew that it was going to take somebody really special to integrate into our lives, and I wasn't sure if that person would ever come along.

When my son was 12, I did get married, thinking I had found that person, and it was going to be a good thing for both of us. In theory I was right. In practice...not so much.

When he was 15, I requested a do over via divorce court.

Now he's 18, and is building a life of his own. And I'm finally starting to rebuild mine.

So yeah, getting naked again. The thought scares the living shit out of me.

I haven't been with somebody new in that manner in eight years, since I started dating my ex. Good heavens, it's hard enough to just go out on a date, and start that whole "getting to know you" process. I can't imagine the sheer terror involved in exposing myself (literally) to a new man! I'm already thinking of what needs to happen before then....

~ I need to go tanning. A lot. If you can't hide chubby puffy cellulite, at least turn it brown and hope it fades in the dark.

~ I need to lose 50 lbs. In the next month or so. I mean, let's face it...I'm not in any hurry to jump in the sack but I'm not gonna wait months either! Life is short! Weight Watchers and the gym...here I come.

~ I have to go back to shaving my legs regularly, and not just weed whack them as the seasons change. Sigh. You married women know exactly what I'm talking about. Add razors to the shopping list.

~ Botox. Something has to stop this face from either puddling behind me when I'm laying on my back, or falling forward from the top position. In lieu of injecting crap into my face, a really tight ponytail will work I guess.

~ Lingerie. Does Lane Giant make this stuff? Are thongs still in? Are those cute little numbers with the garters still popular? Does anybody have a French Maid costume in a size 18?

Look at that list. And you wonder why I haven't dated since my divorce. It's too damn expensive and time consuming, and it makes women crazy! I know I should be more accepting of my body and stop worrying about what a new man will think. Chances are he's probably not going to look like Dwayne Johnson either right? (Dammit, you all know I love me some Rock!)

OK I'm off to read this book. I need to find out exactly how to get naked again without turning some poor guy to stone.

Sunday Rewind - Sunday Morning Sex

Taking the day off to do the Bunny Hop. Hope you all have a wonderful Easter!!!!

Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny: "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued:

"He'd still be alive today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along."