I haven't in the past 48 years. And I don't expect to in the next 48.
I don't think it's genetically possible.
I truly believe that when they separate us in 5th grade and take the boys in one room and put the girls in the other to teach us about periods and stuff, they tell the boys how to drive women insane. And NOT in a sexual way.
One of the things that
Grow up, fellas. This isn't junior high.
It is not that difficult to carry on a conversation. It definitely should not be that tough to answer polite questions from somebody you are either intimate with, or wanting to be intimate with.
Guys, listen up. Conversation is like a tennis game. I hit the ball to you, you hit it back to me. Occasionally the ball drops and somebody has to pick it up and lob it over the net again. But for the most part, it's back and forth. Give and take. I talk, you talk.
This is what conversation is NOT: I ask, you answer the question and that's it. Then dead air. I lob another one your way. You answer again. I get nothing in return. No further action on the court.
I'm not fucking playing proverbial tennis with myself here, pal.
This is not rocket science. You ask, I answer with witty repartee and a question of my own. Then you laugh, respond accordingly, show some interest by asking something about me, and then it's my turn again.
It's a conversation between two people who are getting acquainted. Not a goddamn job interview. Nothing annoys me more than to have to drag conversation out of somebody. Yes I'm interested in getting to know you. But part of this process is you getting to know me too.
Once in awhile you get lucky, and you meet someone who can carry on a conversation. It's refreshing, and kind of a turn on to actually have someone engaging me in witty banter. Asking questions about me, telling me about himself, having a good time getting to know each other.
Until he becomes Mr. One Word.
Let the record show, Your Honor, that I divorced Mr. One Word.
I HAVE ZERO DESIRE TO DATE ANOTHER ONE LIKE HIM.
My ex was not the best communicator in the world in general. (I'm being nice here) In fact, he sucked at it. He knows this about himself so it's not like I'm telling family secrets here. But what was really annoying about him, especially this past three years since our divorce, was the one word response shit, which was his way of punishing me, usually for busting him out on bad behaviors. So for weeks, he would respond this way, knowing he was technically answering the question yet not really giving me the information I was asking for, thus causing me to probe further...only so he could then accuse me of interrogating him!
Julie: Hey, whatcha doin?
Ex: Nothing.
Julie: Oh...are you at home?
Ex: No.
Julie: Oh. Where are you?
Ex: Driving.
Julie: Yeah? Where are you going?
Ex: Easton
Julie: Oh, what are you going to Easton for?
Ex: Nothing
Julie: Ok, so you are driving to the biggest shopping mecca in Columbus to do nothing?
Ex: Why are you interrogating me? See this is why I'm single.
(No, you are single for many reasons other than this, pal)
Why can't this be a normal conversation, you know, like I'd have with a woman....
Julie: Hey! Whatcha doin?
Friend: I'm on my way to Easton. Just felt like walking around since it's so nice out. What are you doing?"
Seriously, WHY is this so difficult?
So anyway, I thought it was case specific....that being just my ex and his "I'm punishing you by speaking in one word responses because I know how much it pisses you off".
So what happens today?
I discover that it's not just HIM. Evidently, another guy that I was enjoying getting to know, has officially enrolled in the VP School of Answering Questions with One Word Only.
Do I just attract this species or what? Is there a sign on a bathroom wall somewhere that says "The fastest way to piss Julie off is to give a one word response to her when you both know she deserves a better answer than that".
No no no no no. I'm not playing this bullshit game with yet another man. Sorry.
But, just so you know that two can play...here's my one word response to him:
Ciao.
42 comments:
it is infuriating! And you are right again, it isnt your Ex only. I am convinced out there are men which master something simple like a conversation. Just haven't met them yet.
Just recentlly I found your blog and enjoy reading along. Will be back soon. Have a fab weekend. Paula
Someday I will post my theory on why all men are dogs. Woof. Is that all you can say? Woof woof. That's okay, we don't understand women either. Maybe that's god's plan...if we all understood each other, what would be left to do? Woof woof woof, pant pant pant.
Julie...I believe B&B hit the nail on the head. I read somewhere that women have thousands of words to say in one day and men have about one hundred. It must be the way we are wired. I find it true when I share conversations with my children; my daughters tell me about their lives, the lives of their friends and neighbors, then there are my sons (who grew up with 3 chatty females, so they know for a fact females like to talk) and I get single word conversations. Trust me, this is NOT how they were raised. We sat together for dinner every night and talked about the day, talked about life. Every once in a while, I have a chat session with my sons and husband...I enjoy the moment. The rest of the time, I call a girlfriend.
Oh my..my comment is three times as long as B&B's! Imagine that!
~AM
I soooo hear and feel ya!! I also ditto B&B and Airman Mom.....it seems as though that's just "their" way and I don't get "their' way either. Men..can't live with em, can't shoot em. (well at least that's what the law says but hey.....I'm no lawyer right???)
You are darling and post the most thought provoking things.....
Steady On Julie :)
Reggie Girl
I think we may have been married to the same man - or all men are like that!
I find that I don't really miss having to drag a conversation out of someone!
Have a great weekend
your not alone..
me - what do you want for dinner
hubby - food
what kind of food?
the kind you eat!
how would you like your steak?
on the grill!
Pisses me off and he does this at restaraunts and such too
I could just smack him.. and I do!
Cher
Julie I am sorry that this has happened again. I don't really understand it because Eric doesn't do this. Just one more reason that I am lucky that I am married to him. Trust me he does other things that just irritate the shit out of me. But one word answers are not it.
Ask him about sports and you probably get a 30 min dissertation. Then respond in one word answers. While watching something other than him. Then scratch your crotch and suck your teeth with your arm flung on the back of the chair. That will show him.
I'm sorry to hear this Julie. Can I ask if it's the guy you went on the date with? Not that it matters, but it's confusing for sure.
There are men talkers out there. In fact, my DH is one of them. Not to the extent of a woman, but never a "one word" kind of guy. Actually that's my role in the relationship. I really don't like talking, and find myself liking it less and less with each passing year. It's just too much work.
Hang in there. Good ones are out there!
Somewhere in the last 25 years, I must have decided that that didn't matter much cause that's what I'm married to.
Then again, I think I've decided a lot of things dont matter much.God I'm pathetic.
HA~~~LW even talks more than that and we all know he's not a super huge talker. He is a changing though.
Sorry to hear this though.
And by the way, that email I sent to you know who, has never been responded too.
Woo! You go, Girl (I know, another dead 90s reference)! I love jill jill bo bill's suggestion...do it and report back to us immediately.
Like another commenter, I am very lucky that my husband doesn't do this. He's a bit like a woman in that way - he over-communicates. I'd like to take credit for training him on how to appropriately converse with me; however, I must confess that he was like that when I got him. He's in sales and has the gift of gab. This can also become a problem when he's at the bar and I want to leave.
Moral of the story: you take the good, you take the bad. You take them both and there you have the Facts of Life. And, there are guys out there who are not verbally passive-aggressive.
Okay, I'm going to play MOM here and believe me, I'm old enough to do so!
Men and women are wired differently, it's a scientific fact. If you want to spend time with a man who more than two tools in his toolbox and one of them is the ability to communicate, then don't spend time with the others.
In my opinion, it's as simple as that. Ergo, talk to a potential guy long enough to know if he can more than two words together and only spend your precious time with the men of your choice. It IS your choice, you see! And your time IS precious!
Julie, I am glad that so many of your commenter advised that many of us men are in fact a little on the chatty and open side. I read your post first thing this morning and it was during the middle of my post bemoaning the fact that there are few people around to communicate with.
I like this post, and thank you for giving me more thought to work with. I hope you don't mind me referencing your post in my post today.
warmest,
David
I truly believe men and women communicate differently. BUT I also believe you should hold out for a chatty man! They are out there and when you find one who can match you word for word it is magic!
Here's the thing. I'm a 48 year old woman. I'm at the age where I know what I want and what I refuse to settle for. And one thing is for sure, the passion and romance doesn't last forever and you'd better be able to talk or those older years are gonna be mighty quiet and long! So if I'm struggling for conversation NOW, I'm sure as hell not sticking around to be ignored for the next 40 years.
@ Reggie Girl...we *can* shoot them. We just have to make it look like an accident. LOL (I kid!)
@ Sue....my experience with men I'm meeting in general is that they are like this...can't play verbal tennis to save their lives. The other reference at the end is indeed directly at a particular person.
@ Dave...you're welcome to quote me anytime! It's just the BikeSmut.com guys who are not allowed. LOL
I have enjoyed your blog - and have never commented before but for the love of god - I attract the same men you do and it is freaking exhausting!!!! I know there are other men out there that you don't have to drag the information out....where are they???
grrr I know this all too well. I agree with you it must be how men are made. Mine has finally learned that talking wont kill him. So he does do it now and then. hehe I actually just seen a thing on tv about this and it was a man talking about it and he said that women need to realize that men arent talkers and the way they express them selves is NOT the same way women do. ok I can try to accept that but why does it seem that they have no problem talking to other men????? hmmmmmmmm
One of my very best friends- a guy, is a great conversationalist. He and I dated one summer about 25 years ago. We couldn't make the dating work, but we love to talk to each other. Since then, he and I both have complained about this. No one can talk to me like he can! Unfortunately, we just don't mesh romantically. I think we're too alike, but I do love to talk to him.
He's the only guy I've ever met that I can REALLY talk to like one of my girlfriends. I don't get it either.
@ Dena...Oh I get that men aren't talkers. But for the love of God, can't they do more than grunt? I mean seriously...a one word answer that tells me nothing and requires me to ask 75 more questions in an effort to find out what you could have told me with oh, 4 or 5 words right up front?????
I've made no secret of my annoyances are these potential dates who contact me, want to get to know me, and then ask ZERO questions about me. How is that getting to know me?
Oh wait, most of them want to get to know me naked. Silly me. No talking required right?
@ Mindy...can I get his number? LOL
Oh Julie girl you crack the ever living shit out of me. I am busting a gut here. I tell my husband, ex husband and every other guy I know that I could get more comveration out of my dog than I can them. Now on the other hand if you ask them about something their are interested in ie: sports, flying, their job, they can carry on for 45354 days straight without taking a breath. You definately don't need another one word idiot, so yes see ya is what you need to do. HUGS
AARRRGGHH! Cant bear that mono - word dialogue... hope the next one talks normally and you can have a good conversation. Its a good starting place!
Honey, honey, honey. If you find a man who communicates like a woman, he is a wanna be woman, ie gay. Men simply are not like us -- we are the gatherers, not the hunters. We are the reason civilization exists. We are the relationship builders and keepers. Women maintain language and the art of conversation. And men truly do have a "nothing box" in their brains where they go and think of nothing at all. Inconceivable to us, but a fact of life. Our brains are not wired the same, period. If you want things to be different, you are going to have to be a lesbian OR just enjoy your man relationships for what they are and enjoy your women relationships for what you need!
I think that some men are quite shy. It is embarrassing to have to reveal things about yourself— and so they keep it to themselves.
Being a conversationalist is hard work for anybody. I know that I value it and strive to be better at it all the time. But others may not understand its importance. Sometimes people feel that they are being quizzed and just answer quickly to not have to be too embarrassed. I have seen this behavior in both men and women— though most of the time it is the man who is the stereotypical clam.
And the two word response for your one word response? Good riddance!
If anything, can't he (whoever the "he" at that moment is) just say "I don't feel like talking right now"?
oh dear!
I am married to this man you just described!
I am proud of you for not wasting your time. That doesn't mean it doesn't suck that this guy didn't turn out to be a good one, but there are good ones out there so don't give up!
Arrrrrrrrrrgh.
hope the one-word comment conveys that no-talkin' men are freakin a.n.n.o.y.i.n.g!
I've in my third marriage. I'm fairly convinced that they're all basically like that. So there's no point in getting out there and looking around again for me. I just don't try to engage him anymore. I have a roof over my head and no job skills. So I'm staying put. Men are visual creatures. They see, they want. Women are the talkers. If you want to talk, dial up a woman.
Brenda
I couldn't agree with you more!! HELL yeah does it DRIVE ME INSANE! I can't stand the curt one word answers. My ex is a PRO at that crap too. ugh, just thinking about it right now rises my blood pressure I swear.
So glad I'm not alone!
learning from you and plan to stay on the sidelines and watch.
See, this is why some women swing to the other side:)
Wanna come swing;)
Men and women...oh so different..not sure if they just can't help it or if they are just so dang different from us. I'm pretty sure it's just that they ARE different in every single way from us...some are just better than others...just like some women are better than others..i don't know, Julie...if I did, I'd be RICH!!
Hang on and keep lookin'...someday, one will come along that will be crazy about you and your cute personality and...bam...there ya have it.
I think it depends on if a man was raised around his sisters. My ex didn't have any brothers so he lived with them talking about stuff that didn't interest him but they did it very good. Then, my Boo doesn't have sisters, three brothers and he isn't a major conversationalist. He does talk but when it comes to holding the type of conversation that you and I would, that's not going to come from him. In fact, I stopped expecting it and save it for when I'm talking to my girl friends. They can relate and carry a much better conversation.
By the way, the one guy that I really talked well with during the online dating era in my life, he turned out to be a dud in person. Good on the phone but judgemental and weird in person.
Hope you can find a guy that can at least ask and wait for your answers and then add to the conversation too.
The only thing is (and I'll shut up) is you don't want a man that carries a great conversation about only his mom. For instance:
You: The sky is beautiful.
Him: My mom would think so too.
You: The sandwich sounds delicious.
Him: My mom made a sandwich similar to this. She could cook so well. Did I ever tell you about the time my mom made......"
Maybe Vegas is it!!!! He's got to be out there!
OK, I'd like to accuse you of doing the Seinfeld thing and looking for little flaws in any person you might possibly like, but I think you've got me on this one. I can't stand that either. Just to make you feel a little better, here's one of my favorite conversations with my Ex at the high point of our "happy marriage".
Me: Hmm...it's almost dinnertime. What are you in the mood for?
Him: Why do I always have to decide. Just pick something.
Me: OK, I don't feel like cooking. Let's go out.
Him: Where?
Me: I'm craving Mexican, is that ok with you?
Him: I had Mexican for lunch, pick something else.
Me: OK, how about Chinese.
Him: I don't like the Chinese place down here and I don't want to drive across town to the good one.
Me: OK, that new Italian place is open and I heard it's good.
Him: I'm not in the mood for Italian.
Me: Steak?
Him: Too expensive. I'd rather wait till after I get paid so I can afford what I want.
Me: Applebee's? Chili's? Friday's?
Him: You know I hate those places.
Me: OK, we can just stay home. I'll go see what's in the freezer.
Him: If you want to go out, let's go out. Just tell me what you want!
Me: I've listed 15 options and you've shot down every one of them. What are you in the mood for?
Him: Why do I always have to decide. Can't you make a decision for yourself!
At which point I'd usually go in the kitchen, make myself a peanut butter sandwich, and lock myself in the bedroom for the evening. Ah the good ole days!
Never expect a man to behave like your girlfriends.
If he did you wouldn't want him anyway.
Good for you. See this is the advantage of coming at the dating thing from our more experienced perspective. We get it, we don't need it; we will wait for the right one to come along rather than take what's right in front of us.
And you are totally right on about the one-word responses designed to drag us into an argument so they can punish and accuse us of interrogations. Fuck 'em.
I am so glad I am not single anymore. When I was "in between marriages" dating was such a pain.
All of the silly games, not knowing who to trust, some being a wee bit possessive. Argh!
I don't know how you do it. You are a brave woman!!
Good for you...no need to put up with that crap anymore...
Yes you are so right. We are just so different. I am beginning to think we have to accept it. Does anyone have a man they can communicate with in the way they want or need? Thats why I liked reading Women are from Mars, Men are from Venus or whatever it was called. It made me feel better. We are different. Some more than others though.
ROFL - My husband is he polar opposite. Always trying to drag shit out of me! Usually, asking 10 million questions about something I DON'T want to talk about.
We do have some interesting conversations, but enough with the 20 questions.
I swear, somehow, your link dropped out of my reader and I could not find you. Excuse my month old comments, please.
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