Tuesday, December 27, 2011

How can this kid be 21 already?



I swear, it was just a couple of years ago he looked like this.

Sigh.

Time flies when you're having spawn.

To my son on his 21st birthday....know that you are loved beyond words, that your Mom is more proud of you than anything she has ever done in her life, and that my wish for you is to one day be 85 years old, surrounded by your wife and your children and your grandchildren (and maybe even some great grandkids), and know that this year, 2011, when you were 21....was the start of the most amazing years of your life.

I love you with all my heart. Happy birthday, bug.

Love, Mums.



Friday, December 23, 2011

It's that time again...the Office Xmas Party



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And, don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ....You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody????

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gift exchange is allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money, and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party (the days are so short this time of year), or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men; each gender will have their own table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food thus we suggest for those people with blood pressure problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics since the restaurant is unable to supply "no sugar" desserts.

Sorry!

Did I miss anything?

Patty

****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up ike Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? Please?????????

Also, the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail, sent to your home.

Patty

****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #*&^@*^Holiday Party

I have no#&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@ do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your @ #$^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now !HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

****************************************************
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Terri


Thursday, December 15, 2011

A Christmas Wish...Granted

I found this letter I wrote to Santa in 2008, and I am proud to say that he finally granted my wish last year. Santa Rocks!!!!

So write your letters, folks....eventually you'll get what you wish for!

12/2008

Dear Santa,

I know I haven't written for awhile, but I thought this was a good year for us to reconnect. We've had a bit of a tumultuous past, you and I, but as I've grown up and matured, I have come to realize that I shouldn't expect to find happiness with a guy who travels with reindeer and plays with elves.

So, I want to take this opportunity to tell you that I forgive you for that whole Barbie Dream House debacle of 1969. Even though I was very specific about what I was looking for....the beautiful pink 4' tall model, 12 rooms, a master bath jacuzzi big enough for Ken and Barbie, three car garage for the Barbie Dream Car, Ken's Jeep, and a guest spot...I know it was too big to fit under the tree but if you recall I asked that you please put it on the left side of the tree so that as I ran into the room on Christmas morning, it's the last thing I saw.

Santa, you sat right there in the mall, looked me in the eyes and said "Julie, your Christmas will be dreamy...ho ho ho". Dreamy = Dream House in my 8 year old eyes.

Imagine my surprise when, in lieu of a beautiful Barbie Dream House on Christmas morning, I woke to find some horrible Barbie head with hair that you pulled out of her skull so it "grew"! Oh, and then you applied neon blue eye shadow to her eyes and this sticky gross "lipstick" in a God awful shade of pink to her clearly collagened lips. Seriously? This was your idea of my Barbie dream????? For years I refused to wear my hair in a ponytail for fear somebody was going to pull on it and I'd end up with yellow plastic hair down to my ass.

I digress. The reason for this letter is that I'd like us to make amends with each other. Let's call a truce, shall we? Obviously I haven't asked for a lot this past 40 years. But this year, there is something I really, really want, and I think you and I can work together to make it happen.

What I'm looking for this year is a great guy. Let's face it, after my ex, my bar is set pretty low. He is NOT a hard act to follow. I have a list of the specific qualities I'm looking for in a romantic partner which I will forward to you later, however to summarize I'm just really asking for the important things...passion, honesty, integrity, a sense of humor, financial stability, romance, etc. He can be a good solid 5 in the looks department, because frankly I consider myself about a 6 on most days, and you know that women always want to be the pretty one in a relationship.

Please note...I have a 4' tree. Please, please, please...do not attempt to put him under it. I'm not looking to date a midget.

If you can find it in your heart to grant my Christmas wish this year, I promise I will forget all about the Barbie Dream House.

Love,
Julie

P.S. If you could make him well endowed, that would really sweeten the deal. Thanks!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

How can Christmas be 18 days away?

Seriously? It's less than 3 weeks til Christmas?

Sigh.




Monday, December 5, 2011

Nothing like a surprise wedding to shock the masses!

Just wanted to take a moment to congratulate my dear sister separated at birth friend Linda Lou on her surprise wedding last week, to the handsome and always entertaining Mike!

Congratulations on pulling off the surprise of the year! Michael and I wish you a lifetime of love, health and happiness together.

Love you guys!!!!!

Now, throw the fucking bouquet my way, will ya?

Friday, December 2, 2011

To All Who Survived.....


This was emailed to me recently, and I loved it.  I remember these days with a smile on my face, and more than a few scars from bicycle accidents, etc.  These were the good old days, and I wish my son had grown up this way...


To All Who Survived the 1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!

First, we survived
Being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank
While they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, 
tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep
On our tummies in baby cribs
Covered with bright colored
Lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, 
locks on doors or cabinets,
And, when we rode our bikes,
We had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads.

As infants and children, 
We would ride in cars with no car seats, 
no booster seats, no seat belts,
No air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes..

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day 
was always a special treat.

We drank water
From the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, 
from one bottle, 
and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes,
White bread, real butter, and bacon. 
We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar.
And we weren't overweight.
WHY?

Because we were
Always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, 
as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
-- And, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps
And then ride them down the hill,
Only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, 
we learned to solve the problem..

We did not have Play Stations, Nintendos and X-boxes. 
There were no video games,
No 150 channels on cable,
No video movies
Or DVDs,
No surround-sound or CDs,
No cell phones,
No personal computers,
No Internet and no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS
And we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth,
And there were no lawsuits from those accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, 
Switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand,
And no one would call child services to report abuse.

We ate worms, and mud pies made from dirt,
And the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, 
22 rifles for our 12th, 
rode horses,made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and
- although we were told it would happen - 
we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes
Or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell
Or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts
And not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to 
Deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out
If we broke the law was unheard of. 
They actually sided with the law!

These generations have
Produced some of the best risk-takers,
Problem solvers, and inventors ever.

The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion
 of innovation and new ideas..

We had freedom,
Failure, success and responsibility,
 and we learned how to deal with it all.

If YOU are one of those born
Between 1925-1970
CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others
Who have had the luck to grow up as kids 
Before the lawyers and the government 
Regulated so much of our lives 
For our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids, 
So they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house 
with scissors, doesn't it ?


Saturday, November 26, 2011

Love love love

The loves of my life.



That is what I'm thankful for.

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, November 21, 2011

What am I thankful for? I think you can guess....

So many things.

This kid of mine thriving adult who's about to turn 21 in a month:


This man that I am lucky to share my life with:


Note our fantastic new hair styles. You can't tell from the picture but mine is red again, and his is really short, which I've been nagging subtly suggesting he do for months....

I'm thankful that my family and friends, because I am blessed to have some damn good ones. This is our first round of holidays without my Mom here, and I miss her so much, but I'm lucky to have the rest of my circle to help fill the void.

I'm thankful that Michael and I are improving our health every day (even though I'd love to be able to improve it while eating meat and dairy, hahaha). I'm thankful that I have a job that I love (most days), that I have everything I need and anything else that comes along is just icing on my cake of life.

And I'm thankful that there are still a few of you die hards out there that still read my blog. I know I don't post very often, and I appreciate the fact that you still care enough to keep coming back when I do. Who knows, maybe one of these days I'll get back to blogging regularly again.

Here's wishing you all a fantastic Thanksgiving. Tell me...what are you thankful for this year?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I think this will be my next tattoo


‎"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

Yep. I think that's it.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Can we all agree.....

...to stop making people like this rich and famous by buying tabloids and watching TV shows on their lives??????? My God, this woman has done NOTHING and yet she makes $35 million a year, and all she is famous for is a sex tape, and now a short lived marriage that makes a mockery out of the institution. It's insanity, and it needs to stop.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I keep thinking....I should post *something*.....

....and yet I never do.

Blogging was so much easier a few years ago when I had nothing else going on in my life! LOL

These days, work keeps me very busy, and my evenings and weekends are spent with Michael and writing blogs is the last thing on my mind.

It was great therapy when I needed therapy...but now, I just never make time to do it.

Things are really pretty status quo with us right now. I waffle back and forth between thinking I want to get married again, versus "Why fix what ain't broken?". We don't live together, we still maintain two different homes, but he's over at my house every night, and all weekend....so in a lot of ways it feels like we're married. But then I also still have time to myself on those nights where he has to work late so he doesn't come over at all...and I gotta be honest, I enjoy those moments too. And if we moved in together, I wouldn't have that time to myself.

And sometimes, a girl just needs to be able to come home, put on some sweats, eat a bowl of cereal and read People magazine and watch bad reality TV. You know?

We've had to make some dietary & lifestyle changes recently due to some health concerns, so we are officially vegans for now. Sigh. (Dr. Penny...read no further...skip this next paragraph please!) Am I happy about it? Yeah, not so much. I miss meat. I miss cheese! LOL And holy shit, I miss caffeine. We've had to give up everything that was bad for us! I haven't had anything but water pass through my lips for three weeks. (Okay I lied, we went to a party last weekend and I had two cocktails. I can't give up EVERYTHING or you might as well just shoot me now!)

We've gotten used to the dietary changes, I guess. I'm learning to embrace beans and rice and salads and veggies and fruit. I'm getting creative and having to plan every meal and cook every night, and frankly between you and me it's a big fucking sacrifice to make for love. I just hope he appreciates it!

But of course the benefits of eating a clean diet help me too, and God knows I haven't taken care of myself in 50 years so ultimately I will be very happy about this, I have no doubt. Right now I'm still just kind of pissed off about it, LOL.

It would help if I'd lose some weight in the process. You'd think not eating meat and dairy would make you lose weight, right? Not me!!!!!!!!!! Michael is losing....not me!!!!!!!!!!!

OK change in thought...I'm feeling pretty negative today and that's no way to be. So better turn it around....

I'm happy! I'm healthy! I love beans and rice and potatoes! I don't miss my old life at all!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Let's see..what else is going on? Eh, I've got nothing. Today is one of those days that my middle finger is answering every question. :)

Maybe I do need to go back to blogging. It's a great place to vent!

I'll leave you with some pictures from the 70's themed party we went to this weekend....here's one of Michael and me:


...and then one of me and Danica :


This is me, Steph, and LW...Danica's husband!


And this is some of the girls....Stacy, me, Steph, Danica and Crystal.


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

No, we didn't get rich or married...

But we had a blast in Vegas anyway!

Here's a few little gems for your viewing pleasure.

How I missed my palm trees:


The start of many self portraits!


Michael and Budda:


We went to Paris:


The Faux Eiffel Tower:


In front of the water wall at Aria:


The view from our room at Aria:


The view from our room at M:


The pool at M. It was 104 and hot as hell!


Self explanatory. :)


Clouds over the mountains. It was so pretty, the picture does it no justice:


Dr. Penny and Ed arrive! I miss her so much, she's been my BFF for 30 years, and I haven't seen her in a year. I literally cried while hugging her.


Hot babes at the pool. This was a few drinks in. Haha We were drinking Tropical Dreams (some sort of massive rum concoction) in 32 oz. glasses. In the desert sun. Calculate for yourself how smashed these two ladies were by 4pm.


Me and honey:


On our way to dinner, it started to rain but there was a beautiful rainbow:


Four Bitchin Babes....Linda Lou, Dr. Penny, me and Darlene. Yes, Penny and I are still drunk. Why do you ask?


Michael at Hoover Dam He's Hot. :)


Us with the new bridge at Hoover:


Hot guy with rocks:


Michael after winning $1,000 on penny slots!


This picture cracks me up. He had just said something funny to her, and she burst out laughing right as I snapped their picture. It had to do with foreplay. Go figure.


No trip to Vegas is complete without a picture at this sign:


So there you have it, our Vegas pictorial. Michael did stand up with Linda Lou on Sunday night, which was a lot of fun. We had a great time on the trip, just didn't have enough time to see everything I wanted to show him.

Guess we'll have to go back again.....

Friday, September 16, 2011

Really? 6 Days Til Vegas?


(I use that picture a lot on my blog, don't I? For good reason...a lot of crap sneaks up on me and suddenly I'm like "Holy shit!". So it's appropriate.)

Yeah six days til Vegas. I kept thinking it was still a couple of weeks away. But no...this time next week I'll be waking up at Aria with my honey, and enjoying Day Two of our trip.

Lots of stuff going on in my life right now, none of which involves me directly but 100% affects me. Stressful, yes. Manageable, yes. Expensive...yes.

Sigh.

Oh yeah, and I have a bad wing.

About a month ago my right elbow started hurting. Some random shit that I wrote off to either bumping it and not realizing it (you know how you can whack your funny bone and it makes your whole arm hurt?) or maybe sleeping wrong or something. If you know me, you know I'm accident prone, and have had injuries such as popping my kneecap out of place while sleeping, or almost breaking my back bowling. Yeah, I'm that much of a wreck.

Anyway, so the elbow never got better, in fact kept getting worse, to the point it was shooting pains up into my shoulder and down into my wrist, and I was losing the ability to grip things.

This is not good. I drink coffee with my right hand, people

So I finally went to the doctor and he diagnosed a bad case of tennis elbow. This is where we insert a big ass WHAT THE FUCK??????? I've never played tennis in my life. I rarely play Wii tennis or anything else! The only repetitive movement I do with that arm is....using a mouse on the computer.

Any ideas how I'm not going to do that, long enough to allow this to heal??? Go ahead, I'll wait while you come up with suggestions.

Oh yeah and I can't take anti-inflammatories because they wreck my stomach. I am wearing a tennis elbow splint which is pretty much just a black band around my arm below the elbow that supposedly keeps the tendon in place and helps it heal. Doesn't seem to be doing much, frankly. I'd already been icing it regularly, and doing some stretching/physical therapy exercises I found online, but so far none of these tings are helping.

Then yesterday the doctor calls and says "Oh hey, yeah there's something showing up on your X-ray so you're gonna need to go see an orthopedist."

Sweet.

Not before Vegas I'm not.

So my bad arm that hurts like a mo-fo daily, combined with crap going on with my honey and my kid, and an abundance of stress at work....has me really, really, really needing this upcoming trip away.

Oh and before you ask....I don't *think* we're getting married in Vegas. Never say never, I guess. We could be walking by some chapel and decide to do it....but at this particular moment in time there are no plans.

If that changes, I have already promised my friends I would make sure it's at a place that has a webcam so ya'll can watch. Doesn't that just brighten your day? Hahhahahahahhaahhahahaha

Six more days til I see Linda Lou, Dr. Penny, and Darlene (Travel Girl). My honey and Linda Lou are gonna do an open mic stand up on Sunday night. How fun will that be?

I. Can't. Wait.

Let's just hope I don't have to use my right arm for anything.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Let The Good Times Roll

My baby went back to Cincinnati to school.

I'm an empty nester again.

Stay tuned for Season Two of "Geezer's Gone Wild".