Saturday ROCKED!

No Sunday Rewind today, kids! Gotta tell you about my day yesterday.

OK so first of all, there was a tattoo convention in town called Hell City. Tattoo artists from all over the country come here for it. My tattoo rock star is Hannah Aitchison. If you don't know her, she's on LA Ink and I adore her work. She's amazing. On my Bucket List is getting a tattoo from Hannah at some point in my life! She works out of LA and Chicago, and I tried to get an appointnment in Chicago but she's not accepting new clients right now.

So Jordan and Steph go to Hell City, and I knew Hannah was going to be there so I told Jordan to get as close as he could and snap a picture.

This is what he sent me:



Hello! He couldn't have gotten much closer, could he???? I literally screamed in the middle of Dollar General when I opened my email and saw that. (Note: I'm no longer allowed in Dollar General as evidently I scare customers.)

Needless to say I was green with envy, but it's all good....I have a picture of my baby and my tattoo goddess together. It will be framed. LOL

Then he comes home with this:



I. Am. Not. Worthy.

And the best part...he told her what a huge fan I am and that I wanted her to tattoo me in Chicago but that she wasn't taking new clients....and she said to call and make and appointment and tell them she said she'd do it!!!

Oh. My. God.

I'm on the floor over here.

Now I just have to save upwards of $1,000 for whatever I get, cuz my girl doesn't work cheap! But she's worth every dime.

So later in the evening, Jordan and Steph go back to Hell City, and I texted him and told him to try and find me a magnet nose ring. I've been wanting to get my nose pierced FOREVER, but never had the balls to do it. And, as I've gotten older, it seemed less and less likely I ever would. Oh, and this past 8 years with my ex, I knew for sure it wouldn't have happened as he'd have never allowed it! Plus I was afraid at my age it would look ridiculous, so I thought at least the magnetic ones would be something I could try, and see if I even liked the look on me.

Anyway, here's the text conversation:

Me: Seen any magnetic nose rings down there?

Jordan: Nope. Everyone here has real piercings. Steph says "Grow some balls and go get it done".

Me: OMG...LOL! Look anyway!

Jordan: Mom, they don't. I promise.

Me: OK

Jordan: Why don't you go get it done? We will go with you. We could go tonight!

Me: Ok let's go.

Jordan: Really?!?!?!

Me. Yep. Where can we go?

Jordan: Evolved. (He and Steph got their tongues pierced there)

Me: OK, come get me when you're done.

Five minutes later I get a phone call from Steph....'We are leaving the parking garage now and coming to get you'.

Oh shit. I'm committed now! There's no backing out! And then I thought...fuck it. Let's go balls to the wall and just DO IT.

Fifteen minutes later they show up.

I and my water bottle turned beer container get in the car and drive to Evolved with them! I needed some liquid courage as I was nervous as hell. Haven't had anything pierced in 30 years!!!!!!

Twenty minutes and $60 later...voila!



You can't tell from the picture but it's a diamond stud. It's small, which is what I wanted, and I LOVE IT! I'm so excited about it! I could not believe how little it hurt!!!! I thought for sure it was going to hurt like hell, but honestly it stung just a tad and for only a few seconds.

I'm so excited! First Hannah, then a nose piercing.

It was a great day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where is Mr. Clean when I need him?

So exactly one week from today, my son graduates from high school (Finally! Ever noticed how 18 years flies by and yet, seems to go soooooo slow when it comes to homework and grades?) and that evening I'm throwing him a graduation party.

As I look around my house, I am wondering how expensive is a maid, really?



Wait, how did that picture from my personal ad get in here? (I'm kidding, Baggy. Someone get him a glass of water.)

Seriously, I am not proud of the condition my house is in. We won't discuss the state of my living room carpet. I have two small dogs with even smaller bladders. You figure it out.

Schedule carpet cleaners...check.

I have to address the hole in my hallway where my son put his head through the wall 3 years ago (don't ask) and my ex patched it for me....2 1/2 years ago. It remains patched to this day.

Get sanding materials and paint....check.

Getting rid of the clutter isn't a huge issue...open drawers and closets, toss in. Check.

The bathroom. Ugh. There is a condemned sign on the door. I swear I think it violates some sort of city code. My bathroom has ceramic tile on the floors and walls. I think I'm just going to turn the hose on and spray.

Shop Vac....check.

Yard mess aka last year's leaves (yes, I did do this already, but there is a big pile by the fence that is the bane of my existence) that need removed.

Jordan's job. Check.

Once all this is done, I still have to actually PLAN the damn party. I pretty much know what I'm serving, Jordan's other parents are providing the beer, wine and other beverages, and I remembered to make myself a note to call Costco and order the cake. (Yummmmm...their cakes are fabu!)

I wish it were as easy as I'm making it sound here.

Mr. Clean...if you come and help me, I will handle your mop like nobody ever has before. I promise you, I'll make it worth your effort.

Meanwhile, in the event he doesn't show up, can I get some volunteers? C'mon. I have alcohol. We'll make a drinking game out of it. Every time I say "F*ck, I hate cleaning", we take a shot.

Who's in? Get your drinking legs on and get over here.

What happens in Vegas....

...really doesn't stay in Vegas. It's just being delayed here in Ohio!

Sorry, I don't mean to hold the my vacation recap hostage! I just can't seem to get it written! So much to say, so many pictures to share, and not enough time to get it done.

So I promise, promise, promise that I will finish it this weekend and have it up on Monday.

Meanwhile, I got this today from my friend Penny, and I thought it was worth sharing. Enjoy, and hang in there with me, our tour of Vegas is coming soon!

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, it looks like rain.' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get the baby toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord..

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process The other day, I stopped the car and bought a double dip. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home , I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to.....not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I posted this.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask 'How are you?', do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away..... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

To those who are reading this... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do.

'Life may not be the party we hoped for... But while we are here we might as well dance.'

Have a great weekend. Pack for Vegas on Monday.

Thousand Words Thursday

Sorry, my Vegas post isn't ready yet. So we're going with Thousand Word Thursday today, and hopefully I'll have time to get me trip blog done for Friday!!!!

So here you go...it is me or do you see a guy's face in the side of the mountain? It looks like George Washington. Maybe it's the white hair...



Wait, let's try a close up so you can see it better:



Kinda freaky, eh?

Hey, at least it's a *picture* from Vegas....

Honey, I'm home. Did you miss me?

That's right. I've left Las Vegas...and it's still intact.

I, however, am really really tired.

You see, after 4 nights in Vegas my body *finally* got adjusted to the three hour time change....right as I got back to Columbus last night.

My plane was an hour late as we had to sit on the tarmack in Vegas while waiting for Obama to arrive. Once Air Force One landed, and the President was on his way to wherever he was going, we finally took off. I got back home around 11:30 last night.

Needless to say, my body thought it was 8:30. Sigh. So sleep did not come easy.

I'm off to shower and try to wake my still sleeping brain up. I will have a full recap of the trip tomorrow.

For those who need a quick summary:

1. Linda and Dar are THE BEST. Love them.

2. I came home with $55 that I didn't leave with thanks to Blackjack.

3. I did not marry a stranger at the Little White Wedding Chapel Drive Thru. (I wasn't asked, dammit)

4. Never got drunk. Tried...but failed.

5. Linda has no idea who her boyfriend is if she doesn't have her contacts in. More on this later.

I'm off to shower and head to work. Have a great hump day!

Welcome to the neighborhood.

My guest blogger today is none other than my buddy Jen Suarez. She's funny as hell and I read her blog every day, so be sure to leave her lots of comments here, and do yourself a favor and start following her blog. You'll thank me later.

Oh hey there readers of Julie's blog! How the heck are ya? Julie is off vacationing in Vegas so she needed a few people to fill in for her while she's gone. Just so you all know, when I say "vacationing" what I really mean is getting piss drunk, passing out, and ending up married, with a tattoo that says "BUBBA" on her ass.

Sure, go ahead and laugh, but when she forces us all to look at pictures of her new ass tattoo, you won't be laughing anymore! Actually that's a total lie, cuz if that really happens I'll be laughing so hard milk will shoot out my tits. I mean nose.

So you are probably wondering "who the heck is this guest blogger?" Well my name's Jen and I blog daily over at www.JenniferSuarez.com I'm five foot five, I have brown eyes and brown hair. I enjoy quiet walks on the beach, a glass (or five) of wine, and I also... Oh WAIT, this is 47AndStartingOver not Match.com... and besides I'm married so WTF?!

Well none of that really matters because I'm here to keep you all entertained while Julie is gone. So in the spirit of that I'm going to tell you all a little story. Grab your glass of wine and your bottle of vicodin, cuz this one is a doozy.

My husband and I were very excited. We had just purchased our first home together. We were so happy to have our own place. My parents had offered to take our daughter for the evening so we could finish unpacking and settling in.

As you can imagine, having our own place, and a child free night, we decided we needed a little "Mommy Daddy Time". For those of you a little slow on the uptake, I'm talking about sex. Wild, crazy, the kids are gone and we no longer have neighbors living below us, kind of sex.

Let me tell you, it was fantastic. By the time we were done we had busted a support beam on our bed and our newly painted bedroom wall had a big chunk out of it. Before your imaginations go too crazy, I'd like to explain that I did NOT bite a hole into the wall, nor did my husband impale it with his manhood. What actually happened was the support beam had a lose nail that broke free, and when it did, part of the bed smashed against the wall... um a few thousand times. The bed hitting the wall was pretty loud, but it's important to note that it wasn't the only loud thing in the room that night.

Afterwards I was exhausted. I laid down and closed my eyes and started to listen to the crickets chirping outside. As I listened a sudden, horrible thought struck me...

OH-MY-GOD. The window is OPEN!!?!

I shot up in bed and immediately starting quizzing my husband. "How long has it been open? Did you just open it or... oh God, please say no, was it open this WHOLE TIME?"

Oh yea... you guessed it. The window was indeed open, WIDE OPEN, in the heat of summer, THE ENTIRE TIME! So of course I start freaking out:

Me: OMG what if someone heard us? Do you think someone could have heard us?
Rudy: Will you calm down! Who cares?
Me: Who cares?! WHO CARES?!! I CARE!!! It's the middle of summer! It's beautiful out. Look outside! Almost EVERYONE has their windows open!! OMG, I can't believe THIS! *buries my head in my hands*
Rudy: *smirking*
Me: How can you sit there and smirk? I haven't even had a chance to meet the neighbors!
Rudy: Well, I have a feeling we left them with a pretty strong first impression!

I'll tell ya one thing, he was right. We've lived in our house for almost 3 years now. We've become friends with most of our neighbors... and guess what? 3 years later... they are all STILL talking about *that* night.

FML

Thanks, Jen!

MY case for legalizing Marijuana

Happy Memorial Day, all! My post today comes courtesy of my buddy Gertrude Goggins. Please show her lots of love for being brave enough to take on my blog for a day!!!!

First of all, thank you Julie for allowing me to guest-post! You goddess, you!

Now, on to my case:

The other day I was reading this blog. Yes THIS one right here and Julie had posted several funny text message exchanges. It got me thinking about some of the ones that I have received and I remembered this one:

If you’ve ever been too stoned to make Kool-Aid, you might be a pothead.

So, my cohort was smart enough to think up a pseudo Jeff Foxworthy joke and text it, but she couldn’t make Kool-Aid. It’s Kool-Aid. 2 quarts of water, 1 cup of sugar, 1 packet of your favorite flavor and mix it up. It’s not really difficult, probably the mixing that scared her.

But that’s the whole basis for my case: If you can’t make Kool-aid, you can’t do a lot of things you shouldn’t be doing. Like making bombs and flying planes into buildings and crap like that. You will probably stay home and mind your own business unless you don’t have enough snacks and if you do have to make a run to the store, you’re only going to drive like 17 miles per hour. When you get to the store, if they’re out of your favorite snack, you’re not going to punch a clerk over it. Hell, you might give him a hug for suggesting an alternative snack.

I recall another conversation with the same chic. She was at my house and we were watching movies. She was baked, as per usual and asked if I was hungry.


Me: Sure, you want some Chinese?

Bake-o: OHHHHH, MANNNNNN, Chinese sounds GOOOOOD.

Me: Are you going to get the phone?

Bake-o: (long pause and then in a conspiratorial tone)…. I didn’t even hear it ring….

Me: NO! TO CALL THE CHINESE RESTAURANT!


Okay, so you’re not going to be Einstein on the stuff.


While we’re at it, though, let’s look at this on a much bigger scale:

What if we replaced nuclear warheads with pot-bombs? Seriously. Another country gets out of control and starts to terrorize their neighbors; we drop the Weed-Wedgie 2000 on them and BAM, crisis averted! They are too busy munching snacks and hugging one another to remember what it was they were pissed about in the first place.

And I know everyone talks about Obama being all slick and good-lookin’ where presidents are involved, but picture Diane Sawyer with this to say:

In a moment, our new president-elect, Matthew McConaughey will be giving his first state of the union address…

Now, how you gonna argue with THAT!?

Thanks, GG!!!! I owe you one!

Crashing into love.

My guest blogger today is the busiest mom I know, Sandi, from Lucky 13 and Counting. I feel very lucky that she would take time out of her already nuts schedule to write a blog for moi. Enjoy!

I started reading Julie shortly after I began blogging. I couldn’t tell you today how I found her, Hell I couldn’t tell you on the day I found her, how I found her. Blog surfing gets complicated. Anyway, when I found Julie, I stopped surfing and started reading. There was something about her that reached out and grabbed me hard.

Looking at Julie and I, side by side, you may notice all the differences right off the bat.

I am married and I have fourteen children.

Julie is not married and only has one child.

I love in Southern California in the sunshine.

Julie lives in Ohio and spent this last winter buried in snow with frozen pipes.

I sit home all day.

Julie has a real job in the real world.

So what do we have in common?

Well, aside from the fact that we are both women, both mothers, and both bloggers, not a whole hell of a lot, EXCEPT that just a few years ago, I was right where Julie is today. I was 33 years old and starting over. I had my cute little profile on Match.com. I was surfing bachelors instead of blogs, and let me tell you something, Julie is not making this shit up when she says how many wackos there are out there. I wish I would have been blogging back then so I could go back and re-read the nightmares I encountered. Sadly, or thankfully, I have blocked out that time of my life. Starting over sucks.

While finding a man after a divorce is not easy, having thirteen children complicated matters even more for me. When I found a guy that was willing to date me, I had to wonder if he truly was insane or maybe a possible child-molester. You all know there are weirdo’s out there, and if they wanted a girl with a dozen kids, I had to wonder. I spent many weeks dabbling in the online dating stuff, and even met a good guy or two. BUT I didn’t find “the one” online at all.

I found my husband on the side of the road.

Yep, I met Brandon in a car accident in Salt Lake City, Utah on the interstate. We were both involved in a 4-car fender bender and we fell in love while we were filling out police reports. Sometimes good things come out of shitty situations. I look at people on the side of the road in an entirely different light nowadays. I smile at their good fortune!

My advice to all you out there looking for love, check your rear view mirror. “THE ONE” could be right behind you. Hit those brakes girls. It’s worth the whiplash!

PS from Julie: Today it's been 4 years since Sandi & Brandon "crashed into each other's lives". Happy Anniversary!!!!

Vegas Update! Check it out!

Go to Linda's Blog, she'll be keeping a running update for you!!!!

Everyone's a comedian

Today's laugh is brought to you by my buddy Won. She graciously offered to take over my blog for the day while I was gone, so please make sure you check hers out as well and leave her some love.

Top 4 Crazy/Funny/Insane Stories of My Life (so far) that always make me chuckle:

- I was 16 and in Atlantic City with a couple friends. I don’t recall what we did that had the cops chasing us (my lack of coherent memory makes me believe it had to be a drug related offense, but who knows?!). I remember the driver trying to out-drive the police officer. Pedal-to-the-medal, just like you see in the movies kind of thing! And just like you see in the movies, when my friend pushed that brake pedal down as hard as he could for the last time in that horrible fleeing attempt, the car came to rest right at the edge of the road, where it meets the wall below it just before the steep descent into the Atlantic Ocean. I’ll never forget seeing how I was inches away from a swift death. We got out and outran the cops. Seriously.

-When my daughter was 7 and my son was 3, she learned that when you are young, your bones haven’t yet fused together. In essence, youngsters thus have more bones than adults. They were in the back seat of the car when I heard her say to him “Noah, did you know you have more bones in your body than Mommy and I do?” With an exasperated tone of “what is the matter with you?” I heard him respond: “Of course!!! That is because I have a penis!!!!”

-When my daughter was a newborn, there was a company meeting that my boss asked me to attend even though I was on maternity leave. She said I could bring my daughter. In the meeting, I pulled out the old kind of Playtex bottle with the drop in liner and began to push up on the liner to remove the air from the bottle. I was not paying attention when the milk began to shoot out. Splat… right in the President of the companies face! Bad enough, right? Nah.

Someone asked “Hey, was that formula or breast milk?”

Yep, my breast milk in the big boss’ face!
　
-And lastly, a Vegas story but not really. We were on our way to Vegas for business when the airport got shut down due to bad weather. We went to a colleague’s house, spent the night and returned in the morning. People looked so pissed, having slept on the dirty floors of Detroit Metro Airport overnight. We were in line for the ticket agent. The man in front of us in line was really giving it to the poor ticket agent. The customer was so loud and irate and I felt badly for the agent. She had to put up with so much abuse that day from tired, angry travelers. My colleague, standing behind the irate man so that he was unaware of what she was doing, decided to make funny faces at the ticket agent! I do not know how the agent managed to not react. I only know that she is likely alive today only as a result of her being able to not react!

Oh…and Julie….no worries about the flight or the plane’s safety darling. Just remember one thing: that is that each and every part on the plane was manufactured by the lowest bidder.

Gee, thanks for reminding me of that, pal.

Blind Dates

Hi!

I'm Simone from Chocolate Covered Daydreams and I'll be your hostess..umm...I mean, guest blogger while Jules is away doing one of the following:

A) Having the time of her life at the Vegas buffets

B) Bathing in the money she's won at the casinos

C) Hooking up with some hot Vegas dude and not thinking about us in blogland at all.

I think C) but I hope B) because that means that she's going to be kicking down a few thous for us, guest bloggers when she returns.

In the meantime, the topic of the day is blind dates. Since Julie has captured my attention many times with her online dating stories, this clip below made me think of her.

Rough Cut Comedy - Stump Hand Stu: The Blind Date - watch more funny videos

You gotta love those blind dates!!

What was your worst blind date?

I've had quite a few that would fall in the category of hell date. The one that comes to mind the most though is the Date with the Juicer. Now if some of you follow my blog, you know all about the Juicer. He was (past tense because he's no longer in the picture) a nice guy but couldn't hold his stomach juices in. When he ate, for some reason, he chewed and then had to spit the juices in his mouth out because he couldn't swallow it. Our first date, we went to a restaurant. Now, I was forewarned but not to it's full extent, about his "issue". Twenty napkins later (and they were piling up on the table), and two trips to the bathroom to toss his cookies, I was no longer hungry. When he wiped his mouth, I tried not to look as a string of drool mixed food hung from his chin.

The sad thing was that he was a very nice guy. I just couldn't get past his juicer issues. I was popping rolaids everytime we went out on a date.

So that's my story...what's yours? Spill it all in the comment section for Jules to read!

NOTE FROM JULIE: Blogger sucks. I have had more problems this past two days with stuff not loading, getting error messages, etc. I sure hope they fix the problem soon. The video shows up on my preview, but not on the actual blog. Sorry!

Vegas Bound!

Look at the countdown on the right. IT'S VEGAS DAY!!!!

Omigosh I can't believe it's finally here. When I started that countdown there was like 70 some days. The time has flown by. And now, at 6:15 tonight (PST) I'll be landing in Vegas and meeting Linda and Darlene. All joking about me "having better luck picking up women than men on the internet" aside...I feel like I've known these two forever, and it will just be like seeing old friends I haven't seen in awhile.

Don't expect any blog posts from me while I'm gone...I'm on blogvacation. I've lined up several of my good friends....Simone, Amy, Won, Sandi and Jen to pitch hit for me until I get back. So be nice to them....leave them lots of comments and make them not regret doing this feel welcome. Oh, and if they are funnier than I am...too damn bad, you're MY readers and I will stalk you until you come back to me!

A few last minute items of business:

1. I couldn't decide what to wear so I basically packed my entire summer wardrobe into the biggest suitcase I can find. I'm prepared for anything. Linda is going to be scared shitless wondering if I'm actually relocating when she sees it. I have everything *except* pajamas. I don't own them. There better be a door on the guest bedroom or she may see far more of me than she ever, ever, wanted to.

2. Speaking of me naked...today's weigh in...I lost 3.1 lbs. Yay me! And I've lost 2" off my waist, 2" off my hips, 2 1/4" off my amazing rack (LOL), and half inch off my bat wings upper arms. Total weight loss just under 12 lbs, and according to WW that's an average of 1.7 lbs a week...a good healthy steady loss. I'm much happier this week than I was last week when I gained .6 of a lb!

3. I will probably upload a few pics to Facebook while I'm gone, only because it's super easy to do from my iPhone. Also, feel free to text me if you have my number. Danica, I expect a phone call...I assume you'll want to say hello to the girls!

4. It's a fact, I'm an anxious flyer. My plane leaves at 4:55. I'll be popping a Valium at 4:00, followed by a pre-board cocktail. Another drink on the plane, and I should successfully snooze most of the 4 hour flight. Just send good traveling vibes my way, will ya?

On that note, at noon I'm officially turning my blog over to my guest bloggers. First up... Simone. I'd rather she was meeting us in Vegas rather than filling in for me, but I'll catch her next trip.

I'm leaving you guys in good hands, and I expect you all to behave until I get back. I'll be back with a blog on Wednesday...it may not be a full recap as I don't get in until late Tuesday night, but I'll definitely post a teaser!

Love you all, "see" you Wednesday!

It goes without saying....but I'll say it anyway!

Coming in second on American Idol will be the best thing that ever happened to Adam Lambert. He will go on to a huge career, while Kris Allen will end up an Idol along the likes of Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks. One obligatory album and then he'll be just a fond memory.

Not that Kris isn't a decent singer. He was just sooooooooo bland. He reminded me of non-alcoholic beer. Yeah, it tastes the same, but the happy feeling you get from it just isn't there.

Adam, on the other hand, wow! And to see him and Kiss performing together??? Are you kidding me??? Good God, I hadn't been that excited in months! I was couch dancing and rockin' my Glambert status. And it makes me very happy that now Adam has the freedom to be the kind of artist he wants to be...and not a product of the AI machine.

I realize Gokey's votes had to go somewhere, and the Christian movement that backed him certainly wouldn't vote for a guy who wears eyeliner and likes boys. So I expected Kris to win.

Doesn't mean the best man won though.



If I were 20 years younger and had a penis, I'd be all over this boy.

I just wanna dip him up on a chip. Mmmm.

Rawrrrrrl.

Your mission....should you choose to accept it....

Is to "guest blog" for me while I'm in Vegas engaging in drinking and debauchery with Linda and Darlene having a restful vacation!!!

Who wants to?

C'mon...I need four people max. One each for Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I can do my usual Sunday Rewind that day if I get no takers, so I still need at least three of you to cover my ass fill in for me for a few days!

Look at it like this....a lot of you tell me you don't have many followers, so this would be a great chance to expose yourself on my blog!



Wait....let me rephrase that. (Missy, put your dress down. Bagman, I see you over there flashing the goods as well!)

This is a great chance to tell all my readers who you are and what your blog is about and show them your personality...I guarantee you'll have more followers afterward!

So....everyone who's willing to guest blog...raise your hand.



Your post can be as long or short as you want. Funny or serious. I don't care...and you can't embarrass me so do what you want. If you're interested, let me know, and just make sure I have your post by Friday morning so I can set them all up before I leave.

OK seriously, who wants to take over my blog?

I need a dinner date....

Who's in?

More Texts From Last Night

I can't help it. I'm addicted.

(503): i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
(360): let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.


(845): i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low


(216): when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
(1-216): damn...impressive bar tab
(216): no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer


(859): Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
(502): Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?


(503): PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
(515): Ur type is ready and willing


(917): last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
(917): this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
(917): he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
(718): messed up. what color are the wings?


(712): She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...


(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he's deaf.


(406): So, how was the dinner
(1-406): Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.


(315): evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.


(603): Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
(1-603): No...more like a life jacket.

I'm almost done...hang on....

(619): I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.


(617): So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon


(323): Would you feel weird if I asked out Debbie?
(310): You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
(323): So...no?`


(401): my mouth tastes like poor choices


(310): My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...


(206): Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad


(773): Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...


(402): Houston.. we have a drinking problem..


(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
(1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911


(630): I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.


(585): i'm signing you up for texting rehab


(303): I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.


(702): Kareoke will never be a sober sport


(517): areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
(616): you srsly need to quit going to that bar


(818): Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.


(815): the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?


(925): Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.


(734): hey call me
(810): can't. in the shower.
(734): ... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.


(816): I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.


(301): Bea Arthur died yesterday
(240): You shut your stupid mouth
(301): Betty White is next, I just know it.
(240): Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.


(936):Bea Arthur died! :(
(214):What?
(936):Big bird passed.


(815) Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
(1-815) You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.


(818): dude, i look like john mccains neck right now


(920): Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers


(337): i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
(985): wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb


(805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
(1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.


(517): I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.


(925): so explain again why im purple
(617): no

Just a few more...


(336): I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.


(214): your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
(1-214): we're not divorced.


(970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
(970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.


(310): I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.


(478): This is not my ceiling


(619): I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity


(832): I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
(303): I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex


(610): please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.


(917): I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
(201): so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay


(805): As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!


(504): Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
(225): You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
(504): Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
(225): I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....


(714): It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...


(669): I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation. (hmmmm...who does this remimd us of????)


(303): Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

OK I have to stop now. LOL

Sunday Rewind - Friday Funnies (Confused yet?)

There are way too many days of the week in that title.

Anyway...it's my day off. Enjoy a rewind from last October.

First though, a caveat...if you recall I was recently accused of being "malicious and mean spirited" by One Date Dude ODD, because he observed that:

"You have a lot of women reading your missives, for this is an epidemic in this country . . . Man Bashing . . with a more virulent strain of it, White Man Bashing. I believe you've committed the former but not the latter. There are a lot of lonely, angry women out there and your blog probably suits many of them very well."

(I believe you can all figure out why there was no second date!)

So allow me to go on record and say...

The following is indeed man-bashing. Sue me.

Happy Sunday!!!!!

Friday, October 24, 2008
Friday Funnies

No disrespect to my male readers but there's a little man bashing going on here this morning. It's all just for fun and you know I love you guys so don't be throwing curses out on me!

Here we go, ladies. Find one you like!!!


The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)


And the personal favorite:


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)



One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma '
And they say blondes are dumb...
------------------------------ -----------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
------------------------------ -----------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the s hower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

----------------------------- ------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
----------------------------- ------------------
* Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN (Note from Julie...this used to be my mantra when married.)
----------------------------- ------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
------------------------------ ----------------- --
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough

My followers come and go....

My followers are like my weight....the number fluctuates daily. Today it's 176. Yesterday it was 178. The day before it was 175.

Yet I average about 25 comments a day.

Doesn't it make you wonder what the other 150 people are doing with their hands while reading my blog? Make that 149...I *know* what Bagman is doing.

I need some sort of commenter lock down...you can come to my blog anytime you want but you can't leave until you comment.

Is Blognapping punishible by law?

Oh well, I'm just grateful for the 175-178 who care enough to follow me! I've never had such a big group to lead astray!

Friday's Bits & Pieces

No specific theme today...just random me stuff.

Look to the right on my blog at my Vegas counter. A week from now my bags will be packed and I'll be on my way west for 5 days of drinking and debauchery. Or at least I hope that is at least part of what Linda, Darlene and I will engage in! I can't wait, it's going to be so much fun....

Did you see the season finale of Grey's Anatomy last night? OMG. The ending blew me away. When I realized it was George....wow.

I'm not as cranky as I was yesterday with the weight thing. I'm still not buying the "muscle" excuse but I'll take it, at least until next Thursday's weigh in.

Let's have a question of the day, shall we?

If you could completely eliminate any one of your pet peeves, what would it be?

Happy Friday!!!

Frustrating Thursday

Thursday WW Weigh In:

GAINED .6 lb.

Seriously????????? How the fuck does that happen when I'm eating less and exercising more? I'm staying within my points every day, and breaking a sweat consistently. I even joined the Y and worked out for an hour last night.

Arrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I know, I know. It's a marathon, not a sprint. But it would be nice to see some reward to your hard work, you know?

I'm going to go scream in the shower now. And try not to do what I would usually do which is say "screw it, I'm just meant to be fat" and eat a dozen donuts.

(Nearly) Wordless Wednesday *Updated*

Ask, and you shall receive...



Happy Hump Day.

Texts From Last Night

OK, this website is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It makes me laugh out loud every single day.

Texts From Last Night

Fair warning, if you have delicate eyes there may be some offensive words here. But basically these are just texts that people have sent other people, and I can't stop reading it!!! I swear some are damn close to actual conversations I've had with my friends....many years ago of course.

My current faves are (NOTE: The numbers in front are the area codes the texts come from):

(831): Hey, what are you up to?
(802): Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
(802): Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

(561): You drink too much
(1-561): No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

(316): I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
(785): He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

(301): Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
(443): We using my standards or yours?

(402): I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

(513): Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives

(813): My mind said no, but my drink said yes.

(507): I want your puppy
(507): I meant pussy
(612): I would rather you take my puppy

(818): Jake died.
(310): WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
(818): Oops typo. Jake cried.

(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.

(330): Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood

(217): What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.

(978): Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession

(317): Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.

(917): omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
(310): Whats your twitter name

(203): I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.

(610): The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.

And what could be my all time favorite....

(212): dude, i just got a bummer
(418): whats a bummer
(212): a blowjob from a homeless chick

Don't say you weren't warned... Oh, and don't sit there all innocent acting, you know twenty minutes from now you're going to be reading every page of TFLN and laughing out loud, while trying to pretend you'd never enjoy something so horribly dysfunctional!

So when you do, come back and tell me what your favorite one is!

Really? Am I the only one?

Doesn't everybody hang their clothes in the closet according to color? And facing the same direction? (That direction being left!)



It's not like I'm so anal that I insist on all the same colors of hangers....

Yet.

It's only 6am.

I *am* Mother Of The Year!

Seriously! Look!!!!

CLICK HERE

I'd like to thank all the little people that got me here. Well, I guess just this little person:



Who is now this big person:



He is the love of my life, and I'm so thankful to be his Mom. Thanks, buddy, for being the kind of son every mother dreams about.

And this lady is pretty special to me too. Everything I know about being a Mom, I learned from the Book of Betty:



Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

And the same to all of you ladies reading this today...I wish you the happiest Mother's Day ever!

What can I "wine" about today?

Happy Saturday everyone....

I have the Wine Flu.

When did I become such a lightweight that TWO glasses of wine can A) make me drunk and B) give me a hangover?



And no, for the smart asses out there who are wondering (and you know who you are), they were not 16 oz. wine glasses either!

We were actually installing the master bedroom at a client's house until 8pm last night, and they were graciously supplying us with beverages as we worked. I truly believe in situations like that, there is something inside you that just automatically makes you remain sober and acting normally until you get to a safe place, such as your own home. Because I felt fine driving home, but somehow the minute I got into my own house, I was buzzed as hell! Clearly, as soon as I relaxed, I *really* relaxed. I ended up asleep on the couch at 10pm (yes, another wild Friday night for Julie).

Today, I just have a headache. And my body hurts. Add all the bending and moving of stuff that I did last night to the fact that I've been planting and weeding for a week now, and my back is not happy. Literally, everything from mid-back to my knees hurts. Damn those three herniated disks.

But the good news is that I have a garden! Woohoo! Four types of tomatoes, some jalapeno peppers, some purple and orange sweet peppers, two types of basil, and some rosemary. And I have a feeling I'll be adding more to it...I'm all about the gardening these days.

Oh, and my first month on Weight Watchers is officially over as of today. As you can see from my ticker at the very bottom of my blog, I've lost 9.7 lbs. this month. That's good, I know, but I'm disappointed that I fell short .3 of a pound and didn't meet my 10 lbs. goal. Arrrgh. Damn that wine last night.

Oh well...on to my next 30 days and 10 lbs. I'll be successful this month.

Since tomorrow is my blogging day off, I want to wish all you moms out there a very Happy Mother's Day! I am blessed to still have my mother with me, and even more blessed to be the mom of The Best Kid Ever. I love my life.

On a related note, should I ask for this as a Mother's Day gift?

The *Last* Argument

O.K. Honey!

We're here!

You can come out now.



I would have posted this even if my bestie Penny *didn't* live in a 5th Wheel RV (sooooo much bigger than this one)but it's that much funnier to me imagining her saying this to her dearly beloved, Eddie! Thanks for the laugh, Red.

Happy Friday, everyone!

Your big chance to help two very cute men....

OK technically they aren't men.

They are boys.

Small boys.

But adorable nonetheless.

My friend Meghan is the mother of The Two Cutest Boys Ever. Seriously, they are. I could just squeeze the crap right out of them.

Look at these faces:



Sumner and Jackson are in the Cutest Multiples Photo Contest. The voting is on the left side of the blog, and they are #6.

So would everyone please take a second today and go vote for these two cuties?

I don't know what the grand prize is other than the claim to fame that you have the cutest multiples ever, but I am doing my part to see that Meghan, Summy and Jack win! Thanks for helping out the cause...

Now, go vote!

Little things thrill me the most.

So last month when it first started getting warmer here in the state with ridiculous weather all year round sunny Ohio, I pulled out my jean capris and was going to wear them one day.

They didn't fit.

That's right, I could barely drag the fuckers pants up over my hips, although I did get them that far, but buttoning or zipping was nothing short of a fantasy.

Which sort of confused me because I weighed exactly the same as I did when I wore them last. So what, does fat start to liquefy and spread? Or maybe now that my son measured me as 5'7 1/2", when I have been 5'9" my entire life, it's indicative of how since I'm getting shorter, I'm also getting wider?

Really, will three herniated disks cause you to lose an inch and a half in height? Or did I just have far bigger hair for years?

I haven't talked a lot about it, but I've been doing Weight Watcher's Online for almost a month now. (I keep the little handy dandy weight loss ticker at the bottom of my blog, if anyone cares to follow it.) My goal is to lose 10 lbs. a month. I haven't weighed in this week yet, I do that Thursday, but it's my belief I will reach that first 10 lb. goal when I do.

I feel really good, I feel like I have my eating under control, I'm eating far better (healthier and more natural foods) than I probably ever have, and I'm actually exercising. Yes, you read that right. I work up a sweat of some sort daily. And no, there is no nudity involved. Dammit.

Anyway....back to the story....

So this morning as I was contemplating my work wardrobe I saw these damn capris hanging there, taunting me, and I thought to myself, those can be my first "goal" clothes...and when I get in them, I'll know I've redistributed the fat lost some weight. Because let's face it, at this point I've just lost 7 1/2 lbs, and on somebody my size that's not enough to even notice.

But I tried them on anyway.

And I would like to publicly announce that not only am I wearing them at work today...but they are not even tight! They fit quite comfortably!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't have to suck my stomach in back to my spine, nor do I have anything Spanx on! (and I swear it had nothing to do with the baby oil gel I put on when I got out of the shower, greasing my legs so the damn things would slide on!)

Little things thrill me the most. Even if it's just fitting back into a pair of pants.

In a related note, I saw an ex-boyfriend this morning. I wouldn't mind fitting back into HIS pants. LOL

The season's "must have" fashion accessory?

As we've established, time and time again, there is no cooler fashion accessory on all the planet than a petite pooch. Teacup poodles, bichon frises, Chihuahuas, you name it -- if it can fit in a purse, it's fashion gold.

I know. I have one who does. Meet Gracie.





But for those times when you need something more functional, there is evidently a new product out...a fanny pack for your little precious.

Now this may be helpful for when you need to be hands-free, but still want your favorite fur-covered fashion accessory by your side.

However, my fear is that I would forget I had Gracie strapped to my ass, then I'd sit down and squash her like a grape. She may be a sturdy 4 lbs but even she couldn't survive this booty.

Is it just me or if you're going to take the dog for a walk, shouldn't it actually touch the ground? And if you're the one in need of exercise, leave Rover at home...don't make him slap your ass with every step.

Well, unless you're into that thing!