Do NOT Try This At Home. I Repeat....DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

First and foremost...Jordan, if you are reading this, exit out of it now and go to class. This is NOT for your eyes. Trust me on this one.

Okay so yesterday was Valentine's Day, right? A day for lovers. And something crazy happened to two people very close to me..... "my friends" Angelina and Brad. (No, it's not Michael and me. I would never divulge something this personal about US in a public forum. It's Brad and Angie. Go with it.)

This was Brad and Angie's first Valentine's Day together and as such, Angie thought it would be fun to spice things up a bit during their sleepover.

So she got Brad the above referenced KY Yours & Mine as a gift. Now, according to the box, here's what's supposed to happen:

His excites. Hers delights. Together feel them ignite. What is it? It takes two lubricants to make chemistry, to make magic, to make love. An invigorating warming sensation for him. A thrilling tingling sensation for her. Put the two together for a totally new, unexpected experience. It's more exciting. More satisfying. More everything.

Sounds fantastic! They decided to give it a whirl!

Cut to their bedroom, and things are heating up if you get my drift. So there they were, all primed and ready to rock, so Angie puts Brad's stuff on him, which is supposed to generate the "warming" effect, and he applies hers, which is the anticipated "tingling" effect and off they go.

Fairly quickly Angie remembers thinking "OK, I don't really feel tingling. It's more cold than anything else." But she carries on, and waits for the tingling to start, assuming Brad is feeling the "warmth" that his was supposed to deliver. Meanwhile, she's getting colder and colder down there, like somebody is rubbing an ice cube all over her.

After about 5 minutes, Brad stops and says "Baby, I don't feel anything" and Angie was like "I know! I don't feel tingling or anything either" and he says "No, I mean I don't feel *anything*. I'm numb". LOLOLOLOL

Angelina started laughing and said "OMG, so am I! I thought it was just me! It's so cold down there, yet it's like a burning cold if that makes sense!!", to which Brad responds "Tell me about it, I feel like I'm fucking Peppermint Patty" and they officially lost it. At this point they were laughing so hard they were crying, and lamenting how their "special first Valentine's night" hadn't quite turned out the way they planned.

So after about 15 minutes, Brad says "OK let's see if it's worn off an we can make something happen now" and attempts to head south, thinking he will rev Angie up with a little foreplay, at which time she starts screaming "No, don't do that! You'll end up with your entire mouth numb like you've just had a root canal!" The visual in both of their heads of him coming up for air with a face full of Novacaine sends them into convulsions of laughter and promptly puts an end to Geezer's Gone Wild Night.

Eventually they give up on the idea of their sexy Valentine's romp, and decide that at this age, it's best to stick with the tried and true stuff and leave the experimenting to the younger crowd.

Consider this a public service announcement. You're welcome.

No Sex in the City

First things first....Jordan, if you are reading this, exit out of it now. Some things Moms and Sons do NOT need to share.



OK kids, I need to be dating. There is something MAJOR missing from my life. I don't think I need to elaborate on what it is. I think the blog title...and picture...are self explanatory.

Thing is...I miss all aspects of a relationship, but this one in particular. I've always been very...um...active in that department. And this unintentional celibacy is killing me. I'm too young to have cobwebs south of my waist!

We all know I continued dating my ex for three years after our divorce, and frankly this was one of the reasons why. The devil you know is better than no devil at all...at least it was at the time. Now that devil is no longer an option....I just can't go there no matter how bad being alone feels. Some things never change, and he's one of them.

So what is a girl to do?

I'm not a booty call kind of gal. Don't get me wrong, there are more than a few ex's that I wasn't insane enough to marry who would gladly oblige me. But at this age, I'm not looking for just a good time. I'm looking for someone to share good times with.

It's just so hard to meet men. I'm on a free dating website...mostly for blog fodder....and frankly there hasn't been anyone on there recently that I've talked to on there who interests me enough to actually get all glammed up and meet. And after the last two that I did meet...yeah, one might say there are plenty of fish in the sea, but are there any real men?

This weekend I considered Match.com or eHarmony, but I've tried that before right after my divorce, and frankly I wasn't impressed there either.

Sigh.

Give me some ideas here. All my friends are married, so all of their friends are married. I don't meet many single straight guys at work, and the last time I did I married him and we all know how successful *that* was. I don't go to church, so I'm not going to meet a nice single guy there. I'm not into the bar scene, and clearly Fed Ex may guarantee delivery by 10:30am but they aren't bringing what I need.

So, single bloggers...where do you go to meet people to date? C'mon, help a sister out here. Know any single guys 40 to early 50's in or around Columbus, Ohio? Got an uncle you forgot to mention to me?? A cute and single brother-in-law? Tians.sis, can you please send Johnny my way? He's soooooooooooo damn cute! I'll take good care of him, I promise. Really, really good care. Mindblowing care. LOL I'll send that boy back home cryin for his mama.

And no, in case you are wondering, I don't need new batteries. I have rechargeable ones. LOL

As my BFF Elizabeth says...I need to break the seal! HELP!!!!

My first official condom post.

I've never done a condom post! But I thought this was a riot and worth watching. Don't worry, there is no nudity involved!

The Best Condom Commercial Ever:

What day, who's face and is sex involved?

Seriously, I slept so soundly that I woke up having NO idea what day it was. I laid there thinking...okay, can I go back to sleep, or do I have to go to work? And if I have to work, exactly what day IS this? Is it Friday yet?

What's with the waking up like you've been in a freaking coma? Is this a product of age, stress, nobody to keep me up at night...what?

And can somebody tell me why *everything* hurts when you get out of bed? My body literally creaks. It's like I've become a wood floor and somebody is walking on me. Hell my days of being able to sneak up on anybody are long gone. You can hear me coming from two rooms away.

And *where* does all the gas come from? You ladies know exactly what I'm talking about so stop laughing. I never used to be like this. My mother was like this though! She'd wake up, and toot all the way down the hall to the bathroom every single morning. And I would laugh, and think "I can't believe she just let's it fly like that!"

Well, I *could* do the same thing. I try not to, because I don't want to wake my son up. But damn, I'm like one big ball of gas when I get out of bed. If I let it all fly it would sound like firecrackers going off or something. What the hell causes that when you get older????

Oh, and seriously...I want my face back.

Whoever took it and replaced it with this blotchy, puffy, jowled, creviced, wrinkly, shopping bag sized bags-under-the-eyes, dark eye circled, weird red marks, doubled chinned lump of flesh with a sheet imprint on one cheek, needs to return it pronto.

I'm never going to get a date with the one you left it's place when you stole my youth real face while I was in the aforementioned blissful sleep.

Trust me, NOBODY wants to see this face looking up at them during sex...or God forbid, looking down. Seriously. Have you ever actually seen what you look like when you're on top, and you think you've got this sexy "Oooh, yeah baby" look on your face as you're bent over your man? Go lay a mirror on your bathroom sink, bend over it and look. You will never be on top again.

On top, you get the saggy face thing. On bottom, you get boobs in your armpits. There is no sexy position at my age. Well, maybe from behind. But you've gotta really be bent over far to stretch out the cellulite in your ass and make it look smooth.

Evidently, if I ever get laid again, it's going to have to be during a black out.

I'm going back to bed now. It's less depressing.

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice

From Perez Hilton's website...

It's nice to hear that even murders get treated well in jail! In fact, John Lennon's crazy killer has been enjoying conjugal visits with his wife for the past 16years.

Nice. Even murderers get laid more than I do.

I've gotta get a life.