This is why I'm single.

Yes folks, this is what's swimming around in the dating pool out there.

If these are my options ::::shudder:::: then I am very happy remaining a single woman.

What I Want In A Man

Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially hung
4. Good conversationalist
5. Funny
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too unattractive
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too over and over and over and over
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

There is something seriously wrong with me

Ok so do you watch Survivor? If you know me, you know I'm a reality showholic, and I've never missed a season of this show in particular.

So this season, there is a guy on the show named Russell.

He's an asshole.

And yet, I find him attractive.

I know, right?  Those of you who watch are now screaming at your computer screen saying "Dear God, help this woman because she has clearly lost her frickin mind".

The dude is like 5'6" (I'm 5'9), he's built like a fire plug, sorta like Barney Rubble without the blonde hair.   I never *ever* have been attracted to men shorter than me.  The last thing I ever want to do is find myself looking down to kiss a man. 

And seriously, he is truly a dick.  It's ridiculous.  What a controlling ass.

And yet....I've got chick wood for him.

I think it's the Southern accent.  I've always had a thing for accents.  He's got this Texas drawl that I find soooooooooo sexy.  Clearly, I need to meet a man from the South!

And he's all man, I gotta give him that.  There's no tender sensitive "in touch with his feminine side" thing going on with this dude.  He's walking testosterone.

I'm not sure if I'm so hard up for male attention that someone like this would catch my eye or what.  Scares me to think what kind of guy I may end up dating one day.

Seriously, I have got to get out more before I end up dating a midget or something.  What the hell would I do with a man who only comes up to my waist?

Oh, wait....

Two things I've never been called in my life....until now.

1. Malicious

2. Mean Spirited

Hmmmm....I guess it's good that I've made it 48 years without being referred to in that manner, right? Until now...

I was going to write a detailed background here as to what lead up to me being referred to as this, but the truth is that it's really not important. The bottom line is, I met someone, we went out, we talked daily, he breaks a date, goes out of town and I never hear from him again. Eventually I emailed him a "Did you get lost on your way home from your weekend, or are you just bored with me already?" and his response was "Neither".

That was it. "Neither". Not "Sorry I've been out of touch" or "You're really not my kind of girl" or "I broke both hands jacking off and couldn't type for a week". (Which frankly would be quite a turn on for me! LOL)

It is just me, or wouldn't some sort of more-than-one-word response been appropriate here? Granted, he doesn't owe me an explanation at all, but to me, common courtesy dictates that if you're speaking with someone on a daily basis, and then do an abrupt fade, when asked about it you should man up and say why you bailed.

So after another week of silence I politely say "Listen, I thought we had a good connection, so if you'd like to tell me what happened that caused you to turn and run, I'd love to hear it. I haven't dated in eight years, so I'll take all the feedback I can get. And if not, that's okay too."

And the rest of the conversation goes like this:

Him: I have a lot of things to say . . . some you may find useful, some may piss you off . . . I think you have a lot of unresolved anger.

Me: Unresolved anger? LOL. Elaborate please! When have I exhibited anger of any sort towards you?

Him: LOL . . . not towards me personally, but men in general . . . because of whatever your ex did to you. It's all in your blog. You should read it sometime. Your initial "therapy" in writing it (a psychologist might have been a better idea) has now turned into something bordering on maliciousness and mean-spiritedness . . . I wish I had it in front of me to make references, but this laptop is not hooked up to a printer.

Me: Well I'm sorry you interpret it that way now. Two weeks ago you thought it was fun and entertaining! So I will continue to operate under the assumption that my 35,000 blog hits indicate that your opinion of me being mean spirited and malicious is yours alone. Take care.

Now, I happily go down on record as saying I Am Not Perfect. Never have been, never will be. And sure as hell don't pretend like I am! But one thing I know for sure, is that I have never, ever intentionally hurt anyone's feelings. I am not the kind of person who gets her kicks out of being a raving bitch.

That's not to say I can't "be" a raving bitch. LOL...but it's just not my general, day to day nature!

So I was a bit surprised by this assessment of me. Especially as it refers to my blog. And even more so because two weeks ago this same person read my blog, and called me to say he thinks it's fabulous, I'm funny and talented and smart and he thinks that I am doing an amazing job with it.

And now I'm malicious and mean spirited.

Is anyone else as confused by that as I am? *Am* I that way on here? Do I come across to you guys as this kind of person? I realize most of you don't know me, however a good chunk of my readers are people who know me in real life. And I'm hard pressed to find one of them who would describe me in this manner.

So tell me your thoughts on this. Do you agree with what he said? Do I have unresolved anger issues, and should have consulted a psychologist rather than engage in blog therapy? Or do you think that perhaps he should have taken the time to get to know me without trying so hard to sleep with me instead and learned who the woman behind the blog really is?

I just don't get it. And I'm pretty sure I don't want to.

I will never understand men.

I haven't in the past 48 years. And I don't expect to in the next 48.

I don't think it's genetically possible.

I truly believe that when they separate us in 5th grade and take the boys in one room and put the girls in the other to teach us about periods and stuff, they tell the boys how to drive women insane. And NOT in a sexual way.

One of the things that annoys the living shit right out of me bothers me about men is their lack of communication skills, especially when they use it as a way to play games with women.

Grow up, fellas. This isn't junior high.

It is not that difficult to carry on a conversation. It definitely should not be that tough to answer polite questions from somebody you are either intimate with, or wanting to be intimate with.

Guys, listen up. Conversation is like a tennis game. I hit the ball to you, you hit it back to me. Occasionally the ball drops and somebody has to pick it up and lob it over the net again. But for the most part, it's back and forth. Give and take. I talk, you talk.

This is what conversation is NOT: I ask, you answer the question and that's it. Then dead air. I lob another one your way. You answer again. I get nothing in return. No further action on the court.

I'm not fucking playing proverbial tennis with myself here, pal.

This is not rocket science. You ask, I answer with witty repartee and a question of my own. Then you laugh, respond accordingly, show some interest by asking something about me, and then it's my turn again.

It's a conversation between two people who are getting acquainted. Not a goddamn job interview. Nothing annoys me more than to have to drag conversation out of somebody. Yes I'm interested in getting to know you. But part of this process is you getting to know me too.

Once in awhile you get lucky, and you meet someone who can carry on a conversation. It's refreshing, and kind of a turn on to actually have someone engaging me in witty banter. Asking questions about me, telling me about himself, having a good time getting to know each other.

Until he becomes Mr. One Word.

Let the record show, Your Honor, that I divorced Mr. One Word.

I HAVE ZERO DESIRE TO DATE ANOTHER ONE LIKE HIM.

My ex was not the best communicator in the world in general. (I'm being nice here) In fact, he sucked at it. He knows this about himself so it's not like I'm telling family secrets here. But what was really annoying about him, especially this past three years since our divorce, was the one word response shit, which was his way of punishing me, usually for busting him out on bad behaviors. So for weeks, he would respond this way, knowing he was technically answering the question yet not really giving me the information I was asking for, thus causing me to probe further...only so he could then accuse me of interrogating him!

Julie: Hey, whatcha doin?

Ex: Nothing.

Julie: Oh...are you at home?

Ex: No.

Julie: Oh. Where are you?

Ex: Driving.

Julie: Yeah? Where are you going?

Ex: Easton

Julie: Oh, what are you going to Easton for?

Ex: Nothing

Julie: Ok, so you are driving to the biggest shopping mecca in Columbus to do nothing?

Ex: Why are you interrogating me? See this is why I'm single.

(No, you are single for many reasons other than this, pal)

Why can't this be a normal conversation, you know, like I'd have with a woman....

Julie: Hey! Whatcha doin?

Friend: I'm on my way to Easton. Just felt like walking around since it's so nice out. What are you doing?"

Seriously, WHY is this so difficult?

So anyway, I thought it was case specific....that being just my ex and his "I'm punishing you by speaking in one word responses because I know how much it pisses you off".

So what happens today?

I discover that it's not just HIM. Evidently, another guy that I was enjoying getting to know, has officially enrolled in the VP School of Answering Questions with One Word Only.

Do I just attract this species or what? Is there a sign on a bathroom wall somewhere that says "The fastest way to piss Julie off is to give a one word response to her when you both know she deserves a better answer than that".

No no no no no. I'm not playing this bullshit game with yet another man. Sorry.

But, just so you know that two can play...here's my one word response to him:

Ciao.