2. Mean Spirited
Hmmmm....I guess it's good that I've made it 48 years without being referred to in that manner, right? Until now...
I was going to write a detailed background here as to what lead up to me being referred to as this, but the truth is that it's really not important. The bottom line is, I met someone, we went out, we talked daily, he breaks a date, goes out of town and I never hear from him again. Eventually I emailed him a "Did you get lost on your way home from your weekend, or are you just bored with me already?" and his response was "Neither".
That was it. "Neither". Not "Sorry I've been out of touch" or "You're really not my kind of girl" or "I broke both hands jacking off and couldn't type for a week". (Which frankly would be quite a turn on for me! LOL)
It is just me, or wouldn't some sort of more-than-one-word response been appropriate here? Granted, he doesn't owe me an explanation at all, but to me, common courtesy dictates that if you're speaking with someone on a daily basis, and then do an abrupt fade, when asked about it you should man up and say why you bailed.
So after another week of silence I politely say "Listen, I thought we had a good connection, so if you'd like to tell me what happened that caused you to turn and run, I'd love to hear it. I haven't dated in eight years, so I'll take all the feedback I can get. And if not, that's okay too."
And the rest of the conversation goes like this:
Him: I have a lot of things to say . . . some you may find useful, some may piss you off . . . I think you have a lot of unresolved anger.
Me: Unresolved anger? LOL. Elaborate please! When have I exhibited anger of any sort towards you?
Him: LOL . . . not towards me personally, but men in general . . . because of whatever your ex did to you. It's all in your blog. You should read it sometime. Your initial "therapy" in writing it (a psychologist might have been a better idea) has now turned into something bordering on maliciousness and mean-spiritedness . . . I wish I had it in front of me to make references, but this laptop is not hooked up to a printer.
Me: Well I'm sorry you interpret it that way now. Two weeks ago you thought it was fun and entertaining! So I will continue to operate under the assumption that my 35,000 blog hits indicate that your opinion of me being mean spirited and malicious is yours alone. Take care.
Now, I happily go down on record as saying I Am Not Perfect. Never have been, never will be. And sure as hell don't pretend like I am! But one thing I know for sure, is that I have never, ever intentionally hurt anyone's feelings. I am not the kind of person who gets her kicks out of being a raving bitch.
That's not to say I can't "be" a raving bitch. LOL...but it's just not my general, day to day nature!
So I was a bit surprised by this assessment of me. Especially as it refers to my blog. And even more so because two weeks ago this same person read my blog, and called me to say he thinks it's fabulous, I'm funny and talented and smart and he thinks that I am doing an amazing job with it.
And now I'm malicious and mean spirited.
Is anyone else as confused by that as I am? *Am* I that way on here? Do I come across to you guys as this kind of person? I realize most of you don't know me, however a good chunk of my readers are people who know me in real life. And I'm hard pressed to find one of them who would describe me in this manner.
So tell me your thoughts on this. Do you agree with what he said? Do I have unresolved anger issues, and should have consulted a psychologist rather than engage in blog therapy? Or do you think that perhaps he should have taken the time to get to know me
40 comments:
My first thought is that this guy is an asshole. My second thought is that he is too dumb to know what he is missing. My third thought is...oops, can't type any more because Bagman just broke both his hands....
Perhaps he read ...
Friday, April 17, 2009
I just don't get it. And I'm pretty sure I don't want to.
I will never understand men.
I haven't in the past 48 years. And I don't expect to in the next 48....
that blog you did and thought it was a direct attack on him?
People often do ...take things personally when it's actually far more general.
Anyway perhaps he was simply the man who started you dating again.
God bless your next date.
LOSER is what comes to mind when I think of him. We all know he's boinking someone in 'another' town and trying to get his kicks off as well in Columbus where he lives. You know he's looking for a little side action between his visits 'home'.
I have so many mean spirited things I want to say about him.
But Julie he doesn't know you. He doesn't know what you have been through. And he has NO RIGHT to judge you or make false comments about you. You're beautiful, smart and damn funny.
Buzz off loser. Julie can do SO MUCH better!
My thoughts and keep in mind i am biased here...cuz I love my Jules
What he first read as funny and witty and smart perhaps turned into strong and independant and some men just cant handle strong and independant...you are a beautiful, intelligent woman and I ♥ you just the way you are! I have never gotten 'you need therapy' from any post...instead i got honesty and a breath of fresh air
Julie, I don't know you at all ... in fact, I can't even remember how the heck I found your blog ... but I do know that it cracks me up daily and, based on what you write, I've come to the conclusion that you're a nice, caring, generous, funny, sassy chick!
He's an ass. Period.
Don't change a thing!
I have to agree with Danica and Georgie!-Fuck off loser-you can not handle a "real" woman-he must be into the submissive type-you are strong, beautiful and very funny and have played the hand you were dealt with quite well!-love you!
ps-I am a biker and can bring on the gang and bust out a good ole can of whip ass if you ever need!! LOL
I am new to your blog but reading through some of your posts I would never say anything of the sort. You sound pretty decent to me. Perhaps you should write back and simply say "Takes one to know one".
Some men just miss the point don't they.
CJ xx
I just started reading recently and I haven't read anything mean or malicious. I don't detect any unresolved anger and trust me I would know because I have PLENTY. Sounds like he was personally offended by something he read.
Ahhh Fuck him !!!
#1
I don't understand his viewpoint. I love reading your blog. I DO find you personally, insiteful, funny, amusing, and entertaining...and someone who is not afraid to call it as she sees it. Obviously he has an issue with this. I am a singer songwriter...and my ex has provided my group a plethera of material for songs...one called Flight 307...it is a song about a woman...who survives....and in the end...kills him. It was a therapy song for me. He heard the song...and loved it...because we originally called it...Ronnies Song. My new husband made the comment he was going to stay on my good side...he did not want a song about him....LOL...it is all in the perseption. Keep writing...and tell the jerk...Pog Mo Thoin - it means kiss my........Happy Friday girl.
I agree with the post that said some men are just afraid of strong, independant women. The thing that lures them in the beginning changes quick when THEY tried to change YOU. He thought you were funny till he felt it was stepping on his toes, even thought I don't think you were. You were just talking about men in general. If a man can't handle hearing a woman talk about a man in general without thinking it is about him, well you know what he can do.
You do not need a man like that. If he does not appreciate you for the way you are and enjoy everything about you, then he is not worth it. You deserve better than that right? I feel like when a woman gets to a certain point in life things should go your way. You don't have to settle and there is a man out there for you I know it who will appreciate everything you have to offer. Keep up the good work on the blog.
You already know my opinion on the dude!
You are a smart, capable, independent, talented,funny, beautiful, sincere, loving, kind, thoughtful, gifted,humble, straight forward, goregous, and FABULOUS WOMAN!!
You are WAY out of his league and it pisses him off that you are way SMART and not afraid to call him on it!
I only recently started reading your blog, but I find you witty and insightful. You speak from your heart and add a side of humor.
When you talk in generalities, he is the one who decides to take it personally and assume everything is directed at him.
Like someone else said, just think of him as the person who got you back into the dating game. We all have to start somewhere :) You can only go up from here!
How often are we quick to judge someone based upon a misinterpretation. There is so much to know about a person that you cannot make accusations without knowing the big picture behind it. Hopefully you can discuss it and not let it be an issue that tears you apart.
I've been reading your blog for a while so obviously I enjoy your writing and sense of humor. I think that, on its face, when he initally read some entries he too found them amusing and saw them for what they were.
I'm just speculating, but after the first few entries, maybe he went back to the beginning of the blog and started reading all of the entries which changed his view point; some things, when not taken in moderation can appear in a different light and a peripheral glance at some entries can be digested differently than the blog taken in its entirety. Perhaps he was afraid to become fodder for your blog.
You were burned by your ex and it comes through in some of your posts, but you're the the first to admit that you've got some issues as a result of that. I think it's wrong for this man to dismiss you because of what you write on your blog. Obviously you're open and honest, otherwise you wouldn't have shared this with him.
Just my long-winded two cents :)
I am almost afraid to comment on this. I tried to tell you something losely similar to this awhile back in one of my comments and you didn't like it. I know you are asking for truth, but we both know that your readers here love what they read and don't want their source of laughs (and you are so good at that!)and empathy to dry up. It's easy to say "the guy's an asshole", much harder to spend the effort to figure out what the underlying challenge really is. So, from a long time friend who feels it her duty to help you figure it out , I will only say this in this forum: I can see how a man might feel through your blog and/or personal contact that you are still pretty bitter about your experience and maybe not quite ready to move all the way forward. Have you come a long way? You bet. Are you malicious or mean spirited? Hell no, and you would never hurt someone intentionally. But, I don't think that's where this guy is coming from -- I think he just chose the wrong words to get his point across. You are still in protective mode and I don't know how long you will need to do that, but I do know that it's hard to love or be loved if the door is only slightly cracked open and you're leaning against it with a loaded gun and a lie detector machine on the other side. From my perspective, it's a shame that this healing process is taking so long that you and the man you will spend your life with are still apart. You are both missing so much. I love you, girl. I DO know what you are capable of in your heart, mind, body, and spirit. I know you will get there. It's just frustrating for you, me and the guys you are working this out on.
I think personally that he found you to be an independent lady with a mind of her own and felt intimidated by it. So it's his loss.
I don't feel you are angry (except at your ex) or anything else. Your funny, witty and strong in my book.
My thought is also for some reason he took it personally and should have stayed around longer to know who the real you is. His loss though hon.
Definitely agree that he took something personal in what ever he read in your blog and there's nothing you can do to change that. Move on. Plenty more fish in the sea.
Julie, I'm going with Penny on this one since she stated it so elegantly. I've read your blog from the beginning, so maybe I've read more than some of your other readers, maybe not. I've also sort of "known" you too, and maybe known some details you didn't write here.
Mean spirited and malicious don't fit, but I think guarded and suspicious and perhaps bitter do. Does this make you bad, wrong, or abnormal? I don't think so, but to a man who's hoping to start a relationship with you, I imagine the text of your blog could be rather scary and maybe more than they're willing to try to overcome with someone new. Can you say baggage?
The fact alone that you divorced your husband then spent a couple of years continuing to date him would scare plenty of men far, far away. To many, that screams "I'll never be over him, or what he did to me". Without knowing you personally NOW, after more than a few phone calls and a date, it might be hard for him to get past.
I think it's great that you're free to express yourself here and I think it's great that you're finally ready to move past the ex, but I honestly don't think I'd reveal this blog to a potential mate until there's more history between you two and more context with which to work. As you've found out, it's hard to read what you've written here about your past and not feel the anger and hurt, then try to figure out exactly who you are now without knowing you more personally.
And just for a minute, maybe try putting yourself in his shoes. He read your blog before he really knew you, glossed over most of it, saw your humor and figured "great, I'd like to know more". Then maybe he met you and really liked you and decided it was time to read more thoroughly. And he did. And now that he's thinking "I like her" and he's really paying attention, your writing scares him. I can totally see this working in reverse, and I bet you'd be a little scared too. Does that mean you'd blow the guy off and respond in one word emails? Probably not. In fact, being you, you'd probably drive to his house and interrogate him, but not everyone is like you. :)
If you liked this guy and thought there was anything there, maybe it's worth at least trying to work through this with him. If nothing else, it will be good experience for the next guy who may just be the one you're looking for.
@ Sue, actually he read my blog two weeks after our date. He asked about it and I gave him the link. Not doing so would have felt like I had something to hide.
In retrospect, I think many of you are right that perhaps any new guy should save the blog reading for after he gets to know me. In this case, this guy got pissed off at me for saying "I see" in response to something, as he felt that indicated mistrust and doubt that he was telling me the truth. Fact is, I say "I see" in response to many things. But he doesn't know that about me yet because in the course of several weeks of talking, 90% of our conversation was about him, not me. He wasn't really all that intent on getting to know ME, but rather just getting to know how I like to get laid!
So yes, there is some miscommunication there, but the fact is that he read my blog and found it amusing, until he got pissed off at "I see", then he came back to my blog guns loaded and ready to find some major fault with me. And he found it in his perceived notions about me and my "malicious" behavior.
Oh, and it should probably be noted that I don't consider this a big loss. He's a nice guy but lots of things with him don't add up. And the chemistry on my part really wasn't there. I may be misjudging him as much as he is me, or maybe we both have just dodged a bullet...
Doesn't sound like it is much of a loss... would you really want to be with a tosser like this anyway? I think you are funny... hang in there
I am not going comment on this guy
or what he said
cause we all know you are not
Malicious or Mean Spirited
but ..I will say
I can't help but feel
when you met this man
you had off feelings ..
a twinge in your gut
But you...
wanting to be open
you went ahead and dated him anyway
Sometimes that feeling,
is not in fear
to put your self out there
but your intuition telling you something..
Two words, screw him! I do NOT think you are either that he described. I do see that he was a bit scared, frightened, apprehensive and didn't know how to discuss that with you. His fault, not yours. I read Dr. Penny's comment and parts I think are right. When we have been burned, hurt like you have (me too) we have a hard time opening that door fully. We have our guard up, heart protected but that is normal when you have been thru what you have. In time you will fully heal and be able to open that door fully. This man obviously did not give the time to you or each other to get to know you. HIS FAULT! Had he done that he might have realized what a great woman you are. As you stick your toes back into dating, then your feet, it gets easier...its all a process that takes time. It's all good, you are a gem and some man will realize that and snatch you up. Until then screw men like that, you are MUCh better off! Love ya girl!
I think your blog was his convenient excuse. A scapegoat, if you will.
There is nothing mean & nasty in there, nor malicious.
Sadly, his cowardice led you to question yourself, even if only for a moment.
Don't let it any further. He should have manned up and been real about his reasons.
Hugs Julie. I've been reading for just a few months, but I've gone back and read quite a bit of the past in your blog. I have NEVER felt that you are either of these two things. I think too, that he wanted an escape or an excuse to lash out at you. This blog was the way for him to easily do that.
Keep your chin up and move on. He's not worth it.
"some people are just stupid." seriously, this is one of my favorite sayings because it applies so often.
it's not you, it's him.
your blog (have no idea how i got here) is funny and REAL, at least from my perspective (44 yo female, married, cynical).
don't doubt!
The "man"(and I use the term loosly) is afraid of your eloquance.
Just look at it as one step closer to meeting the REAL Mr. Right. If he took all of that as being you, then he wasn't the right one at all. He totally misunderstood the person that you are.
You are gorgeous, compassionate, hilarious and outspoken but not malicious at all.
He may have used you as an excuse for his own insecurities and hangups. Don't let it get to you. You know the real truth, Girl.
Julie...
I have been reading your blog for several months now and have found it to be a refreshing and obvously honest reflection of your life, both past and present. This is your blog, it should represent your thoughts and feelings.
Don't let the losers get you down.
I think you are very sarcastic. Like myself. And my bff has told me at times I'm harsh with some witty things I say. But they were fucking funny I tell ya. Fuck that dude. We all love you!!
Problem: He's an arrogant asshole.
Solution: Put up a sign on your blog that says "NO BOYS ALLOWED."
Problem solved. NEXT!
You are not malicious or mean spirited and neither are your readers. What you are is a woman with feelings that need an outlet. What you have are readers who UNDERSTAND that and give you a sounding board as you work your way to the top of your potential for moving on.
Vocal inflection is not heard in the written word, so there is no obvious tongue in cheek or tonal quality in the written words that express the feelings behind the words.
Having said that, it seems that while your readers "get it", this character only used your written words to build a case against you for not falling on your knees and praising Jesus for finding your MAN!!
It wasn't HIM! Now he can relax his sphincter muscles as he tells himself that you're just a bitch, and to move on to someone who can truly appreciate him.
Men's egos REQUIRE that they blame the woman for not submitting to their suave seduction.....like sliding a hand onto your leg as he's telling you that he likes to "take his time".
OK. HE feels better. YOU don't. And that's how the wrong man plays the game. Just take your ball and go play in another playground. There's bound to be a man SOMEWHERE who can look at HIMSELF honestly instead of just finding a target for his bruised ego.
The intensity of his attack is the giveaway.
My Joe is has no problems with HIS manhood, and he thinks you're a standup broad.
A guy (that I actually met on Plenty of Fish!) recently told me that most men would probably be threatened by me because I'm a strong, independant women. Well - if that's what I am, and they're threatened... that's a loss for them.
Guys are pretty clueless, and just because you are HONEST does not make you mean spirited. He just knew that he wasn't worthy of you, and figured rather than you break that news to him, he'd be the "big man" and try to turn the tables.
I like what the other people said about looking at him as your first guy that got you back into dating again. That's sort of how I look at the few guys I've dated these past couple of months. (The guy this week was nice, by the way, but I don't see anything coming of it!)
Julie - you rock! There will be plenty of others that come along, and one of them will appreciate how great you are!!
This is my first time here and this is the first post of yours that I have read, but having been on the receiving end of 'talking every day then NOTHING' many times, I would say that it really has way more to do with HIM and his fear/anxieties/inability to get to know someone/mistrust/rudeness than YOU at all.
When someone isn't nice to a woman, the first thing we think of Is "what did WE do" like it is our fault for being treated badly. At the very least,out of common courtesy, he should have said: "hey, I am not feeling it" or "no thank you" but he didn't. And that is in no way, shape or form, your fault!!
I have finally learned that after dating for a while now and meeting only jerks. (I have FINALLY met a nice one-so far!) Learn and move on! His problem, not yours!!!
I love your blog!!
I agree 100% with what Penny said.
peace
#2
Julie, you're ALLOWED to be bitter about what your ex did to you! (Did you HEAR that, Mr. Neither?) Anyone would be. The thing is, blogs and public writings are meant to entertain, and are embellishments on true thoughts, and he obviously doesn't understand that. I once wrote a whole blog on how a bee pissed me off. Did it mean that I needed therapy because a bee pissed me off so much? No, it was entertainment. It's venting. It's taking something that is a minor irritation and making a story about it for the public. I don't think you're crazy or malicious or mean (because everything you've ever said about your ex is a true fact!). I think he just took hold of a 2 dimensional thing, thought it meant he *knew* you, and didn't care to actually get to know the real you underneath it all. Too bad for him. Keep trucking, girl! I'm currently on my 23rd "guy I met online" in the last 4 years!
In reading what he said, I see a guy who's more than a little intimidated by a strong, caring woman who says what she thinks.
Don't give him another thought.
I promise, the right guy for you will support you in everything you do. You will bloom.
So don't even think about changing - much less settling for someone who can't even discern who you are.
LOL. I hope he reads this one. You are far from it, babe!
malicious and mean-spirited?
oh shut up. you are about that most entertaining blog out there...
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