This will NEVER be acceptable in my world.

I can tolerate a lot of things.

But this...no.

Someone needs to tell my beloved boyfriend that if he insists on wearing this type of thing on his feet, he will be doing so as a single man.

(NO, this is not a picture of him. I just found one online as an example of the horror.)

He tried this once. Oh yes he did. Snuck one by me. I was blinded by love, I tell ya.

This fall, when he had a comedy gig, I didn't realize until we got there that he had these frickin sandals on with dark socks.

Thank God he had jeans on to basically cover up his feet, but still. Had I noticed them, he'd have never left the house like that.

I. Don't. Do. Nerd.

I'm sorry, I just don't. I was married to a total computer geek but at least he had decent taste in footwear.

(That's one of the few good things I have to say about the man.)

So please, somebody warn my guy that if he insists on wearing sandals with socks, we will not be seen in public together.

And could you please warn him BEFORE we set sail to the Caribbean in 23 days? If he's okay with this look, I'm truly fearing the rest of the Cruise Couture.

You don't wanna piss these girls off

Thanks to my buddy Coffypot for letting me steal this. OK it's not like he had a choice, I did it without asking. I can outrun him.

27 days.

I. Can't. Wait.

Seven Years.

(Our last picture together. Ignore the wedding dress...I do!)

In loving memory of my sister Linda. There hasn't been a day in the past seven years that I haven't thought of you, and missed you like crazy.

I know Jordan misses her too. From the time he was a baby, she was his "Nina" (he couldn't say Linda when he was little, so he called her Nina, and then it sorta stuck as a description of who she was to him....as in "that's my Nina". And he was Gordo....(not really my favorite nickname for Jordan!) and I was "The Jewel".

I know I tell you guys all the time how much I miss her. I can tell you with total honesty that time doesn't heal anything, it just helps you accept your new normal without someone. I think of Linda every day, and I feel her with me all the time. There is a very big hole in our family where she should be, and our lives have never been the same without her. And I miss her like nobody's business.

So today, I hope she's in heaven with a box of her favorite red wine, a pack of Merit cigarettes, and some Carly Simon blaring on the radio, and knowing without a doubt how desperately we wish she were here.

You are loved, my dear. Today, tomorrow, and forever.

Love, Jewel and Gordo

Do NOT Try This At Home. I Repeat....DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

First and foremost...Jordan, if you are reading this, exit out of it now and go to class. This is NOT for your eyes. Trust me on this one.

Okay so yesterday was Valentine's Day, right? A day for lovers. And something crazy happened to two people very close to me..... "my friends" Angelina and Brad. (No, it's not Michael and me. I would never divulge something this personal about US in a public forum. It's Brad and Angie. Go with it.)

This was Brad and Angie's first Valentine's Day together and as such, Angie thought it would be fun to spice things up a bit during their sleepover.

So she got Brad the above referenced KY Yours & Mine as a gift. Now, according to the box, here's what's supposed to happen:

His excites. Hers delights. Together feel them ignite. What is it? It takes two lubricants to make chemistry, to make magic, to make love. An invigorating warming sensation for him. A thrilling tingling sensation for her. Put the two together for a totally new, unexpected experience. It's more exciting. More satisfying. More everything.

Sounds fantastic! They decided to give it a whirl!

Cut to their bedroom, and things are heating up if you get my drift. So there they were, all primed and ready to rock, so Angie puts Brad's stuff on him, which is supposed to generate the "warming" effect, and he applies hers, which is the anticipated "tingling" effect and off they go.

Fairly quickly Angie remembers thinking "OK, I don't really feel tingling. It's more cold than anything else." But she carries on, and waits for the tingling to start, assuming Brad is feeling the "warmth" that his was supposed to deliver. Meanwhile, she's getting colder and colder down there, like somebody is rubbing an ice cube all over her.

After about 5 minutes, Brad stops and says "Baby, I don't feel anything" and Angie was like "I know! I don't feel tingling or anything either" and he says "No, I mean I don't feel *anything*. I'm numb". LOLOLOLOL

Angelina started laughing and said "OMG, so am I! I thought it was just me! It's so cold down there, yet it's like a burning cold if that makes sense!!", to which Brad responds "Tell me about it, I feel like I'm fucking Peppermint Patty" and they officially lost it. At this point they were laughing so hard they were crying, and lamenting how their "special first Valentine's night" hadn't quite turned out the way they planned.

So after about 15 minutes, Brad says "OK let's see if it's worn off an we can make something happen now" and attempts to head south, thinking he will rev Angie up with a little foreplay, at which time she starts screaming "No, don't do that! You'll end up with your entire mouth numb like you've just had a root canal!" The visual in both of their heads of him coming up for air with a face full of Novacaine sends them into convulsions of laughter and promptly puts an end to Geezer's Gone Wild Night.

Eventually they give up on the idea of their sexy Valentine's romp, and decide that at this age, it's best to stick with the tried and true stuff and leave the experimenting to the younger crowd.

Consider this a public service announcement. You're welcome.

You give me a raging heart on.

Happy Valentine's Day, baby! You color my world with love....

(OMG, seriously....I've become "that girl", who is cheesy and sickening on Valentine's Day? Egads. For those of you hurling on my blog right now, I feel you. I'd do the same if it wasn't me who's all smushy and lovey dovey and crazy mad for this man!)

Ain't love grand?

More fun for your typographical pleasure

Happy Friday!

I am sooooooooooo trying this tonight.

You have NO sense of humor if this doesn't make you laugh out loud today!


Recently I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went down...

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:


When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said...


What's for dinner, Zorro?"

This happens to me all the time....

For those of you with iPhones, you know how easily the auto correct spelling feature can get you in trouble! Here's a few great examples of what can happen...

Have you had any funny missteps with your auto correct features?

Personalized Tote Bags – Simply Bags

Thanks to my friends at Simply Bags, I am now a stylin' bag lady!

Check out my new sexy black tote!

How cool is that? It's got my monogram and everything!

This bag is great, it's huge and has plenty of room for whatever you need to carry. I plan on taking it on the cruise with me next month!

Seriously, it will make a great carry on for the plane ride because it is so roomy, and I can stash all kinds of things in it. It's made out of a heavy canvas'ish material, has a zippered top, and a couple of pockets inside. I love it!

Bob and his wife have a fabulous selection of personalized bags on their website and are very reasonably priced. They should be charging way more for the quality of these bags!!!

Be sure to check out SIMPLY BAGS and tell them your favorite bag lady (me!) sent you.