The Merry Go Round...and the Wii.

OK I did it.

Get your minds out of the gutter...I didn't do *that*. What I meant was I revisited the amusement park and hopped on the merry go round yesterday, just for a thrill.

Wow, that still doesn't sound right. Or maybe I'm just the one with the gutter mind!

Anyway...I went out to M's house yesterday for awhile. Just to hang out and talk. He's got 12 acres out in the country, and this past couple of years finally built a log cabin/house overlooking the pond. It's really beautiful. Although for the record, I don't know if I could ever live there because as I discovered yesterday, the bedrooms have NO CLOSETS. Yes, you read that right! No closets! Who builds a freaking house with no closets?????????? There are dressers...and in the basement by the washer and dryer there are clothes racks where all the hanging clothes go. His theory is that you take stuff out of the dryer, and hang it up right there. Um okay...except that I do laundry once a week...I get clothes out of my closet at least once a day!!!!!!!!!! I also realized there are no doors on the Master Bedroom. If you are in the Great Room, you can look in and see the bed. Which, if nobody else is there, I suppose that's not a problem. But what if the impressionable 9 year old stepson is staying over? I'm thinking you don't want to be flashing him the goods should he decide to walk out the front door for some reason and look to his immediate right! Anyway yeah, so no doors. Also, if you are in the bathroom, there is just a doorway wide open that goes into the bedroom next to the doorway (with a door) that goes out into the hall/kitchen! It's really kind of messed up!!!!

OK back to the subject at hand. The merry go round. Sorry, my ADD kicked in....focus, Julie, focus.

The house has a big wrap around porch that goes around the entire house so we sat outside for awhile, looking at the pond and talking about stuff. Old stuff, new stuff, potential future stuff. The rain had stopped and the sun was coming out and there was a great breeze and stuff. It was really nice. We went in the house so that I could observe the new ceiling fan he put in the day before, which is 20' or so up in the air (vaulted ceiling in the Great Room). I was impressed that he managed to do that all by himself, and I said "How did you carry all those parts up a 16' ladder, hold them and install all at once?" and he pulled the sleeve of his T-shirt up and flashed me a bicep, and I was like "Damn! Welcome to the Gun Show!" Dude has somehow in the last 7 years developed some serious arms! And if you know me at all, you know I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE good arms on a guy. Give me nice biceps and some great smelling cologne and I am your girl for life. "M" never had arms like that before, trust me I'd have noticed! He's a pretty skinny guy, side by side we look like the number 10. Who knew there were guns under that t-shirt??

Dammit Julie, focus.

OK so anyway, he grabbed us a couple of beers and we sat on the couch and talked some more. Oddly, I was getting really nervous and he was getting closer and closer, and it started making me uncomfortable! (When exactly did I become a prude?) It was almost like a first date and I could not relax! I'm not sure what that was all about...but to make a long story short, I really appreciate the fact that he seems to be able to jump back into what we had so quickly and that his feelings haven't changed in all this time, but for me, after 7 years, I'm basically starting from scratch. Sure, it would have been fun to have spent a lazy day in bed, or just curled up on the couch together or whatever, but I can't just jump back into the middle of a relationship like that.

My same feelings aren't there anymore. I still care about him, but I'm not in love with him now. That isn't to say that I won't ever be again...he's a really great guy...but at this particular moment, it's not there for me. It has to grow, just like it did the first time around. And frankly, I'm a little gun shy now, after what I went through with my marriage and divorce, I'm not in any big hurry to give my heart away again. I'm still trying to piece it back together! So I need to move slowly, and I explained that to him and he understood and was okay with it. At least I think he was okay with it! He said he was. I ended up only staying about 3 hours at his house, even though he wanted me to spend the entire day with him. I just needed to go home. I had a lot of conflicted feelings happening and I can even admit, I had that sort of "run for your life" feeling going on....it happened right after he said "I don't want to waste time...I'd get married again tomorrow if I knew it would work out", and all I could think was that I don't ever want to hurt him but I don't know that I want to even seriously date him again, let alone get married!

Plus, we got a Wii yesterday. And I really just wanted to get home and play it.

That's probably not a good sign is it? That I'm giving up an afternoon of romantic solitude with a great guy to go home and play Wii?

Sigh.

I'm a hot mess.

So the good news is that we did talk last night for about an hour and we are going to go out with Elizabeth and Mike this weekend on a double date....so I guess I'll see if anything sparks a feeling for me...or if this one is just going to have to remain as a fond memory of my past.

Oh, and as for the Wii? Everybody should have one. OMG, funnest thing I've done in ages. My arms hurt like hell today from bowling and tennis! Jordan and I sat in the living room until 10pm last night playing that damn thing. For the record, I suck at Mario Kart.