I'm becoming more aware of who I am.
Funny thing to discover at age 47, isn't it? Or maybe it's not.
I'm not sure what has lead to this self discovery, or why. But I've noticed that I am far more cognizant of my own behaviors than I ever have been in the past. Maybe it's because most people annoy the shit out of me these days. Not just total strangers, but people I love too! I find myself avoiding phone calls so that I don't have to talk...or having textual relations only. I write that off to peri-menopause and the complete change of hormones in my body, but the truth is, I'm just a short fused, easily ired, moody, annoyed, bored, uninterested bitch these days. (When I'm not my usual fun loving, wise cracking, sarcastic, amusing self, that is!)
But at least it's not 24 hours a day. Noooo, au contraire. It comes at random moments. Which on one hand is good, and on another....not so good for the idiot driving down the freeway in the fast lane at 55mph when the speed limit is clearly 65mph. And, the people in the right lane have me boxed in behind this guy, and I'm ready to make a sharp right and take out about three cars if SOMEBODY doesn't get their shit together and move their fucking car out of my way!
I feel better now that I got that out of my system.
But seriously, I can wake up pissed off. What the hell is there to wake up pissed off about? Bad dream? Nope. Early alarm? Same time as usual. No sex the night before and no prospect for any upon waking? Well, sure...that irritates me, but I'm learning to live with it! I can have a great night's sleep (which for me means I don't get woken up at some point with my back hurting so bad that I can't get comfortable enough to sleep) and yet by the time I get out of the shower, I'm pissed off about something.
Moody bitch.
Anyway....what I was starting to say before my ADD kicked in, was that I'm at least paying more attention to self. I'm a big proponent of speak your mind. Call a spade a spade. Don't sugarcoat anything....tell people the truth. And this particular characteristic of mine has people either loving or hating me. There's not a lot of in between! This was the part of me that my ex-hasbeen hated (aw hell, this was one of many things he hated about me. If I'd have been blind, deaf and unable to speak, we'd still be married.)
So I am learning to shut up. Bite my tongue. Walk on by. And it ain't easy for me to do!!!!! Because I always want to save someone, I always want to right the wrong, or prevent people I love from making mistakes that I've made in the past. I always try to mitigate risk wherever possible (although not to the extent Elizabeth does, LOL). But at this point, I've finally realized....sometimes it's better to just keep your opinions to yourself because even though people ask you for them, what they really want is for you to tell them what they want to hear. I've never been good at doing that, and I'm finally learning that what my mother used to tell me really is true...if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything!
So when you talk to me, and you see me biting my lip or clenching my teeth or having this ridiculous smile on my face that makes me look somewhat psychotic, just know that I really, really want to say something at that moment, but I am choosing to keep my mouth shut!!!!!!!!!!!
When it comes to my ex though, I may need a muzzle. I'm just sayin.
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