So here's the scoop.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons

Finally content with a past I regret

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I'm at peace with myself

I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

I'm movin' on...

I have not been totally truthful with you guys this past couple of years about being "single".  And the reason for that is because I've been involved with my ex the entire time.  For the past five years, in fact, since our divorce.  Some of my real world friends know this, a few of my blogging buddies do, but I'm tired of hiding and pretending to be someone I'm not.  Pretending like I'm single and looking and just haven't met the good guy yet.  (OK well technically that is true, because I am single and looking, but still!)


I'm telling you this now, because the relationship has finally run it's course.  In Vegas. LOL  Yeah, most people go there and start relationships, I go there to end mine.  But it's ironic really, because we honeymooned there so I guess it is appropriate.


I should have ended our relationship with our divorce like normal people do, but I didn't. And over the years it became habit more than anything else. He gave me with someone to do things with on the weekends, to travel with, etc. It was no grand marital reconciliation, I think it was more a case of "not bad enough to leave, not good enough to stay".  

Relationship purgatory, if you will.


I've been easing out of this for months, recognizing awhile ago that we were really just nothing more than friends who had been married once and were so used to being together that we were just too ingrained in the habit to stop wasting each other's time and move on.  And the need to move on kicked into high gear back in January when I met a really great guy, and I was in no position to pursue anything because of the situation I was in. (And damn, that pissed me off!)

Honestly, the idea of dating scared the shit out of me.  But when I met someone who really interested me and I was too embarrassed to say ""Hey, I need to close this door before I can open another one, can you hang in there with me for a few weeks while I extricate myself from this?", well that's when I realized I had to change my situation and fast, because precious time was slipping away and there are perfectly great guys out there getting snatched up by other women who are smart enough to actually divorce their husbands when they divorce their husbands. LOL   But it still took me 5 months to do it!  I just had to get really, really tired of not getting my needs met, and get my head and my heart on the same page.  And that finally happened. (And yes, Penny....I mean it this time.)


Anyway....that's why I came home from Vegas early, on Thursday night. Well, that and my Mom of course.  However, her situation was not life threatening, and I could have stayed until Saturday as planned.  But I just couldn't.  Emotionally, I hit a wall on Wednesday, and I had that moment where you realize that you're really just DONE.  When I got the call Thursday morning that my Mom was going back to the hospital, I knew it was a sign from God or the Universe or Oprah that I needed to get my sorry ass on a plane back to Columbus, so I did.


And I've gotta tell you, I feel amazing.  I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.  I feel like I have been stagnant for so long, and now I'm happy and excited about what my future holds for me,  for the first time in many, many years.  I have hope, and that's something I haven't had since 2005.


I'm telling you all this because part of my "starting over" is coming clean and being honest about who I am and what I'm doing.  I've been too ashamed to admit that I was still dating my ex, so I just didn't talk about it and instead, gave you all the impression that I had no involvement with him.  I am sorry that I mislead you, and I hope that you will forgive me.  I promise not to do that again.


I am all about being my authentic self now, and part of that is admitting my flaws (and I've got lots of 'em, trust me), identifying and correcting my weaknesses, and making the changes necessary to have the life and love I've only allowed myself to dream about.  


And you know I'll blog about it every step of the way.  I hope you'll take this journey with me.