Tuesday's Texts From Last Night

It's that time again....more quotes from Texts from Last Night. Enjoy!

(502): I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.

(706): im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick

(804): god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.

(949): you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."

(410): I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
(412): I cherish every text you send me

(518): you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'

(916): do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?

(337): I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.

(816): We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.

(540): Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.

(614): Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers

(512): boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.

(651): my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego

(702): the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!

(817): she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'

(917): you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys

(904): i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.


(541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

And my favorite....

(912): I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person.

Happy Tuesday!