Haven't had any of these for awhile....

From my favorite website, Texts From Last Night

(816): They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze

(925): While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

(732): i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

(832): The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

(760): You did not just play the dead husband card again.

(215): How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

(201): I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.

(614): When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

(310): based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

(610): At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
(856): Right after we had the just friends talk..

(760): so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

(610): Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic or senior citizen of the year?
(1-610): I'm so glad i pay social security

(951): So I just googled the ten commandments... We’re fucked.

(641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

(678): How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?

(417): My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

(714): Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

(727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camouflage to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

(714): I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.

(703): just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.

(336): I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead

(484): I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar

And my personal favorite....

(518): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Oh Canada! LOL