The "Personals" scare me.

Now that I am free and single again (and it only took 3 years after my divorce to actually feel divorced!!!) I've decided to jump headfirst into dating.

Now, I haven't dated in 8 years. I went out on a couple of dates shortly after my divorce but my ex kept managing to drag me back into a relationship (at one point a couple of years ago, actually saying "Do you want to fly to Vegas tonight and get married again? Will that prove my commitment to you?" Dude, you weren't committed to me when you were supposedly committed to me! Why on earth would I ever trust you again??? Ugh. Shoot me now!)

Anyway...

I'm considering some sort of internet dating/personals thing. You know, eHarmony, Match.com, something like that. That way, I can just get rejected in the privacy of my own home and not in a public place!

It's kind of scary thinking about what kind of men are lurking out there. I want to think positively about it, and realize that my unfortunate luck at marrying a man with no emotional integrity was a fluke, and will not be a pattern in my life.

However, then I saw some real, actual personals postings like this:

Strictly business,,,, maybe more!!!!! Ok, here is the deal.
Age: 43
Location: Houston, TX

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me over a 2 months ago, I have gone out a few times on a few dates but I haven't found a girl that can fulfill my wild side. I am looking for someone that is a little more open and daring!!! Someone exciting!

So, to truly weed out the women that don't have what I am looking for.

I am making this offer.

I have a brand new coach purse, see pics below, for trade. Or maybe this would be considered a Barter! LOL

anyway, Like I said, it has been 2 months, and I need a blow job!!!

so if your not scared, and you like to be a little bit naughty. Here is your chance!!

Who knows? Maybe we will hit it off!!!!!

Dude, I can buy my own Coach purse. Thanks anyway.

Low tolerance for high maintenance...
Age: 50
Location: Florida

About my life and what I'm looking for:

I can love passionately, and at times, fiercely.
I possess a keen wit and wield it often.
I am often mistaken for Albert Einstein.
I enjoy providing unsolicited opinions.
I have a 3.5 USTA rating.
I am lean, muscular and in excellent physical shape.
I love beaches.
I love suns of beaches.
I wish I could cure cancer and other diseases.
I do not own an iPod.
I am a federale.
I am social.
I can move objects with my mind.
I can be immature, for my own amusement and others.
I am often mistaken for George Clooney.
I can behave as an adult when cornered.
I have recently been carded for beer.
I am not gay.
Scarlett Johanssen and I will NOT be getting back together.
I can drive a car with my knee.
I dig sushi and chicks that dig sushi.
I prefer a Pinot Noir or a nice, red, table wine.
Kids love me.
I have not joined the AARP.
I believe my left boob is larger than my right.
I still believe in Santa.
Resistance is Futile.

Sweetie, I can steer a car with my tongue. I'm not impressed with you.

The mind is a sexual organ
Age: 45
Location: Minnesota

Looking for a princess who is also an exhibitionist and submissive. I am 45 yrs old, 6'4" and 230lbs. I would like to meet a woman/women smaller and younger than me. By that I mean 40 or younger, 4'9" to 6'0" slender to ample. Positive & happy with themselves. Looking for a lady who does not mind leaving the lady at the door, as the sub enters. They can be shy and yet kinky or bold as can be and kinky. Involved or interested in Bondage, Blindfolds, Clamps, Candle Wax, Chains, Collar and or Lead/Leash, Oral, Pain, Role Playing, Spanking, Talking Dirty, Whips and being naughty in public. I am a voyeur who enjoys watching men and women jockeying for a better position to see what they saw or thought they saw.

Domination of a submissive does not include getting you into my 3 bedroom 2 bath 1 dungeon home two hours after we meet for the first time over coffee. Thats a gift you must earn. To earn a trip into the dungeon, you must open your mind. Your picture gets mine, as well as cam, after we have chatted and both are interested.

Wow, hey thanks but I think I'll stay in my 3 bedroom, 2 bath, no dungeon home with my self esteem intact.

Bad Boy ISO Good Girl
Age: 35
Location: Vegas, Baby

So...ya, I was thinking I need someone opposite me...I'm kind of a bad boy, but not super bad, not like prison bad...maybe a couple of 48 hrs in a cell or something, nothing crazy. I have strong morals and family values and stuff...Let's put it this way...I've always been subjected to negative stuff, I'm not a drug addict or nothing like that, either...just the way I was raised and taught to do things I guess are "bad". At least in my mind....I don't know, I guess I just want a good girl, someone opposite me...a girl that can show me the other side of things I guess...That's just how I've been feeling lately.....I'm not ugly so any response's, please don't be either...

Oh, thank God you aren't PRISON bad! That makes a world of difference!

Age: 60
Location: Virginia

I'm a financially comfortable, generous, and devoted Southern Gentleman attracted to this site by the tests, and said "what the Hell, date matching might be fun." I've been widowed for over ten years, set in my ways, and not presently interested in a LTR, but open to the possibility. Looking for email pals, kinky IM's, casual sex with local ladies or "just lunch." Some lucky winner may end up with a Caribbean Cruise or a trip to Cozumel/Vegas. I'm still sexually active and particularly enjoy and experienced in bdsm all phases. Vanilla is ok, too. Age, race, unimportant. Possession of a full set of teeth A PLUS! Drop me a line if we have similar interests.

Ah yes, Grandpa Munster hits the singles sites.

I'm Picky
Age: 44
Location: Florida

Sorry I am so honest. Thank you to the ones that send nice messages, for the mean ones, it's ok. I might not know what I want, but I sure know what I don't want.

I've been divorced for 15 years. I am not gonna settle for just anyone. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone, she needs to have a lot to offer. She needs to have her life together, no problems with crazy ex's.

MUST HAVE PRETTY TOES.

There are enough right now girls....I'm looking for the right girl.

Bitches need not apply. There are enough of those out there to just date for a while.

If you don't show a picture, chances are I will not even read the message.

Did I tell you that I love to cook too. See ya....Told you I was picky.

UPDATE...Ladies, NO GLAMOR SHOT'S !!!!! We know thats not how you really look, and if you live in a trailer, it's ok, just don't take a picture in front of a window with a towel over it for a curtain.

P.S. Still love me some toes....lol...
P.S.S. Send pic's of toes......lmao.

Dear Foot Fetish Guy, this bitch is keeping her well pedicured toes to herself.

Age:38
Location: Washington, DC

SWM has always gone black and never going back!

Yes it true I am down with the brown and down with the Sistas. I am a SWM who is 6'1", 210lbs, has brown hair and hazel eyes. I work and live in Alexandria, VA near the Wilson Bridge and not far from DC. I am a fun, positive, and spontaneous guy who seeks the same in that special black woman. How about a quiet evening with dinner and drinks or maybe dancing with a lil hip hop and R&B or maybe throw some fun down the lane of a hip bowling spot. Let's do this! I will give my all to that Sexy Sista! Can you be my equal, my queen to your king. I am very serious and not playing games. The only game I play is the game of life and I am in that game to win. Hit me up and lets conversate and get to know one another!

Wow, he's pretty fly for a white guy.

And what might be my personal favorite:

Age: 30
Location: Chicago

You Date Me, You Date Jesus

I am looking for me someone to love as much as I love Jesus, but obviously in a different way.

Since Jesus has been in my life I have found nothing to be impossible. I can do everything and anything. Except for the NYTimes crossword puzzle (Jesus can only help me so much).

I am looking for a woman ready to bear somewhere between 5-10 children. I will always work, always paint the house, water the lawn, and even cook sometimes. I just ask that you dust because I am allergic.

I am 5'11 with brown hair, slight build, no tatoos, one birthmark that looks like Jay Leno on my right buttocks (so I'm told). I have had sex before but it was with a woman who said awful things that made me cry. I do not like to make love again unless its for children. Oh the things she said and the way she took the lords name improper. Just bad dirty!!

I would like you to be yourself as God mad you and Jesus supervised. You can wear hats if you choose. I don't mind a stutter if you have one. Don't be a blinker though. I don't like when people blink too much or squeeze their eyes. I feel like they don't want to SEE JESUS. Sorry I got excited.

I would like to know when you found Jesus and where you found him.

I would like to know your favorite non-confrontational television broadcast and what snack you eat while watching it.

Please email me and I can take you out for a meatball parmigiana, my favorite (you can eat whatever you want but I'll be eating that).

Bless you.

There is so much wrong with this, I don't even know where to start.

OK so maybe the personals is not a good idea!

I know most of my readers are married, but share your personals/dating sites experiences with me. I need to hear some success stories, but the horribly unsuccessful ones are just as fun!!!!