Bachelor #1

OK, so I started talking to a guy who I met online. At first, he seemed interesting, at least his profile did. We've been exchanging emails all week, and frankly he's gotten increasingly boring as the days go by!!!!!

I'm sure he's a nice guy, but here's the deal. I do not want a man who, in any way, shape or form, reminds me of my ex. Been there, done that, have the scars to prove it. The ONLY thing a new man and the old one should have in common is a penis, and even that better be one that is only shared with me!

So what I noticed about Bachelor #1 is that he asks NO questions. Our email exchange has been like a freaking 60 Minutes interview. I ask the questions, he responds. Dead air. I ask another question, he responds. Dead air. Honest to God it's like communicating with my freaking ex! He used to frustrate me to no end with the one word responses and lack of ability to carry on even a casual conversation. (Me: "How's your day going?" Him: "Fine". Dead air. Really, is "Fine. How's yours?" all that fucking difficult??????)

Sorry, off on the Ex tangent. I swear, it's like I have Tourette's when it comes to him. His memory is like a bad twitch that just won't go away.

Anyway...

So, some other tidbits about Bachelor #1...he's 48 and has never been married (red flag!), has no children (red flag!), lives with his equally single brother (red flag!), has been pretty vague about what exactly he does for a living other than:

My job is, in a nutshell, being a jack-of-all-trades around here. I help manage people for a chunk of the day ( I have to be bad cop beause my boss is not capable of being anything but good cop ;}, dig in and get dirty when help is lacking, cover for my boss when he is gone, help insure web based orders, which we are into in a huge way these days, are being processed, be the contact for all building maintnance trades... Etc etc etc. It's a living, but I do enjoy it. Would not have been here almost 10 years otherwise....

What exactly does this make him? Warehouse Manager? He drives a Hyundai, I'm thinking he's not really far up the company ladder!

I know it sounds shallow of me, but I am 47 years old. I'm way past the point of dating someone who makes $30,000 a year. I'm sorry, but I make a good living, and I have no intentions of being the breadwinner. At this age, a guy should be well established in his career, you know what I mean?

OK so anyway...at this point I'm definitely starting to lose interest in him. Then during a conversation yesterday about liking the beach etc, I comment that my most relaxing place is sitting on the deck, just looking at and listening to the ocean, margarita in hand...and he writes back "Ditto... Except my beverage of choice would an endless, ice cold Diet Pepsi".

Uh oh.

So I inquire about his drinking habits and he says:

Long story short my father struggled with alcoholism most of his life. It can have a genetic component, so I left my more strenuous drinking days behind back in the 80's. I will have an occasional beer or rum & coke , but otherwise it is a demon I prefer not to tempt with any regularity ;}

Ah, I see.

Keep in my, my ex said virtually this exact same thing when I met him. He didn't drink because both his parents were alcoholics, and while he drank like a freaking fish up until he went into the Marine Corps, after that he only does so occasionally.

Now, I'm really losing interest. This dude, with his lack of personality, inability to understand that casual conversation requires him to do more than just answer questions (Good God, what is so freaking difficult about it???), and now this sobering statement...is reminding me far too much of dickhead my ex, and I'm ready to run for the hills. He has no idea what a turn off that really is. Pal, here's a little clue, when talking to you the only thing I want to think about is how polar opposite you are from my ex. I don't want to find common ground with the two of you at all.

So, he gets a little freaked by my "I see" response and writes back that it sounded cryptic and he hopes his not drinking isn't a problem (OMG! He actually asked me a question!!!) and I said:

As long as it's not a problem that I enjoy a cocktail or two. I certainly don't drink daily but when I go out to dinner, I like to have a glass of wine, or I like to go out with my friends on occasion and have a few drinks.

And so he says:

Just so we are on the same page here, the choice not to imbibe is my choice alone, based on the circumstances in my life. I have no problem at all being with folks who enjoy it, and i am regularly, my only obvious proviso is that they are responsible about the amount, or have someone to drive them home if they do go one or two over.....

Christ, again with repeating the ex's words. Words I might add that came back to haunt me when I wanted to go out with my friends, or have a few drinks at home. Ugh.

So, I just responded last night with "Sounds good" and left it at that.

And this morning, I get an email from him that says:

Cool. In the interests of full disclosure I should also say that I usually supply and share a nice bottle of chablis when I am giving a long slow full body massage :}

I threw up a little in my mouth.

And I'm thinking to myself, how nice that you are willing to invest in cheap wine as a way to lower your dates inhibitions and allow you to feel them up.

I've never even had chablis, do people still drink that cheap shit out of jugs? Honestly, when have you been somewhere in the past, I don't know, 30 years and heard someone say "I think I'll have a glass of your best Chablis please". OMG.

And my next thought was...clearly, your long slow full body massages must suck if you're still single at age 48.

Bachelor #1 is history.