The book has, frankly, been sitting by my computer for awhile now. It's not that I'm uninterested in the topic, but more that I haven't had any reason to wonder about the procedure!
Things have changed.
Now that I've taken that dive back into the dating pool, and actually gone out on a date (with the possibility of more to come), I realize that at some point, I'm going to get naked again.
So now might be a good time to read the How To manual!
One of the first paragraphs I read said:
All of us who are single - whether widowed or divorced, dumped or thankfully detached, or just newly resurfaced after the distractions of motherhood, career, or both - stand at the same anxious precipice. Must I, will I get back into the game of courtship? Would I want to? Can I bear its rigors? Is it worth it? Am I still a contender? Can I do it any better this time? Or at all? And since it definitely requires two to play, where do I go to find someone with whom to get up a game?
This is really a scary place to be at 48 years old. Dating was hard in my 20's. I was madly in love with a Marine from Iowa who I fully intended to spend the rest of my life with (Hey Dean, are you still reading my blog? See, you said I never mention you, so I did!) but that didn't work out the way it was supposed to. I dated after that, but nobody came along that really rocked my world.
My 30's were spent mostly concentrating on raising my son, and I didn't date a lot. I had a man in my life and he kept me busy with T-ball, soccer, the Power Rangers, and a whole host of pre-teen boy activities. Being a single mom, I knew that it was going to take somebody really special to integrate into our lives, and I wasn't sure if that person would ever come along.
When my son was 12, I did get married, thinking I had found that person, and it was going to be a good thing for both of us. In theory I was right. In practice...not so much.
When he was 15, I requested a do over via divorce court.
Now he's 18, and is building a life of his own. And I'm finally starting to rebuild mine.
So yeah, getting naked again. The thought scares the living shit out of me.
I haven't been with somebody new in that manner in eight years, since I started dating my ex. Good heavens, it's hard enough to just go out on a date, and start that whole "getting to know you" process. I can't imagine the sheer terror involved in exposing myself (literally) to a new man! I'm already thinking of what needs to happen before then....
~ I need to go tanning. A lot. If you can't hide chubby puffy cellulite, at least turn it brown and hope it fades in the dark.
~ I need to lose 50 lbs. In the next month or so. I mean, let's face it...I'm not in any hurry to jump in the sack but I'm not gonna wait months either! Life is short! Weight Watchers and the gym...here I come.
~ I have to go back to shaving my legs regularly, and not just weed whack them as the seasons change. Sigh. You married women know exactly what I'm talking about. Add razors to the shopping list.
~ Botox. Something has to stop this face from either puddling behind me when I'm laying on my back, or falling forward from the top position. In lieu of injecting crap into my face, a really tight ponytail will work I guess.
~ Lingerie. Does Lane Giant make this stuff? Are thongs still in? Are those cute little numbers with the garters still popular? Does anybody have a French Maid costume in a size 18?
Look at that list. And you wonder why I haven't dated since my divorce. It's too damn expensive and time consuming, and it makes women crazy! I know I should be more accepting of my body and stop worrying about what a new man will think. Chances are he's probably not going to look like Dwayne Johnson either right? (Dammit, you all know I love me some Rock!)
OK I'm off to read this book. I need to find out exactly how to get naked again without turning some poor guy to stone.
31 comments:
Bagman has a consulting service and is willing to provide the first 5,000 consultations free of charge. Just send pictures! Butler, however, suggests that you do not take him up on this since he will then have to be blinded.
julie...we are our own worst critics. Lighten up on you, your not so bad!
Happy Monday!
~AM
I was married for 7 years, then went through two long term relationships. After being cheated on for the last 5 years I thought I would NEVER be ready to take the plunge again. But I did meet a man and he is interested in me, just the way I am...tanned or not, and I know my cellulite shows under my shorts but he doesn't care so why should I? If the right guy comes along and can see the inside beauty and not concentrate on the outside then who cares anyway. Besides I'm sure he isn't sporting a perfect six pack like he used to!
I'm with Meg...I met a man (you know LW) the way I was...not tan, cellulite, 14 pds heavier than I am now..and my legs weren't shaven. They aren't perfect either so we shouldn't expect to be!
But you should come to the gym with me..for yourself. Not so you can meet a man. The man should love you regardless!!!
While reading the post, I never thought of naked as without clothing, but thought you meant naked in reference to revealing who you are and completely sharing yourself again - opening yourself to another stranger. Glad I continued reading. Girl, you'll be fine. Men just want a woman's body; they don't always care what it looks like (lol).
I was recently discussing this with friends - all of us married but still talking about "what if" we found ourselves single again.
I, too, agree with Meg, but I'll add that you should always do things to please yourself, not a man. You have to learn to love yourself, in my opinion, before you can love another.
It's not always easy, but it's necessary to keep growing in a positive way and to keep sane in today's world.
If you haven't read the book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" by Steve Harvey, get it now!
Ok, you need to listen to a little country music. Ever heard of the Brad Paisly song "If you've got Ticks, I've got Matches"? Trust me...men do not care about a few extra pounds, especially when the men that are available might be missing teeth, hair and sporting beer bellies! LOL. I actually met my husband on Yahoo Personals, and I have a friend that found her husband on Match dot com. That Harmony dot bullcrap...my friend said they "rejected" her because she had been divorced two times and had kids....wow, who knew there were standards for internet dating. Anyhow, my point being, there is somebody out there for everyone, and they are not always looking for the "perfect" Barbie doll...and who the hell wants to be Barbie any damn way????
OMG this is an excellent post! The whole weedwhacking your legs with the change of the seasons made me spew my coffee! Good luck to you being back in the dating scene. I was there not long ago, for the 2nd time, and it's not all that fun! But it can lead to wonderful things!
The only words of advice I can give you (I did the get naked thing 3 years ago... scary, but successful!) is Don't ever be on top! Trust me. If you need proof, Get a hand mirror, put it on a tabletop or sink. Now look down into the mirror. 'Nuf said!
I agree with AirmanMom. Women seem to be their own worst critics. If I myself ever get naked again, my wife's physical imperfections will be the last thing in my mind. I don't know about other men but at my age I am looking for a deep emotional connection and lighthearted fun. A lot of superficial stuff has long lost its meaning for me.
Interesting stuff Julie.
So much of what you wrote speaks to me. I too am concerned and it's likely holding me back. Someone told me recently that yes, I could lose the weight and then I'd meet a man who likes a little more meat on their woman's bones.
In theory, it sounds right.
I am just not feeling it.
Maybe we should get together over a couple really large hot fudge sundaes and discuss it?
Why does my self image meet with my self esteem? The two should ideally be separate.
Sounds like this book, and this man, have got you thinking! Married, single, divorced, I think we all need to do things for us. I also think most men truly don't care as much as WE think they do about the extra couple of pounds or the shaved legs! Good luck to you!
LOL, weed whacking your legs as the seasons change, I can so relate to this. Don't be so hard on yourself, chances are the guy you choose to get naked with won't be able to see without his reading glasses on, so you're safe.
Oh Julie, how I can relate to weed whacking the legs! That is why I always wear pants. It hides my Grizzly Bear side!
You are a HOT MOMMA! Don't be so hard on yourself!
U R 2 funny :)
The book sounds excellent! You know, LushEss is getting ready to have a post on our site called, "How to be Luv-uh Ready", and I think it will be just what the Dr. ordered. She's in your same situation and thinking about the entire getting nekkid thing, too.
I was thinking about sending you an email on this subject, but what the hell: I went without sex for 12 years before meeting Joe. At the time, I was stick skinny from sadness causing me to not eat for 12 years. Anyway, IN MY HEAD I was a freak. I did the magic act to perfection. Shades drawn. A piece of bed sheet held here, draped there. It's a wonder he married me. I could have been a man in disguise for all he knew! Or still knows! After marrying him, I gained 100 POUNDS!!! Had to get bigger sheets to "hold here and drape there". Now I'm no longer FAT, not SKINNY, but in my mind, I'll always be a freak show. SO......grab the sheet girl!!
Beauty is as Beauty does--or something like that.
I have never quite thought of it that way before. But it would be hard for me, were I single, to let another man into the quirkiness that defines me. That would scare me.
God, I know what you mean. Being with Mr. J, I have to shave my legs on a regular basis and frankly, I forget. A Lot!
At least the relationship is still new enough that he forgives me;)
You are a beautiful person! Woman have such a tendency to see all of our flaws, but the right man either won't see them or doesn't care that we have them. Do those things for yourself, not for some man.
Trust me, it's scary but then it's just as frightening for the men too. I mean, with older men, there's always the performance anxiety or the wee willie winkie syndrome. Don't worry about it until it happens because when it does, you know it will be with the right one.
Oh, sweet, funny lady...I laugh so hard when I come by to visit with you. You just tickle me to death.
With a personality like yours, you don;t have a single thing to worry about.
xo bj
i think you're beautiful!
No shit! The thought of new nakedness is scary as hell, but you can always start by keeping the lights off. Seriously. Let him get a glimpse of you if you get up to pee, but make sure to keep a night light on in the bathroom to keep it dim. It's the next morning nakedness that's the really scary part. I suggest heavy room darkening drapes. I didn't want my boyfriend to see my face in broad daylight, so my advice is take it one step at a time.
Of course, yeah, I think you're beautiful, too, but we're talking major neurosis here, and I can totally relate.
I'm here to make you feel better! I went through the same thing. With me it was that I hadn't been with a new man since I had put on weight and I was so worried that they wouldn't like my pudge. Boy was I wrong. Mature adult men do not care. They will appreciate your curves (possibly lumps if you are like me). My now husband says that it's confidence and a good sense of humor that turn a man on and that they will appreciate your body because it has all the right parts (rolling eyes, that's a man for you, lol).
Yeah, what Airman Mom said. We are totally our own worst critics, and men just aren't as finicky as we think they are (especially when we're worried about it). This is what I've heard anyway. Mostly from other women, but I'm going with it. And since I've decided to go with that, I've eaten more cake and ice cream. See? It all works out when you just let yourself go. ;)
I love this post...and just have to say that we are always alot harder on ourselves then we need to be.....and honestly most men at this stage of the game are more interested in what we have to offer them in other areas and not so much worried about if we have a fat roll, or two. with your sense of humor I dont think you have a thing to worry about!!! And you know what most men arent all that and a bag a chips so they dont have any room to complain about us...hehehe
I thought I was the only one that wished my birthday suit would shrink in the dryer~! My daughter is after me to date, but she is a skinny little bitch..and age 19. You are inspiring me to actually put my picture on match.com. Well, after I do all the maintenance you reminded me needs doing.
Girl, I've been married for 25 years and I still get queasy when I get naked. Granted I didn't always used to be that way and the weight gain has played a HUGE (no pun intended) part in that, but I cringe at the thought of the hubby seeing me in all my glory.
Hope your tip toe back into the dating world is a lot gentler on your soul then you think it may be. Your a wonderful and beautiful woman, dont sell yourself short.
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