I'm in between "too old for a baby" and "too young to be Grandma".

Yesterday, baby Jesse James came to stay with me. 30 lbs. of fun wrapped up in a peeing and pooping bundle. It's funny when your "baby" is almost 18, you forget what having a one year old is like.

We pulled in the driveway and Jordan came out to meet us, so I handed Jesse off to him, handed him the diaper bag, got the Pack N Play out of the trunk, along with the bag of clothes/bottles and the drum full of baby toys. Yes, it took two of us to get one of us in the house. Jordan said "How did you do this without me to help you with me when I was little???", and I said "Because whenever I took you somewhere, there was always another adult willing to carry you and the diaper bag into the house".

So, it officially takes two of us to figure out how to put the damn Pack N Play up. Honestly! Meanwhile I had sat Jesse on the couch because the dogs were attacking him, and as Jordan and I are fighting with the PnP, he says "Mom!" and I turn around and Jesse is about to dive off the couch head first. I grabbed him by a handful of pajamas before he hit the ground (Sorry, Jenny! I forgot to tell you this part!) and he looked up at me with this look that clearly said "Dumb Ass. I'm one. Don't turn your back on me!"

It was a look very similar to this:


Jordan was like "Great, Mom, he's been here 15 minutes and already you almost broke him".

So...we get the PnP up and working, and get Jesse's toys in there, so that it's ready to play in...and we begin the first round of "Watch the baby walk around the coffee table and giggle".


He soon tires of entertaining us in this manner, so I put him in the PnP with his bottle. He hangs out for awhile, decides he'd rather walk around the coffee table some more, and maybe grab a bite to eat.

Eating was an adventure. I didn't have a high chair or a seat of any sort, so I sat him on my lap and attempted to give him some Turkey & Rice stuff. Again, it's been 17 years since I had a baby this size in the house, so I forgot all about that little spoon grabbing thing they do. Well, combine Sumo Baby with a bad case of the wiggles, me holding him on my lap and trying to feed him orange baby food...and with in seconds I had more of it on me than he did in his tummy. Jesse is quite the smart baby...he knew if he grabbed the spoon, got food all over his hands, and aimed them at my face, I'd scream and pull away and he'd laugh and spit orange everywhere. Meanwhile, the dogs would try to lick the food off his hands, which was grossing me out. (We all know that I'm not a dog person, even though I have two of them) One time I tried hold his hands down while I fed him a bite, and he gave me another one of those looks..."Dumb Ass, I'm one. Do you really think this is going to work?"

(There are no pictures of eating, as I already had my hands full)

Mealtime over, we sat on the floor on a blanket and played toys for awhile, and Jesse was so tired he was about to fall over. I put him in the PnP and gave him a bottle, and this was the end result:



After a nice refreshing nap, we had a photo shoot. Fortunately, Jesse doesn't mind the whole picture taking thing. Unfortunately, my iPhone camera is very sensitive to movement, and well you know a baby doesn't exactly stay very still. So 90% of the pictures I took had blurs as he turned his head just as I snapped the picture.

But I got a couple of cute ones...



What's with the horns he's throwing me? Is that a baby gang sign?



Finally, after an hour of being a super model, he gave me this look, which clearly said "Dumb Ass. I'm one. If you take another picture of me, I'm leaving."



So I took one anyway. And here is the end result...



Guess he wasn't kidding.

Sleepy Saturday

:::yawn:::

Happy Saturday, peeps.

What is it about cold, semi-rainy mornings that just make you want to stay curled up in bed?

Maybe it was my new discovery last night that hot chocolate, with some caramel and chocolate vodkas added...really makes you sleep good!

Regardless, I've been up for an hour and I'm still yawning and stretching.

Don't have a big weekend planned, but have things I need to take care of. I'm going to babysit my cougar bait favorite baby boy, Jesse James, for a few hours today. Me + a 1 year old = practicing to be a grandma, it's no longer pretending to be the mother of a toddler! I'm too damn old for that now!

I need a guy to install a dishwasher and garbage disposal at my renter's this weekend. Can you send someone my way?

Oh, and I'm faux finishing the walls in my sister's bedroom. Yeah, it's one of my many talents.

And last but not least, I'm going to watch the Buckeyes kick Penn State's ASS. That's right, you heard me. I'm throwing down!

What's on your agenda this weekend?

From funny to ridiculous

Friday Funnies

No disrespect to my male readers (Vinnie and Anonymous, et al) but there's a little man bashing going on here this morning. It's all just for fun and you know I love you guys so don't be throwing curses out on me!

Here we go, ladies. Find one you like!!!


The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)


And the personal favorite:


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)



One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma '
And they say blondes are dumb...
------------------------------ -----------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
------------------------------ -----------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the s hower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

----------------------------- ------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
----------------------------- ------------------
* Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN (Note from Julie...this used to be my mantra when married.)
----------------------------- ------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
------------------------------ ----------------- --
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Holy shit...what's that feeling? Wait...am I "happy"??

Hold on. I'm trying to identify an emotion.

Yep, I think I've pinned it down...

I'm either happy, or somebody slipped something into my coffee this morning and this is simply a chemical reaction.

Weird. I haven't felt this way for a long time. Years. Many, many years. Oh, I suppose there were times when I was married that I was happy. I actually remember feeling quite happy on my honeymoon. But it went downhill from there.

The past three years have sucked a big one. I thought "happy" was just a fond memory.

Yet today, I woke up without that constant feeling of dread that has been hanging over me for what seems like forever.

I was actually singing in the shower. Okay, technically it was more like the sound of a pig being attacked by a mountain lion, however it was high pitched ugly to the tune of Destiny's Child "Survivor".

I have found myself thinking "up". Looking "up". Feeling "up". (Which is not the same as being felt up, however I have hope that too will come back into my life soon!)

Dare I say..I'm happy?

Hell yes I say it! I'm in a good place, for the first time in so freaking long I can't even tell you. I'm looking forward to my future, and not mourning my past. I'm excited about dating again at some point (even though the prospects I've seen so far aren't exactly appealing to me at this juncture). I'm feeling ALIVE again. I'm laughing, I'm spending time with family and friends (and enjoying it!), and best of all, I am finding myself okay with being alone.

Because..I'm not lonely.

Part of what kept me with my ex for the past three years was the feeling that "something" is better than "nothing".

It's not. Not when the something is just flat out insane. Batshit crazy. Psychotic.

"Nothing" is much quieter. Much less stressful. Much more peaceful.

And happy feels damn good. Welcome back, stranger.

Oh. Dear. God. No. Or, as I like to call it, Bachelor #6

Ok I'm not sure what to show you first...which one will have more impact and send you spewing your beverage all over your monitor.

Eh, let's go with the profile.

In my own words:

for fun:

I have been a birdwatcher since I was little. I am a volunteer naturalist with the Metro Parks. I am also a member of Box 15 - an all volunteer canteen for all of the fire depts. in the county.

my job:

I am a Courtesy Officer for a motel chain. I live here as a job requirement. I make rounds & am on call for guest concerns during off hours.

favorite hot spots:

I would take a date to a nice leisure place like O Charly's or Roadhse. for a good steak dinner.

favorite things:

I can always be found watching some kind of crime drama on tv.

about me and who I'm looking for:

Recently divorced. Looking for a lady that wants to go slow and see what happens. Friends first , then? Must be a non-smoker & have a good sense of humor. Looks aren't nearly as important as what's on the inside, although there obviously be a certain attraction. I honestly have never met anyone I couldn't make laugh or didn't find attractive. My sense of humor is dry & sarcastic. If you don't want my opinion on something, don't ask, because I call them like I see them. And you are beautiful!

Now, that being said....here's his profile picture.

Ready?

Don your crash helmets because this one is going to send you over the edge...

Here goes....



I think in this case, a picture really is worth a thousand words.

Halloween Hilarity

Back in a bit with a real post, but this was funny enough for one of it's own...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'"

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would
find offensive."

" Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, " Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "

" OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

" My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying? "

" Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, " That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Where did my baby go?

Time flies when you're having spawn.

I turned around and somewhere, somehow, my bouncing baby boy has become a man. An adult. He's now my roommate instead of my responsibility.

My son will be 18 in December, and he's a Senior in high school this year. How did time go by so fast? And does this mean I really am 18 years older too?

He came home from school yesterday with the graduation packet. You know, the one where they suck you dry financially to get all the mementos of your child's last year in high school.

Best value...Senior Package...$245.10!

Say what?

Jordan says...

NO MOTHER. I do not need a mascot tassel, a name plate, my choice of a T-shirt (only because his high school isn't a rock band and the T-shirt isn't black, mind you), a choice of Senior jewelry (necklace, dog tag, good luck necklace, large key chain, etc.), a 2009 Key Ring, personalized thank you notes, party invitations, and a hoodie! (Note, the cap & gown aren't even included in the package!)

Yes you do! You're a Senior! You need all those things!!!!

NO. We're not spending that kind of money on junk.

(We? Since when have "we" been concerned about how we spend "our" money??)

Fine.

Just order the announcements and the cap and gown. Or, you could just not make me walk during graduation next June, since I'm technically graduating January 14th early...and we can save the hassle of doing any of this!

WHAT??? Are you freaking kidding me????? I have spent the past 12 years of my life getting up early to get you off to school, juggling raising a child on my own with working every day and making sure your homework is done! I've had 1,000 arguments with you about how smart you are and why your grades aren't what they should be simply because for the last six years you've lost your homework! I've paid for proms and sports and cried over first days of school and feared summers when you were free to roam while I was gone all day. I've met with teachers, gone to PTA meetings, helped with building salt maps and Valentine shoe boxes and all the other million things a mom does for their child! OH, YOU ARE WALKING AT GRADUATION, SON! I have blood, sweat and teared the right to watch my baby get his diploma, move his tassel to the other side and throw his hat into the air. I have waited for this day for 18 years...trust me, YOU ARE WALKING.

Just pray I don't jump up there on the stage and walk with you.

So he relented, and I get to order the cap and gown and announcements, and today I made the appointment to get his Senior pictures taken.

It seems like just yesterday he was 9 months old and bounced down the basement steps in his walker, scaring the living shit out of his momma. Or when he was two and ran into the table and needed stitches above his eyebrow...a scar that remains today...and all he cared about was whether or not Blankie could go to the emergency room with him. Or when he bravely told me on his first day of school as he got on the bus "Mommy, I'll come back. It's okay. I'm not going far away. Don't cry." Or when he was six and he told my sister he could not believe I named him after jewelry, and she said "What do you mean??" and he said "You know...Jordan Necklace". (His name is Jordan Nicholas) Or the day I got married, and my 12 year old son gave a toast that had the entire room alternating between laughing and crying. He was so grown up, so articulate, and he did it completely on the fly, and I cherish that memory more than you know. Or when my 15 year old held me in his arms as I laid on the floor crying my eyes out about my divorce, feeling as though I'd lost everything, and he rocked me back and forth and said "Mom, you will be okay, I promise. We will get through this together. You've always been here for me, let me be here for you now".

That kid is the love of my life. I don't know what I did to get so lucky, but I am thankful every single day for him. I don't have to look far to see the biggest blessing I have.

I'm getting him a tattoo for his 18th birthday on December 27th. He wants one, he knows what he wants, and truth is he could go get it himself at that point. It will be tasteful, and is going on the inside of his bicep. His choice, my funding. He never lets me do anything on his birthday...never wants a cake or a party, it's never been a big deal to him, so I usually just get him whatever gift he wants.

This year, when I asked what "we" were going to do to celebrate his birthday, he said "Well, my dad and my brothers are taking me to a strip club, so I've already got plans ". Oh, great.

And why am I not invited? Come on, nobody knows strippers like I do!!!!!!!!!!!

And he says "Mother, NO. That's just wrong."

Sigh. So much for being the coolest mom ever. That's okay, I'm probably not cool enough to watch silicone being rubbed in my baby's face....

I'm swamped today

I have this whole post composed and ready to type in my head, and don't you know I am OVERWHELMED at work today? So, I will get back here later to post it, but I will give you a hint.

It has to do with this:


I was almost 33, Jordan was a month away from turning 3.

Time goes by way too fast.

Bachelor #5

Wow, so I just got winked at by somebody who's profile is titled:

Looking for a snaggle-toothed hairlip with tunnel vision. (Set your expectations low and you won't be disappointed!)

Alrighty.

And his profile says:

Hello there. I am looking to start dating after being married for 25 years. Back in the old days (that's the way me parents used to talk!) there was none of this on-line dating stuff. You just went out and smacked a girl over the head with your club and dragged her back to your cave. See, it has been a long time since I dated.

I am looking to meet a nice lady to spend time with going to dinner, movies, outdoor activities (hiking, exercising, etc.), and traveling.

I...um...well...what the hell does one respond to that?

And there's no picture.

Next.

What is this??

Come on, take a guess.



Anyone? Bueller?

Internet Dating Stories

Yeah, I've been doing my research. And since I don't have time to actually write a post today, I'm going to let somebody else's date-from-hell be my guest blogger!!!!

So I am a big girl. I am 5 ft 3 and weigh about 180. I do have an hourglass figure so the fat is pretty even distributed. But according to the height weight chats, I am about 6 inches shorter than I should be. Oh well.

So I am searching the personals for guys who mark the “Body size” not important and avoid the “must be petite” ones. So I read this guys ad and he seems to have a good sense of humor. He also states he could stand to lose some weight. I email him and we start an email correspondence. After a few days, we start the phone conversations. He would make me cry, I would laugh so hard.

We agree to meet at a small local coffee place. He said he was driving a Blue BMW convertible. The ones that look like a roller skate got pregnant. Tiny car.

I get there first, order a iced mocha and sat at one of the outside tables as it was a nice day. I see a blue convertible pull up. The door opens and I see the seat lay back. As the guy hefted one leg out, he had to lay the seat back so he could maneuver his belly out from behind the steering wheel.

Ok, I am 40 to 50 lbs overweight, but I was honest about it. This man was 5 ft 9 and weighed in probably about 300 pounds. But ok, my idea of a bit and his idea of a bit may vary.

So I wave at him and over he comes. I felt bad that I had sat outside, because even though it was a mild day and there was an umbrella, he was soon sweating like a donkey. And the charm, wit and humor he had on the phone was… gone.

He mumbled, and fidgeted but kept looking at me like I was a glass of water and he was on the tail end of a long walk through the desert. So I did it. I am so ashamed of myself, but in retrospect, what else could I do. I was sure every other blind date had coldly dumped him. And I knew he was a nice guy, just not the guy for me.

I deliberately setout to gross him out. I started to laugh too loud at the unfunny things he said. And then, and I can barely type this… I actually put my hand in my armpit, pulled it out and sniffed it.

I then started telling him this story I had heard on the radio this morning about this guy that for the last 15 years or so, had been stealing his neighbors underwear. Turns out he did it just every so often so no-one really suspected anything. But one neighbor had bought a set of very expensive panties and was very upset to have lost them. She then thought about over the years, how she had lost panties and started to talk to her other neighbor friends. They had all too lost panties

So they set a trap. And forgetting the for details now, they caught the guy. Seems he liked to get them from the hamper and in his basement, he had over 300 pairs of soiled panties.

I was laughing and snorting and I think I even scratched myself a time or during the telling of this tale. The poor man got redder and redder. Sweatier and sweatier. He then suddenly blurted out that he just remembered he needed to be somewhere else and took off.

I then heard clapping from behind me. I slowly turned around. The two ladies sitting behind me were wiping tears from their faces from laughing so hard. They knew exactly what I had done. I bowed slightly, grinned and went home.

To this day, I am sure I am his dating horror story. But in his mind, he dumped me and that I can live with, for nice guys , however overweight they may be, deserve to do the dumping sometimes.

Yeah, I can't waaaaaaaaaaaaait to get back into the dating pool. LOL. Shoot me now.

Drop the mouse and step away from the keyboard...

For the love of God, people, do NOT let me drink and type again.

Geesh.

After I had a bottle of wine a cocktail, I passed out took a nap on the couch, and I have a bitch of a headache feel better now. But after reading what I wrote when I was shitfaced mildly impaired, I've decided that I am grounding myself from the computer when alcohol is involved.

Honestly, I am fine. I was having a bad day, and I've snapped out of it. Hello early menopause PMS.

Bottom line is, he's an asshole, and he never deserved me. Fuck him.

Hell, some idiot even cheated on Halle Berry, so like people have tried to tell me for years, his wandering dick had nothing to do with me.

Speaking of which, I heard what might be my favorite new line....

"If I looked like Halle Berry, I wouldn't need a man. All I'd need is a glass of wine, a candle, and a full length mirror."

Makes me laugh just typing it.

I'm off to watch Sarah Palin Tina Fey on SNL. Rumor has it the real pitbull with lipstick is going to be on as well...

Thanks for indulging me tonight. I'll be funny again tomorrow, I promise.

Wait...I *am* funny, right?

Still nothing from #3, but #4 is on the perimeter. And I'm running!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Nothing new to report....

I'm sad to say that I have nothing new to report. Bachelor #3 has not responded.

Waaaaaaaaaaah.

I hope he's just been really busy. I know I have been, which is why it's afternoon and I'm just now updating my blog.

As for the other two, Bachelor #1 (Chablis Boy) is out of town until Tuesday, so I don't have to worry about hearing from him anytime soon, and Bachelor #2 will undoubtedly give me a play by play of the Buckeye game tomorrow, and depending on whether we win or not, I may be the recipient of more cyber flora.

I'm swamped at work today, I'll try to add to this post in awhile but just wanted to update per Danica's request!!!!!

BY THE WAY...I have Bunco tonight so I won't get caught up on everyone's blogs until tomorrow morning! So if you don't get comments from me today, know that I am missing you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bachelor #3

This one has possibilities!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's hope third time is a charm!!!

Here's his profile:

I am generally a man of few words. I am looking to take things very slow and easy. I tend to be a traditional romantic and enjoy a self confident woman who is comfortable trying new things. My friends consider me a loyal and trustworthy gentleman. I am looking for someone who is just looking to enjoy life without any of the "games". I enjoy a wide variety of interests ranging from a Saturday afternoon shopping trip to spending the day on the golf course. I believe life is too short to let myself become trapped in a tedious and mundane existence and love to try new things. I am the proud father of two beautiful children and spend a large amount of time being actively involved in their lives. When they grow up, I want to make sure they remember me for always being there as a coach, father and best friend. Some of my hobbies include golfing, tennis, reading, watching the Buckeyes and cooking and would love to find a partner to share these with. I am most interesed in finding a woman who is happy with herself and believes that a good relationship should come naturally and not always have to be a struggle.

Other noteworthy tidbits about him per his profile:

For fun:
I spend alot of time attending my children's sporting events (basketball,football or lacrosse). I enjoy the opportunity to watch them grow. In my spare time I love to cook, golf, shop and follow my favorite football and basketball teams (GO BUCKS).

Favorite hot spots:
Hands down my favorite vacation spot is Cancun, but I live for a quick weekend trip to Vegas once in a while. Locally, nobody beats Hyde Park as a great place to relax and enjoy company. I always enjoy finding new and different places to hang out.
favorite things:

My favorite things include reading, golfing and dining out or cooking at home. My favorites are; color = orange, TV channel = Food TV, author = Clive Cussler, James Patterson and Nelson DeMille. I enjoy all different types of music.
last read:

There is no finer joy in life than a lazy Sunday morning drinking coffee and spending a few hours mulling over the Sunday Dispatch. As far as novels I love fiction/adventure stories.

SO, my email to him was light and short, and just said how refreshing it was to see someone's profile with every word spelled correctly! And he wrote back:

Glad you noticed the correct spelling! It is a pet peeve of mine!!! I can't believe the poor grammar and what about proof reading???

About me... I am well over your minimum height criteria (6'4"), that is my real picture (not my best look), I love sports and coach several (B-Ball, Lacrosse), I work in a small community hospital as a department manager, I love all college football and B-Ball (but I like OSU the best). I have been divorced for 2 years and also well past that part of my life. I have two children (boy 11 & girl 10) who keep me very busy.

The downside, i can be a little sarcastic at times, but I only use these powers for good (humor).

So I wrote back last night and said:

Oh, I'm obsessive about proofreading! I guess it comes from growing up with my late sister who was a teacher. She was always correcting me and now I feel compelled to do the same! I actually went as far the other day to email a guy here, who I didn't have any interest in, mind you, but because his profile said he was looking for his "sole mate", I felt compelled to tell him he might want to change it to "soul mate", otherwise he may only attract women with foot fetishes! I felt bad for him, that other women might feel the same as I do about spelling....

I still can't believe I did that. Of course, I'm the kind of girl who would pick a hair off a man's suit in front of me in the elevator. Consider yourself warned. :) I do tell myself that maybe a guy just isn't a good typist, and it's not that he can't spell. But it's an issue for me, I'm not going to lie.

Rest assured I am not that high maintenance about everything!

I can't say that I watch much football other than the Buckeyes, but my Saturdays are reserved through the fall for them. I'm not really wild about how we are playing right now, and I hope to see everybody gel together here soon. What's your opinion on how Pryor is doing? I think he and Beanie have the makings of a serious one-two punch if we can keep one healthy and convince the other to let go of the ball and stop trying to be the running back...

Tell me about cooking. What's your favorite thing to make?

And he hasn't written back yet. And I really want him to! He's really cute, he's tall (a requirement for me!), he's my age, he seems normal. And he likes weekends in Vegas, which we all know I enjoy, and would love it even more if I were going there with someone other than my ex! And he loves Cancun...hello! I'm a beach girl! Now, there is the young children issue, but for the right man, I can go back to being a hands on parent and raising more kids. Let's not forget my shining example of this...my dear friend Elizabeth, who decided she was going to stop dating and take time to herself now that her daughter had graduated and was going off on her own...and about five minutes later she met a widowed man with 3 teenage girls (a 15 year old and two 12 year old twins!) and she has been happily married to him for a month now! I told her at the time, if I met a man like her husband, I wouldn't care if he had a freaking orphanage full of kids.

My words may come back to haunt me.

Bachelor #2

It just keeps getting better and better.

I wink at him the other day because he's kind of cute in a "Sopranos meets Tom Hanks" way.

He responds:

Hi back Julie... (and,Hi front Julie too)...*tell me you didn't see that one coming*

I like your profile, you are quick witted, which will make us understand one another quite well, if not fighting for the same quick one-liner... I like your sense of humor, just the fact that you acknowledge you have one is right up my alley...

I was divorced in August of 2007, it has been a rough one, kids involved and an ex that has done a darn good job alienating them from me, including moving them across the country to Washington state, which ironically, the court didn't have much to say about... why is that? Oh well, to say she is meddlesome is not accurate... she doesn't bother speaking for herself... she's poisoned my kids to do that for her, especially our eldest who is 16. I don't want you to run away fearing a drama, because I've done quite well keeping it from that. We don't speak at all, but, I will not stop working towards reconciliation with my children...you are a mother, I think you probably understand the premise there.

At any rate, I love your smile, your eyes are very nice and your red hair is VERY, VERY NICE... and, I love, love, love your proximity... I mean, you have a pretty nice package too.. uhm, your baggage is appealing...uhm, what you bring to the table is very attractive. The kicker... no pun intended, is the football Saturday thing... NOW we're talking icing on the cake... where have you been all my life Julie? pop the cork... Next week is going to be a doozy in East Lansing!

Let's talk... and thank you for introducing yourself... you certainly are a welcome sight for sore eyes. *smile*

So, while it's a little heavy handed with the compliments and innuendos, not to mention he possesses the ex-wife from hell evidently (red flag!!!), I decide to cut the dude some slack and so I respond, throwing out a little bit of football knowledge in the process:

Thanks for responding!

Yeah, I find humor in most things. It's the only way to get through life!

Sounds like your divorce was a rough one. Mine was no picnic either. I've been divorced for three years and took the time to get my head on straight before I decided to dive back into the dating pool. So here I am...

As for OSU...let me just say I think Pryor needs to stop trying to be a running back and stick with what he does best. It's nice that he can scramble when needed but yesterday was a sore reminder that he really is just a freshman and has a long way to go. I just wish our defense would show up more often. Every Saturday I imagine Laurenaitis is thinking to himself "I gave up millions to stay here for this???"

(For those readers not from Ohio, we're talking about the Ohio State Buckeyes, and Pryor is their freshman quarterback and Laurenaitis is a fabulous defensive guy who should have left last year for the NFL but stayed one more season to try and win another National Championship. Which probably isn't possible at this point!)

So this is his response to mine:

I agree... but, we have two things going on. Pryor is definitely a mobile QB... but, Ohio State has had to flip back from Todd as QB, pass first... run only if you have to... to PRYOR who we knew was equally as effective as a runner and a passer. He had the same amount of yards running as he did passing in High School.

So, the dilemma... we have a strong receiving corp, and, the best RB in the country. I think Pryor needs to learn how to use all of the dimensions of the game mixing long ball, Gonzo shorties across the middle and option sweep keepers with option sweep lateral to Wells and Wells right up the gut... If we can use them all and he learns the value of that option, we will look more like USC than Troy.

The Defense is a mystery. FREEMAN is playing above himself lately after not showing even a whimper early and JL and everyone else came back because they wanted that national championship chance... the way the top 10 have been toppling, we might still have a shot, but, the D has to start shutting down the opponents and in so doing keeping the O on the field to develop our young QB.

It will come... Michigan State is not Patsy... especially not in E. LANSING... and PENN STATE is for REAL!!!

How are you today?

Um, hello. I'm not a freaking sports analyst for ESPN. Reading this made my head hurt! I didn't respond. I couldn't find my playbook, so I decided to run the option. In this case, the option was not responding!

So today, he sends me cyber roses. Let me say that again. Cyber roses. Red, of course. Dude, show some originality at least. Does that crap actually impress women? Wow, he cares enough to press a button and send a girl fake flowers that I can enjoy on my monitor!! Woohoo! Hopefully next he'll buy me a cyber drink and maybe I can lick the margarita salt off the screen!!!!!

Oh, and the note with the cyber roses said:

I still can't wipe off the goo-goo grin that claims my face, every time I see your picture. You are simply irresistable. Have a wonderful day!

Next.

Bachelor #1

OK, so I started talking to a guy who I met online. At first, he seemed interesting, at least his profile did. We've been exchanging emails all week, and frankly he's gotten increasingly boring as the days go by!!!!!

I'm sure he's a nice guy, but here's the deal. I do not want a man who, in any way, shape or form, reminds me of my ex. Been there, done that, have the scars to prove it. The ONLY thing a new man and the old one should have in common is a penis, and even that better be one that is only shared with me!

So what I noticed about Bachelor #1 is that he asks NO questions. Our email exchange has been like a freaking 60 Minutes interview. I ask the questions, he responds. Dead air. I ask another question, he responds. Dead air. Honest to God it's like communicating with my freaking ex! He used to frustrate me to no end with the one word responses and lack of ability to carry on even a casual conversation. (Me: "How's your day going?" Him: "Fine". Dead air. Really, is "Fine. How's yours?" all that fucking difficult??????)

Sorry, off on the Ex tangent. I swear, it's like I have Tourette's when it comes to him. His memory is like a bad twitch that just won't go away.

Anyway...

So, some other tidbits about Bachelor #1...he's 48 and has never been married (red flag!), has no children (red flag!), lives with his equally single brother (red flag!), has been pretty vague about what exactly he does for a living other than:

My job is, in a nutshell, being a jack-of-all-trades around here. I help manage people for a chunk of the day ( I have to be bad cop beause my boss is not capable of being anything but good cop ;}, dig in and get dirty when help is lacking, cover for my boss when he is gone, help insure web based orders, which we are into in a huge way these days, are being processed, be the contact for all building maintnance trades... Etc etc etc. It's a living, but I do enjoy it. Would not have been here almost 10 years otherwise....

What exactly does this make him? Warehouse Manager? He drives a Hyundai, I'm thinking he's not really far up the company ladder!

I know it sounds shallow of me, but I am 47 years old. I'm way past the point of dating someone who makes $30,000 a year. I'm sorry, but I make a good living, and I have no intentions of being the breadwinner. At this age, a guy should be well established in his career, you know what I mean?

OK so anyway...at this point I'm definitely starting to lose interest in him. Then during a conversation yesterday about liking the beach etc, I comment that my most relaxing place is sitting on the deck, just looking at and listening to the ocean, margarita in hand...and he writes back "Ditto... Except my beverage of choice would an endless, ice cold Diet Pepsi".

Uh oh.

So I inquire about his drinking habits and he says:

Long story short my father struggled with alcoholism most of his life. It can have a genetic component, so I left my more strenuous drinking days behind back in the 80's. I will have an occasional beer or rum & coke , but otherwise it is a demon I prefer not to tempt with any regularity ;}

Ah, I see.

Keep in my, my ex said virtually this exact same thing when I met him. He didn't drink because both his parents were alcoholics, and while he drank like a freaking fish up until he went into the Marine Corps, after that he only does so occasionally.

Now, I'm really losing interest. This dude, with his lack of personality, inability to understand that casual conversation requires him to do more than just answer questions (Good God, what is so freaking difficult about it???), and now this sobering statement...is reminding me far too much of dickhead my ex, and I'm ready to run for the hills. He has no idea what a turn off that really is. Pal, here's a little clue, when talking to you the only thing I want to think about is how polar opposite you are from my ex. I don't want to find common ground with the two of you at all.

So, he gets a little freaked by my "I see" response and writes back that it sounded cryptic and he hopes his not drinking isn't a problem (OMG! He actually asked me a question!!!) and I said:

As long as it's not a problem that I enjoy a cocktail or two. I certainly don't drink daily but when I go out to dinner, I like to have a glass of wine, or I like to go out with my friends on occasion and have a few drinks.

And so he says:

Just so we are on the same page here, the choice not to imbibe is my choice alone, based on the circumstances in my life. I have no problem at all being with folks who enjoy it, and i am regularly, my only obvious proviso is that they are responsible about the amount, or have someone to drive them home if they do go one or two over.....

Christ, again with repeating the ex's words. Words I might add that came back to haunt me when I wanted to go out with my friends, or have a few drinks at home. Ugh.

So, I just responded last night with "Sounds good" and left it at that.

And this morning, I get an email from him that says:

Cool. In the interests of full disclosure I should also say that I usually supply and share a nice bottle of chablis when I am giving a long slow full body massage :}

I threw up a little in my mouth.

And I'm thinking to myself, how nice that you are willing to invest in cheap wine as a way to lower your dates inhibitions and allow you to feel them up.

I've never even had chablis, do people still drink that cheap shit out of jugs? Honestly, when have you been somewhere in the past, I don't know, 30 years and heard someone say "I think I'll have a glass of your best Chablis please". OMG.

And my next thought was...clearly, your long slow full body massages must suck if you're still single at age 48.

Bachelor #1 is history.

Oh crap, these accidently got posted to my blog. If you are a Republican you might not want to look....

But this is funny as hell:



And this just speaks for itself:

I apologize in advance for this.

Drunken Life Moments

My soulmate in drinking blogger friend Deb posted THIS in honor of reaching her milestone 200th blogging post, and as you can see she inquired about our funniest drinking stories.

I am pleased to say that I am the first runner up with my story, as follows:

Mine's short but sweet. Many moons ago before I had my son, my friend Cheri and I went out drinking and got shit faced. Couldn't tell you who drove home. I had a one bedroom apartment, so she slept on the couch. At some point that night, I evidently went into the kitchen, and was promptly sliding down the wall into a sitting position when she woke up and said "What are you doing?" and I said "Peeing".And she said "OK" and went back to sleep, like me peeing in my kitchen was the most natural thing in the world.Funny thing is, I remember doing it yet didn't wake up enough to realize what I was doing! The next morning there was a nice little puddle of yellow on the kitchen floor, and Cheri said "Was I dreaming or did you..." and I said "Yep, it appears I did". Oh well.

Cher, do you even remember this? It was my old apartment on High Street where I lived when I was pregnant with Jordan. We'd been out at Stooges that night.

Ah, good times.

Thanks for voting me First Loser Runner Up, Deb!!!!!!!!!!!!! (HERE is her big winner announcement...the hot wings story killed me!) Next time I'll come up with a better story, because God knows I have plenty of them!

Out of pocket today

I'm out of the office a huge chunk of today, so this is as much blog posting as I can do until maybe late this afternoon. Don't think I'm ignoring you if you don't get any comments from me...I'm just out of pocket for most of the day.

The "Personals" scare me.

Now that I am free and single again (and it only took 3 years after my divorce to actually feel divorced!!!) I've decided to jump headfirst into dating.

Now, I haven't dated in 8 years. I went out on a couple of dates shortly after my divorce but my ex kept managing to drag me back into a relationship (at one point a couple of years ago, actually saying "Do you want to fly to Vegas tonight and get married again? Will that prove my commitment to you?" Dude, you weren't committed to me when you were supposedly committed to me! Why on earth would I ever trust you again??? Ugh. Shoot me now!)

Anyway...

I'm considering some sort of internet dating/personals thing. You know, eHarmony, Match.com, something like that. That way, I can just get rejected in the privacy of my own home and not in a public place!

It's kind of scary thinking about what kind of men are lurking out there. I want to think positively about it, and realize that my unfortunate luck at marrying a man with no emotional integrity was a fluke, and will not be a pattern in my life.

However, then I saw some real, actual personals postings like this:

Strictly business,,,, maybe more!!!!! Ok, here is the deal.
Age: 43
Location: Houston, TX

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me over a 2 months ago, I have gone out a few times on a few dates but I haven't found a girl that can fulfill my wild side. I am looking for someone that is a little more open and daring!!! Someone exciting!

So, to truly weed out the women that don't have what I am looking for.

I am making this offer.

I have a brand new coach purse, see pics below, for trade. Or maybe this would be considered a Barter! LOL

anyway, Like I said, it has been 2 months, and I need a blow job!!!

so if your not scared, and you like to be a little bit naughty. Here is your chance!!

Who knows? Maybe we will hit it off!!!!!

Dude, I can buy my own Coach purse. Thanks anyway.

Low tolerance for high maintenance...
Age: 50
Location: Florida

About my life and what I'm looking for:

I can love passionately, and at times, fiercely.
I possess a keen wit and wield it often.
I am often mistaken for Albert Einstein.
I enjoy providing unsolicited opinions.
I have a 3.5 USTA rating.
I am lean, muscular and in excellent physical shape.
I love beaches.
I love suns of beaches.
I wish I could cure cancer and other diseases.
I do not own an iPod.
I am a federale.
I am social.
I can move objects with my mind.
I can be immature, for my own amusement and others.
I am often mistaken for George Clooney.
I can behave as an adult when cornered.
I have recently been carded for beer.
I am not gay.
Scarlett Johanssen and I will NOT be getting back together.
I can drive a car with my knee.
I dig sushi and chicks that dig sushi.
I prefer a Pinot Noir or a nice, red, table wine.
Kids love me.
I have not joined the AARP.
I believe my left boob is larger than my right.
I still believe in Santa.
Resistance is Futile.

Sweetie, I can steer a car with my tongue. I'm not impressed with you.

The mind is a sexual organ
Age: 45
Location: Minnesota

Looking for a princess who is also an exhibitionist and submissive. I am 45 yrs old, 6'4" and 230lbs. I would like to meet a woman/women smaller and younger than me. By that I mean 40 or younger, 4'9" to 6'0" slender to ample. Positive & happy with themselves. Looking for a lady who does not mind leaving the lady at the door, as the sub enters. They can be shy and yet kinky or bold as can be and kinky. Involved or interested in Bondage, Blindfolds, Clamps, Candle Wax, Chains, Collar and or Lead/Leash, Oral, Pain, Role Playing, Spanking, Talking Dirty, Whips and being naughty in public. I am a voyeur who enjoys watching men and women jockeying for a better position to see what they saw or thought they saw.

Domination of a submissive does not include getting you into my 3 bedroom 2 bath 1 dungeon home two hours after we meet for the first time over coffee. Thats a gift you must earn. To earn a trip into the dungeon, you must open your mind. Your picture gets mine, as well as cam, after we have chatted and both are interested.

Wow, hey thanks but I think I'll stay in my 3 bedroom, 2 bath, no dungeon home with my self esteem intact.

Bad Boy ISO Good Girl
Age: 35
Location: Vegas, Baby

So...ya, I was thinking I need someone opposite me...I'm kind of a bad boy, but not super bad, not like prison bad...maybe a couple of 48 hrs in a cell or something, nothing crazy. I have strong morals and family values and stuff...Let's put it this way...I've always been subjected to negative stuff, I'm not a drug addict or nothing like that, either...just the way I was raised and taught to do things I guess are "bad". At least in my mind....I don't know, I guess I just want a good girl, someone opposite me...a girl that can show me the other side of things I guess...That's just how I've been feeling lately.....I'm not ugly so any response's, please don't be either...

Oh, thank God you aren't PRISON bad! That makes a world of difference!

Age: 60
Location: Virginia

I'm a financially comfortable, generous, and devoted Southern Gentleman attracted to this site by the tests, and said "what the Hell, date matching might be fun." I've been widowed for over ten years, set in my ways, and not presently interested in a LTR, but open to the possibility. Looking for email pals, kinky IM's, casual sex with local ladies or "just lunch." Some lucky winner may end up with a Caribbean Cruise or a trip to Cozumel/Vegas. I'm still sexually active and particularly enjoy and experienced in bdsm all phases. Vanilla is ok, too. Age, race, unimportant. Possession of a full set of teeth A PLUS! Drop me a line if we have similar interests.

Ah yes, Grandpa Munster hits the singles sites.

I'm Picky
Age: 44
Location: Florida

Sorry I am so honest. Thank you to the ones that send nice messages, for the mean ones, it's ok. I might not know what I want, but I sure know what I don't want.

I've been divorced for 15 years. I am not gonna settle for just anyone. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone, she needs to have a lot to offer. She needs to have her life together, no problems with crazy ex's.

MUST HAVE PRETTY TOES.

There are enough right now girls....I'm looking for the right girl.

Bitches need not apply. There are enough of those out there to just date for a while.

If you don't show a picture, chances are I will not even read the message.

Did I tell you that I love to cook too. See ya....Told you I was picky.

UPDATE...Ladies, NO GLAMOR SHOT'S !!!!! We know thats not how you really look, and if you live in a trailer, it's ok, just don't take a picture in front of a window with a towel over it for a curtain.

P.S. Still love me some toes....lol...
P.S.S. Send pic's of toes......lmao.

Dear Foot Fetish Guy, this bitch is keeping her well pedicured toes to herself.

Age:38
Location: Washington, DC

SWM has always gone black and never going back!

Yes it true I am down with the brown and down with the Sistas. I am a SWM who is 6'1", 210lbs, has brown hair and hazel eyes. I work and live in Alexandria, VA near the Wilson Bridge and not far from DC. I am a fun, positive, and spontaneous guy who seeks the same in that special black woman. How about a quiet evening with dinner and drinks or maybe dancing with a lil hip hop and R&B or maybe throw some fun down the lane of a hip bowling spot. Let's do this! I will give my all to that Sexy Sista! Can you be my equal, my queen to your king. I am very serious and not playing games. The only game I play is the game of life and I am in that game to win. Hit me up and lets conversate and get to know one another!

Wow, he's pretty fly for a white guy.

And what might be my personal favorite:

Age: 30
Location: Chicago

You Date Me, You Date Jesus

I am looking for me someone to love as much as I love Jesus, but obviously in a different way.

Since Jesus has been in my life I have found nothing to be impossible. I can do everything and anything. Except for the NYTimes crossword puzzle (Jesus can only help me so much).

I am looking for a woman ready to bear somewhere between 5-10 children. I will always work, always paint the house, water the lawn, and even cook sometimes. I just ask that you dust because I am allergic.

I am 5'11 with brown hair, slight build, no tatoos, one birthmark that looks like Jay Leno on my right buttocks (so I'm told). I have had sex before but it was with a woman who said awful things that made me cry. I do not like to make love again unless its for children. Oh the things she said and the way she took the lords name improper. Just bad dirty!!

I would like you to be yourself as God mad you and Jesus supervised. You can wear hats if you choose. I don't mind a stutter if you have one. Don't be a blinker though. I don't like when people blink too much or squeeze their eyes. I feel like they don't want to SEE JESUS. Sorry I got excited.

I would like to know when you found Jesus and where you found him.

I would like to know your favorite non-confrontational television broadcast and what snack you eat while watching it.

Please email me and I can take you out for a meatball parmigiana, my favorite (you can eat whatever you want but I'll be eating that).

Bless you.

There is so much wrong with this, I don't even know where to start.

OK so maybe the personals is not a good idea!

I know most of my readers are married, but share your personals/dating sites experiences with me. I need to hear some success stories, but the horribly unsuccessful ones are just as fun!!!!

How to leave comments in one easy lesson.

Thanks to my blogging buddy Megryansmom , I am giving you explicit directions today on how to comment. (She told me I could steal it, would I be stupid enough to link to her blog if I didn't have permission??? She'd break my kneecaps!)

Unfortunately, I'm not smart enough to figure out how to get the entire post over here with pictures. So do me a favor, just go to HER blog, read HER post, leave HER a comment, and then come back here and leave me some as well!

I have just taken lazy to a whole new level.

Darlene aka Travel Girl...come here, sweetie.

Where is your blog? I miss you!

Seriously???? Who searches for that???? And finds ME?

OK so somebody did a Google search for:

I want to watch my mother in law nude

And they got directed to MY blog??????????????????????? Seriously!

Now granted it takes a warped person to even search for that. But then again, "someone I used to know" (who I never mention by name here!) had an affair with his own mother-in-law during and after his first marriage (yes folks, you read that correctly) so I guess there are some pretty fucked up individuals out there. However, I've never talked about that here, so I'm still stumped as to how somebody does a search and gets to this blog that way!

Geesh.

Things are calming down. I think.

So, while it started out to be a bit of a crazy week, things seem to be calming down some now.

My old tenant moved out of my condo, although I just discovered he left me with a $155 water bill. He did at least leave it in great shape, so there wasn't much I had to do other than clean the carpets. Got the new tenant her keys yesterday and she's moving in this weekend. So basically I managed to not have to pay any money out of pocket for mortgage on this place, and I'm good to go for at least another year unless she breaks her lease for some reason. She's on a lease option so ideally she'll buy it in the next 12 months.

I hate landlording. I have owned this condo since 1994, and because of the area it's located in, the property values have doubled since I bought it. I lived there for 10 years, and then moved 5 months after I got married when the ex and I bought my dream house (I talked about it in this post). Little did I know I would only be in that house for a year and a half before I had to run for my life.

I guess I should be happy that I didn't sell the condo when we moved into our house, because my ex would have gotten half of the equity in it, and let's face it, he took enough from me at the end of our marriage as it is. At least I came out of it with that, even though now I own two houses and have to be a landlord. As most of you know, a year after my divorce my tenant at that time trashed my condo to the tune of $6,000 in repairs and another $11,000 in mortgage payments for almost a year while I tried to sell it. I had no choice but to get another renter in there or I was going to go bankrupt. So I did, and he was supposed to buy it and didn't, and now I have yet another renter and still haven't sold the damn thing. But I have a good feeling about this girl, and I think this time I have a true buyer.

In other news...

I'm really enjoying life without all the drama my ex causes. Not seeing or talking to him is WONDERFUL. I'm free finally!!!!!!!!!!! It's been a long time coming, and after his maniacal rantings via text last weekend, I realize that even trying to be his friend is impossible. He is not stable. (And if you saw his follow up email to me on Tuesday, you would understand why I say that) I made the decision when I was having police patrol my house last Saturday, to cut all ties with him no matter what. Even if that means it affects my relationship with his mother, then so be it. My first priority is protecting myself and my son.

And yes, Cheri...I cancelled my Vegas trip. I couldn't get my airfare refunded because I had booked it using the free ticket I got for getting bumped off my flight in April coming home from Vegas, but I don't care. There was too high of a price to pay physcially, mentally and emotionally for that free trip back to Vegas with him. He'd have probably buried my body out in the desert somewhere anyway.

So, who's got big plans this weekend?

Definitions of Text

Perhaps my new favorites. I made them up in my head but I'm sure someone else has already thought of them as well!

Textual Harrassment - What I get from my ex.

Textual Relations - What I occasionally have with a friend!

LOL...I'm a sick woman.