What day, who's face and is sex involved?

Seriously, I slept so soundly that I woke up having NO idea what day it was. I laid there thinking...okay, can I go back to sleep, or do I have to go to work? And if I have to work, exactly what day IS this? Is it Friday yet?

What's with the waking up like you've been in a freaking coma? Is this a product of age, stress, nobody to keep me up at night...what?

And can somebody tell me why *everything* hurts when you get out of bed? My body literally creaks. It's like I've become a wood floor and somebody is walking on me. Hell my days of being able to sneak up on anybody are long gone. You can hear me coming from two rooms away.

And *where* does all the gas come from? You ladies know exactly what I'm talking about so stop laughing. I never used to be like this. My mother was like this though! She'd wake up, and toot all the way down the hall to the bathroom every single morning. And I would laugh, and think "I can't believe she just let's it fly like that!"

Well, I *could* do the same thing. I try not to, because I don't want to wake my son up. But damn, I'm like one big ball of gas when I get out of bed. If I let it all fly it would sound like firecrackers going off or something. What the hell causes that when you get older????

Oh, and seriously...I want my face back.

Whoever took it and replaced it with this blotchy, puffy, jowled, creviced, wrinkly, shopping bag sized bags-under-the-eyes, dark eye circled, weird red marks, doubled chinned lump of flesh with a sheet imprint on one cheek, needs to return it pronto.

I'm never going to get a date with the one you left it's place when you stole my youth real face while I was in the aforementioned blissful sleep.

Trust me, NOBODY wants to see this face looking up at them during sex...or God forbid, looking down. Seriously. Have you ever actually seen what you look like when you're on top, and you think you've got this sexy "Oooh, yeah baby" look on your face as you're bent over your man? Go lay a mirror on your bathroom sink, bend over it and look. You will never be on top again.

On top, you get the saggy face thing. On bottom, you get boobs in your armpits. There is no sexy position at my age. Well, maybe from behind. But you've gotta really be bent over far to stretch out the cellulite in your ass and make it look smooth.

Evidently, if I ever get laid again, it's going to have to be during a black out.

I'm going back to bed now. It's less depressing.