I know I haven't written for awhile, but I thought this was a good year for us to reconnect. We've had a bit of a tumultuous past, you and I, but as I've grown up and matured, I have come to realize that I shouldn't expect to find happiness with a guy who travels with reindeer and plays with elves.
So, I want to take this opportunity to tell you that I forgive you for that whole Barbie Dream House debacle of 1969. Even though I was very specific about what I was looking for....the beautiful pink 4' tall model, 12 rooms, a master bath jacuzzi big enough for Ken and Barbie, three car garage for the Barbie Dream Car, Ken's Jeep, and a guest spot...I know it was too big to fit under the tree but if you recall I asked that you please put it on the left side of the tree so that as I ran into the room on Christmas morning, it's the last thing I saw.
Santa, you sat right there in the mall, looked me in the eyes and said "Julie, your Christmas will be dreamy...ho ho ho". Dreamy = Dream House in my 8 year old eyes.
Imagine my surprise when, in lieu of a beautiful Barbie Dream House on Christmas morning, I woke to find some horrible Barbie head with hair that you pulled out of her skull so it "grew"! Oh, and then you applied neon blue eye shadow to her eyes and this sticky gross "lipstick" in a God awful shade of pink to her clearly collagened lips. Seriously? This was your idea of my Barbie dream????? For years I refused to wear my hair in a ponytail for fear somebody was going to pull on it and I'd end up with yellow plastic hair down to my ass.
I digress. The reason for this letter is that I'd like us to make amends with each other. Let's call a truce, shall we? Obviously I haven't asked for a lot this past 30 years. But this year, there is something I really, really want, and I think you and I can work together to make it happen.
What I'm looking for this year is a great guy. Let's face it, after my ex, my bar is set pretty low. He is NOT a hard act to follow. I have a list of the specific qualities I'm looking for in a romantic partner which I will forward to you later, however to summarize I'm just really asking for the important things...passion, honesty, integrity, a sense of humor, financial stability, romance, etc. He can be a good solid 5 in the looks department, because frankly I consider myself about a 6 on most days, and you know that women always want to be the pretty one in a relationship.
Please note...I have a 4' tree. Please, please, please...do not attempt to put him under it. I'm not looking to date a midget.
If you can find it in your heart to grant my Christmas wish this year, I promise I will forget all about the Barbie Dream House.
Love,
Julie
P.S. If you could make him well endowed, that would really sweeten the deal. Thanks.
18 comments:
Thanks for giving me my laugh this morning. I hope you find what you're looking for standing next to your tree. Oh and btw, if it works, please let us all know.
at least santa showed up at your house when you were a kid... he only started showing up at mine in the past 3ish years :p
Great letter, which reminds me I have to work on Santa's letter to TOF. I'm suffering from mental block :(
Too funny...
Julie, Thanks for making me smile. I am also a 47 year old single Mom / Grandma now! Finding your blog has helped me realize I'm not the only one out there. Sometimes I feel like I am! I love your sense of humor!
Love the laugh!
I hope all of your dreams and wishes come true this year.
You forgot to mention he shouldn't have a funny name.
And I swear, all Santa has to do is stop by here and grab Mike. He's all yours.
Why can I not GIVE this man away??
LOL. Oh girl, you are too funny. I'm cracking up over here. Thanks for the laughs:-D
I hope you get your gift if not by xmas, then at least sometime in the near future.
Much love to ya!
I will be back to read your blog, strictly business right now :)
I wanted to stop by and remind you that the deadline to ship the Secret Santa Gift is December 10th. Please send Georgie or I a email amydoo @ sbcglobal . net and give us the Delivery Confirmation Number. Gifts are being received as we speak so you can check out the posts on our blogs to see the latest. If you have received a SSS gift please leave either of us a comment and just write received in it somewhere
may all your christmas dreams come true with a super big weinie!
Ha Ha Ha Ha....thank you for the laugh.
Perhaps you should sweeten the deal with some yummy snack for Santa on Christmas Eve. Just say no to the Rated-G cookies and milk. Jack Daniels and a steak?
I hope you find your Christmas wished sprawled out naked on your couch with a red bow tied on....well you know :)
You inspired me to write my own letter, thanks for the idea.
I choked on my coffee.
I will never learn. Drinking coffee + Jules blog = coffee in my nose.
Which way to Columbus??
OMG!! That has got to be the best!! I really hope your find your man-you soooo deserve him-cracking up about the part do not leave him under my tree!!!! Let's just hope he leaves the best part in your stocking!!!
Be careful...Santa is a granter of many wishes!! You may want to ask that Santa sneak him into bed with you so he can give you the very first merry christmas kiss!!
You are so funny - midget or no.
Post a Comment