More fun shit to ponder

You know I always love a good ponder. Got these in an email a few weeks ago and have been saving them for brain cramp day. Tada! Today's the day I have nothing better to blog about!!!!

Enjoy!

• A day without sunshine is like night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• Remember, half the people you know are below average.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
• Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
• Speed of Light? OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

This kind of crap would happen to me.

OMG, this is hilarious. Fair warning, keep the sound down if you're at work!

There is something seriously wrong with me

Ok so do you watch Survivor? If you know me, you know I'm a reality showholic, and I've never missed a season of this show in particular.

So this season, there is a guy on the show named Russell.

He's an asshole.

And yet, I find him attractive.

I know, right?  Those of you who watch are now screaming at your computer screen saying "Dear God, help this woman because she has clearly lost her frickin mind".

The dude is like 5'6" (I'm 5'9), he's built like a fire plug, sorta like Barney Rubble without the blonde hair.   I never *ever* have been attracted to men shorter than me.  The last thing I ever want to do is find myself looking down to kiss a man. 

And seriously, he is truly a dick.  It's ridiculous.  What a controlling ass.

And yet....I've got chick wood for him.

I think it's the Southern accent.  I've always had a thing for accents.  He's got this Texas drawl that I find soooooooooo sexy.  Clearly, I need to meet a man from the South!

And he's all man, I gotta give him that.  There's no tender sensitive "in touch with his feminine side" thing going on with this dude.  He's walking testosterone.

I'm not sure if I'm so hard up for male attention that someone like this would catch my eye or what.  Scares me to think what kind of guy I may end up dating one day.

Seriously, I have got to get out more before I end up dating a midget or something.  What the hell would I do with a man who only comes up to my waist?

Oh, wait....

I'm not done yet!

I'm a little obsessed with crazy pumpkin pictures, so here's a few more of my favorites!!!!

Geez, bite my head off, will ya?

The Bulimic Pumpkin....

Copping a feel...

Would you like fries with that?

OK now, who's gonna roast some pumpkin seeds for me?

Semi-Wordless Wednesday **UPDATED**

Yay! Becky is my 300th follower!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you!!!!

******************************************

You know I can't blog without a word. So here's the wordless part:

And here's the wordy stuff:

Look at my followers. I have 299. Who's gonna be 300??????? Come to mama, baby.

Pumpkin Butt

Aw hell no.

No, before any of you ask, that is *NOT* my ass.

Sorry, guys.

But wait!!!!!

I don't want to be accused of discrimination...

Ah. Much better.

You're welcome, ladies.

What to be for Halloween?

 

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a package with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small package and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Ah, Dr. Penny sends me some good ones....

Six Pack Sunday

Don't get excited, it was just a line to draw you in. I couldn't drink an entire 6 pack and still type if I tried.   I could, however, keep my hands on one like this for hours at a time.

Really sad to think my days of being close to a man's body that looks like that are over.  Not many 50 year olds with a six pack like that, eh? 

Anyway, just recycling an old blog post from 2008 called "Six Random Things About Me" since today is my Sunday Rewind day.

Here you go!

1. I have taken college courses in every decade since the 70's. Yes, I'm that old, and still degreeless.

2. I used to emcee a male revue and also ran my friend's Strip-A-Gram business. There are worse things than looking at naked men and getting paid for it.  (Thus the reason for the above picture....remembering the glory days!)


3. I was a bartender at a place called the Side Door in Lancaster for several years in the 80's. (I think it was the late 80's....most of that decade is still a blur!)

4. I write, eat, and put makeup on with my left hand. Everything else, I do with my right, such as bat, bowl, hold the hair dryer, use a mixer, cut with scissors, etc.

5. I secretly wish I could sing and have always wanted to take voice lessons. However if you have ever heard me, you know there isn't a voice teacher in the world who could make me sound good.

6. I almost broke my back bowling. True story.

Your turn.

This is why I don't vlog....

Hilarious.

Think I'll stick with my unhumorous blogging.

My son has a new job.....should I be concerned?

So, Jordan works as a projectionist at a movie theater.

Projectionist = Booth

Needless to say, his schedule at work shows that he works certain hours that are the booth shift.

Until now.

This week he's working this shift:

Evidently his job just got really fun.

Should I be concerned?

I mean, a six and a half hour booty call is going to be exhausting for the poor guy, isn't it?!?!?!?!?!

Thank God he's still young.

I'd be exhausted after 6 1/2 minutes.

Who knew DUI's were so funny?

Now, this is some hilariously funny stuff. At one point I laughed so hard I snorted. LOL

Enjoy!

Football finally makes sense.

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it, ' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents. '

Dumbfounded, her date asked, ' What do you mean? '

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Rejection at it's finest

So evidently somebody thought I was funny enough to be nominated to be part of Humor Bloggers. Thanks for whoever did that.


However, I received this email from them yesterday

Thank you for your interest in Humorbloggers.com. Your request for a membership was not accepted at this time.


There are several areas that are reviewed by the private membership panel. They look for an established blog, number of comments per post, consistent humor with the sole intent to be humorous. Consistency in posting is important-not the number of post per week.


Other factors also are looked at in determining whether the panel thinks the blog falls within guidelines of HBDC.


Thank You
humorbloggersdotcom
Membership

Gee, there's one for the rejection books.


Hell, if I'd known my blog was under humor scrutiny, I'd have made my recent posts about being too sick to go to Dallas hilarious. Then I could have avoided the "Sorry lady, you just aren't funny enough for us" slap in the face.


I guess the "panel" isn't made up of mid-40's men looking for a hot divorcee, eh?

Crazy weekend ahead.

Probably won't be blogging this weekend, as it's going to be a busy one. My boss is wedding planning for his brother-in-law and bride, so we've spent most of today cutting the heads off mini button mums and then hot gluing the flowers to styrofoam balls. Not sure what all these flower balls are for, but it will be gorgeous in the end.

For the wedding tomorrow, I'm acting as chauffeur. That's what I get for having the biggest, nicest car.

So much for fun at the open bar reception.

Wouldn't look good if the chauffeur needed to pass a breathalyzer to drive them to their hotel afterwards, eh?

What are your plans for the weekend?

Live....from Las Vegas!!!!!

My dear friend Vegas Linda Lou is my guest blogger today....please welcome her to the 47 Stage with a fantastic round of applause, standing ovation, and cheers from the crowd!!!! Take it away, Linda!!!!

Hey, everybody!

Man, do I have something to get off my chest, but it’s one of those things that I probably shouldn’t post on my own blog, so I asked Julie if I could rant on her site Like a good BFF/twin separated at birth, she was happy to oblige.

Here’s the story. As you may have read right here, last Saturday was my birthday. On Tuesday our office admin came over to my cubicle with a birthday card for me. (I know,Tuesday, right?) Anyway, the card was signed by a bunch of my co-workers who share my area of the cube farm and their sentiments were lovely. ”You’re so much fun to work with.” “You’re the coolest.” That kind of stuff. (All true, I might add.)

So I’m reading the card, getting a kick out of what everyone said, and then I see what our company’s CEO wrote:

H.B.

E.P.


“E.P.” are his initials, so I take it the “H.B.” must stand for “Happy Birthday.”

H.B.? Does anything say, “I could not give one shit about the people who work for me” more than that? Why not just mark it with a bloody “X"?

WTF, E.P.? R U so GD busy U can’t F-in’ write out “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”??? Jesus H, take the extra three seconds, big guy!

I M so not LOL.

Aaaah, thanks Julie! I feel better now.

XOXO

L.L.

You are welcome, darlin, any time. Please leave my girl lots of comment love, and don't forget to tip your blog host waitress on your way out. Someone's gotta pay for my rehab.

A non-Hallmark moment and I'm feeling all sentimental.

So yesterday I come home, feeling all kinds of crappy (again! was feeling better but now not so much) and I had this beautiful card in the mail:

It's from my dear friend Dana at Life is Good. She makes these amazing cards, and I have been lucky enough to receive more than one. In fact I have them displayed on my shelf in the living room. There isn't a damn thing for sale at Hallmark that comes close to how pretty her cards are.

The last one she sent me was so cute, on the front it said "Friends are the flowers in the garden of life", and inside it said..."You're standing on my flowers, bitch".

God, I love that woman. She gets me, and I get her.

Dana and I got to know each other last year because I was her Secret Santa in the exchange we did among bloggers. We have become good friends, and when she and Joe finally stop lollygagging around in Florida and move back to Indiana, I'll be paying them a weekend visit. I can't wait.

So this, my friends, is why you should click on the Secret Santa link to the right and get involved in our exchange! You might make a lifelong friend....and if you're lucky she'll be a really talented artist too!

Thank you for the beautiful card, Dana. Tell Joe I said to give you a little something extra special tonight, ok? (And I don't mean a ride to the casino!)

Tuesday's Texts From Last Night

I can't help it. They make me laugh out loud.

(512): They should make Jack Daniels chap stick

(541): I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.

(248): so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision

(262): I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
(715): Worst stoner tragedy.

(347): Leave Me Alone
(573): At least least me cry on your voice mail

(541): I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people

(210): I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling..

(864): u downloaded tardy 4 the party
(864): then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record

(859): Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.

(828): As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

(608): imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

(949): Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s

(315): I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"

(508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

(937): We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve

(623): listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
(202): Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.

(865): is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

(864): After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!

(859): make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

(515): I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there

(504): I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation

(914): Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.

It's that time again....and other updates.

If you look to the right, you'll see the link to Georgie's 2nd Annual Secret Santa Exchange. We did this last year and it was a lot of fun. I hope you'll join us this year and let's make this a great time for all! You can click on the Secret Santa button and it will take you to Georgie's blog for details.

I wanted to show you a couple of pictures of my favorite subject...my son! I had to buy him new jeans yesterday....he is in a size 32 now! Down from a 40 back in April. He has lost an incredible 74 lbs so far. Doesn't he look amazing?  (Click on the picture to see a bigger one.)  

I put the second picture here to show that he really does eat.  Right after this was taken he ate three bowls of chili that I made for dinner.  LOL  He was happy that his jeans still fit after that!!

Now, if only his mama could lose that same amount of weight.  My 31 lbs seems paltry by comparison to what he's accomplished.


I'm feeling better ~ cold wise ~ but now my damn back is killing me.  Ugh.  It's been hurting ever since I was in Vegas last month and walked so much.  I think the arthritis kicked in big time.  So I'm hoping now that I'm finally feeling better, I can get back to my strength training and exercising and my back will settle down too.


Jordan is getting ready to hopefully (fingers crossed) enroll at the University of Cincinnati either winter or spring quarter.  In preparation, he's selling off several of his prized possessions!  He's getting rid of his XBox 360, along with Rock Band with drums and two guitars, Guitar Hero 2, Gears of War, and Halo 2, and several other games that go with it, plus his Squire bass guitar and Rumble 60 Amp.   I think he wants $200 for the XBox and all games, and $300 for the guitar and amp.  Everything is like brand new, he's taken great care of it all, so if anyone is interested, let me know.


I talked to Deb and Jill this weekend, and they are having all kinds of fun without me.  Bitches.  They should be sitting around the kitchen table, crying in their "Lost Girls Weekend" drinks (yes, those tramps have created their own drink to commemorate how much fun they are having while I stayed here coughing up a lung!) but noooooooo....they just went on and had a blast anyway.  When last I tuned in, they were going karaoke'ing and Jill was in need of a new liver.  Sigh.  Evidently Deb Does Dallas in an intoxicating way!


How was your weekend?

It's a big day in blog world!

It's my dear friend Vegas Linda Lou's birthday!!!!!  Please take a minute to go to her blog and wish her a happy birthday today, will you?  

She's the best.  When I went to Vegas back in May to meet her, we had such a good time.  We really are sisters separated at birth by a couple of years and different parents!    Here's a picture of Darlene (Travel Girl), Linda and me from that trip.

In other news, I'm feeling a little more human today.  Head finally starting to clear up.  I can actually breathe out of one side of my nose now.  Yay!  

Public health warning

This blog may be hazardous to your health.

Cover your mouth and back slowly out of this window.

Germs are rampant.   Cough, cold and flu season abounds.

It's contagious in 47 Land. 

Save yourself!  Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit button.

A-a-a-ah-chooo!!!!!!  ::::blows nose::::

Well, too late.

I warned you. 

Go wash your hands, take 2 Tylenol and visit me again tomorrow.  I might feel like posting again by then.  

Or I may still be having a torrid affair with my new lover, NyQuil.  We're spending a lot of time in bed together.

See you soon.

Heartbroken

I'm supposed to be on a plane today to meet up with two dear friends....finally. We've been planning this trip for months.

Instead I'll be home on the couch at the very least. More than likely in bed.

I'm heartbroken.

I don't even want to talk about it. It makes me cry.

Deb and Jill, I hope you two have the time of your lives this weekend. I'm there with you in spirit. You have no idea how much I hate missing this.

I don't know why I had to get sick NOW. I guess everything happens for a reason, right? 

There better be a damn good one for this. Or somebody's getting their ass kicked.

Waaaaaah, I'm sick

I've been denying it.

I've been fighting it.

I've been pretending it's not true.

But I'm sick. And I'm pissed about it.

I've got this crud that everyone else seems to have. You know, the stuffy nose, cough, cold symptoms, and massive tiredness.

Only one problem.

I'm supposed to get on a plane tomorrow evening for a weekend of fun and debauchery in Dallas with Jill and Deb.

I'm fighting it with everything I have. I'm downing Umcka like water. I'm taking ibuprofen. I'm drinking lots of water. I've upped my colloidal silver dose according to Dr. Penny's prescription.

But I feel like SHIT.

And it's getting worse, not better.

I should be home in bed because frankly I don't have the energy to work. But if I'm going out of town I have tons of work that has to be done first.

C'mon body, don't fail me now....I don't want to let Jill and Deb down. I wanna go to Dallas.  I wanna meet my friends.  I've been waiting for this since March  Why oh why did I have to get sick NOW?

I have to take a nap now.  I'm too tired to type.

Looking for the perfect house? Here's the 411 for you....

Trust me. I'm a Realtor.

For those of you looking for a new home who need clarification on what the jargon of the industry means, here is a list of descriptions to watch out for. I think with just a little bit of knowledge, the world will continue to be a very dangerous place. ...

Baroque = Broken
Casual Living = Your neighbors have a refrigerator on their front lawn
Charming = Corners don’t line up. Sagging porch.
Country Living = Your street will never see a snow plow.
Cozy = Cramped
Diverse Wildlife = Raccoons will raid your garbage. Bats will roost in your attic. Coyotes will eat your dog. Bears will eat your children.
Urban Setting = Ghetto
Family-ready = Previous tenants left toys everywhere
Historic = Has ghosts
Interesting History = Has murderous ghosts
Laid-back Lifestyle = Retirement Community
Outdoor fire-pit = Previous owner burned the garage to the ground.
Private Drive = All your neighbors were eaten by redneck cannibals
Quaint = Outdated
Quiet neighbors = Cult compound
Scenic View = Adjacent Cemetery
Spacious = No windows
Starter Home = Cardboard box
Tree-lined = Welcome to the jungle
Unique Layout = Architect was unlicensed and possibly schizophrenic
Waterfront Property = Septic tank backs up in spring

(Thanks to my buddy John for providing today's blog fodder!)

It's time for more....

Texts from Last Night!!!! Enjoy!!

(937): i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus

(360): Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.

(586): yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.

(305): gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
(970): did you ask her what wine to pair it with?

(909): so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes

(334): I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out

(216): I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.

(954): a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube

(709): so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

(510): Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.

(812): i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

(915): so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
(1-915): who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

(763): I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
(612): I want my thong back.
(763): I hate you tequila.

(717): I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"

(248): Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?

(204): My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

(706): I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.

(678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
(404): You mean bread?

Sleepy Saturday

I got a whole lotta nuthin going on today. (And no, before you ask...this is not a self portrait! Although it does look a little like me....)

This is one of those weekends where I have no plans, and I like it! Lots of things I could/should do (such as cleaning house...you know, the neverending job) but nothing that is going to wreck my world if it doesn't get done.

Went to Bunco last night with the girls, great to see everyone again.

My biggest commitment for today is going to the title office and getting my notary commission recorded. I've been a notary for a hundred years now, and for the last 5 it's been under my married name. Yeah, I finally got around to going through the entire process of changing my name and getting a new stamp a year and 3 months after I got married....and 2 months later I found out my marriage was kaput. Nice timing, and a waste of $70. So I kept it in my married name all this time just riding out until my commission expired and I had to renew it and that way I could do the name changing all at once. It was always odd having to hyphenate backwards...you know most people who add their married name become Julie Smith-Jones, however I had to go the opposite way on everything I notarized and make it Julie Jones-Smith. It was weird. (But what about that time in my life wasn't?)

Anyway, I'm officially back to being Julie R on my stamp, and Julie B is gone forever! Yay! Now, at some point I need to change my social security card back to my maiden name, and then I think all legal traces of my nightmare marriage are done!

Jordan is heading to Cincinnati after work to spend the night at UofC with his two best friends. I think he's been really lonely this past week since they went away to school. He's been home every night and we've actually had several meals together! It's been nice for me, but I know he misses his friends. So he's driving down there and spending the night in a dorm, and will be out doing typical "college freshman" activities tonight. (aka...house parties)

At what age will he be when the knot in my stomach finally goes away when I know he's out doing adult things? Hell I was living on my own at his age, partying all the time, and my parents didn't seem to worry about me nearly the way I do him! I guess I'm not doing well with this "it's out of my control" thing!

Just keep him in your thoughts for safe travels this weekend ok?

By the way, since Jordan hasn't updated his blog, I'll tell you that he started college this week. He wasn't thrilled about getting up so early but it's official....my child is a college student! And a poor one at that, bless his heart between books and tuition he now knows what "debt" is.

Let's see...what else? Oh yeah, you can see by the countdown clock on the right that I'm leaving for Texas to hook up with Deb and Jill in five days! Can't believe it's here already, seemed like years ago we booked our tickets. I haven't been this excited since I went to Vegas to meeting Linda Lou and Darlene back in May. Not sure if I'll update the blog while I'm gone (I leave Thursday, come back Monday) but will definitely keep you all up to date via Facebook.

Ah Facebook. It's certainly turned into an interesting social medium hasn't it? I have friends who I have no idea who they are (thank you to the ones of you who friend me but tell me that you are a reader and what your blog is) and sometimes I think people update their status way too often with trivial crap. I don't think I want to know...or need to know...that Susie from high school is currently popping a zit. But...I guess it's important to her so who am I to judge?

OK this turned into a rambling post all about me (who says bloggers aren't self centered? Of course we are, that's why we blog!) who supposedly didn't have much to say today.

Have another cup of coffee, Julie. Maybe next time you can write a freaking book.

Finally Friday

Wow, it's been a long week. Didn't even have time to blog until now. And trust me, it's gonna be a short one.

But funny.

You know....when one has nothing new to report, insert joke here.

Enjoy!

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.

"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

Her mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner"?

His funeral will be held Thursday.