Friday, November 7, 2008

Having way too much fun with this...

Ahahahahaha...HarleyGirl, me and Danica! Funny story behind the bunny ears, trust me...



Jordan...



Jordan and his nephew in cinema:



My boss on the cover of Vogue:



My niece and great niece in New York:



Me, of course.



Jordan on the wall...


Me being painted...


He loves me, doesn't he? *Updated*



Thanks, Amy!!!

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This one's for you, Vinnie.



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And my little Warhol baby.



Clearly I am going to be entertaining myself all day!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awww...Mommy and me.



Here's the link to do these....Photo Funia. Again, don't thank me, thank AmyAmyBoBamey. It's her fault I'm not getting any work done today!

Friday Funnies

While I'm waiting for Vinnie to finish his guest blog post for me, I'll give you some funny stuff to read....

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After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

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A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"

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A woman stands in a crowded elevator at the hotel she is staying. A handsome man walks into the elevator and accidentally elbows her breast. Apologetically, the man says “I’m terribly sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your breast, you’ll forgive me.” To which the woman replies, “If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113.”

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Thursday, November 6, 2008

A Thousand Words Thursday

Cheaper Than Therapy

Love this idea of a picture being worth a thousand words...


This is my son and I, last August, in Tijuana Mexico. We intended to drive to the main border station there, park our car and walk over like most people do (you don't ever want to take a rental car especially over there...you have no insurance coverage in another country!)...however due to a faulty GPS we ended up driving our rental car THROUGH the migrant workers border 20 miles east of Tijuana, and ended up in the ghettos of Mexico scared shitless and unable to even find a sign in English, let alone someone to tell us how the hell to get out of this dump.

I have never been so scared in my life! I'm driving down a road that is getting more and more narrow, and eventually there are wild dogs running across the street, and Mexican people looking at us in our convertible (we had put the top up immediately after realizing we crossed the border!) and all I could think was "This is how people just disappear and are never found...." Eventually we found our way to the correct border, (basically, I just drove straight and prayed) got in line and sat there for 6 hours in traffic trying to get back across to safety! Of course halfway through we realized neither of us had passports and we spent the next few hours figuring out how we were going to explain this to the border patrol people. Oh, and praying there were no drugs stashed in our tires or under the car left by a previous renter!!!!!!!!! It was awful. And of course we both had to pee like you would not believe, and were thirsty as hell because it was 90 degrees but weren't willing to buy bottled anything from the people walking up and down the aisle of traffic selling stuff!

Then we saw this (ok technically this is two pictures but it adds to the story)



We got here and saw a sign that said passports were not required until January 1, 2008...and so I snapped a picture of my son and I to show the relief on our faces, that we were leaving the hellhole we were in and getting back on American soil!!!!!!!!!!!! As we drove across into California, we were shaking with joy at our nightmare being over, and as I looked for a place to stop to pee, Jordan says "Mom, I never want to go to Mexico again. I don't even want to eat at a Taco Bell now!" Funny kid.

Join the fun of Thousand Word Thursdays at Jen's Place.

Oh yeah, and I *get* that the picture is supposed to speak for itself, however this one required background info to truly appreciate it!!!

I think I want a Vampire for a boyfriend.

OK, much to Deb's dismay, I have not yet read the Twilight books, however I have ordered them all and they should start arriving any day.

However...last week when I was home sick, out of sheer boredom I turned on HBO on Demand, and ended up watching the entire series (9 episodes so far) of True Blood.

Has anybody seen this? It's fabulous!!!!!!!!!!

When I was little, way back in the old days...there was a "soap opera" called Dark Shadows on TV, and I loved it!!! Well, True Blood is definitely something along the same lines! It is written by the same guy, Alan Ball, who did Six Feet Under on HBO, and also wrote "American Beauty", which I thought was a great movie! He's very quirky and dry, and definitely offbeat when it comes to his writing.

So yeah, I'm hooked on True Blood. Several hot guys to choose from....

There's Bill, he's a vampire and can bite my neck anytime he wants:


And Eric, his vampire "boss". I'm not usually into blondes but this dude is smokin on the show:


Sam the owner of the bar and not quite sure yet what he is, other than a dog (literally, he switches back and forth):



There is just something about bad boys that I can't resist. And evidently vampires have some seriously passionate sex, so I am clearly missing out on something!!! We all are attracted to bad boys in some way, aren't we? There's something about that dominating personality (and let's face it, it's a sexual thing...I don't want someone trying to boss me around outside the bedroom!) that just makes a girl weak...at least it makes THIS girl that way.

And think about it, how bad could it be? You've got a guy during the hours you really need one...which is when it's dark out! During the day, you do your own thing, and at night, when you need a date for parties, dinner, events, getting laid, sleeping together, etc., you've got him. Then he's up and out of there before daylight, and you go about your merry way again. And heck, during the winter it gets dark at 5:30 so you get extra hours with him if you want them! And in the summer, longer daylight hours but it's nice outside and I can certainly entertain myself until boyfriend awakes from his 12 hour beauty nap.

I'm thinkin I'm on to something. Now, how do I find myself one of these neck biting, hot sex having, bad boys?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Attention Commenters

I have made a change to my comment section which will not allow comments to be posted until I approve them.

The reason for this is my Anonymous commenter.

I have asked on more than one occasion for you to identify yourself. You have not respected my request. Yet you feel compelled to make comments as though we are friends, which we are not becauase I have no idea who you are...or call me "Jules" which is something my real friends call me, as they know me well enough to do so, but you don't. You even asked a blogging buddy of mine, "I wonder if we could get Julie to put a close up of her girls with the "I voted" sticker on her blog." The answer to that is a resounding NO, by the way.

I've had several people email me today, offended or annoyed at the tone of the comments you've made. I am not going to upset my readers friends because of somebody who doesn't have the balls to come out of the closet and say who he really is, and stop hiding behind a shadow of anonymity where you can say anything you want and not be held accountable.

I have no problem with my readers friends posting their thoughts and views about an election, or abortion, or a religious belief. What I do have a problem with is your willingness to throw your antagonistic comments out there while masking your identity.

So for now, I will no longer allow anonymous posts on my blog. I have a couple of friends (Cassie, Cheri, etc.) who post anonymously but put their names on the comment, and those I will let through. But if there's no name, it will be deleted. "B", I know you occasionally post one as well so if nothing else, sign it with your initial of your last name so I know it's you.

And Mr. Anonymous, in answer to your question, yes I did censor Vinnie's comment. And he knows why. It's my blog and I'm allowed.

Now this sickens me.

Arkansas voters approved a measure banning unmarried couples from serving as adoptive or foster parents. Supporters made clear that gays and lesbians were their main target.


Wow. So in order to discriminate against gay and lesbian people, they'll just make sure that nobody can adopt or foster children who need parents. Let's make innocent children suffer rather than allow loving, caring people (regardless of sexual orientation) to raise them.

And voters actually approved this. You've got to be kidding me.

We have far bigger things to fear in this country than who our new President is, clearly.


Look what I got today....




This one may be a pre-keeper. :)

Thanks, babe.

The morning after.

:::yawn::::

Good morning, blog readers.

I'm half asleep, thanks to staying up til 1am doing the whole election thing! Congratulations to President-elect Obama. As a country we've put our faith in you...now keep your end of the bargain, do what you said you would, and don't let us down.

I admit, I'm such a sap that I cried through 90% of his speech last night. I thought it was very moving, and it made me proud of our country.

I still feel that Palin killed McCain's chance of winning. He was running on the fact that Obama was unprepared to take on the highest office in the land, and then he chose a running mate who was even less experienced. I personally believe he sealed his fate with that one. Had he chosen another woman, such as Kay Bailey Hutchison, (assuming he really wanted to get the women who would have voted for Hilary on his side) he very well could have won last night.

And I'd be nauseated as hell today if he had. LOL

So how do you feel about the outcome of the election? I know all my readers are not Obama supporters, so please do not feel as though you can't express your opinion in comments. All parties are welcome here!!!

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Hahahaha...I think you guys with all your comments trying to be the Top Commenter, broke my widget yesterday!!! I see it's not working today!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Wow, my top commenters has really changed!

Um, Georgie? You've been pushed back to third place, Vinnie and Travel Girl have overtaken you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Lizzy is right on your heels.

I love competition. LOL

Get out and ROCK THE VOTE, baby.

What are you doing reading my blog if you have not voted yet today??? Come back when you have!



I've made no secret about who got my vote this morning but whatever party line you vote, whoever you think is our best candidate..just go make your voice heard, and make your vote count.

In other news...

Vinnie semi-proposed yesterday and I half heartedly accepted...so if we are both still single this time next year, we have a BIG announcement to make!!!! Right, honey? LOL

Meanwhile, he's totally still in love with someone else and I'm consistently on the lookout for a great guy, so don't let our pre-engagement throw anyone. If there are any single men reading this who are interested...I can totally break up with him to date you!!!!!!!!!!!!

I crack myself up.

Monday, November 3, 2008

A bottle of wine and some answers to burning questions...

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one , she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'


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OK Megryansmom and Travel Girl...you don't know what Sweet Tea is? Seriously? Am I to assume you've never been in the South?????? Sweet tea is just what is sounds like, iced tea made with tons of sugar! I never, ever put sugar in my tea (I'm a Splenda kind of gal) but when I travel in the southern states, I always have some. It's just SOOOOO good. And Cheri always makes sweet tea at her house so I still travel south (granted, only 50 miles!) to get it!

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JillJill and Airmanmom, since you liked my jeans so much, I took a picture of the detail on them for you to swoon over! This is the left leg, and then there is a little bit of it going down the back of the leg from the pocket as well. I also have them in regular blue denim with brown embellishment! (When I find stuff I like, I buy it in every color!)



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I wasn't kidding when I said we should consider a bloggers weekend in Vegas. Fly in Thursday, fly out Sunday. C'mon...who's in? We could do it early next year, like March'ish. Why, just in time for my birthday on March 22! What a coincidence!

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To my anonymous commenters....PLEASE identify yourselves so I know who is talking to me. Fortunately I haven't gotten any nasty anonymous comments (and I know many of you other bloggers have so I feel pretty lucky so far) but every time I get one that doesn't leave me some idea of who it is, I have to go back to my analytics and figure out who was on at what time and narrow it down. So save me the trouble and just identify yourself somehow! Just use an initial or something. Even if you are a stranger to me, I'll at least know which comments are yours! Thanks...

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It was a slow Bachelor weekend (no dysfunction to be found!) but there's a cute one on the periphery who seems pretty normal! Stay tuned, with any luck I'll be blogging about him in a very positive way soon!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Back to my home town....

My "oldest" best friend (yeah yeah yeah, technically I'm 4 months older than she is, but we've known each other 35 years so that makes her my oldest-in-the-span-of-time best friend!) invited me back to our home town today for her Dad's 80th birthday party.

It's so strange to go back there. I pretty much never do except when Cheri is having an event of some sort. Last time I was there was a year and a half ago when her son graduated from high school. Who knows what will draw me down there next. Probably our 30th class reunion in May!

But it was a great day here for a drive to Logan, sunny and 69 here in Ohio, so I cranked up the 70's station on Sirius, and off I went! While it is weird to go back to where I grew up, I found myself reliving my teenage years while driving down Main Street (in a MUCH nicer car than when I lived there!)(Cheri and I, and everyone else in town, used to cruise Main Street in high school because that's all there was to do!) (Oh wait, that wasn't even my car we were in back then!!)...

Oops, sorry, where was I? Took a detour on Memory Lane!

Anyway, I'm driving down Main Street and talk about the memories flooding back. Soooo many of them. Logan was a great place to grow up, everyone knew everyone else and when I left there in 1979, there was a point where I wanted to marry a hometown boy, move back and raise my kids there. Clearly, that didn't happen! And it's funny now, when I do go back, I see so few faces that I know. Cheri keeps me up to date on all the gossip of course, but I rarely see anyone outside her family that I remember now.

It was kind of funny, when we were in high school, Cheri's dad Leroy didn't have a lot of use for me. After all, she was his very prim and proper, holier than thou daughter, and I was...well let's just say I was considerably NOT those things! I think he tolerated our friendship but he never exactly welcomed me into the family with open arms!!! Over the past 30 years he's learned to like me, and while I don't see him but every few years, he's been very nice to me when he does see me. So today, he was very touched that I came to his party. He said "Did you drive all the way down here JUST for this???" and I said "Yes sir, I would not have missed it, I came just to see you", and he actually got kind of misty and said "That is so wonderful, thank you so much". Later Cheri was teasing him that everybody had to sign the guestbook because they were going to draw a name from it and somebody was going to be taking Leroy home with them...and he said "You make sure you draw Julie's name, I want to go with her!" It made me laugh out loud. I told Cheri "Did you ever think we'd see the day that your Dad was not only happy to see me, but wants to go home with me as well???? What are you people doing to that poor man that he's decided I'm the best option?" We cracked up.

So when I left, I hugged and kissed him and he told me not to stay away so long, and I informed him that since he got all these gift cards for the local steak house, and his kids were already planning to let him take them all out to dinner, that I'd be back for steak! And he grinned at me and whispered "I'll buy yours!" What a sweetie. Wow Cher, I think your Dad and I have finally formed a mutual admiration society!!!!!! Your mother would be so proud!

I made Cheri pose for pictures so here's one of me and her (she was a little annoyed that she'd taken her Tony Stewart shirt off and put "horizontal stripes..bad for pictures" on...and as I pointed out...just wear black like I do, it hides a multitude of sins!)



And here's us with her Mini-Me daughter, Emilee.


The one I took with her son Alex didn't turn out so well...I'll catch him next time.

So, that's how I spent my Sunday. Now I'm home sick as a dog from all the sugar I consumed in Logan. What can I say...Cheri makes THE BEST SWEET TEA (no, Deb...it's not the vodka!) and of course she baked, and nobody does cake like she does. Oh, and that disgustingly good orangey/pinappley punch that had ice cream floating around in it. (Hello! Of course I had some!!) (3 glasses...Emilee kept refreshing my beverage for me) (Ironically her mother used to do the same back in the day but there was usually champagne or amaretto sours involved!) I tried offsetting the sugar with spinach dip and crackers, and her infamous deviled eggs but it didn't work. So I'm suffering..but it was worth it. (Oh, and I brought cake home. She made me...I had no choice.)

What have all of my blogging buddies been doing today??

Sunday Rewind

Taking a blogging day off today, so I thought I'd rewind back a few months and recycle one of my favorite posts. Enjoy!

So we had this discussion on The Nest about the Duggars, the family who has 17 children and evidently is now pregnant with the 18th one.

If you don't know who they are, here is a little blurb from their website:

Jim Bob & Michelle Duggar married July 21st, 1984. At that time, they chose to use the birth control pill. They thought, “We don’t want children right now. We can’t afford them. We want children in our timing, when we’re ready.” Four years later they decided to have their first child. Then, Michelle went back on the pill, but she conceived and had a miscarriage. At that point they talked with a Christian medical doctor and read the fine print in the contraceptives package. They found that while taking the pill you can get pregnant and then miscarry. They were grieved! They were Christians! They were pro-life! They realized that their selfish actions had taken the life of their child. They prayed and asked God to forgive them, and to teach them to love children like He loves children. They asked God to bless them with as many children as He saw fit in His timing. Right after that Michelle got pregnant with twins! To date they have been blessed with 17 children, (10 boys and 7 girls) Joshua, Jana & John-David (twins), Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah & Jeremiah (twins), Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer (and #18 due in January 2009!).


Several thoughts came to my mind....

First of all, the husband's name is Jim Bob. Enough said.

Second, when are they going to stop this insanity? When her uterus falls out, or they run out of "J" names?

Third, who are they kidding, those kids are raising each other! Because evidently Mom and Dad are too busy doing the horizontal bop in an effort to add more tax deductions.

I really just pray that woman runs out of eggs soon.



Saturday, November 1, 2008

My little trick or treater

Since the rest of you are posting pictures of your little ones on Halloween...

Here's my baby and his girl...they were mobsters. They wanted to actually go trick or treating but he decided against it...since he looks 25, he figured he'd get mistaken for a pedophile! LOL So they went to the hookah bar instead...

May I introduce...Bachelor #8

Well, my first clue that this probably isn't going to be my new Mr. Right is that his profile says he lives in a galaxy far far away, and his profession is "underwater cake decorator". Huh?

And here is his actual profile...or maybe it's the 33 things he's looking for in a woman? I'm not really sure *what* this is!!!! But my comments are in italics...

1.OK HERE WE UNDERWATER CAKE DECORATOR - What does this even mean?

2.A LADY WITH ALL HER OWN PARTS(SUCH AS LEGS AND ARMS) - Are fake boobs ok? Not that I have 'em but in case I ever get 'em.

3.TEETH (ENOUGH SAID ABOUT TEETH) - So I should have them, and they can be real or fake, missing or all there, white yellow or other?

4.HAIR (REAL PLEASE) - What, I can't have extensions?

5.YOUR EYES SHOULD BE THE SAME COLOR - The same color as...my hair? My teeth? Each other?

6.GREEN DRESSES - You want me to dress like a Christmas tree. Check.

7.WOLVES - Sheep. Are we playing "Say the first word that comes to mind"?

8.EAGLES - Football.

9.BEARS - Chicago!

10.RED DRESSES - Make up my mind, red or green?

11.MERMAIDS - So he has a Daryl Hannah obsession?

12.BLUE DRESSES - Dude, this isn't Project Runway.

13.RED HEADS - Finally, something I can get points for.

14.PIRATES - Of the Caribbean. Ummm, Johnny Depp in mascara.

15.SUPERMAN - Somehow with this profile, I doubt you are.

16.BLONDS - First of all, it's "blondes", and second...eh there is no second.

17.MATILDA - You are a freak.

18.YELLING FOR THE HELL OF IT - Which is what typing in all caps means. Dumb Ass.

19.A WAITRESSS - (with three S's...nice.) A waitress somewhere is waiting for a prince like you to ride up in your PT Cruiser and take her away.

20.LADYBUGS - Okay?

21.EYES THAT SMILE - Actually right now my eyes are saying "You're an idiot".

22.PORT JEFFERSON ON A SUMMERS NIGHT - I give up. Where?

23.NO MAN HANDS (YOU KNOW WHO I'M TAKING ABOUT)- I've yet to see a man with hands as well manicured as mine, pal.

24.DAVE MATTHEWS - Boring

25.BROWN DRESSES - Oh for the love of God.

26.NEVER GIVE YOUR LOVE MY FRIEND UNTO A FOOLISH HEART - Too late. Been there, done it. Don't plan on making *that* mistake again.

27.TOE RINGS - I have diamonds everywhere, sweetie. Even on my toes. (which for the record are not man toes either)

28.BOOM CHICKA WAH WAH - Sigh. That used to be my theme song..

29.STARBUCKS WITH THE RIGHT GIRL - I'm thinking Starbucks better be adding vodka to their coffee drinks now.

30.IF YOUR SOME KINDA KUKE,I'VE MAXED MY LIMIT AND NO LONGER ACCEPTING KUKE APPLICTIONS - I'm sorry, what? Kook? As in crazy? Or Kuke as in cucumber?

31.I WORK WITH KIDS - Now, I'm scared.

32.I DON'T MIND A FEW EXTRA POUNDS BUT I'M NOT INTO THE FAT LADY AT THE CIRCUS LOOK - Well, does the bearded lady do anything for you?

33.WISH YOU WOULD STEP BACK FROM THE LEDGE MY FRIEND - Seeing how this profile just put me there...

NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Coming tomorrow - Bachelor #8

Amazing. And not in a good way!

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OK you *know* my issues with spelling. Check out this profile.

hellow my name is rick and im a batchler with my own home and im looking for that some one spesial who likes to laugh and have fun either at home or out and about. sound like you pleas answer me and lets see if there is something to discover. life of happenines is there any such thing?? yes with the right person.my ideal match would be real and down to earth. she would know what in life she wants and want some one to help her get there.as well as to help her mate do the same thing. she would be loving and not afried to show her afection.


Seriously, how do these people graduate from high school? Is he just a bad typist or is just hooked on phonics?

The witch has parked her broom.

OK I'm better now. But thanks for all your comments on my other post. They made me laugh and helped snap me out of my "I'm either gonna get drunk or run someone over" mood.

I was all whipped up this morning over my son's Senior Pictures. Long story short, he thought it was appropriate to have them taken in his usual attire, that being a band t-shirt, hoodie, jeans, and a pair of checkered Chuck Taylor's.

Um, no.

So we had a fight over it, and I cancelled the photo session for today.

After I had time to cool off and think rationally about it, I realized that he just doesn't have a clue what this is like for me. He doesn't understand that this is a big milestone in his life to me...no different than his first tooth, his first step, his first day of school. This is the year that my job as a hands on parent comes to a crashing halt. I pretty much get fired even though I've done a damn good job at it! So everything about his last year of school is big to me, and that includes Senior Pictures. I don't mind some of them being taken in his usual attire...that's who he is and I'm fine with that. But I also want some taken in nice clothes, showing the "grown up" adult that I've raised.

Bottom line is that I guess I'm so used to him doing everything for himself, that I didn't realize I needed to show him what I wanted him to wear, to get the pictures *I* want to have. So I rescheduled his appointment for next Wednesday, and I will pick out his clothes, and I'll get those pictures of my little boy....even if he does look like he's 25 he's still my baby.

In other news....

Here's my contribution to Halloween. Hope you enjoy!!!


I don't feel like blogging today

So I'm not going to. I'm in too bad of a mood to do so.

Have a nice Halloween. This witch is going to get back on her broomstick and fly the fuck away.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I'm a Blog Thief.

That's right. I'm stealing Danica's post off her blog because it made me laugh out loud, and frankly, this would have happened to me when I was married. So please go give her some comment love since she had this first!!!!

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"


The Wizard of Odds




Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The boob shot

An anonymous poster asked what picture of me #7 saw that showed my boobs.

There isn't one. I don't flash the girls via the Internet!

This is the picture he saw and formed his own opinions....



As you can see, it's just a normal shot of me in a dress. OK so the dress part isn't normal...I don't wear them often! But it's not revealing by any means.

Home sick at the moment

My spectacular boobs sorry ass is on the couch this morning with a blanket, pillow, and a healthy dose of Tylenol Cough & Cold Nighttime stuff. Yeah, I know it's morning...I like the buzz.

I was up and getting dressed for work when my boss called and said he too was sick, and told me to stay home in bed this morning, and come in later this afternoon.

OK. I can do that.

In other news....

Bachelor #7 isn't quite getting the hint that I'm not interested. He emailed me at least 4 times since his response I posted yesterday....last night early evening, evening, night and 6am this morning. His 6am email says it's the last one I'll get as he is not a stalker but he just doesn't understand why I've changed my mind about meeting him (changed my mind? was there a point I was interested and I was too stoned on cold meds yesterday to realize it?) but the ball is in my court, and he won't contact me again unless he hears from me first.

Hold your breath, pal.

By the way, I should note that not all the guys who have contacted me are losers. There are a couple that I am exchanging emails with that have some promise. I just don't want to write about them at this point! If I meet one, and there's a spark, I'll let you guys know then....

Back to the couch. But first, do you think hot chocolate laced with caramel vodka would get the taste of Robitussin out of my mouth?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

OMG, he actually wrote me back!

Don your crash helmets, ladies and gentlemen...here's his response!!!

It is a pleasant surprise hearing from you. Had not expected to even though I gave you my work email address. Your a very blunt tell it like it is person. And I did lay it out as completely and as honestly as I am capable of. In case you have not been able to tell I am not the type to go slow. Here is what I perceive will happen if things go well.

There are absolutely no expectations the first time we meet, this is not really a date just a meeting to see if anything is there.

If we decide there is and then we have a real date and perceptions change. At this point I am thinking we know there is something worth exploring.

After that true 1st date if we decide there is to be a 2nd true date I would expect it to be a 1 on 1 exclusive dating arrangement from that point forward until there is something happens that is a deal breaker. I am not talking anything intimate here but to be honest if there really is a connection it will not be much longer than this before something happens. I know at the very least that is what I will be feeling.

I am not trying to offend just being really honest about who I am. The vast vast majority of women, and probably men as well, would want to take things much slower than that. That is not me. I would like to meet but just want you to be real clear on what my expectations are.


I don't even know how to respond to that, so I have decided NOT to.

The guy reminds me so much of my ex it's borderline scary, with his whole controlling nature, "it's my way or no way at all" approach, he's a computer geek with no friends, and everything is black and white, there is no grey area. Do as I say, not as I do.

Dude, I just got rid of a man like you, the last thing I want is another one back. I'll switch teams first!

Monday, October 27, 2008

For your amusement and horror...I give you Bachelor #7

First, let's start with his profile...

Hi, I'm 56, and looking for an open minded BBW who is also looking to meet someone. I prefer someone who in their mid 40s or older. I am looking for a special friend to begin dating and if the chemistry is right hopefully grow it into a LTR. I do have a "not so vanilla" side and need a partner to compliment that. Your a size 16/18 thru 22/24 give or take, non smoker or smoker just so long as smoking does not control your life, you also have a not so vanilla side and enjoy sharing that naughty side of your personality with someone special. Is this you?

Well, *some* parts of that are me. LOL

So he sends me an email that says:

"Dearest Julie, I saw your profile and was blown away by how beautiful you are, and I cannot believe you have to resort to dating sites to find a man."

Um, is that one of those backhanded compliments? Gee Julie, you're beautiful in your desperation...

"I have looked at your pictures over and over, and I would really like a chance to get to know you, as you are the epitome of what I am looking for in a mate."


I am? Because...I have a uterus? Oh wait, it's because you can't take your eyes off me and are blown away by my beauty. Check.

OK. So I know I've been kind of hard on some of these guys, and maybe this one is just a little awkward on paper, so perhaps I should cut him some slack. So I wrote back and said that I wasn’t sure if I qualified with all his requirements but that I appreciated his compliments! And he wrote back and said:

"Just got home from work a little bit ago. You are absolutely qualified - your a VERY attractive woman I would like to get to know you better. Feel free to ask me ANYTHING about anything. Honesty is expected and given in return. I am very much for real. Hope to hear back from you real soon....."


And 5 minutes later:

"My phone nbr is 696-****. If you call I am up until about 11 p.m. so feel free to call rather late. I am DEFINITELY interested. Hope to hear from you soon."


Here we go again with the "Call me, why haven't you called me yet?" crap.

But I'm still trying to be positive! So I write back the next day and say sorry, didn't get your emails until late, this whole process seems kind of job interview'ish to me, so why don't we talk a little bit over email for now?

And he says:

"Hi. I would like to meet - what are you doing Sunday morning. How about breakfast at Bob Evans or something similar. Let me know..."


And an hour after that:

"Could not sleep so I signed on to check for email and thought I would write. Julie I do not know how to respond to you. (Respond? You haven't given me a chance to say much of anything yet!) It is very hard meeting people or at least it is for me. I am a good man with a lot to offer a woman but it is somehow different when you get to be our age. Add to that the fact I am not looking to casually date several women. I want to find one woman to be friends with, be lovers with, to grow a relationship with. I just want to be honest and upfront about who I am and what I am looking for when I meet someone - even if for the first time. To be honest I am pretty much a loner and do not have a lot of friends. And I am okay with that for the most part. I miss having that one special woman in my life though. Someone to talk to when life gets ugly, someone to share weekend drives to no where with, someone to share the up coming holidays with. I woud love to have someone special to go out New Years Eve with - don't laugh it is not that far away lol. One woman to love who will love me back, who shares the same vision of life and relationships that I do. I really want to apologize because I get the feeling that I offended you somehow. That certainly was not my intent. I apologize if I did...."


OK, so other than the fact that he admits to being a loner, and that scares the shit out of me because my ex was the world's biggest loner (our best man was his business partner, remember...and he had ONE friend attend our wedding), the rest of the email just sounds like a guy who's ready to be in a relationship.

So again, I'm trying to cut him some slack...so I respond:

No, you did not offend me, I just have not had a chance to respond!

My weekend is kind of up in the air. I have a rental property and need to install a new dishwasher and garbage disposal this weekend, and I'm hoping I can get it done tomorrow. Plus I have a commitment to paint my sister's bedroom on Sunday as well. So this weekend isn't really good for a breakfast meeting...

I understand where you are coming from. I never expected to be 47 and single again, and while everyone tells me I should be excited about it, frankly I'm more apprehensive than I am excited. I agree with you 100%, I don't want to be casually dating several people either. It's not who I am. I like being part of a couple, having someone to count on. I like the term "we"! I don't meet many single men my age at my job, and all of my friends are married so of course all of their friends are as well.

So tell me more about who you are. What do you do for a living? Do you have kids? What do you like to do for fun?


And three days later this is what I got back from him!

"Hi Julie,

I took a few days to think over your email below. I want to be honest with you - just the way it always should be. To be honest your pictures floored me - your an incredibly attractive woman I can only imagine what you must look like for real. I liked the one of you in a dress the best. But I have to ask...are your boobs real? They are huge! I mean that in a good way, you know good huge! I'm a boob man myself so it just makes you even more attractive.

And I love your mouth. I'll tell you why later.

Anyway, the problem is the email you sent me. You come across as a type A personality. Always have a million balls up in the air. I don't want to casually date someone - I want someone to date with the express purpose of seeing if a long term relationship developes. That also means being intimate in a fairly short time frame if the chemisty is there which if it is not we would not date more than 1 or 2 times any way. I emphasized that to make sure you read it, and remember it because it's important to me. VERY important.

I like being able to get up on a Saturday morning and decide to take a back roads weekend drive to no where - enjoying the sights and sounds along the way but would love to have someone share that with me. I am a computer programmer so have a professional job but I also am very laid back and mellow on my personal time. Like you I would love to be a part of a "couple" again. Knowing there is someone to count on, to do things with, like you I like the term "we" but I want a partner who has time to allow that "we" to develope. As for what I do

I am a computer programmer. I enjoy weekend drives to no where, movies in or out, would love to have someone in my life to have cookouts with, watch movies with, all the normal couple things. I would absolutely LOVE to have someone special in my life to share New Years Eve with - it is not that far away. I love the holidays - the sights, the sounds, one of the very few times in the year when people are actually nice to each other lol.

Anyway above is a small part of who I am there is more but I guess I need to know if me being so laid back and mellow - definitely NOT a type A personality, is a problem for you. If it is I do not want to start something that is doomed right from the beginning. I hope this makes sense to you because it does to me."


What. The. Fuck.

Is he serious? There are so many things wrong with that email I don't know where to start. But let's start with the boobs. Seriously? You ask me that before you even meet me? And no, I'm not sleeping with you at Bob Evans. It takes more than a few hash browns and a waffle to get to the Promised Land, pal. And how the hell many times do you have to tell me you like long drives to nowhere and are desperate for a New Year's Eve date?

Wait, let me just cut and paste MY email to him, it will be faster.

Well, I have to tell you I was fairly stunned by your forwardness. You certainly don't hold back now do you?

All the things you listed, I certainly enjoy doing. I'm not a Type A personality by any means. The problem I do see based on your email, is that I'm not a "jump in the sack" kind of gal. While I may have an instant chemistry with someone, I'm still not the kind of woman who gets to know them in bed! And sometimes, the chemistry is not instant. Sometimes it takes more than one or two dates to figure out if this is a person I really want to get to know better, let alone have sex with, and I can assure you that's not going to happen after a couple cups of coffee and a drive in the country. I put that in bold to make sure you read it and remember it.

I think that this is...to quote you..."doomed right from the beginning". I wish you luck in your search, and as for my boobs...yes they are all mine, and they are spectacular.


NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next, on "As The Stomach Turns"...

Bachelor #7 makes his first appearance.

Tune in tomorrow as Julie has yet another completely dysfunctional man vying for her attention, and evidently her boobs.

Wow...that speaks volumes!

With T-minus 8 days and counting until the election, things are not looking good for the Republicans.

One of Alaska's largest papers (read that again, folks...ALASKA'S) - the Anchorage Daily News - has just announced its endorsement of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

Ouch.

They called their own Governor, Sarah Palin, "too risky" to be one very close step to President of the United States. And that even though the state may have been "captivated" by her nomination, they should not let her "overwhelm their judgment."

She is indeed seductive to some! But the paper said voters need to keep their eyes on the prize.

In other words, McCain is the "wrong choice."


Ummmm hmmmm.

And to take us out of this bulletin, please enjoy the song stylings of Ashford & Simpson...

"That's why we're solid...solid as Barack" LOL God bless Saturday Night Live!

When did I get so busy?

I either need to start getting up earlier in the morning, or drafting my blog posts at night. I just don't have time at work to blog anymore!!!

I've been given several blog awards recently (thank you!!!) and haven't even gotten them posted yet, or even worse...passed on.

Oh, and I'm feeling all kinds of crappy today. Sore throat, stuffed head, the beginnings of a cough, body aches. Ugh. Whoever gave this to me...take it back.

So don't expect a lot out of me today, I have to leave work at 3:30 anyway and I'm swamped between now and then. Consider this my Monday blog post and let's hope tomorrow's is a little more entertaining!

In other news...

I got the dishwasher installed at the condo this weekend, and that went well. And even better is that my renter gave me a check for November's rent already! Woohoo! I'm so used to having to spend the first 10 days of the month tracking my renter down for it, I forgot what it was like to have someone just voluntarily pay me!!!!

Lastly, thoughts and prayers go out to Jennifer Hudson and her sister. I saw where they found a little boy's body this morning. I cannot imagine the heartbreak they are going through, losing everyone in their family except each other. So very, very tragic.

Oh, one more thing! Does anybody know anyone (or a place) that will transfer VHS tapes onto DVD's? I have about 10 tapes from when my son was born and his first few years that I definitely want preserved, but I don't know where to get this done....

Any ideas?