More Texts From Last Night

I can't help it. I'm addicted.

(503): i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
(360): let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.


(845): i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low


(216): when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
(1-216): damn...impressive bar tab
(216): no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer


(859): Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
(502): Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?


(503): PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
(515): Ur type is ready and willing


(917): last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
(917): this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
(917): he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
(718): messed up. what color are the wings?


(712): She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...


(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he's deaf.


(406): So, how was the dinner
(1-406): Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.


(315): evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.


(603): Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
(1-603): No...more like a life jacket.

I'm almost done...hang on....

(619): I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.


(617): So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon


(323): Would you feel weird if I asked out Debbie?
(310): You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
(323): So...no?`


(401): my mouth tastes like poor choices


(310): My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...


(206): Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad


(773): Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...


(402): Houston.. we have a drinking problem..


(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
(1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911


(630): I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.


(585): i'm signing you up for texting rehab


(303): I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.


(702): Kareoke will never be a sober sport


(517): areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
(616): you srsly need to quit going to that bar


(818): Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.


(815): the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?


(925): Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.


(734): hey call me
(810): can't. in the shower.
(734): ... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.


(816): I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.


(301): Bea Arthur died yesterday
(240): You shut your stupid mouth
(301): Betty White is next, I just know it.
(240): Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.


(936):Bea Arthur died! :(
(214):What?
(936):Big bird passed.


(815) Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
(1-815) You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.


(818): dude, i look like john mccains neck right now


(920): Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers


(337): i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
(985): wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb


(805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
(1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.


(517): I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.


(925): so explain again why im purple
(617): no

Just a few more...


(336): I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.


(214): your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
(1-214): we're not divorced.


(970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
(970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.


(310): I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.


(478): This is not my ceiling


(619): I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity


(832): I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
(303): I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex


(610): please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.


(917): I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
(201): so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay


(805): As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!


(504): Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
(225): You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
(504): Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
(225): I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....


(714): It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...


(669): I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation. (hmmmm...who does this remimd us of????)


(303): Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

OK I have to stop now. LOL