It's time for more....

Texts from Last Night!!!! Enjoy!!

(937): i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus

(360): Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.

(586): yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.

(305): gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
(970): did you ask her what wine to pair it with?

(909): so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes

(334): I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out

(216): I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.

(954): a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube

(709): so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

(510): Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.

(812): i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

(915): so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
(1-915): who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

(763): I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
(612): I want my thong back.
(763): I hate you tequila.

(717): I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"

(248): Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?

(204): My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

(706): I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.

(678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
(404): You mean bread?

Sleepy Saturday

I got a whole lotta nuthin going on today. (And no, before you ask...this is not a self portrait! Although it does look a little like me....)

This is one of those weekends where I have no plans, and I like it! Lots of things I could/should do (such as cleaning house...you know, the neverending job) but nothing that is going to wreck my world if it doesn't get done.

Went to Bunco last night with the girls, great to see everyone again.

My biggest commitment for today is going to the title office and getting my notary commission recorded. I've been a notary for a hundred years now, and for the last 5 it's been under my married name. Yeah, I finally got around to going through the entire process of changing my name and getting a new stamp a year and 3 months after I got married....and 2 months later I found out my marriage was kaput. Nice timing, and a waste of $70. So I kept it in my married name all this time just riding out until my commission expired and I had to renew it and that way I could do the name changing all at once. It was always odd having to hyphenate backwards...you know most people who add their married name become Julie Smith-Jones, however I had to go the opposite way on everything I notarized and make it Julie Jones-Smith. It was weird. (But what about that time in my life wasn't?)

Anyway, I'm officially back to being Julie R on my stamp, and Julie B is gone forever! Yay! Now, at some point I need to change my social security card back to my maiden name, and then I think all legal traces of my nightmare marriage are done!

Jordan is heading to Cincinnati after work to spend the night at UofC with his two best friends. I think he's been really lonely this past week since they went away to school. He's been home every night and we've actually had several meals together! It's been nice for me, but I know he misses his friends. So he's driving down there and spending the night in a dorm, and will be out doing typical "college freshman" activities tonight. (aka...house parties)

At what age will he be when the knot in my stomach finally goes away when I know he's out doing adult things? Hell I was living on my own at his age, partying all the time, and my parents didn't seem to worry about me nearly the way I do him! I guess I'm not doing well with this "it's out of my control" thing!

Just keep him in your thoughts for safe travels this weekend ok?

By the way, since Jordan hasn't updated his blog, I'll tell you that he started college this week. He wasn't thrilled about getting up so early but it's official....my child is a college student! And a poor one at that, bless his heart between books and tuition he now knows what "debt" is.

Let's see...what else? Oh yeah, you can see by the countdown clock on the right that I'm leaving for Texas to hook up with Deb and Jill in five days! Can't believe it's here already, seemed like years ago we booked our tickets. I haven't been this excited since I went to Vegas to meeting Linda Lou and Darlene back in May. Not sure if I'll update the blog while I'm gone (I leave Thursday, come back Monday) but will definitely keep you all up to date via Facebook.

Ah Facebook. It's certainly turned into an interesting social medium hasn't it? I have friends who I have no idea who they are (thank you to the ones of you who friend me but tell me that you are a reader and what your blog is) and sometimes I think people update their status way too often with trivial crap. I don't think I want to know...or need to know...that Susie from high school is currently popping a zit. But...I guess it's important to her so who am I to judge?

OK this turned into a rambling post all about me (who says bloggers aren't self centered? Of course we are, that's why we blog!) who supposedly didn't have much to say today.

Have another cup of coffee, Julie. Maybe next time you can write a freaking book.

Finally Friday

Wow, it's been a long week. Didn't even have time to blog until now. And trust me, it's gonna be a short one.

But funny.

You know....when one has nothing new to report, insert joke here.

Enjoy!

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.

"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

Her mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner"?

His funeral will be held Thursday.

Weigh In Day! Yeah, don't get excited.

So last week when I came back from Vegas and weighed in....

I gained FOUR POUNDS.

Uh huh. That's right.  Four big ones.




Was I surprised?  Oh hell no.  I didn't record a single bite that went into my mouth for 4 1/2 days.  You know, things like In N Out Burger and Fries, chips and salsa in the hotel room, chocolates on the pillow,  even PF Changs one night.  Oh, and the first day we were at Market, we didn't eat except what was in the showrooms.  I existed on bottled water and chocolate chip cookies for a good part of the day.

And then there was the alcohol.

To say we drank a lot is putting it mildly.  It started with a double Grey Goose rocks in the airport, continued on the plane, and didn't stop once we hit Vegas.  In fact by 2pm most of the showrooms at Market had beer and wine out and we'd start then.

By the time I got off the plane (yeah, I had a Bloody Mary or two on the way home as well) my feet and ankles were actually swollen from excess fluids!

So yeah, I wasn't shocked at the four pounds.

The good news is that today's weigh in, I was down 3.1 of it.  Still have that little bit left to go and truth is, I have only lost 1.7 lbs in September which is a little disappointing but hey....it's still a downward trend.  Frankly this past ten days I've been off my game.  I haven't really been off my diet since I got back from Vegas, but until yesterday I wasn't tracking my food either.  And while I walked about 20 miles in Vegas, I also haven't exercised since I got back.  Right now I'm at a 29.2 lbs loss.  Not 30 lbs anymore...but I'll crack that number again next week.

So I'm back on the wagon now.  I took a little break, and now I'm committed fully again to losing this next 45 lbs. and getting to my goal.  Unfortunately it seems the date I will achieve my goal has been moved back from my birthday (March 22) to April 28th according to my little tracking thingy.  But that's okay, as long as I get there....it's a marathon, not a sprint right?

WTF Wednesday?

Just imagine what a green thumb could do to that thing.

In other news....

If you glance to your right you will see I have like 281 followers now. I have a need to push it over 300. Go grab some friends and send 'em my way, will ya? I have something very special for #300.....

No, really. I do. And no, it's not a booty call either.

Unless #300 is really cute.

And lives close.

Finally, some exercise that I'm good at!!!!

Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits as yoga.

Quick, somebody pour me a glass of exercise. 

I'm really lazy...ish

I sat down last night to write my Vegas blog, and realized that with a wine glass in one hand, typing a blog of any length with just the other hand was going to take entirely too long.

So, nothing good going on here today!

Really, I'm not *that* lazy, (or drunk, so stop pointing fingers, Deb), but you know how it goes....have to upload the pictures and videos from my iPhone, go through the pictures and edit/correct/whatever, then come up with a clever narration of my four'ish days in Sin City.

Or...I can have another glass of Riesling, and watch the Emmys.

And the winner is....Columbia Winery!  Yay!!!!!  :::standing ovation::::

Oh don't look at me like that.  You did the same thing this weekend.  Go ahead, tell me what you put off until another day?

Sunday Rewind - My Un-niversary

It's my blogging day off, so here's my post from this same date a year ago. It's been six years now since that fateful wedding day....not five. But this morning, I didn't cry. I really don't feel much about it at all...it's *almost* just another day. I'm in a much better place this year than I was last year. I guess blogging really has been good therapy! That, and time really does help heal our emotional wounds. So for my buddies Jill and Caroline who are going through their own private hells right now....hang in there, babes. It will get better. I promise.


Saturday, September 20, 2008

Happy Un-niversary to me.

So, five years ago today, at 11:30am on a sunny, beautiful September morning much like today, I walked down the aisle into what I thought was forever. Turns out, forever lasted 2 years and 8 days.

I have not been looking forward to this day. It's the first time that it's fallen on a Saturday since we got married. Most years since our divorce, I can go to work and keep myself busy and not think about it.

Today, I woke up at 6am, after having a dream that my ex was back with the woman he let break up our marriage. Funny, five years ago when I woke up alone on this Saturday morning, I was filled with so much hope and anticipation and excitement, and today I woke up by myself, sad and angry and lonely.

As I sat down to write this, the emotion overtook me, and I found myself with my hands covering my face, sobbing in that way that demonstrates grief at it's quietest and loudest. I lost so much when my marriage ended. I lost not only the material things like my house and my car, I lost my job, I lost my financial security, I lost the dreams I had for my future, I lost the life we'd planned out, and most importantly, I lost my faith in love, in marriage, and in commitment. So yes, I am still grieving. It's been three years since our divorce, and it hurts just as much today as it did the day I found out about my husband's affair. The day my forever fell apart.

I had so many things I wanted to write today, I knew if I sat down here at the computer and started typing, this would turn into a rambling post that would probably bore the shit out of most of you. But hey, it's my therapy, dammit.

But ironically, just now, an email popped up in the corner of my computer screen from The Secret. And I have decided that maybe it was sent to me this morning for a reason.

What is the answer to every difficult circumstance in life?

Take the positive path.

Choosing the positive path can be easy at some times in our life and more difficult at other times. When everything is going along well, when we are on a roll, choosing the positive path just flows through us as an easy, natural choice. When something negative comes along it can be far more challenging for us to choose the positive path. But choose it we must! No matter how challenging the negativity may be, there is simply no other way to bring our lives back into positivity.

If negative situations appear, you must use your will and refuse to lower yourself to negative thoughts, words, actions, and emotions. Use your will and decide that not only will you focus on the positive, but you will ramp up the positive in every thought, word, and action of your day.

It takes determination, strength, faith, and the power of your will to focus on the positive when intense negativity descends, but remember that the Universe and the law of attraction are with you. As you focus on the positive, focus more on the positive, think of the positive, speak of the positive, and take positive and good actions, the law of attraction will give your life wings. Suddenly you will look around you and you will find that the negativity has gone, and that your life has been filled with goodness and joy.

So, in light of this, I've decided to start this post over today....and here goes.

Hi everyone, I got married 5 years ago today. It was a really nice day.

Better today.

My mom is better today. She sat up last night and ate some dinner, and was far more responsive than she has been in the past two days.

Perhaps it was just as simple as the bad kidney infection affecting her in such a negative way, causing her to be nonresponsive and incoherent when she did respond, and now that the antibiotics have kicked in, she's coming back to us.

I think we dodged a bullet on this one.

Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers. My family and I really appreciate it.

It's been an emotionally draining few days. I came back from Vegas tired as it was, and ran headlong into the prospect of losing my Mom. Needless to say, I may be a little incoherent myself now. I had two Vodka & Tonics last night and practically passed out from them!

I'll pull together the Vegas post this weekend and it will be up on Monday. Meanwhile, GO BUCKS....beat Toledo today. And by the way, in the midst of the craziness the past couple of days, I closed another house. Yay!

What's your weekend plans?

I'm not ready for this.

My mom is sick.

As you probably know, she's 85 and in a nursing home. She's been failing for a couple of months now. Physically and mentally. Her formerly sharp as a tack mind is becoming noticeably forgetful.

Yesterday she became quite unresponsive. Not waking, not talking, not eating, not moving.

We do know now that she has a bad kidney infection, and they have started her on antibiotics.

Infection is hard on anyone's body, especially an elderly person. This could explain why she is so out of it. She wakes up for maybe 30 seconds, says something that usually doesn't make a lot of sense, and falls back asleep.

Well, twice she woke up to say to me she's lived a good life...and then she was out again. Tell me that doesn't make you feel a little scared that she knows something I don't.....

I hope it's just the infection and that in about 24 hours after the antibiotics kick in, she'll be back to her old self.

Right now, the silence is deafening. I watched my Dad shut down in this same manner. We lost him five years ago today.

I'm not ready for her to go too.

But if she is ready...then I will accept it. I don't have a choice really.

Do me a favor. Say a prayer for her that she gets what she wants. Whether it's to stay here with us awhile longer, or go be with Dad and Linda. Whatever she wants, I want it for her.

We shall see what today brings.

The Bitch Is Back

Stone cold sober, as a matter of fact.

Granted, it's for the first time in four days, but still.

It's late Wednesday night, and yeah, go figure...I come back to the east coast the same day my body finally gets adjusted to west coast time, so I can't sleep even though I'm too tired to blog about my trip. Had a blast, but got a lot of work accomplished which mean two days of walking 8 hours a day in addition to all the foot travel one experiences on the Strip. Ugh.

My back is missing the alcohol it was being numbed with the past few nights in Vegas. I'm pretty sure I won't walk completely upright until the weekend.

Left some money on the blackjack table, was too busy working to catch up with Linda Lou which made me sad beyond belief, and am not even bothering to weigh in this week as my scale may self destruct.

Be back Friday with a better Vegas review and incriminating pictures.

Happy 50th Birthday, Pip!!!!!

Today is my dear  friend Lee Ann's 50th birthday!

Don't ask why I call her Pip.  I have no idea, it was just always her nickname that I gave her when we were young.  We became close friends as young kids in the same  neighborhood, and were best friends through high school.  You may remember this post  from June when we finally saw each other again after almost 30 years. 

So anyway, today is the big FIVE OH for her, and she is launching a new blog of her own called "When life gives you scraps, make a quilt!"    So for her birthday, I'd love it if you guys would go to her blog and become a follower and wish her a Happy 50th ok?

Happy Birthday, Darlin!  I hope it's a great day!  I'll see you when I get back and we'll go out to dinner to celebrate. This one's for you!!!!!

(Oh and yes, I am still in Las Vegas. Heading home today! Will update with stories tomorrow!!!!)

Hey baby, let's go to Vegas....

....we'll kiss the single life goodbye....hey baby let's go to Vegas...bet on love and let it ride.

(There I am, holding up the sign on my last trip there. You probably don't recognize me with the hat on.)

Just kidding, I'm not going to Vegas to get married.

I don't think.  But you never know about me! 


But this afternoon I *am* off to Sin City for a few days of work and play!  My boss is taking me and my co-worker out there for the big Las Vegas Market (it's an interior design thing), but that doesn't start until Monday...so we've got a day and a half to play!

I will be hanging out with my best bud Linda Lou.  Can. Not. Wait. 

I'll be doing a little gambling.  Not much though.  $50 on Blackjack is all I'm willing to  lose spend on entertainment.

Gonna do some imbibing in alcohol and if I know my boss, we will undoubtedly end up at a gay Drag Show at some point.  Probably tonight.

Not sure if I'll be blogging while I'm gone, taking the laptop with me so you never know.  Have a great week and I'll be back Wednesday!!!!

I'm a frickin genius!!!! ***UPDATED****

OK wait...

...so I think I just figured out how everyone else does posts with different fonts and colors!!!  

A year and a half blogging, 

500+ posts and

I'm just now figuring this out!!!!

I'm all damn excited!!!!!

OK so the way to do it is....when you open up the window to compose a new post,  the top right used to just have Edit HTML and Preview.  At some point it turned into a 3rd option which is "Compose".  Under that you can picks fonts, colors, etc.  Now, I also remember last night that under the Settings tab, the Basics, at the bottom it says "Global Editor" and there is an option to pick the updated Editor which I believe is why I have this new "Compose" feature.


Or not.  Who the hell knows.


All I know is now I know how to pretty up my posts!  Yay!

We will never forget.

I borrow this from my buddy Airman Mom's blog from earlier this week. Every one of you reading me today needs to watch it. I know we will never forget, but please take a moment today to remember.



God bless the people on those planes, and in the buildings that fell. We will never forget you....you are true heroes.

Weigh In Day....

....and sadly, nothing new to report.



Still the same as last week. Total pounds lost 30.1 since April 9th.

It's all good though. As I've stated before, it seems my body cycles through weight loss...every other week is a no loss week. It happens every single time....good week, bad week, good week, bad week.

Here's my pattern since July 1st:

-1.1 lbs

+0.2 lbs

-1.7 lbs

+0.4 lbs

-3.1 lbs

+0.2 lbs

-2.4 lbs

+0.7 lbs

-2.7 lbs

+0.4 lbs

-2.6 lbs

No change

So I guess I can be happy that this time I broke the cycle of gaining on the off week...by neither losing or gaining.

It's weird, I really stay on plan, it's not like two weeks out of four I'm off it and those are the weeks I don't lose anything. I've just had to accept that every other Weigh In Day, I'm going to alternate between "Yay! I lost a few more pounds and am that much closer to my goal!" to "Dammit, scale...MOVE south you worthless hunk of plastic and metal!!!!"

It's easy to get discouraged when it doesn't move. Just like it's easy to be really motivated when it does. But I've learned to find the positives in the off weeks when there is no loss on the scale.

For example, today I dug into the Divorce Archives (you know, the stockpile of clothes I bought four years ago when I was going through my divorce and dropped 30 lbs practically overnight from the stress) and pulled out 5 pairs of pants to try on and see if they fit.

Voila...I have new clothes to take to Vegas on Saturday! Because they do fit, and they look good! Now at least I have some jeans that don't bag in the butt or fall down when I walk.

I had dinner with Dr. Penny last week, and it helped me to reconcile my feelings about the number on the scale when I realized that while we are both wearing the same size clothes right now....she is 45 lbs lighter than me. See, I told you guys I have really heavy bones!!!!! I wasn't making that crap up! I weigh sooooo much more than I look. And consequently I feel like I have to be within that weight range for a female my height, but the truth is that I don't think my body can get that small. Seriously, if I was at the low end of the range, I'd look bulimic. My goal weight is 10 lbs over what the high end of my range is. Trust me, I will look and feel fabulous at that.

OK so next week's weigh in will be the day I get back from Vegas. While I know I will be doing a LOT of walking while I'm out there, I'm also realistic enough to know that I'm going to be doing my fair share of drinking as well. I will try to eat as healthy as I can, and limit myself to a couple of drinks a day. And no fruity drinks by the pool Hopefully I can come back and still show my usual 2-4 lbs loss for the week....

Then I have two weeks to lose as much as I can before I head to Dallas and spend four days with Deb and Jill.

I will come back from there in need of a new liver.

Let's just think of *that* little trip as being on a liquid diet....

I cannot get enough of this.

So you've been reading me long enough to know my love of the show Rescue Me. I can't explain my lust for Dennis Leary but it's palpable.

However, I find this scene to be hilariously funny and he's not even in it. This is the guys discussing a problem Garity is having with his dick.

Fair warning, there is language here....so be careful listening if impressionable ears are close by!



Seriously, I cannot love this show more. It makes me laugh out loud every damn episode.

Bachelor #412....Seriously.

Been a long time since I did a Bachelor post, but this one deserved a blog all of his own.

I'm afraid to know what his profile looked like before, but clearly he's had problems with women not being too responsive to him. So now he's dropped all requirements for a woman and just wants one that breathes, evidently....

Before you read his profile though, you have to know that he has several pictures with it, but one of them is what I can only assume, his high school Senior Picture. Now, the guy is 46. The feathered hair and aviator glasses from back then isn't really a good look for him, and if he still looks that way now, it may explain his lack of return calls from women!

Anyway, here's his profile:

WELL LADIES I HAD TO CHANGE THE CRAP THAT WAS HERE !SO HERE GOES , I AM LOOKING FOR A WOMAN ,BIG OR SMALL TALL OR SHORT I JUST WANT SOME ONE THAT I CAN GIT TO KNOW,AND WHEN SHE SAYES THAT SHE IS GOING TO DO SOMTHING (LIKE CALL ME ON THE PHONE AND IS NOT TIED UP 24 HOURS A DAY .I KNOW THAT IS BULL $#*&% .ALL I WANT IS TO GIT TO KNOW YOU ON THE INSIDE, THE REAL YOU) IF THAT IS TO MUCH THEN JUST GO ON DOWN THE E-MAIL ROAD!!! SORRY BUT I HAVE BEEN ON HERE FOR ONE YEAR OR SO AND IT THE SAME OLD STORY .I AM A GOOD HARTED MAN AND JUST WANT TO GIVE OF MY SELF AND TO MAKE SOME WOMAN HAPPY AND THAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY

God love him. I hope there is a woman out there for him, I really do. It's just not gonna be me, I'm afraid.

Hmmmmm, and other things.

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Why does Porky Pig wear a shirt but no pants.

Also, Why does Porky Pig wear a towel around his waist after a shower, and then remove the towel and put on a shirt with no pants?

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.

Prejudiced people are all alike.

What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?

Those who judge others will burn in Hell!

Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.

Evil is not all bad.

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness (or, It's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous).

There's no such thing as nonexistence.

Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.


And don't forget....I want you to check out my son's blog. He did a before and after weight loss post too. If you think mine was good, his transformation is amazing.

Click Here

And one more thing....go to my friend Sheila's Blog and read today's post. As a mom, with an elderly mom....it brought tears to my eyes. Such a beautiful post. If you are not a Grandma yet, you will love this.

OK dammit, get in here, I want you!

I want you to check out my son's blog. He did a before and after weight loss post too. If you think mine was good, his transformation is amazing.

Click Here

I love you, buddy, and I am *so* proud of you!!!!!

OK I don't do this often....

Here's a full body shot of me from the end of May, when I was in Vegas with Linda Lou.



And this was yesterday. Me minus 30 lbs.



Comparing the two gives me motivation because I can see it now. And other people are noticing that I've lost weight, too. It's funny, I *know* I have, after all I'm the one watching the scale so intently, and having to buy new underwear because mine were falling down when I walked! But I think until you compare pictures to the old you...it doesn't really sink in because sometimes I still see me 30 lbs ago in the mirror.

According to Weight Watchers, I will be at my goal weight by my 49th birthday on March 22. So I'm not halfway here yet, I still have another 45 I want to lose, but I've put a damn good dent in it!

And come March 22nd, that body shot will be in a bathing suit.

Just because I can!

The Good Wife

So have you guys seen the promo ads for this new show? It looks fabulous for many reasons!!!!

First of all, it's got Mr. Big Chris Noth in it. Hello! Love him! Tall, dark and handsome....yum. I just want to climb to the top and have a seat.

(Think about that one for a minute, you'll laugh when it kicks in)

And Julianna Margulies (she's one of my girl crushes, FYI) plays a wife and mother who must assume full responsibility for her family and re-enter the workforce after her husband's very public sex scandal and political corruption lands him in jail.

There is something kind of identifiable for me in this show. Alicia (Margulies) basically has to transform herself from embarrassed politician's scorned wife to resilient career woman, especially for the sake of providing a stable home for her teenage children. In essence, she trades in her identity as the "good wife" and takes charge of her own destiny.

I can identify. I was a Good Wife! And then I became an embarrassed business owner's scorned wife who had to provide a stable home life for my (then) 14 year old son, and take charge of my own destiny after my husband's very public affair sex scandal and moral corruption!!!!!!

Unfortunately, my husband didn't look anything like this (for something this hot, I could put up with a whole lotta crap. I'm just sayin.):



But we all know I'm this gorgeous. My God the resemblence is uncanny!



Here's a little preview of the show. Looks great, doesn't it?



So get it on your calendars, peeps. Tuesday, September 22nd. 10pm EST.

There will be a quiz afterwards.

I met Mr. Right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK so I technically don't know *who* he is, but whoever wrote this could clearly be the man of my dreams.

So if you know him, give him my digits will ya?


• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

• I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with a flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

• I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

• I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

• The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

• There is a great need for sarcasm font.

• I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

• Was learning cursive really necessary?

• Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

• Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

• My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

• Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

• I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

• I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

• Bad decisions make good stories

• Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

• Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

• If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

• There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

• "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

• I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

• While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

• When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

• I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

• As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

• It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

• I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

• My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

• It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

• I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

• The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard.

Well this is one way to do it.

Who needs to forward emails when you have a blog to use as your platform? I'm not big on political stances and religious discussions however, I found this to be a very interesting read. I'm not trying to force my political viewpoint on anyone nor am I questioning your particular values when it comes to what God you choose to (or not to) believe in. This is just a perspective that I enjoyed reading.

Take from it what you will.

I have no idea how much of this, if any, was written by Ben Stein, and how much has been changed and modified by people before emailing it on to their friends. So I'm not saying it's accurate as far as who wrote it, but the message is still interesting nonetheless.

The following was alledgedly written by Ben Stein and supposedly recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Hurricane Katrina).. Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events.... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit.

If not, then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

Tuesday's Texts From Last Night

It's that time again....more quotes from Texts from Last Night. Enjoy!

(502): I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.

(706): im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick

(804): god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.

(949): you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."

(410): I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
(412): I cherish every text you send me

(518): you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'

(916): do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?

(337): I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.

(816): We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.

(540): Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.

(614): Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers

(512): boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.

(651): my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego

(702): the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!

(817): she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'

(917): you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys

(904): i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.


(541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

And my favorite....

(912): I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person.

Happy Tuesday!