Welcome to a warm, sunny Saturday....finally!

Morning, all....

It's going to be fairly nice in Ohio today and I'm looking forward to it! I have plenty of yard work that needs done....

Nothing newsworthy to report. Hung out at home last night, catching up on DVR'd stuff, since my date wasn't feeling well and cancelled on me. The week was fairly uneventful, although things are work are looking up and it makes for much less stressful days at the office that way.

Started tanning yesterday. Gotta get my pasty white body some other shade before Vegas! It's bad enough I'm gonna hang out with those two gorgeous skinny bitches (no, there will be no photos of me standing between them....we will look like the number 101!) so I figure if I can't hide it, might as well decorate it with color!

Wii Fit tells me I'm 41 today and have lost 2.4 lbs since Thursday. Have I mentioned that I love Wii Fit?

Sorry this is short, but I work up with motivation to exercise this morning and I don't want to blow it by getting too comfortable in this chair!

Tomorrow will be my Sunday Rewind post, so I will wish you all a Happy Easter now! Hope the bunny makes you smile...

Important Women's Health Issue

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.



Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

*Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration

*Loss of motor control

*Loss of clothing

*Loss of money

*Headache

*Dehydration

*Dry mouth

*Desire to sing Karaoke


WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may make you
think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to
tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to
think you can sing.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may make your
clothes fall off.

WARNING:

If you are my sister, the consumption of Margaritas can make you do headstands, belly flops, and pull your top down in the swimming pool, in addition to giving you the "flu" the next day. You know who you are.

This public service announcement was brought to you by Don Patron.

Tattoos R Us - Well, it's him.

My son got his first tattoo yesterday. I say "first" because he's already planning the next one(s). I guess the apple didn't fall far from this tree, eh?

So here's a picture of it close up....



And here's where it is on his arm....



Now, in case you are wondering what this means, Viva la Vida means Live the Life (or it can also be interpreted as Long Live Life)and the rest is a memorial to my sister...her year of birth, initials, and year of death. He was very close to her, and like the rest of us, brokenhearted when she died. When he told me he wanted to do this, I got very teary over it, as you can imagine. I think it's wonderful that he would pay tribute to her in this way, even though I'm sure she's looking down from heaven right now saying "Oh Gordo!", and rolling her eyes at the idea of him getting a tattoo!

Funny story about their relationship, Jordan always called Linda "Nina". When he was little, he just started calling her Nina, I think he could not say Linda and it was the next easiest thing, and then over the years "Nina" kind of became his word for Aunt....he would tell his friends "That's my Nina". He called her that til the day she died. And she always called him Gordo instead of Jordan.

I think his Nina would be pleased.

You know, this really makes a lot of sense....

So why didn't I think of it?

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.'
--Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
--Author Unknown

'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey

'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'
--Dave Barry

'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.'
--Bob Ettinger

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''
--Paula Poundstone

'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien

'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner.'
--Lynda Montgomery

'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni

'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.'
--Johnny Carson

'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'
--Paul Rodriguez

'My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.'
--Jerry Seinfeld

'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson

'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.'
--Oscar Wilde

'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain

'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan .'
--A. Whitney Brown

'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!''
--Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.
-- Unknown, presumed deceased

'Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.'
--W. C. Fields

And lastly:

Why in the hell should I have to 'Press 1 for English?'
--Every American

OK so check this out, and be jealous.

Well, maybe not all of you will be jealous, only those who love ink!

As I mentioned in this post, I begged my friend Penny to design a tattoo for me. My criteria was....

1. It has to be sexy.

2. It has to be pretty.

3. It has to be colorful.

4. I like cherry blossoms.

So, I got my drawing in the mail the other day. And I LOVE IT. And I can't wait to get it! It's going on my left shoulder/upper back.

What do you think? Gorgeous, eh? Now the burning question of the day is...how big do I want to go? I'm thinking the whole upper left quadrant, on my shoulder blade/scapula area. You know what I mean? The drawing is about 9" tall, and I'm not inclined to reduce it much! It's too beautiful to make too much smaller, and besides I'm a big girl....there is nothing petite on me! I'm a firm believer in "Go big or go home." Have you seen my hair? LOL

The best part is that Penny is going with me to get it done when she gets back in town in June, so she can actually direct the tattoo artist on the color and shading as he's doing it. Sweet!!!!

I. Can't. Wait.

I want a new drug....

And here are my options:

D A M N I T O L
Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ...Can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

And my personal favorite...

F U C K I T O L
For when life just blows...fuckitol.

As a single gal, I think I need a round of Menicillin. For you married ones, take two Jackasspirin and call me in the morning.

Sunday Rewind

It's my blogging day off...so please enjoy this post from August of last year discussing my girl crush!!! It's about time for the new season of her show to start and I'm all kinds of excited!!!

I have a girl crush.

I swear to you I am not a closet lesbian, but if I were a dude, I'd be all over this woman.

My current crush is Tabatha. She was on Shear Genius last season, and I love, love, love her. And now, she has her own show on Bravo...Tabatha's Salon Takeover! Woohoo! I, as usual, DVR'd it last night and then stayed up til midnight watching. LOVES IT!!!!! (as screeched in my best gay man voice)



I don't know, there's just something about a royal bitch who wears nothing but black, speaks with an Australian accent that makes even her meanest comments acceptable, bossing people around and basically just taking zero shit from anyone or anything in the world...that I find attractive!

I'm surprised she doesn't have a whip.

Actually, I really do don't want to know if she does. I might like her too much then!

Ah, who am I kidding? I could only be a lesbian...until it was my turn.

Happy Sunday!!!!

Thanks for indulging my inner Attention Whore.

Thank you all for your comments yesterday on my blogiversary! I made it over 100! Wooohooo! I have officially *arrived* in BlogWorld now!

I picked up about 10 new followers, which is great...except now I have to spend the next year convincing *them* I really am funny and entertaining and worth the stalking effort! Oh well, somehow I've gotten the rest of you to believe it so far! It can't be that hard to do, right?

Regardless, I will be around to visit each and everyone of you to stalk you mercilessly repay your kind words and thoughts....

Many thanks to Missy for volunteering to send me her handcuffs. Her husband is still trying to figure *this* out.

And for the other 80 of you who batted your eyes all innocently and said "Why, I don't have any handcuffs, Julie....", all I have to say is:

Bitch, please. LOL

You've either had them at one time, currently have them, or are out buying some right this minute. I know who you are, you are not fooling me in the least! But I'll keep your little Pollyanna secrets. For now.

Meanwhile, let me just say thanks again for all the comment love slipping you a big one...



You're welcome.

Anniversaries and handcuffs. Today is my day for both.

One Whole Year. 415 Blog Posts. Look what the hell I've started!

I'll get to the handcuffs issue here in a minute...

A year ago I began writing a blog. No idea why! Just sat down and started typing. Here's what I wrote on Day One...

Wow.

Why is it that I feel 37 mentally and 57 physically? Gee, maybe because I'm overweight, out of shape, still smoking on occasion, and refusing to set foot anywhere near a gym? Let's face it, if I'm going to be sweating and breathing hard, there better be nudity involved. I'm just sayin.

So I decided to start blogging. Jump on the wagon, so to speak. (Hey, that would qualify as exercise, right?) I was told today that I should start recording everything I eat..."if you bite it, write it". That way you are more cognizant of your food behaviors.

Food behaviors? I eat anything that doesn't move. How's that for a food behavior?

OK so back to the purpose of this blog. I just turned 47 a few weeks ago. Clearly, I'm not getting any younger. So if I plan on taking one last run at being "all that" (ok so I've never actually been "all that", but I'd like to, at least once before I die, hear someone say "You're too skinny!" without any sort of medical intervention being involved!)...anyway, I need to get that last run started.

The thing is, I *know* better. My best friend is a naturopathic doctor, for heaven's sake! She has tried for years to get me on the right track (not to mention, to save my life) and I've fought her every step of the way. Whining at the top of my lungs..."It's too "hard" to eat healthy and organic and natural. I don't "like" to exercise. Yes, I "know" I have no business eating meat or any other animal products with my history of colitis, and family history of colon cancer." I can lecture other people until the cows come home about the bad effects of dairy on your body! (pun intended) So it's not like I'm stupid, or clueless, and have gotten to this point in life by accident. My body is what it is because of my own negligence. Period. I got nobody to blame but me.

So I figured accountability is a good place to start. I don't know if anyone will ever read this, so I'm not sure who I'm being accountable to or what I'm really even accounting for. Am I going to post what I eat every day? Maybe. That should be good for a laugh. Am I going to post how lazy I am and how much time I log being hortizontal rather than vertical? Possibly.

I'm just starting slowly at the exercise thing. If I type enough, I should have really skinny fingers, right?

So, check it out. Nothing here has changed in the past year! Clearly I suck at the accountability thing.

But what I've gained this last 365 days is a newfound love for writing, a way to entertain myself while indulging in my favorite past time, (which is talking about myself, evidently!) and most importantly, I've made lifelong friendships.

Those are things I had no idea I would get when I set out on this journey.

So I thank all of you who have brought your stories into my life, and allowed me to share mine with you. Your kindnesses have been as important as your kicks in my ass when I needed them. Your high fives and words of encouragement have brought me to laughter and tears.

Some of you have sent alcohol. That too has been very much appreciated. LOL

I hope each of you reading this right now has at some point, taken something away from this blog that affects you as well. If I have ever helped anyone through experiences or stories from my own life, then I consider my blog a success. You have no idea how many of you have changed my life with yours.

Thank you for coming along on this ride with me. I'll try not to drive us off into the ditch, I promise!!

NOW...on to the handcuffs.

I need a pair. You know, the real thing. A good pair of steel handcuffs, or whatever cops use. Preferably not brand new, more a pair that's been used a few times.

I'll give 'em back, I swear. I just need to borrow them for three weeks.

I work for an interior designer, and we do something called Decorator's Showhouse every other year, it's a fundraising type event here. This year, our room is The Vault...it's a wine cellar in the basement. And my boss always puts something unexpected in his rooms.

This year he wants handcuffs.

And I *know* one of you kinkmeisters out there has a pair you'll loan me. I'll pay for postage if you have to ship them to me but I need them by April 17th.

C'mon...confess. Who's got 'em, and who's gonna let me borrow them? (Fine, email me in private if you're too embarrassed to admit it publicly!)

Anyway...thanks for the 100+ comments you guys are leaving me today. I have total confidence in my readers!!!!

I need a HUGE favor from all of you!

First things first...what do you think of the new blog layout? I'm still playing around with what I want, but this will do for now...give me your feedback, ok? After all, you guys are the ones foolish enough voluntarily reading this every day!

Second, mosey over to Dana's blog today. She wrote an entire post about me! LOVE her!!! (And I've totally got her fooled into thinking I'm nice and sweet and helpful and all that. She doesn't realize I just need a place to vacation in Florida for free!)

So, onto the real reason for this post!

Tomorrow is my one year blog anniversary!

How exciting, right? It's been an entire year that I've been boring the shit out of you while deluding myself that I'm interesting entertaining you with my charming personality!

Now, I have a lot of readers every day, but I get an average of 25 comments at any given time.

I want you guys to break the bank for me.

My biggest record for comments in one day was around 80 back in January when we had the Vinnie Fiasco unfortunate discussion about relationships, so I want to kick that comment day's ass.

Are you with me?

So tomorrow, Friday, April 3rd, will all of you faithful readers leave me comments, and ask YOUR blog readers to do so as well?

Come on. I don't ask for much. I just want a 100 comment day.

Fine, I'll promise sexual favors if I have to. Whatever it takes.

Tomorrow is the Big Day. Don't forget me. It's my anniversary, for God's sake. I've never had a good anniversary...my first wedding anniversary my Dad died, and my second was eight days before the divorce was final. I deserve a good anniversary, dammit. (I am sooooo not above going for sympathy comments here!)

Put it on your To Do list. "Friday, April 3rd...leave Julie a comment to shut her up".

There, that was easy.

Thanks!!!

Excuse my mess...

For my impending blogoversary, I am undergoing a minor facelift.

Yes, I'm getting Blogtox.

Bear with me while I figure out what I'm doing....things will probably change on and off over the next few days so if you see something that you like, tell me!

I should not be entertaining myself in this self indulgent manner.

But I am.

And frankly, how self absorbed can one person be than to do an entire blog post devoted to pictures of herself?

Hey, the experts say you gotta love yourself before anybody else can love you. Clearly I have NO issues with that!!!! ROFLMAO!

Product Review - Avitae Energy Water!

(Dr. Penny, do not go any further! Exit out of here now!!!! Trust me, you do not want to read this!!!)

Here's the fun thing about having a blog that a lot of different people read....you get free stuff if you blog about it! I've got two books I'm reading right now to do reviews on, and I have the Eden's Fantasy guy just waiting for my choice of toys. LOL...meanwhile here's my first ever review.



My friend Kaylea works for a marketing company, and she asked me to do a review of a new product they are distributing. It's called Avitae, and it's caffeinated water.

Their website says:

It’s me avitae. That’s ah-vee-tay.

I’m made of nothing more than purified water and natural caffeine. I don’t have colors, flavors or any of those not-found-in-nature ingredients. So, if you’ve been living in the wasteland between boring old bottled water and for-the-love-of-pete-why-is-this-neon-colored energy drinks, then I might come as a welcome change.

I’m energy water.

Sorry if you really love niacinimide and yellow #5, but you’re out of luck here. Every bottle of avitae is filled only with purified water and 45 milligrams of natural caffeine, taken straight from the coffee bean.

45 milligrams is just about the same amount of caffeine as a diet soda, so you can switch to avitae without making a blip on your caffeine radar.

Purified water with caffeine. The natural way.

Now, I will tell you, I really liked this stuff. It tastes like spring water but wakes you up in a really good way! I didn't have any of the weird, jittery feelings you can get with some energy drinks, I just found myself wanting to clean house!

I don't believe this product has hit mass production yet, but you can check out their website for more information.

Thanks, Kaylea for sending some my way, and if you need me to continue testing it, I'm happy to!!!! Bring it on, sister!

Rescue Me. Please.

First of all, let me just say that I didn't elaborate on my date more yesterday because no guy is going to be happy finding out his dating life is plastered on a blog and being graded by a bunch of strangers (to him...you're all MY friends!).

What I will tell you is that he's 52, divorced, two adult children, he works in a related field to mine, he's taller than me, nice looking, fun, smart, as quick with the one liners as I am, and seems to be a really great guy. Time will tell if he's a really great guy for me or not.

Went to see the Eagles last night. OMG...they are the best band ever. Seriously. I have never loved a group like I do them, and they never fail to deliver. Yes, they came out and started to sing and I got teary. I am that much of a sap!

Now, on to the subject at hand.

Rescue Me.

Pretty much my most favorite show on TV. And the new season starts a week from tomorrow. If you haven't watched, it's a show starring Denis Leary on FX, about a group of firefighters post 911. This show is one of the funniest fricking things on TV. And how they get away with a lot of what they are allowed to say, amazes me!

You just have to watch it.

Linda Lou and I are in love with Denis Leary with a passion that is usually reserved for all things chocolate. Normally I'm not into tall skinny blonde men but for some reason, his character turns my crank. Probably because he is SO dysfunctional....LOL.

Enjoy a little Rescue Me.

In this one, Probie discovers a lump:



And this one is about the Spank Bank:



And this is Dirty Talk (ignore the subtitles, not sure what that's from!!!)



OH, and this one. LOL



Now, who's as big of a fan as I am?

And the answer to the burning question is....

Yes, the date went well.

Met an an Italian restaurant, had some good wine, great conversation, and you can't ever go wrong with Salty Caramel ice cream for dessert!!!

I believe we may try it again.

Can I have your attention please?

This will be short but sweet.

I have a date tonight.

OK everybody pick yourselves up off the floor and keep reading....

Yes, a date, with who appears to be a "normal" guy. (No, I have not written about him in my blog at all!) Please wish me luck, that he's as good in person as he is on email, phone and text. If he is, this will be a lot of fun. If he's not, it will be a fast meet & greet and I'm outta there.

Will be back with a full report tomorrow. I have to go clothes shopping now. LOL

I really know how to attract 'em...Part 2

March 24, 2009

helo pretty.

hi am Mr frank kelvin am 50 years old from new maxico am divorced with a son of 23 years old .. i live in my own apartment and i love pets so much ... i just noticed your profile and i really find interest in you and i will love to know you more . you really look beautiful and you look like one of the queen sent down to earth with heart of honor ,,,i have been lonely all this wile and i want to get to know some one that i will say some thing good to and some one that will understand me we are not getting younger...we need some one special in our life's.. well i have a super market were i seal things and i have 3 employees working with me i really like them they are doing good job for me my supermarket is just 5 miles away from my house.. and i go there every day to see how they are doing i seal wears and food stock and i have sections that i seal golds and i really like the business.. well that is a little about me and i will like to know about you ...tell me what you like and dislike? i am ready to prove this to you that i really like you and we need to get get to know each other..

from your friend Mr frank kelvin if you wish to email me my email and yahoo mi is frankkelvin21@yahoo.com

Dear Frank,

Have you met my lesbian lover, Darlene?

Love, Julie

(PS....not intending to piss off my other lesbian lovers, Deb, Linda, Jill, Danica, etc. Frank can only handle so much in one day.)

The Horth Whithperer and other important news

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth.. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing, and says:

'Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

***********************************

Ah yeah, funny stuff.

So, I feel like crap. Got the whole runny nose, stuffed sinuses (which how does that work exactly, if it's all running out, what's in there to be stuffy?), headache, ears hurt, you name it. Been taking Umcka and while it's certainly cut down the symptoms, I'm still feeling crappy. Ugh, hating this.

Still working on getting a new blog layout. My problem is that I don't like any colors I'm finding to do it with! I'm not a bright and cheery kind of gal. Give me neutral or warm colors anyday. I'd play with it myself but I just don't have time. So I'm going to pay someone to do it for me.

Penny is officially drawing my tattoo! Woohoo! She's such an amazing artist, and I've always wanted one of her paintings, but evidently I have to wait until she dies and steal it from her estate....(and as healthy as she is, God knows she'll probably outlive me by 30 years or so!)...so I decided to commission her to "draw" my new tat instead! That way, I get my own original artwork, and she'll always have her artwork on display! I can't wait to see what it looks like. We're going to the tattoo place in June when she gets home.

I think that's it for now....

I love men who can handle their balls.

Even if you aren't a football fan, you gotta respect any guy who can handle his balls like this.

It's time for a makeover.

In light of my one year blog anniversary coming up, I need a blog facelift. When I created this blog, I just did a very simple design, and I can live with it or change it, doesn't matter. The layout doesn't offend me.

What I really want is a new header.

Something snappy. Something fun. Something that reflects me.

(No, a fat Joan Rivers is not appropriate here)

I have no idea how to do headers, and some of you have such cute and creative ones. So I need to find someone who is talented enough to come up with something, and is willing to make it for me.

I don't want to spend an arm and a leg on a blog makeover, but I'm ready to get a little work done. Some Blogtox if you will.

Who do we know who can do this?