Geography lesson for today.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran,

Ruled by Nuts.

Bachelor #12....and I almost feel bad for posting this.

OK here we go, Bachelor #12. Now, I'm not sure if this guy is Nicaraguan or not (you know they are always trying to get us amazing American women to send them money to come visit us!), his profile was quite blank! So whoever would like to email him, feel free! haha

Hello Pretty how are you doing today My name is Mike we came across your profile while searching on this site, and saw you so attractive and decided to im you. You are sopretty that i believe God spent extra time creating you and if i were to present your picture in heaven, all the angels would hide their faces in shame.. I am a widower, I Lost my wife 3 yrs ago in car accident.. and since then I;ve been single and lonely . well i don't mind the distance , b cos i don't mind to relocate and meet the right one anywhere in the world ok.. all what matter is to build trust and be honest and caring to each other ok .. Ive a Boy name Loel and he is 12yrs old and am proud to be his father b cos he is the apple of my eyes well am looking for someone that will make happy am looking for the right one now you can IM me on This Yahoo Id lonelymike1958@yahoo.com i hope i will hear from you Thanks you

I'd feel bad dissecting this because of the "lost my wife in a car accident" thing, because it *could* be true. (Although, I doubt it, based on the rest of the email!) So I'm just going to leave this one alone and allow all the spelling and grammatical errors to speak for themselves.

However, I have to say that "You are sopretty that i believe God spent extra time creating you and if i were to present your picture in heaven, all the angels would hide their faces in shame" is possibly the best pickup line I've ever gotten.

I'm feeling all Victoria's Secret'ish right now, picturing myself as Heidi Klum, walking down the runway with my big angel wings, and all the other angels on the sidelines pissed off because clearly, I'm bringing sexy back.



Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?

Coming tomorrow...Bachelor #12

I know you are giddy with excitement.

Our adopted Christmas family.

As you know, I posted last week that my family decided to skip exchanging gifts amongst ourselves and adopt a family who needed it for the holiday.

My nephew's mother-in-law works at the school where these kids go, and all we knew at first was this:

The children range in age from preschool age to fifth grade. The mother and father are unable to provide even basic needs for their children. The mother Crystal,who is only 28 years old, has terminal cancer. She is desperately trying to write letters to each of her children so that they can read them on their 18th birthday.Anything you can contribute to Samuel, Sarah, Wayne,Sierra, Samie, and Thomas will be deeply appreciated.

But today, my nephew and his wife, who have been in charge of this event for us, emailed this:

Hi all...Here is what we got everyone...
Sierra- Dora toy cell phone, velour sweatsuit, pjs, coat
Wayne - Cowboy Hat, Cowboy playset, pjs, coat
Samuel- Yatzee game, Pirate toy, pjs, coat
Sarah- 2 Hannah Montana activity books, pjs, coat
Thomas- Spiderman toy, Memory game, pjs, coat
Samie- Hair accessories, Hannah Montana lotion set, pjs, coat

AND a $540 Walmart Gift Card for the family!!!

My mom brought the gifts, gift card, and Sue Ellen's ornaments to the school today. A couple of the teachers will deliver all the goods tomorrow night. From the sounds of it, we are all up for sainthood in their eyes!!! The teachers, principal (all involved) were in tears when they saw the parade of presents for the family. They never expected so much!

I am soooo glad we did this...it means so much! The mother wants to send out thank you's but we don't know if she has enough time left. She is at home on oxygen and everyone is hoping that she lives until Christmas. One of the teachers, at the father's request, took the girls this weekend to get dresses for the funeral...he wants them to look nice. I've encouraged my mom to push the school to nominate them for extreme home makeover...we'll see.

Please keep the family in your thoughts and prayers and feel good about a great deed!

This makes me very happy. THIS...to me...is the meaning of Christmas and gift giving. Exchanging with my family has been more of a chore..an obligation...for years. None of us "need" anything, and I found myself just buying random stuff in the mall, just to be able to check another name off my list of who to buy for.

This year, I feel like I've done something good. To know that those kids will have gifts to open, and food to eat, make it all worthwhile.

Just please, I ask each of you, to join me in saying a prayer that Crystal lives to see one more Christmas with her children.

Thank you....

Who wants to do something special?

Vinnie has asked me to post this link to his blog today, and I am more than happy to do so.

If all of my daily readers, who average about 200 of you kind, generous souls, would be willing to send Vinnie even just $1 for this lady, we could make her son's Christmas magical.

What do you think?

Overslept, no time to post

Crazy morning. My sister called and woke me up, and I was so out of it, I was like...

What time is it?

Um, it's 8:20!

What DAY is it?

It's Monday! Don't you have to be at work at 9?

Hell, I don't know. I honestly had no idea if I had to be up for work or if I was going to kick her ass for waking me the one day a year that I actually slept past 8am.

Turns out it was raining, therefore not very light outside, thus making my room still dark and fooling me into thinking I didn't have to get up yet! Plus none of the high school kids parked in front of my house this morning (which never happens, usually the slamming of car doors at 7:15 wakes me up)...so it was like the perfect storm of things causing me to sleep late.

Needless to say it's screwed my whole morning routine up! I haven't read the paper yet, so I have no idea what's going on in the world. I haven't had my first cup of coffee. And I had to come to work with wet hair, which in about an hour is not going to be a pretty sight.

Ugh. Just realized 5 years ago today, my sister had her massive stroke about 6pm. It was a Monday then as well. One of the worst days of my life.

On a better note, tickets for the Eagles concert go on sale in 2 minutes. Gotta run!

Setting the record straight

Last night, it came to my attention that one (or possibly more, but I think it's just one) of my readers has a problem with how I have referred...or more specifically...NOT referred to Jordan's Dad and Stepmom in my blog.

Evidently, this particular reader has gotten word to Greg (Jordan's Dad) that my blog is all about me being a single parent, raising Jordan alone, and makes no mention of his father or stepmom (Denise) or their financial contributions (ie: child support), emotional connection to Jordan, etc., and that I appear to act as though they do not even exist.

So I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.

Dear Reader:

Yes, Jordan has a father, as you obviously know. For the rest of you who don't, Greg has been his dad for all of his 18 years of life. LOL. He also has a stepmom, Denise, who's been helping raise this kid for the past 12 years. Jordan has a great relationship with them, as do I. There is no drama here...the three of us get along great, we parent our child as a group, and clearly it's worked out well as collectively we have raised one hell of a young man. Greg is a great father to our son, just as I am a great mother to him and Denise is a great "other mother". And Jordan is damn lucky to have a bonus mom such as Denise. She treats him no differently than she does her two children, or Greg's other son from his previous marriage. They are one big happy family, and I will forever be grateful to her for opening her heart to this kid who means the world to me.

I have not discussed them in my blog for the simple reason that I had no idea if they would *want* to be mentioned here, nor do we tend to do things together for me to discuss! There is a picture on the right side of this blog taken on Jordan's birthday last year of me and him, and what you don't see is that on the other side of Jordan sits his other two parents. I did not put the entire picture on here because...again...it was about respecting their privacy. I did not "cut them out of the picture to pretend they do not exist". And Greg and Denise, if you are reading this now and don't mind if I put the entire picture there, please let me know. Actually, I would love to...because for everyone who has never seen father and son together, it will clear up the issue of "Oh, Jordan looks a lot like his mom!" NO, he doesn't. He and his Dad are twins, 30 years apart in age. The only thing Jordan got from me is his big feet. (Yeah, thanks for that. I carried that child for 10 (that's right..10) months and evidently my sole contribution is his size 13 feet. Lovely!)

And yes, Reader, Greg has always paid child support. I have never discussed that here, and why would I? This blog is not about our financial arrangment! But rest assured, he is by no means a deadbeat dad.

For the record, Greg and Denise had Jordan every other weekend when he was growing up, plus holidays and time in the summer when he was out of school. They never missed a baseball game, a wrestling match, or a parent teacher conference. The past couple of years as he's gotten older, he hasn't spent as much time with them but frankly he hasn't spent much time with me either! He's a teenager with a car...has nothing whatsoever to do with whether he loves his parents or not! But he has a great relationship with them, and they are very much part of his life and always will be.

The more I thought about this last night, the more pissed off I got, that somebody would run to Greg or Denise and try to create drama where there is none. Prior to last night, I could not have told you if they read my blog or not. Didn't have a clue if they even knew it existed. I certainly have not hidden it from them, but the truth is that I don't share my life with them....I share a child with them. Anything that has to do with HIS life, we talk about. But I'm pretty sure they have far better things to do than to care whether or not I write a blog about what's going on with me. We are all friends, but we aren't in each other's business. When it comes to our son, we are all on the same page and that is all that matters.

In addition, dear Reader, you have evidently taken issue with the fact that I refer to myself as a single parent. Here's a newsflash for you.

I *am* a single parent.

Let me walk you through it to clear up the confusion. I am not currently married (aka...single) and I have a child (which makes me a parent). From where I stand that makes me...a Single Parent. Specifically I am a Single Mom. Now, maybe in your world, Single Mom means sole support of a child or children with deadbeat dad nowhere in the picture. However, in MY world, single parent means one person in the house raising their kid(s) as opposed to two people doing so. I have raised Jordan in MY house by MYSELF for almost all of his life, except for the time frame when he was about 12 to 15 and I was married (to my ex, who is NOT Jordan's father...keep up here). Me calling myself a single parent has ZERO to do with whether or not Jordan's father is in his life, or contributes financially to raising him...and everything to do with the fact that I am single, and have a child living at home.

I hope this sets the record straight for you, and clears up any misconception that you have, that I have somehow slighted Jordan's other parents here. But please understand something, this blog is about ME. I started this as a way to vent feelings and frustrations about being divorced. As a byproduct of talking about myself, my son gets dragged into it as well, because he's a huge part of my life. But in general I talk about things in MY life, not Jordan's. Therefore, if and when I have something to talk about where Greg & Denise are concerned, I will do so. In fact, come June when Jordan physically graduates with his class and we watch him walk up and get his diploma, I'm sure I will talk about them because it will be something we do together. (And it will probably say something along the lines of "Denise and I bawled like babies and Greg laughed at us". LOL) However, I'm not going to report every time he goes to his Dad's house or talks to him on the phone, in an effort to make sure everyone knows he has a relationship with his father! Everyone who truly knows us...knows he does. And Reader, you clearly know that as well, so do me a favor and stop trying to cause problems where there are none. If you don't like how I write, or what I write about...then stop reading.

And more importantly, if you have an issue with me, or the contents of my blog, take it up with me. Grow a pair, will ya?

Thanks.

And to the rest of my readers, I ask you...have I ever in this blog, given you the impression that Jordan didn't have a father in his life, or that his Dad was a deadbeat? Because that's what triggered this post today, that there is a perception out there to this effect. So to the many of you who read my blog...tell me the truth, do YOU have that perception?

Due to lack of interest, today has been cancelled.

Xmas party last night.

Drinking. Lots.

Fun though!

Sleep...little. (Did somebody put Red Bull in my wine??) (And seriously, what was that frozen Peppermint thing I was drinking?)

Tired. Very.

Funny. Not at all.

Tomorrow. Maybe.

Why I got kicked off the dating service

OK this made me laugh out loud. It probably explains the level of men who have contacted me...

Good luck tomorrow, Vinnie!

Vinnie is having knee surgery tomorrow. Please join me in wishing him a safe, fast and easy surgery and a quick recovery!!!

V - text me and let me know everything went ok, ok? Love ya!

And the "Write a Caption" winner is.....

*sniff sniff* Have you been into the vodka AGAIN?!?!

Congratulations, Jennifer Suarez!!!! Email me your address, I've got a little sumpin sumpin for you....

Thousand Words Thursday

I think this is self explanatory, don't you?



My neck IS better. Three visits to the chiro, three rounds of therapy, several pain pills and muscle relaxers, and 6 days later...and I'm back at least 90%! Still some stiffness and soreness but at least I can spin my head around on my shoulders again in my best Exorcist impression. That's always a plus when dealing with the masses at the mall. You'd be amazed how quickly the crowds at the register vanish and you can check out. I'm just sayin.

How can it be two weeks before Christmas? Seriously? Fortunately this year, my family has decided to "adopt a family" rather than exchange gifts among ourselves. We have found a family in which the mother has terminal cancer, and she has 5 children, and believe me they are living at poverty level. We have gotten coats for the kids, some toys and games, some food, and I believe had a nice chunk of money left over for a gift card to WalMart so that she can get whatever else she needs in the form of groceries or material things.

So the only person I'm actually buying for is my son. And he only wants one thing. I may be selling my body to get it but it's going to be his Christmas, 18th birthday (which is two days after Christmas) and graduation (he's out of school as of January 14th) gift. (OK yeah, I am also getting him a tattoo for his birthday but that doesn't count. LOL) He wants a Macbook laptop.

I want a sugar daddy.

Tattoos R Us

So, I have two tattoos. Some of you know this. Some of you don't know. Most of you could probably care less!

Tattoos are addicting. I love mine, and I want more. Problem is, I'm not big on them being seen by the general public. If you see mine, it's because I know you really well! They aren't viewable unless I'm semi-naked. (Which is not a view I really care to share with anyone at this point!)

But, seeing how we're all friends here, I'll share mine with you.

This one I've had for 20 years now. It's on my right hip, between my hip bone and my...well you know. It's hidden by all versions of underpants, thongs, bathing suits, etc! It's a butterfly landing on a rose vine. Keep in mind, I was laying on the floor with the camera held above my hip trying to take this picture! And since my stomach is a hell of a lot bigger not quite as flat as it was 20 years ago, it wasn't an easy picture to take!



It's not nearly as big as it looks. It's only about 3" tall. Unfortunately you can't see the big picture but trust me when I say, the band of my pants was barely covering the Promised Land as this was taken. Not sure why this looks like it's at my waist..it's not. I think that's where I was twisting in an awkward position trying to get a clear picture! If it helps, at the very bottom of the tattoo you see a little single vine, and it appears to faintly extend all the way to the right of the picture...that little faint line is my C-section scar. (TMI, right?) That should help explain where this tattoo is.

OK so flash forward to 2005. Worst year of my life because that's when my marriage went to hell. Right before the divorce was final, I went and got a "tramp stamp"...lower back tattoo with the word "Faith" in it. Believe me, I needed all the faith I could to believe I was going to survive that mess. It was so, so horrible, you just can't imagine. (Well, some of you can!!) So here's what that one looks like:



Ultimately what I want to do is add the words "Hope" and "Love" to the Faith one. And some more flowers, and stuff. Not sure how I want to position it yet, thus the reason it hasn't been done yet!

So we have an appointment on December 30th to get Jordan's tattoo, and I want to get one to commemorate him turning 18 and getting one too! I just don't know what I want, or where I want to put it. As I said earlier, I'm not good with tattoos that show. The only exception to that might be one on the inside of my ankle. Nothing big, just maybe a little vine of flowers. Oooh, I could get a vine with 18 flowers on it, that would be appropriate for his 18th birthday! I would get one on my foot but it's hard to let them heal properly in the winter.

Any ideas? Suggestions? Tell me what you think would be a good tattoo and where should I put it. Oh, and tell me about yours as well!!!!

Neck Update

Paid visits to my chiropractor last night and this afternoon. He adjusted me, did electric stim therapy, and pronounced my neck "fucked up". LOL..he's a cool doctor.

Took x-rays today as my last ones were from 2004, and I have a bone spur that's developed and one disk that is slightly degenerating. You could see my neck clearly leans to the left. It was weird! So, no more talking on the phone and trapping it between my shoulder and ear, no more sitting weird at the computer, no more sleeping on 30 year old pillows (But I LOVE LOVE LOVE my old thin raggedy pillows! They bunch up under my head perfectly!). Time to get one of those therapeutic pillows to sleep on at night.

Sigh.

Getting old sucks. But...it beats the alternative I guess.

Write a caption for this picture

Winner gets a very special sexual favor prize. OK I'm lying, you just get mentioned in my blog.

Unless it's a really good caption.

Pain hostage...day three.

OK seriously, I'm over this. NOTHING is helping the freaking neck/shoulder bullshit. Looks like a call to my chiropractor is in order today. Especially because I'm back at work, and can't be popping pills and chasing them with vodka. (Which makes me talk in my best Karen Walker voice!)

Went to see "Milk" yesterday. It's a fabulous movie. Ironically, directly in front of me sat a local TV newscaster who I had NO IDEA was gay. However, in light of the fact that he was sitting there holding another guy's hand...leads me to believe it's so.

Got my Xmas shopping done for my SSS partner, and will get that in the mail tomorrow, Georgie!!!

Let's see...what else. How about my question of the day? It's a follow up to the last one a few weeks ago...

If you could spend one year in perfect happiness but afterward remember nothing of the experience, would you do so? If not, then why not?

Sunday Rewind

In light of my current pain in the neck (yes, it's still here...no change from yesterday even though I tried most of your suggestions!), I thought I'd make my Sunday Rewind post the one from July 30th when I had this same problem.

Rinse, lather, repeat. Here you go.

Pain in the neck.

Yep, I've got one.

I've either been sleeping weird for several weeks now, or it's just my usual "compensating for my back hurting by walking/standing/sitting funny", but I've got the stiffest, sorest neck in town. I went to the chiropractor today and he could barely get it to adjust. My chiropractor knows me too well...

So have you been doing that "wild sex with hair pulling" thing again??

Um. No. Dammit. Just crack me and stop talking about the good old days. At this point I haven't had sex in so long I forget who gets tied up.

(For the record, he used to treat my ex as well, and it was a running joke when we'd both have to go in to see him that it was a result of bedroom gymnastics!) (Which, I can assure you, it NEVER was!)

I know I sit weird at work. My keyboard is too far away (I type with my arms extended), my eyes look down towards my monitor, and I know I slump in my chair. I need to rearrange things on my desk to make it more ergonomic friendly. And I really need my neck muscles to loosen up. I feel like someone has their hands wrapped around my throat right now. (And no, Dr. Wade, that's not a "wild sex with choking" thing either!)

And then I drive with my right arm resting on the little box storage thing between the seats, and my left hand on top of the wheel, while I'm leaning towards the right. Evidently I think I'm cool. Or pimp. If I had some rap blaring from the radio it would complete my look. (Go ahead, laugh at the visual. I am.)

And of course, I sleep in odd positions these days. It's funny, I slept alone basically for 40 years before I met my ex-husband, (ok well, let's just say I didn't have a lot of long term bed mates...but there were a few spending the night here and there! LOL!) and it took me a little while to get adjusted to having a partner in bed with me every single night. Then after our divorce, it took me a long time to readjust to sleeping alone again after 4 years. (2 married, 2 dating) You would think it would have been pretty easy to fall back into sleeping by myself, but it really wasn't. Sometimes it still isn't. Sometimes I still prop a pillow behind my back when I'm laying on my side because it feels like he's curled up behind me. (Wow, that just sounded really pathetic but I'm leaving in there anyway because it's the truth!) Regardless, a lot of times I have to put a pillow between my knees, or if I happen to be laying on my back (which I don't often do not only because it hurts, but because I snore and keep myself awake!) I put one under my knees, which somehow ends up making my neck hurt.

And I wonder why I can't sit comfortably for a 2 hour movie at the theater anymore? Christ, if anything more starts to hurt, I'm going to end up being held together with duct tape and spackle.

In other news...

Hell, who am I kidding? I haven't got any other news. My life is all glamour, isn't it?

Enjoy your Sunday! We got 2" of snow yesterday so I'm not going to do much besides hang out with the ice pack and try to get rid of this annoying pain in the neck!

I woke up with a pain in the neck, and I don't mean my ex!

Yesterday I woke up with a pain in the neck, literally. Right side, into my shoulder, you know that pulled muscle feeling that you must have slept with your head at a 90 degree very odd angle all night?? It freaking hurt all day long, and made me VERY cranky yesterday. Just ask the people who's heads I bit off for little to no reason!

So last night I iced it down, hit the bottle of muscle relaxers, did all the things one should do to fix this problem (including the optional Sweet Tea drink!) and went to bed early.

Fucker hurts worse today. Now I can barely turn my head and the entire upper right side of my back/shoulder hurts! Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

It sucks getting old. I don't understand how I can injure myself sleeping. Seriously! I go to bed fine and wake up with shit that hurts for no possible reason. Other than to make me feel like a hypochondriac.

The fear of this never getting better *almost* makes me want to start exercising and dieting. LOL Whadda ya think, Deb? Should we do a challenge together??

They have a lot to bond over. **UPDATED**

Interesting story in People magazine about Shania Twain hanging out with the husband of the woman her husband had an affair with.

If you've never been in this situation, you might find this bizarre.

If you have been in it, you know that the two wronged spouses have far more in common than they ever wanted to. And have a lot to talk about. And nobody in the world understands what they are going through the way they do. And sometimes you just need a friend who understands your pain without you having to say a word.

Don't judge her until you've walked in her shoes. I hope and pray you never have to...

UPDATED....to include this link from Perez Hilton's website. Gotta love Perez.

Thank you, SSS!

I was pleasantly surprised to find a package waiting on my doorstep last night when I got home from work.

It was a beautiful little crystal snowman ornament from my SSS exchange partner!

Here's what he looks like:



I collect snowmen things at Christmas, so he fits perfectly into my collection!

Here he is headed to the tree...



And here he is, in his special spot beside my Las Vegas 2004 Jingle Bell Snowman.



Can you spot him now?



Sorta like the Where's Waldo of ornaments, isn't it?

Thank you for this lovely little addition to my Christmas tree. He will forever be known as SSS...Secret Santa Snowman. I only hope my swap partner loves her gift as much as I love mine!!!