Semi-Wordless Wednesday

Sometimes...there's just nothing left to say.

Yeah, I'll go there. **UPDATED***

I'm a bad friend. Please go to Danica's blog and wish her a happy birthday!!! She's 36 today. Jesus, I have shoes older than her.

OK on to the original post subject:

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON trailer in HD


Here's the thing.

Can't stand the girl. She annoys the crap out of me and is NOT who I imagine Bella to be. Seriously, she has the personality of bread...on and off screen. Personally I think she's the dead one....

Edward is about 80% hot in my book. Why does he have to look like he has white powder all over his face when none of the other vampires in his family do? He'd be 95% hot in my book if he didn't look like he'd been dipped in baking soda.

Jacob. There should be a law against how hot that young man looks shirtless now. I feel icky looking at him like that seeing how he is YOUNGER than my own son. Oy vey! But oh my...those arms...that chest....crap, he's 17. Ugh. I hate this devil/angel on my shoulder thing. LOL

I admit to being excited for the next movie to come out. I want them to continue filming them back to back so I don't have to wait long in between movies.

And it's it about time for Stephenie Meyer to write another book?

OK, my Twilight post is over now. You may return to your regularly scheduled blog reading.

Hey baby let's go to Vegas....

Come on...I'll take you on a tour.

First of all, here's Three Bitchin Babes right after they first met. We go straight from airport to casino bar. Best threesome I've ever had. LOL



Then we headed back to Linda's place, after a quick stop at Whole Foods, and had more drinks and girl talk. And salad.



Saturday we got up and went to breakfast at this place called the Original Pancake House. It was fabulous. I had chocolate crepes. Weight Watchers Points Value = Eleventy Billion.



(Actually they weren't *that* bad, and I really only ate like one of the three.)

Here's the Lovely Ladies at breakfast. Or, as I lovingly refer to us, the number 110. Skinny bitches.



We shopped for awhile afterwards, and then went back to Linda's place so Darlene could pack. We only had a brief 19 hours with her as she had to get back to CA to work, but we sure made the best of it.

I love this woman. She's so damn cute I just wanted to squeeze her. In fact, I might have.



After she left, Linda and I both took naps! We'd been up late the night before and of course I was dealing with a three hour time difference, plus Linda's boyfriend was taking out to dinner and to see a band that night.

We went to the Elephant Bar for dinner, here is Linda and her mister at dinner:



Later we went to Boulder Station to hear this amazing classic cover rock band called Yellow Brick Road. Hands down best band ever. Every damn song they did sounded exactly like the original. They channelled Journey, Boston, Foreigner, Led Zeppelin, Queen, David Bowie, you name it. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Eventually I went out to the bathroom and got sidetracked by a video poker machine. (It was right outside the bar and I could hear the band perfectly!) Turns out I won $45! I was all excited. So never one to allow money to burn a hole in my pocket, I ventured over to the Blackjack table and proceeded to play on that same $45, and still leave with it as well! Might not have won anymore, but I didn't lose either.

The next day Linda and I got up and went to the pool to float around for a couple of hours and burn off the alcohol seeping from our pores. Linda's mister had left his cell phone at her place the night before and as we were floating around the pool this man walks up to the gate and says hi to us. Linda smiles really big and says "Hey you!!!!!" very enthusiastically and VERY flirtatiously....because without her contacts in, she thought it was her man!!! It was hilarious. The guy was looking for his lost dog...however had Linda not been floating around on a raft he may have gotten a welcome he hadn't bargained for!

Later Sunday afternoon we went to this great biker bar at the top of a mountain.



Very cool place. Nice bikes...



And cute boys.



I'd have taken one for the team if necessary. I'm just sayin.

Then we went to a place called Cactus Joe's, where I met my future husband.



Dammit, I could have been Mrs. Cactus Joe, because he took a liking to me. But, seeing how he just wasn't my type, I had to pass.

Cactus Joe had weird plants. I think he was smoking them.



Then we went to Red Rock Casino and had dinner, and went back to Linda's to put our comfy clothes on and settle in on the patio for an evening of girl talk. I had my first and last Double Chocolate Stout beer. Damn, I don't know how that girl drinks this stuff. Sorry, Linda...but chocolate and dark beer do not go well together in MY book!

Monday, we took a drive out to Lake Mead. We stopped at a casino for a bit, and snapped some pictures.

This is looking at the lake through some mountain'y kinds of rock thingys.



Here's Linda in front of the rocks.



And me. Same location.



Notice how tiny SHE looks in front of the rocks. I look *like* a rock. Skinny bitch. I really don't like her.

We left there and went to The.Only.Place.To.Eat.In.Vegas.

In N Out.

If you've never been there before, put this on your Bucket List. It's the best place ever.



HOWEVER....my burger and fries was a whopping 20 points on Weight Watchers! That's right, between my coffee with creamer for breakfast, and In N Out at 11:30, I'd had 24 of my 27 daily allotted points. Eh, fuck 'em. I love me some In N Out. I'll drink water the rest of the day. LOL



I did a little more gambling that day, won another $25 on Blackjack, and then we drove around for awhile, looked at a condo Linda was interested in, and did a little shopping.

Early evening, we headed to Mandalay Bay and had dinner at the House of Blues. I discovered a beer I finally like:



Yes, it does taste...well...weak. But I love any beer that doesn't taste like beer! So this is officially my new beer of choice.

Here's Skinny Bitch Linda Lou after dinner:



Then as it was getting dark, we headed down Las Vegas Boulevard.

Day Four...she finally takes me to The Strip. (This is a running joke between us, don't think I'm busting her chops about it!)






My last day there, Tuesday, Linda had to go to work, so I spent the morning reading her soon-to-be-published book 'Bastard Husband: A Love Story'. IT IS FABULOUS. I could not put it down. It confirmed what I suspected that we married the same man, and she showed me that there is wonderful life after such a disappointing disaster. When this book comes out, every damn one of you better buy one. For $5 I'll get her to autograph it for you.

After reading, I decided to relax on the patio, getting the last rays of desert sun before I had to get ready to go home. This was my view:



Linda's mister was gracious enough to pick me up and drive me to the airport, so at 1:30 I bade farewell to her place and headed to McCarran for my 3:30 flight. I love Vegas, and I love these most of all....



I always know when I see these, that I'm someplace that makes me very happy.

On the way home, I snapped a couple of pictures of clouds, just because I could. This was, of course, after we finally took off an hour late after waiting on Obama and Air Force One to land! Saw his plane, but couldn't get a picture fast enough.

Anyway...clouds.





I had an amazing vacation. Meeting these two ladies was like seeing old friends I just hadn't seen for awhile. There was no weirdness or awkwardness, just three women screaming and hugging in the airport like fools. They are both such wonderful women, I cannot say enough good things about either of them. I just don't have the right words to convey to the rest of you who haven't had the privilege to meet them like I have.

Dar, I wish you could have stayed with us longer. I missed you terribly the minute you left! Even though we didn't have a lot of time then, I know without a doubt we will have plenty of time together in the future. I will happily be your new travel buddy! I love you, and I am always wishing the best for you and Mr. J. Everything will work out the way it's meant to...

Linda, I cried when we said goodbye, and I tear up even thinking about it now. You are an amazing woman, and I want to be you when I grow up! Thank you again for opening your home...and your heart...to this stranger friend from Ohio. I know for certain that we will be lifelong friends. Give your mister a big hug from "Jules". I love you, sister.

And readers, I hope you enjoyed my trip as much as I did! Oh, and by the "weigh", I lost .7 of a lb while in Vegas according to my weigh in when I got back. I'll take it. I thought I'd gain at least 5 lbs while I was gone!

Dammit, could have had another In N Out...

Saturday ROCKED!

No Sunday Rewind today, kids! Gotta tell you about my day yesterday.

OK so first of all, there was a tattoo convention in town called Hell City. Tattoo artists from all over the country come here for it. My tattoo rock star is Hannah Aitchison. If you don't know her, she's on LA Ink and I adore her work. She's amazing. On my Bucket List is getting a tattoo from Hannah at some point in my life! She works out of LA and Chicago, and I tried to get an appointnment in Chicago but she's not accepting new clients right now.

So Jordan and Steph go to Hell City, and I knew Hannah was going to be there so I told Jordan to get as close as he could and snap a picture.

This is what he sent me:



Hello! He couldn't have gotten much closer, could he???? I literally screamed in the middle of Dollar General when I opened my email and saw that. (Note: I'm no longer allowed in Dollar General as evidently I scare customers.)

Needless to say I was green with envy, but it's all good....I have a picture of my baby and my tattoo goddess together. It will be framed. LOL

Then he comes home with this:



I. Am. Not. Worthy.

And the best part...he told her what a huge fan I am and that I wanted her to tattoo me in Chicago but that she wasn't taking new clients....and she said to call and make and appointment and tell them she said she'd do it!!!

Oh. My. God.

I'm on the floor over here.

Now I just have to save upwards of $1,000 for whatever I get, cuz my girl doesn't work cheap! But she's worth every dime.

So later in the evening, Jordan and Steph go back to Hell City, and I texted him and told him to try and find me a magnet nose ring. I've been wanting to get my nose pierced FOREVER, but never had the balls to do it. And, as I've gotten older, it seemed less and less likely I ever would. Oh, and this past 8 years with my ex, I knew for sure it wouldn't have happened as he'd have never allowed it! Plus I was afraid at my age it would look ridiculous, so I thought at least the magnetic ones would be something I could try, and see if I even liked the look on me.

Anyway, here's the text conversation:

Me: Seen any magnetic nose rings down there?

Jordan: Nope. Everyone here has real piercings. Steph says "Grow some balls and go get it done".

Me: OMG...LOL! Look anyway!

Jordan: Mom, they don't. I promise.

Me: OK

Jordan: Why don't you go get it done? We will go with you. We could go tonight!

Me: Ok let's go.

Jordan: Really?!?!?!

Me. Yep. Where can we go?

Jordan: Evolved. (He and Steph got their tongues pierced there)

Me: OK, come get me when you're done.

Five minutes later I get a phone call from Steph....'We are leaving the parking garage now and coming to get you'.

Oh shit. I'm committed now! There's no backing out! And then I thought...fuck it. Let's go balls to the wall and just DO IT.

Fifteen minutes later they show up.

I and my water bottle turned beer container get in the car and drive to Evolved with them! I needed some liquid courage as I was nervous as hell. Haven't had anything pierced in 30 years!!!!!!

Twenty minutes and $60 later...voila!



You can't tell from the picture but it's a diamond stud. It's small, which is what I wanted, and I LOVE IT! I'm so excited about it! I could not believe how little it hurt!!!! I thought for sure it was going to hurt like hell, but honestly it stung just a tad and for only a few seconds.

I'm so excited! First Hannah, then a nose piercing.

It was a great day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where is Mr. Clean when I need him?

So exactly one week from today, my son graduates from high school (Finally! Ever noticed how 18 years flies by and yet, seems to go soooooo slow when it comes to homework and grades?) and that evening I'm throwing him a graduation party.

As I look around my house, I am wondering how expensive is a maid, really?



Wait, how did that picture from my personal ad get in here? (I'm kidding, Baggy. Someone get him a glass of water.)

Seriously, I am not proud of the condition my house is in. We won't discuss the state of my living room carpet. I have two small dogs with even smaller bladders. You figure it out.

Schedule carpet cleaners...check.

I have to address the hole in my hallway where my son put his head through the wall 3 years ago (don't ask) and my ex patched it for me....2 1/2 years ago. It remains patched to this day.

Get sanding materials and paint....check.

Getting rid of the clutter isn't a huge issue...open drawers and closets, toss in. Check.

The bathroom. Ugh. There is a condemned sign on the door. I swear I think it violates some sort of city code. My bathroom has ceramic tile on the floors and walls. I think I'm just going to turn the hose on and spray.

Shop Vac....check.

Yard mess aka last year's leaves (yes, I did do this already, but there is a big pile by the fence that is the bane of my existence) that need removed.

Jordan's job. Check.

Once all this is done, I still have to actually PLAN the damn party. I pretty much know what I'm serving, Jordan's other parents are providing the beer, wine and other beverages, and I remembered to make myself a note to call Costco and order the cake. (Yummmmm...their cakes are fabu!)

I wish it were as easy as I'm making it sound here.

Mr. Clean...if you come and help me, I will handle your mop like nobody ever has before. I promise you, I'll make it worth your effort.

Meanwhile, in the event he doesn't show up, can I get some volunteers? C'mon. I have alcohol. We'll make a drinking game out of it. Every time I say "F*ck, I hate cleaning", we take a shot.

Who's in? Get your drinking legs on and get over here.

What happens in Vegas....

...really doesn't stay in Vegas. It's just being delayed here in Ohio!

Sorry, I don't mean to hold the my vacation recap hostage! I just can't seem to get it written! So much to say, so many pictures to share, and not enough time to get it done.

So I promise, promise, promise that I will finish it this weekend and have it up on Monday.

Meanwhile, I got this today from my friend Penny, and I thought it was worth sharing. Enjoy, and hang in there with me, our tour of Vegas is coming soon!

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, it looks like rain.' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get the baby toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord..

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process The other day, I stopped the car and bought a double dip. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home , I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to.....not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I posted this.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask 'How are you?', do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away..... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

To those who are reading this... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do.

'Life may not be the party we hoped for... But while we are here we might as well dance.'

Have a great weekend. Pack for Vegas on Monday.

Thousand Words Thursday

Sorry, my Vegas post isn't ready yet. So we're going with Thousand Word Thursday today, and hopefully I'll have time to get me trip blog done for Friday!!!!

So here you go...it is me or do you see a guy's face in the side of the mountain? It looks like George Washington. Maybe it's the white hair...



Wait, let's try a close up so you can see it better:



Kinda freaky, eh?

Hey, at least it's a *picture* from Vegas....

Honey, I'm home. Did you miss me?

That's right. I've left Las Vegas...and it's still intact.

I, however, am really really tired.

You see, after 4 nights in Vegas my body *finally* got adjusted to the three hour time change....right as I got back to Columbus last night.

My plane was an hour late as we had to sit on the tarmack in Vegas while waiting for Obama to arrive. Once Air Force One landed, and the President was on his way to wherever he was going, we finally took off. I got back home around 11:30 last night.

Needless to say, my body thought it was 8:30. Sigh. So sleep did not come easy.

I'm off to shower and try to wake my still sleeping brain up. I will have a full recap of the trip tomorrow.

For those who need a quick summary:

1. Linda and Dar are THE BEST. Love them.

2. I came home with $55 that I didn't leave with thanks to Blackjack.

3. I did not marry a stranger at the Little White Wedding Chapel Drive Thru. (I wasn't asked, dammit)

4. Never got drunk. Tried...but failed.

5. Linda has no idea who her boyfriend is if she doesn't have her contacts in. More on this later.

I'm off to shower and head to work. Have a great hump day!

Welcome to the neighborhood.

My guest blogger today is none other than my buddy Jen Suarez. She's funny as hell and I read her blog every day, so be sure to leave her lots of comments here, and do yourself a favor and start following her blog. You'll thank me later.

Oh hey there readers of Julie's blog! How the heck are ya? Julie is off vacationing in Vegas so she needed a few people to fill in for her while she's gone. Just so you all know, when I say "vacationing" what I really mean is getting piss drunk, passing out, and ending up married, with a tattoo that says "BUBBA" on her ass.

Sure, go ahead and laugh, but when she forces us all to look at pictures of her new ass tattoo, you won't be laughing anymore! Actually that's a total lie, cuz if that really happens I'll be laughing so hard milk will shoot out my tits. I mean nose.

So you are probably wondering "who the heck is this guest blogger?" Well my name's Jen and I blog daily over at www.JenniferSuarez.com I'm five foot five, I have brown eyes and brown hair. I enjoy quiet walks on the beach, a glass (or five) of wine, and I also... Oh WAIT, this is 47AndStartingOver not Match.com... and besides I'm married so WTF?!

Well none of that really matters because I'm here to keep you all entertained while Julie is gone. So in the spirit of that I'm going to tell you all a little story. Grab your glass of wine and your bottle of vicodin, cuz this one is a doozy.

My husband and I were very excited. We had just purchased our first home together. We were so happy to have our own place. My parents had offered to take our daughter for the evening so we could finish unpacking and settling in.

As you can imagine, having our own place, and a child free night, we decided we needed a little "Mommy Daddy Time". For those of you a little slow on the uptake, I'm talking about sex. Wild, crazy, the kids are gone and we no longer have neighbors living below us, kind of sex.

Let me tell you, it was fantastic. By the time we were done we had busted a support beam on our bed and our newly painted bedroom wall had a big chunk out of it. Before your imaginations go too crazy, I'd like to explain that I did NOT bite a hole into the wall, nor did my husband impale it with his manhood. What actually happened was the support beam had a lose nail that broke free, and when it did, part of the bed smashed against the wall... um a few thousand times. The bed hitting the wall was pretty loud, but it's important to note that it wasn't the only loud thing in the room that night.

Afterwards I was exhausted. I laid down and closed my eyes and started to listen to the crickets chirping outside. As I listened a sudden, horrible thought struck me...

OH-MY-GOD. The window is OPEN!!?!

I shot up in bed and immediately starting quizzing my husband. "How long has it been open? Did you just open it or... oh God, please say no, was it open this WHOLE TIME?"

Oh yea... you guessed it. The window was indeed open, WIDE OPEN, in the heat of summer, THE ENTIRE TIME! So of course I start freaking out:

Me: OMG what if someone heard us? Do you think someone could have heard us?
Rudy: Will you calm down! Who cares?
Me: Who cares?! WHO CARES?!! I CARE!!! It's the middle of summer! It's beautiful out. Look outside! Almost EVERYONE has their windows open!! OMG, I can't believe THIS! *buries my head in my hands*
Rudy: *smirking*
Me: How can you sit there and smirk? I haven't even had a chance to meet the neighbors!
Rudy: Well, I have a feeling we left them with a pretty strong first impression!

I'll tell ya one thing, he was right. We've lived in our house for almost 3 years now. We've become friends with most of our neighbors... and guess what? 3 years later... they are all STILL talking about *that* night.

FML

Thanks, Jen!

MY case for legalizing Marijuana

Happy Memorial Day, all! My post today comes courtesy of my buddy Gertrude Goggins. Please show her lots of love for being brave enough to take on my blog for a day!!!!

First of all, thank you Julie for allowing me to guest-post! You goddess, you!

Now, on to my case:

The other day I was reading this blog. Yes THIS one right here and Julie had posted several funny text message exchanges. It got me thinking about some of the ones that I have received and I remembered this one:

If you’ve ever been too stoned to make Kool-Aid, you might be a pothead.

So, my cohort was smart enough to think up a pseudo Jeff Foxworthy joke and text it, but she couldn’t make Kool-Aid. It’s Kool-Aid. 2 quarts of water, 1 cup of sugar, 1 packet of your favorite flavor and mix it up. It’s not really difficult, probably the mixing that scared her.

But that’s the whole basis for my case: If you can’t make Kool-aid, you can’t do a lot of things you shouldn’t be doing. Like making bombs and flying planes into buildings and crap like that. You will probably stay home and mind your own business unless you don’t have enough snacks and if you do have to make a run to the store, you’re only going to drive like 17 miles per hour. When you get to the store, if they’re out of your favorite snack, you’re not going to punch a clerk over it. Hell, you might give him a hug for suggesting an alternative snack.

I recall another conversation with the same chic. She was at my house and we were watching movies. She was baked, as per usual and asked if I was hungry.


Me: Sure, you want some Chinese?

Bake-o: OHHHHH, MANNNNNN, Chinese sounds GOOOOOD.

Me: Are you going to get the phone?

Bake-o: (long pause and then in a conspiratorial tone)…. I didn’t even hear it ring….

Me: NO! TO CALL THE CHINESE RESTAURANT!


Okay, so you’re not going to be Einstein on the stuff.


While we’re at it, though, let’s look at this on a much bigger scale:

What if we replaced nuclear warheads with pot-bombs? Seriously. Another country gets out of control and starts to terrorize their neighbors; we drop the Weed-Wedgie 2000 on them and BAM, crisis averted! They are too busy munching snacks and hugging one another to remember what it was they were pissed about in the first place.

And I know everyone talks about Obama being all slick and good-lookin’ where presidents are involved, but picture Diane Sawyer with this to say:

In a moment, our new president-elect, Matthew McConaughey will be giving his first state of the union address…

Now, how you gonna argue with THAT!?

Thanks, GG!!!! I owe you one!

Crashing into love.

My guest blogger today is the busiest mom I know, Sandi, from Lucky 13 and Counting. I feel very lucky that she would take time out of her already nuts schedule to write a blog for moi. Enjoy!

I started reading Julie shortly after I began blogging. I couldn’t tell you today how I found her, Hell I couldn’t tell you on the day I found her, how I found her. Blog surfing gets complicated. Anyway, when I found Julie, I stopped surfing and started reading. There was something about her that reached out and grabbed me hard.

Looking at Julie and I, side by side, you may notice all the differences right off the bat.

I am married and I have fourteen children.

Julie is not married and only has one child.

I love in Southern California in the sunshine.

Julie lives in Ohio and spent this last winter buried in snow with frozen pipes.

I sit home all day.

Julie has a real job in the real world.

So what do we have in common?

Well, aside from the fact that we are both women, both mothers, and both bloggers, not a whole hell of a lot, EXCEPT that just a few years ago, I was right where Julie is today. I was 33 years old and starting over. I had my cute little profile on Match.com. I was surfing bachelors instead of blogs, and let me tell you something, Julie is not making this shit up when she says how many wackos there are out there. I wish I would have been blogging back then so I could go back and re-read the nightmares I encountered. Sadly, or thankfully, I have blocked out that time of my life. Starting over sucks.

While finding a man after a divorce is not easy, having thirteen children complicated matters even more for me. When I found a guy that was willing to date me, I had to wonder if he truly was insane or maybe a possible child-molester. You all know there are weirdo’s out there, and if they wanted a girl with a dozen kids, I had to wonder. I spent many weeks dabbling in the online dating stuff, and even met a good guy or two. BUT I didn’t find “the one” online at all.

I found my husband on the side of the road.

Yep, I met Brandon in a car accident in Salt Lake City, Utah on the interstate. We were both involved in a 4-car fender bender and we fell in love while we were filling out police reports. Sometimes good things come out of shitty situations. I look at people on the side of the road in an entirely different light nowadays. I smile at their good fortune!

My advice to all you out there looking for love, check your rear view mirror. “THE ONE” could be right behind you. Hit those brakes girls. It’s worth the whiplash!

PS from Julie: Today it's been 4 years since Sandi & Brandon "crashed into each other's lives". Happy Anniversary!!!!

Vegas Update! Check it out!

Go to Linda's Blog, she'll be keeping a running update for you!!!!

Everyone's a comedian

Today's laugh is brought to you by my buddy Won. She graciously offered to take over my blog for the day while I was gone, so please make sure you check hers out as well and leave her some love.

Top 4 Crazy/Funny/Insane Stories of My Life (so far) that always make me chuckle:

- I was 16 and in Atlantic City with a couple friends. I don’t recall what we did that had the cops chasing us (my lack of coherent memory makes me believe it had to be a drug related offense, but who knows?!). I remember the driver trying to out-drive the police officer. Pedal-to-the-medal, just like you see in the movies kind of thing! And just like you see in the movies, when my friend pushed that brake pedal down as hard as he could for the last time in that horrible fleeing attempt, the car came to rest right at the edge of the road, where it meets the wall below it just before the steep descent into the Atlantic Ocean. I’ll never forget seeing how I was inches away from a swift death. We got out and outran the cops. Seriously.

-When my daughter was 7 and my son was 3, she learned that when you are young, your bones haven’t yet fused together. In essence, youngsters thus have more bones than adults. They were in the back seat of the car when I heard her say to him “Noah, did you know you have more bones in your body than Mommy and I do?” With an exasperated tone of “what is the matter with you?” I heard him respond: “Of course!!! That is because I have a penis!!!!”

-When my daughter was a newborn, there was a company meeting that my boss asked me to attend even though I was on maternity leave. She said I could bring my daughter. In the meeting, I pulled out the old kind of Playtex bottle with the drop in liner and began to push up on the liner to remove the air from the bottle. I was not paying attention when the milk began to shoot out. Splat… right in the President of the companies face! Bad enough, right? Nah.

Someone asked “Hey, was that formula or breast milk?”

Yep, my breast milk in the big boss’ face!
　
-And lastly, a Vegas story but not really. We were on our way to Vegas for business when the airport got shut down due to bad weather. We went to a colleague’s house, spent the night and returned in the morning. People looked so pissed, having slept on the dirty floors of Detroit Metro Airport overnight. We were in line for the ticket agent. The man in front of us in line was really giving it to the poor ticket agent. The customer was so loud and irate and I felt badly for the agent. She had to put up with so much abuse that day from tired, angry travelers. My colleague, standing behind the irate man so that he was unaware of what she was doing, decided to make funny faces at the ticket agent! I do not know how the agent managed to not react. I only know that she is likely alive today only as a result of her being able to not react!

Oh…and Julie….no worries about the flight or the plane’s safety darling. Just remember one thing: that is that each and every part on the plane was manufactured by the lowest bidder.

Gee, thanks for reminding me of that, pal.

Blind Dates

Hi!

I'm Simone from Chocolate Covered Daydreams and I'll be your hostess..umm...I mean, guest blogger while Jules is away doing one of the following:

A) Having the time of her life at the Vegas buffets

B) Bathing in the money she's won at the casinos

C) Hooking up with some hot Vegas dude and not thinking about us in blogland at all.

I think C) but I hope B) because that means that she's going to be kicking down a few thous for us, guest bloggers when she returns.

In the meantime, the topic of the day is blind dates. Since Julie has captured my attention many times with her online dating stories, this clip below made me think of her.

Rough Cut Comedy - Stump Hand Stu: The Blind Date - watch more funny videos

You gotta love those blind dates!!

What was your worst blind date?

I've had quite a few that would fall in the category of hell date. The one that comes to mind the most though is the Date with the Juicer. Now if some of you follow my blog, you know all about the Juicer. He was (past tense because he's no longer in the picture) a nice guy but couldn't hold his stomach juices in. When he ate, for some reason, he chewed and then had to spit the juices in his mouth out because he couldn't swallow it. Our first date, we went to a restaurant. Now, I was forewarned but not to it's full extent, about his "issue". Twenty napkins later (and they were piling up on the table), and two trips to the bathroom to toss his cookies, I was no longer hungry. When he wiped his mouth, I tried not to look as a string of drool mixed food hung from his chin.

The sad thing was that he was a very nice guy. I just couldn't get past his juicer issues. I was popping rolaids everytime we went out on a date.

So that's my story...what's yours? Spill it all in the comment section for Jules to read!

NOTE FROM JULIE: Blogger sucks. I have had more problems this past two days with stuff not loading, getting error messages, etc. I sure hope they fix the problem soon. The video shows up on my preview, but not on the actual blog. Sorry!

Vegas Bound!

Look at the countdown on the right. IT'S VEGAS DAY!!!!

Omigosh I can't believe it's finally here. When I started that countdown there was like 70 some days. The time has flown by. And now, at 6:15 tonight (PST) I'll be landing in Vegas and meeting Linda and Darlene. All joking about me "having better luck picking up women than men on the internet" aside...I feel like I've known these two forever, and it will just be like seeing old friends I haven't seen in awhile.

Don't expect any blog posts from me while I'm gone...I'm on blogvacation. I've lined up several of my good friends....Simone, Amy, Won, Sandi and Jen to pitch hit for me until I get back. So be nice to them....leave them lots of comments and make them not regret doing this feel welcome. Oh, and if they are funnier than I am...too damn bad, you're MY readers and I will stalk you until you come back to me!

A few last minute items of business:

1. I couldn't decide what to wear so I basically packed my entire summer wardrobe into the biggest suitcase I can find. I'm prepared for anything. Linda is going to be scared shitless wondering if I'm actually relocating when she sees it. I have everything *except* pajamas. I don't own them. There better be a door on the guest bedroom or she may see far more of me than she ever, ever, wanted to.

2. Speaking of me naked...today's weigh in...I lost 3.1 lbs. Yay me! And I've lost 2" off my waist, 2" off my hips, 2 1/4" off my amazing rack (LOL), and half inch off my bat wings upper arms. Total weight loss just under 12 lbs, and according to WW that's an average of 1.7 lbs a week...a good healthy steady loss. I'm much happier this week than I was last week when I gained .6 of a lb!

3. I will probably upload a few pics to Facebook while I'm gone, only because it's super easy to do from my iPhone. Also, feel free to text me if you have my number. Danica, I expect a phone call...I assume you'll want to say hello to the girls!

4. It's a fact, I'm an anxious flyer. My plane leaves at 4:55. I'll be popping a Valium at 4:00, followed by a pre-board cocktail. Another drink on the plane, and I should successfully snooze most of the 4 hour flight. Just send good traveling vibes my way, will ya?

On that note, at noon I'm officially turning my blog over to my guest bloggers. First up... Simone. I'd rather she was meeting us in Vegas rather than filling in for me, but I'll catch her next trip.

I'm leaving you guys in good hands, and I expect you all to behave until I get back. I'll be back with a blog on Wednesday...it may not be a full recap as I don't get in until late Tuesday night, but I'll definitely post a teaser!

Love you all, "see" you Wednesday!

It goes without saying....but I'll say it anyway!

Coming in second on American Idol will be the best thing that ever happened to Adam Lambert. He will go on to a huge career, while Kris Allen will end up an Idol along the likes of Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks. One obligatory album and then he'll be just a fond memory.

Not that Kris isn't a decent singer. He was just sooooooooo bland. He reminded me of non-alcoholic beer. Yeah, it tastes the same, but the happy feeling you get from it just isn't there.

Adam, on the other hand, wow! And to see him and Kiss performing together??? Are you kidding me??? Good God, I hadn't been that excited in months! I was couch dancing and rockin' my Glambert status. And it makes me very happy that now Adam has the freedom to be the kind of artist he wants to be...and not a product of the AI machine.

I realize Gokey's votes had to go somewhere, and the Christian movement that backed him certainly wouldn't vote for a guy who wears eyeliner and likes boys. So I expected Kris to win.

Doesn't mean the best man won though.



If I were 20 years younger and had a penis, I'd be all over this boy.

I just wanna dip him up on a chip. Mmmm.

Rawrrrrrl.