My followers come and go....

My followers are like my weight....the number fluctuates daily. Today it's 176. Yesterday it was 178. The day before it was 175.

Yet I average about 25 comments a day.

Doesn't it make you wonder what the other 150 people are doing with their hands while reading my blog? Make that 149...I *know* what Bagman is doing.

I need some sort of commenter lock down...you can come to my blog anytime you want but you can't leave until you comment.

Is Blognapping punishible by law?

Oh well, I'm just grateful for the 175-178 who care enough to follow me! I've never had such a big group to lead astray!

Friday's Bits & Pieces

No specific theme today...just random me stuff.

Look to the right on my blog at my Vegas counter. A week from now my bags will be packed and I'll be on my way west for 5 days of drinking and debauchery. Or at least I hope that is at least part of what Linda, Darlene and I will engage in! I can't wait, it's going to be so much fun....

Did you see the season finale of Grey's Anatomy last night? OMG. The ending blew me away. When I realized it was George....wow.

I'm not as cranky as I was yesterday with the weight thing. I'm still not buying the "muscle" excuse but I'll take it, at least until next Thursday's weigh in.

Let's have a question of the day, shall we?

If you could completely eliminate any one of your pet peeves, what would it be?

Happy Friday!!!

Frustrating Thursday

Thursday WW Weigh In:

GAINED .6 lb.

Seriously????????? How the fuck does that happen when I'm eating less and exercising more? I'm staying within my points every day, and breaking a sweat consistently. I even joined the Y and worked out for an hour last night.

Arrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I know, I know. It's a marathon, not a sprint. But it would be nice to see some reward to your hard work, you know?

I'm going to go scream in the shower now. And try not to do what I would usually do which is say "screw it, I'm just meant to be fat" and eat a dozen donuts.

(Nearly) Wordless Wednesday *Updated*

Ask, and you shall receive...



Happy Hump Day.

Texts From Last Night

OK, this website is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It makes me laugh out loud every single day.

Texts From Last Night

Fair warning, if you have delicate eyes there may be some offensive words here. But basically these are just texts that people have sent other people, and I can't stop reading it!!! I swear some are damn close to actual conversations I've had with my friends....many years ago of course.

My current faves are (NOTE: The numbers in front are the area codes the texts come from):

(831): Hey, what are you up to?
(802): Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
(802): Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

(561): You drink too much
(1-561): No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

(316): I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
(785): He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

(301): Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
(443): We using my standards or yours?

(402): I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

(513): Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives

(813): My mind said no, but my drink said yes.

(507): I want your puppy
(507): I meant pussy
(612): I would rather you take my puppy

(818): Jake died.
(310): WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
(818): Oops typo. Jake cried.

(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.

(330): Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood

(217): What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.

(978): Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession

(317): Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.

(917): omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
(310): Whats your twitter name

(203): I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.

(610): The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.

And what could be my all time favorite....

(212): dude, i just got a bummer
(418): whats a bummer
(212): a blowjob from a homeless chick

Don't say you weren't warned... Oh, and don't sit there all innocent acting, you know twenty minutes from now you're going to be reading every page of TFLN and laughing out loud, while trying to pretend you'd never enjoy something so horribly dysfunctional!

So when you do, come back and tell me what your favorite one is!

Really? Am I the only one?

Doesn't everybody hang their clothes in the closet according to color? And facing the same direction? (That direction being left!)



It's not like I'm so anal that I insist on all the same colors of hangers....

Yet.

It's only 6am.

I *am* Mother Of The Year!

Seriously! Look!!!!

CLICK HERE

I'd like to thank all the little people that got me here. Well, I guess just this little person:



Who is now this big person:



He is the love of my life, and I'm so thankful to be his Mom. Thanks, buddy, for being the kind of son every mother dreams about.

And this lady is pretty special to me too. Everything I know about being a Mom, I learned from the Book of Betty:



Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

And the same to all of you ladies reading this today...I wish you the happiest Mother's Day ever!

What can I "wine" about today?

Happy Saturday everyone....

I have the Wine Flu.

When did I become such a lightweight that TWO glasses of wine can A) make me drunk and B) give me a hangover?



And no, for the smart asses out there who are wondering (and you know who you are), they were not 16 oz. wine glasses either!

We were actually installing the master bedroom at a client's house until 8pm last night, and they were graciously supplying us with beverages as we worked. I truly believe in situations like that, there is something inside you that just automatically makes you remain sober and acting normally until you get to a safe place, such as your own home. Because I felt fine driving home, but somehow the minute I got into my own house, I was buzzed as hell! Clearly, as soon as I relaxed, I *really* relaxed. I ended up asleep on the couch at 10pm (yes, another wild Friday night for Julie).

Today, I just have a headache. And my body hurts. Add all the bending and moving of stuff that I did last night to the fact that I've been planting and weeding for a week now, and my back is not happy. Literally, everything from mid-back to my knees hurts. Damn those three herniated disks.

But the good news is that I have a garden! Woohoo! Four types of tomatoes, some jalapeno peppers, some purple and orange sweet peppers, two types of basil, and some rosemary. And I have a feeling I'll be adding more to it...I'm all about the gardening these days.

Oh, and my first month on Weight Watchers is officially over as of today. As you can see from my ticker at the very bottom of my blog, I've lost 9.7 lbs. this month. That's good, I know, but I'm disappointed that I fell short .3 of a pound and didn't meet my 10 lbs. goal. Arrrgh. Damn that wine last night.

Oh well...on to my next 30 days and 10 lbs. I'll be successful this month.

Since tomorrow is my blogging day off, I want to wish all you moms out there a very Happy Mother's Day! I am blessed to still have my mother with me, and even more blessed to be the mom of The Best Kid Ever. I love my life.

On a related note, should I ask for this as a Mother's Day gift?

The *Last* Argument

O.K. Honey!

We're here!

You can come out now.



I would have posted this even if my bestie Penny *didn't* live in a 5th Wheel RV (sooooo much bigger than this one)but it's that much funnier to me imagining her saying this to her dearly beloved, Eddie! Thanks for the laugh, Red.

Happy Friday, everyone!

Your big chance to help two very cute men....

OK technically they aren't men.

They are boys.

Small boys.

But adorable nonetheless.

My friend Meghan is the mother of The Two Cutest Boys Ever. Seriously, they are. I could just squeeze the crap right out of them.

Look at these faces:



Sumner and Jackson are in the Cutest Multiples Photo Contest. The voting is on the left side of the blog, and they are #6.

So would everyone please take a second today and go vote for these two cuties?

I don't know what the grand prize is other than the claim to fame that you have the cutest multiples ever, but I am doing my part to see that Meghan, Summy and Jack win! Thanks for helping out the cause...

Now, go vote!

Little things thrill me the most.

So last month when it first started getting warmer here in the state with ridiculous weather all year round sunny Ohio, I pulled out my jean capris and was going to wear them one day.

They didn't fit.

That's right, I could barely drag the fuckers pants up over my hips, although I did get them that far, but buttoning or zipping was nothing short of a fantasy.

Which sort of confused me because I weighed exactly the same as I did when I wore them last. So what, does fat start to liquefy and spread? Or maybe now that my son measured me as 5'7 1/2", when I have been 5'9" my entire life, it's indicative of how since I'm getting shorter, I'm also getting wider?

Really, will three herniated disks cause you to lose an inch and a half in height? Or did I just have far bigger hair for years?

I haven't talked a lot about it, but I've been doing Weight Watcher's Online for almost a month now. (I keep the little handy dandy weight loss ticker at the bottom of my blog, if anyone cares to follow it.) My goal is to lose 10 lbs. a month. I haven't weighed in this week yet, I do that Thursday, but it's my belief I will reach that first 10 lb. goal when I do.

I feel really good, I feel like I have my eating under control, I'm eating far better (healthier and more natural foods) than I probably ever have, and I'm actually exercising. Yes, you read that right. I work up a sweat of some sort daily. And no, there is no nudity involved. Dammit.

Anyway....back to the story....

So this morning as I was contemplating my work wardrobe I saw these damn capris hanging there, taunting me, and I thought to myself, those can be my first "goal" clothes...and when I get in them, I'll know I've redistributed the fat lost some weight. Because let's face it, at this point I've just lost 7 1/2 lbs, and on somebody my size that's not enough to even notice.

But I tried them on anyway.

And I would like to publicly announce that not only am I wearing them at work today...but they are not even tight! They fit quite comfortably!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't have to suck my stomach in back to my spine, nor do I have anything Spanx on! (and I swear it had nothing to do with the baby oil gel I put on when I got out of the shower, greasing my legs so the damn things would slide on!)

Little things thrill me the most. Even if it's just fitting back into a pair of pants.

In a related note, I saw an ex-boyfriend this morning. I wouldn't mind fitting back into HIS pants. LOL

The season's "must have" fashion accessory?

As we've established, time and time again, there is no cooler fashion accessory on all the planet than a petite pooch. Teacup poodles, bichon frises, Chihuahuas, you name it -- if it can fit in a purse, it's fashion gold.

I know. I have one who does. Meet Gracie.





But for those times when you need something more functional, there is evidently a new product out...a fanny pack for your little precious.

Now this may be helpful for when you need to be hands-free, but still want your favorite fur-covered fashion accessory by your side.

However, my fear is that I would forget I had Gracie strapped to my ass, then I'd sit down and squash her like a grape. She may be a sturdy 4 lbs but even she couldn't survive this booty.

Is it just me or if you're going to take the dog for a walk, shouldn't it actually touch the ground? And if you're the one in need of exercise, leave Rover at home...don't make him slap your ass with every step.

Well, unless you're into that thing!

Gardener needed....apply within. But first....

Happy Birthday, Penny!!!!!

This picture was taken on her birthday last year, and unfortunately she won't be home (well, here in Ohio) today, so here's my sappy birthday sentiment to her:

Thank you for being my best friend since like 1920 for more than 25 years now. We've been through it all together...marriages, divorces, childbirth, loves and losses, hot tubs (I won't elaborate!), strippers, helicopter rides in your basement, and way too many things that would get me in trouble for mentioning...we've had highs (oh yeah, expensive ones at that) and lows (but we looked damned good doing it)...and I have no doubt that we will find outselves still together, rocking out at the nursing home 30 years from now. You, of course, will be getting hit on by all the old men, and I will, of course, still be watching in awe and STILL trying to figure out how you do it! I hope you know that I am so proud of you for all you've accomplished in the past 25 years. I love you, and I can't wait to see you next month especially for our tattoo date. Tell Eddie I said to slip you the big one tonight (yeah yeah, I know it's not the weekend....go wild anyway!) and send me the video. My other one got worn out from overuse. Love you!!!! Happy birthday, Red!!!!

OK, back to the gardener thing. I need some landscaping help.

In the front of my house I get partial sun but not a ton of it. Things that do well are petunias, impatiens, snap dragons, those kinds of flowers. But I'm tired of buying annuals every year so I want to plant things that come back.

I like pretty bright colorful flowers. I don't just want green stuff. And I ain't no Hosta back girl. (There are a couple hostas out front now but I didn't put them there and I'm by no means in love with them!)

I need ideas of what to plant that will start blooming in the spring and continue through summer. I know there are things that bloom in stages, so that's fine if some things only bloom in the spring and then the others are during summer, and maybe even there are things that bloom into fall?

Help! I know many of you have gorgeous houses and lawns....help a sister out, will ya?

Sunday Rewind - Seven Random Facts About Me

As you know, it's my blogging day off, so here's a little rewind from October 1st. Enjoy!

Seven Random Facts about ME!!!!

OK, Liz tagged me so here are seven random facts about me.

1. I have taken college courses in every decade since the 70's. Yes, I'm that old, and still degreeless.

2. I used to emcee a male revue and also ran my friend's Strip-A-Gram business. There are worse things than looking at naked men and getting paid for it.

3. I was a bartender at a place called the Side Door in Lancaster for several years in the 80's. (I think it was the late 80's....most of that decade is still a blur!)

4. I write, eat, and put makeup on with my left hand. Everything else, I do with my right, such as bat, bowl, hold the hair dryer, use a mixer, cut with scissors, etc.

5. I secretly wish I could sing and have always wanted to take voice lessons. However if you have ever heard me, you know there isn't a voice teacher in the world who could make me sound good.

6. I almost broke my back bowling. True story.

7. I once had purple hair. By accident. Twenty five years later, friends will still sing "Purple Rain" to me and laugh.

Who else wants to play? Don't make me tag you! Volunteer, it's easier!!!!

Nothing newsworthy...

I've got nothing newsworthy today. Didn't do much last night other than get a massage, go tanning, and read a book. My life is all glamour, isn't it.

Going to my son's brother's going away party tonight, and tomorrow I'm planting flowers.

Wow, I just bored myself with this post.

OK let's end this on a funny note...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Happy Saturday!

I would not make a good frog.

My eyes and tongue would both be tucked into my jeans waist.

Happy Friday everyone!

Someone is having a birthday today....

This is Amanda. She swings from strange balls.



And she sits in things much too big for her.



And she's getting married next June, and she will be such a beautiful bride:



And we have very interesting discussions. For example:

We were having computer issues due to a virus our boss downloaded, and our internet went down so we went out to the parking lot to unwind and smoke, and the conversation went like this:

"Computer Guy says the internet issue is a result of the virus” – Julie, being informative.

“It’s a backdoor Trojan…” – Amanda, in a very sinister voice.

“What??? OMG, how do you even know that phrase??” – Julie

“I saw it in a movie once” – Amanda

Serious laughter ensues to the point of crying and snorting….then….

“Oh my God!!! Somebody hit my car!!!! – Amanda

“What???? OH MY GOD!!!” – Julie, seeing the huge hole Amanda is referring to in the side of the car.

…Dramatic pause while we access the situation in horror….

“Oh wait, that’s not my car” – Amanda.

“LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL…oh my God….LOLOLOLOLOLOL…we’ve finally lost it!!!!” - Julie

But she's my friend and I love her. Even if I am old enough to be her mother, and she *is* half my size. Skinny bitch. Eat a cookie.



Happy 28th, Manda Panda. My little girl is growing up.

What do you mean, I'm a grown up?

I'm only 48!

Oh wait, I guess that is considered "grown up" now isn't it? Sigh.

Actually, the day I knew I was not just an adult, but a middle aged one, was when I realized I no longer ask potential dates if they have children...I ask them if they have grandchildren.

So anyway, now that I have an 18 year old living at home, I thought I would give him some tips for identifying when HE is a grown up. (Note, that should include paying his own cell phone bill...but I didn't list it here.)

So here you go, buddy. One day these are all gonna apply to you.

Your potted plants are alive... and you can't smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

You carry an umbrella because you watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

Jeans and a clean T-shirt no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'

You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door refuse to turn down the music.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time McDonald's closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating chicken nuggets and fries at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

You go to the drug store for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

A $5.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Enjoy being young and irreresponsible while it lasts! And don't forget, I've taken care of you for 18 years. You're gonna owe me one day when I'm old, and I have to move in with you, and you get to cook and clean for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait, why do you have nursing homes on speed dial?

Games for when we are older and other fun things

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says - something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Things to Ponder:

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

But Most Of All, Remember!

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

I busted out my inner Interior Designer...for my exterior.

We had a fabulous weekend here in Ohio. Mid 80's and sun. Two things that never happen in April! So I had a chance to get some outside work done.

Jordan graduates June 6th, so I have a graduation party to throw and trust me, it's coming up too soon. And I can't sugarcoat this any way at all...but I can sum it up in six words:

My. House. Isn't. Even. Remotely. Ready.

Translation...I have to keep ripping down the "Condemmed" sign the city continues to tack on the front door.

So the past few weekends I've been working on things, and this weekend being so beautiful outside, I decided to tackle the patio.

It fought back.

Seriously. For every leaf I swept up, three of his buddies flew in from somewhere and landed at my feet, taunting me. It was nuts. (Note to self: Next time, don't try to rake leaves on the windiest day of the month.)

Eventually I got everybody under control, and all those freaking leaves that blow from my neighbors 50 year old big ass maple tree onto my patio are finally bagged up.

Yeah yeah yeah, if I did this in the fall when it was cool I wouldn't be sweatin' to the oldies in 85 degree sun. Duly noted.

So anyway....I was all kinds of proud of myself for getting it done. Spent about four hours on Saturday, and another couple today.

But TODAY...Kohl's was having a huge sale! And it just so happened that my old patio umbrella did not fare well over the winter (OK yeah, in addition to being too lazy to get rid of the leaves in the fall, I forgot to take the umbrella down as well. I suck as a landscaper.)

So check it out....

Here's the new umbrella:



And the tableware:



And I even bought pillows for the rockers and a new little mosaic tile table! My boss would be so proud of me for buying "coordinating" pillows, not ones that match the umbrella!



In addition to the wine glasses, I got another set of six high ball glasses which are clear acrylic with the blue color at the top and little bubbles in the blue part. Plus I got the matching tablecloth that goes with the umbrella.

And yes...all of that...the umbrella, pillows, 12 glasses, table cloth, blue wicker plate holder thingies, coasters, and the tile table....out the door for $100 and change.

Sweet! LOVE Kohl's when they have a good sale!!!! Of course there were all kinds of cutesy little coordinating dishes and plates and serving things I wanted to buy as well but I restrained and didn't go overboard.

So, who wants to come over for drinks on the patio?

Just bring your rake. There are escapee leaves out front.

Sunday Rewind - "Good Advice"

It's my blogging day off and I intend to spend the day enjoying the 85 degree weather in balmy Ohio! So here's a rewind from July 21, 2008. I thought it was good advice then, and I still think so. (Penny, did you write this? Because as I read it again, I hear your voice!!!!)

Good Advice

I thought this was important enough for it's own blog!

I Love This Advice !!

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink plenty of water. Eat blueberries, carrots, broccoli, red beans and almonds.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. In stead invest your energy in the positive present moment and what you desire, not what you don’t desire in life.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Remind yourself that minus your opinion, everything is perfect.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in control of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything. That means understanding that you cannot change what happened.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals absolutely everything.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

Check it out, 24 things and I wasn't malicious or mean spirited in any of them. ROFLMAO! Happy Sunday, friends!

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Two things I've never been called in my life....until now.

1. Malicious

2. Mean Spirited

Hmmmm....I guess it's good that I've made it 48 years without being referred to in that manner, right? Until now...

I was going to write a detailed background here as to what lead up to me being referred to as this, but the truth is that it's really not important. The bottom line is, I met someone, we went out, we talked daily, he breaks a date, goes out of town and I never hear from him again. Eventually I emailed him a "Did you get lost on your way home from your weekend, or are you just bored with me already?" and his response was "Neither".

That was it. "Neither". Not "Sorry I've been out of touch" or "You're really not my kind of girl" or "I broke both hands jacking off and couldn't type for a week". (Which frankly would be quite a turn on for me! LOL)

It is just me, or wouldn't some sort of more-than-one-word response been appropriate here? Granted, he doesn't owe me an explanation at all, but to me, common courtesy dictates that if you're speaking with someone on a daily basis, and then do an abrupt fade, when asked about it you should man up and say why you bailed.

So after another week of silence I politely say "Listen, I thought we had a good connection, so if you'd like to tell me what happened that caused you to turn and run, I'd love to hear it. I haven't dated in eight years, so I'll take all the feedback I can get. And if not, that's okay too."

And the rest of the conversation goes like this:

Him: I have a lot of things to say . . . some you may find useful, some may piss you off . . . I think you have a lot of unresolved anger.

Me: Unresolved anger? LOL. Elaborate please! When have I exhibited anger of any sort towards you?

Him: LOL . . . not towards me personally, but men in general . . . because of whatever your ex did to you. It's all in your blog. You should read it sometime. Your initial "therapy" in writing it (a psychologist might have been a better idea) has now turned into something bordering on maliciousness and mean-spiritedness . . . I wish I had it in front of me to make references, but this laptop is not hooked up to a printer.

Me: Well I'm sorry you interpret it that way now. Two weeks ago you thought it was fun and entertaining! So I will continue to operate under the assumption that my 35,000 blog hits indicate that your opinion of me being mean spirited and malicious is yours alone. Take care.

Now, I happily go down on record as saying I Am Not Perfect. Never have been, never will be. And sure as hell don't pretend like I am! But one thing I know for sure, is that I have never, ever intentionally hurt anyone's feelings. I am not the kind of person who gets her kicks out of being a raving bitch.

That's not to say I can't "be" a raving bitch. LOL...but it's just not my general, day to day nature!

So I was a bit surprised by this assessment of me. Especially as it refers to my blog. And even more so because two weeks ago this same person read my blog, and called me to say he thinks it's fabulous, I'm funny and talented and smart and he thinks that I am doing an amazing job with it.

And now I'm malicious and mean spirited.

Is anyone else as confused by that as I am? *Am* I that way on here? Do I come across to you guys as this kind of person? I realize most of you don't know me, however a good chunk of my readers are people who know me in real life. And I'm hard pressed to find one of them who would describe me in this manner.

So tell me your thoughts on this. Do you agree with what he said? Do I have unresolved anger issues, and should have consulted a psychologist rather than engage in blog therapy? Or do you think that perhaps he should have taken the time to get to know me without trying so hard to sleep with me instead and learned who the woman behind the blog really is?

Thousand Words Thursday

A Lot Of Wine + Techno Music at the Showhouse Party = Dance Fever.



Somehow, it's so much more embarrassing sober.

So that's what Dorothy was really thinking!

I firmly believe this is the true ending to The Wizard of Oz. Or at least, it should have been....



Dorothy with PMS. Hilarious!

The Husband Store - Anyone got a coupon?

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose her life partner. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store...

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer...

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Gee, no wonder my marriage only lasted 2 years. I got off on the first floor.

So....the Sexy Blogger Award.

OK so I was given the Sexy Blogger award by my faux lesbian lover blogging buddy Deb, perhaps out of fear of relatiation of what might happen if she didn't bestow it on me, or because my blog happens to be at the top of her reading list only because it starts with a number.

Regardless of why I got it, the fact remains I can officially be known as Julie the SB, which in this case now means Sexy Blogger, not Skanky Bitch.

So, like every damn award, this one has rules. What's with the rules, people? Do you think when you get an Oscar, you have to immediately tell everybody what your ten favorite movies of all time are????? Blog Awards should have no strings attached. It's a gift. It's not herpes, it does not have to keep on giving!

Ooops, sorry...off on a tangent there.

Anyway...the rules for this award are that I have to post Five Sexy Things About Me.

For the love of all that is holy, do you people think if I had 5 sexy things about me, I'd have all this free time to blog???????????????? If I were that hot I'd be livin horizontal with something equally sexy holding me down!

Five things. Crap.

OK, here goes. I'll come up with five things even if I have to make shit up.

#1. My eyes. See picture below. I've been told many times that I have sexy eyes. In fact a reader recently emailed me after my Getting Naked again post and said "For God's sake, don't worry about getting naked again. I haven't seen a full length photo of you but you have such a beautiful face (Oh my God, those gorgeous eyes!) and a kind heart. If I were single, I would be more than happy with that." Dammit, why can't a non-married guy email that sentiment to me??



#2. My cheekbones. See picture above. When I'm not overweight undertall, they look pretty damn good.

#3. My eyelashes. Long and fake looking. Stiletto Mascara by Maybelline (or somebody, I don't really know who and don't feel like taking the time to figure it out right now) really makes them bat worthy.

#4. (OK sitting here staring at the screen and wondering what the hell I can come up with now!) How about my sparkling personality? Now that I'm starting to feel normal again and get back to the fun loving girl I was pre-marriage, I'm much happier, and The Real Julie is beginning to re-emerge. My close friends and family have missed "me" ths past eight years, or so they say. So, I guess this would be something that makes me sexy...I feel good again. I'm enjoying life again. I've got my confidence back and my energy back and have remembered that I really do have a lot to offer. In the immortal words of Karen Walker....Gosh, I don't think that I've ever been stressed out. Why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze and I've got a KILLER rack. Good morning!

#5. Frankly, I've got nothing for #5 that I can actually put in print. Remember, my family and especially my son read my blog. So let's just say, #5 is a talent that is award winning in itself.

Okay, so there's my five sexy things about me! Now, I'm not sure if I have to give this award away, or if I can just hog it all to myself, but because I'm such a suck up giver, I'm going to pass it on.

Don't anybody get your panties in a wad if you aren't on this list. For the love of God, I can't list everyone!!!!! I only have so much time in a day!

Here we go...my nominations for Sexy Blogger are:

Fragrant Liar - She kills me with her humor (which is one of the sexiest traits in anyone). Every single day. I am never going to be over the Exercise Ball thing.

The Butler and Bagman Chronicles - It's a well known fact that I am in love with Bagman. Unfortunately, his alter ego Mark is happily married, otherwise I'd be hauling my ass south and turning into Paula Deen.

Diaries of a Jaded Heart - my buddy Jaded has been through some rough times this past couple of years, but aside from that, she's one of the hottest, sexiest mamas out there. When she dresses up for a night on the town...watch out.

Accidental Single Girl - Danica knows where I live. If I don't give her this award she will pout, stomp her foot, and whine. And then come after me. I'm afraid of her 5'2", 100 lb self. She's a spitfire! But I love her like a sister...

Travel Girl - My boo. LOL We're gonna have so much fun in Vegas.

Vegas Linda Lou - Seriously, we have a separated-at-birth thing going on. I love her with a passion usually reserved for all things chocolate.

Cuz I Said So, That's Why - Missy stepped right up and offered to send me handcuffs. The fact that she had them so readily available turned me on. Imagine what it did to my male readers!

Life Is Good - Seriously, have you seen Dana with her sex toys?

OK I have to stop listing people now. I could go on and on, and now I feel bad that I'm not listing everyone.

So if you are reading this blog, take the damn award. No, really. It's yours. You're all sexy in your own way, and I just can't list everyone. So please, post it on your blog, leave me a comment about it, and let's see what the Five Sexiest Things about my 160 readers are.

(Shit! When did I get 160 readers????)

I'm bringin sexy back....