Screw that aging gracefully crap ***UPDATED***

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.


These days , about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief .'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

**********************************************************

By the way, don't forget to check out my son's blog...he's posted his own 25 Random Things...leave him some comment love, will ya?

**********************************************************

I had a great interview with a new brokerage last night, and appears I am going to switch real estate companies! I'm very excited about this!!!!! Wish me luck!

**********************************************************

I did not get to read everyone's blogs last night, and probably won't today. I'm really, really busy at work and working late every night so bear with me if you don't see me commenting for the next week or so. Once I get tax stuff to the accountant, things will slow down and I'll be back to posting real blogs and commenting on yours!!!!!

And I wasn't even drinking before I went to bed!

So I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed that my Dad and I were going on a ski trip to Banff, Canada. We had to make a 6:20am flight, and for some reason I didn't start packing until 5:30, so I was scrambling to get packed and get us to the airport when my Dad realized he didn't have a passport. I asked him why he didn't have a passport and he told me that even though I had gotten him that passport gift certificate for Xmas (??) he forgot to send it in, so he'd go do it real quick and meet me at the airport, and I was like "Dad, it takes weeks to get a passport. We're going to have to reschedule our trip". The airlines was nice enough to refund our money even though it was now 6:20 and the plane was ready to leave. So I called all my friends and said I wasn't leaving town after all....

And after that I woke up.

This is weird for so many reasons...first of all, my Dad died 4 1/2 years ago. I have never been skiing in my life, and to my knowledge my Dad never did either and we certainly never talked about going together. I thought it was funny that the flight time was very specific, and very strange that I gave him a gift card to get a passport!

I can usually figure out where most of my dreams come from...you know how you recognize things in your dreams that maybe you thought of earlier in the day, or it parallels something that's happening in your life? But this one is a stumper.

What's the strangest dream you've had lately, and do you know why you dreamed it?

PS...I'm in high gear (busy) at work right now so I will read all of your blogs and comment on them later tonight!

25 Random Things About Me

OK so all of you on Facebook know this thing has been passed around by everyone. I decided to bring it to blogland today.

Here are the rules modified for our blogs:

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you..

OK...now for Jule's Rules...I'm not going to tag individual people. MY rule is that if you read this, then Tag! You're it! So repost it on your blog and link back to me....and don't pretend like you didn't read it because I have Analytics, remember. I know who you are...you can't hide.

Here's mine:

1. I'm left handed.
2. However, I only eat, write and put my makeup on left handed.
3. Everything else I do right handed...bat, bowl, throw, catch, sew, use scissors, etc.
4. I used to emcee a Male Revue.
5. I also ran Strip-A-Gram for a year.
6. My hair isn't naturally red. Or whatever color it is today.
7. I have two tattoos, and am more than ready for a third one. They aren't visible unless I'm on my way to naked though.
8. I sing in the car. Badly.
9. I hate birds with a passion. Alive or dead, makes no difference. They scare the crap out of me.
10. I almost broke my back bowling.
11. I have dated brothers. Twice. Hey, it was the 80's.
12. I was a damn good wife. I had this whole June Cleaver side that came out. I wrestled that bitch into submission though immediately after my divorce.
13. I've had fake nails for something like 20 consecutive years now.
14. I secretly long for a boob job. Not bigger...just up where they belong.
15. The wrinkles on my face scare me. (They probably scare a lot of you but you are too nice to say!) I'm saving for Botox and Restylane at least, and I'm not opposed to a face lift at all.
16. I'm glad I quit smoking...but I miss it sometimes.
17. I need a vacation. A *real* vacation. One where I can actually relax and leave work behind and not talk to the office, hear from the office, get emails or texts from anyone who works in my office, or think about the office.
18. I purposely don't answer the phone or text messages sometimes. I just don't want to talk. Actually these days, *most* of the time I don't want to talk.
19. If coffee isn't strong enough to pour itself into my cup, I have no use for it.
20. I'm so proud of my son, and I could not love him more. I look at him and know I have done something right in my life.
21. I miss my sister like you would not believe. Every.single.day.
22. I can be reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally lazy. Like, not get off the couch for 8 hours except to pee and find snack foods.
23. I know I should exercise every single day, and yet I don't. Ever. Unless you count climbing on my roof and chipping ice out of my gutter exercise, in which case I've worked out for 3 straight days now.
24. I still dream of being a make-up artist. I never ever wanted to be in accounting yet here I am.
25. I had nothing else to blog about today because right now, my life is all work and no play.

Happy Monday, kids!

Sunday Rewind

Yep, it's my day off, so I'm recycling my exercise bike posts from September. Enjoy!

Conversation with the Exercise Bike...Part I:

Bike: Psssst....

Julie: (looks around to see who's Psss'ing her)

Bike: Hey, lard ass...

Julie: (looks at bike) Oh hey, dust bunny. What's up?

Bike: Clearly not you.

Julie: Wow, pretty smart for something that just sits there spinning it's freaking wheels and going nowhere.

Bike: Get over here and get on me.

Julie: (wishing for once, something that wasn't mechanical would say this to her)

Bike: Mount me. I want you now!

Julie: (hearing that infamous "boom chicka wow wow" porn music)

Bike: I'm serious. Come here, sit on top of me. Move your legs and hips, and start breathing hard.

Julie: (sigh....if only....)

Bike: Hello? Is anyone there? Julie? Why are your eyes glazed over? Get back here! You do not need a cigarette now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Conversation with the Exercise Bike - Part 2

Bike: Psssst....

Julie: WHAT????

Bike: C'mere honey.

Julie: Do NOT talk to me like that.

Bike: I've got a little sumpin sumpin for ya...

Julie: No you don't! You don't fool me! I know what you want me to do!

Bike: Yeah I do, baby. C'mere...come to Daddy.

Julie: OMG. You did not just say that.

Bike: Sit on Daddy's lap.

Julie: OMG! Leave me alone! Pervert!!!!!

Bike: You know you want to. You've been looking at me all night with that look in your eyes.

Julie: Oh, for the love of...Schwinn. Stop with the come on's already! I'm NOT interested!

Bike: You want some of this hard steel, you know you do.

Julie: Hard steel? How hard?

Bike: We'll take it slow, I promise.

Julie: Are you sure? Because I'm inexperienced...I haven't really done this much.

Bike: It's okay...you just let me take care of everything.

Julie: Mmmmm....I'm on top, right? Gee, I was never good at this position. Don't look up, ok?

Bike: Come on baby...ride me hard. Hard and fast. You can do it...

.........20 minutes later...........

Julie: Wow, that was really fantastic. I had no idea I was so good at it!

Bike: Way to burn rubber, baby. Look at my smokin tires. You da bomb.

Julie: Yeah, I'll bet you say that to all the girls.

Bike: Same time tomorrow?

Julie: Uh hey, this was fun but let's not rush anything. I've got a date with Wii Fit tomorrow. He's really got a lot more to offer....more positions, more ways to keep me interested. And I get bonus points for endurance.

Bike: You'll be back. He can't give you what I can. I have a built in fan!

Talk about a Power Lunch!!!!!

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said "I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?"

Angelina Jolie agreed. "I'm told I'm the most gorgeous woman of them all,but sometimes I wonder."

Brad Pitt added "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed."

They decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking Mirror Mirror on the Wall to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world!"

Brad jumped up and said "Congratulations! And you are indeed looking at the Sexiest Man Alive, according to the Mirror."

But Angelina Jolie lifted her sad, gorgeous face and said in a somewhat pissed off voice...

"Who the Hell is Julie?"

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. LOL

Welcome to sunny, warm and lovely Ohio....

Dear Diary

Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Ohio. It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is truly God's Country.

Oct. 14 - Ohio is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.


Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Ohio. I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here.


Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!


Dec. 21 - More of that white shit coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. Do you know how hard it is to shovel snow that is up to your knees??? I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.


Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap?? And can somebody plow my patio so the dogs have a place to pee?


Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??


Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the shithead actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a damn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of shit into fireplace wood when I had the chance.


May 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow shit.


May 10 - Sold the car, the house and moved to California. I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken State of Ohio.

A mid-life career change.

OK..not mine. Although after the month I've had at work, I'm about ready to. I need my real estate side to kick in and generate some income so I can pay off bills and then if I decided somewhere down the road to change jobs (or move to a warmer state!) I could afford to take a paycut to do something I love.

Anyway...that's not the point of the blog. Here's the point:

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

Thanks, Sandi. I don't know how in the hell you even find time to read this stuff, let alone forward it to me, but I appreciate the laughs!!!!

I promise, I will get back to more personalized blogs, and less joke'y ones, as soon as I get the year closed and stuff to the accountants. Right now I'm too busy at work to be creative or funny.

Wait, I am actually creative and funny when I'm not busy, right?

Oh, by the way, my son got home from Chicago safely yesterday. His flight was delayed two hours but he managed to get home after all. I was surprised, with all the ice and snow I figured he'd be stranded another day. I'm sure he'd have *hated* that. LOL

Joining the Interview Bandwagon....

Yep, I've been interviewed and I know you are all just dying to read it. So thanks to my bloggirlfriend (that's my new word I just made up, like it?) Binks , I submit her burning questions and my direct yet witty answers.

1) My friend Shelle says that it is bad manners to talk on your phone in the bathroom. You recently wrote that you are never without your iPhone, even in the bathroom. What exactly are you doing on the iPhone in there? What is the last application that you added?

Well, it's true that I never go anywhere without my iPhone. My sister gives me shit about this constantly. "Why do you have to have that thing with you every second of the day?" The short answer is...because I can! Usually in the bathroom, I check mail, or I may be in the midst of a text conversation with someone and frankly, they can't hear you peeing via text so it's not really "rude" to engage in the two activities at once. Although I have been known to actually pee while talking on the phone to my BFF Elizabeth, but she does the same to me so we're both fine with it! Just pretend I'm standing near a waterfall if it bothers you. Oh, and the last application I added was "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". I love trivia anything. And, I want to be a millionaire.

2) My sister is 49 and divorced. She is looking to start dating too. Do you have any pointers for her and where the hell do you meet men?

Oh honey, I am NOT the person to take dating advice from! The last time I went out on more than one date with someone, I married the guy and we all know how well that worked out for me. And you've seen the kind of men I attract on dating sites, so trust me, this question is better posed to my friend VegasLindaLou. She's doing much better being divorced and dating than I am! I want to be her when I grow up.

3) Jill seemed to think that people would be interested in shoe sizes. What size shoe do you wear? How many pairs of shoes do you have and approximately how old is the oldest pair of shoes in your closet?

Hahaha...I don't have shoes, I have foot yachts. My feet are a size 11. (Hey, I'm 5'9", give me a break!) If flip flops count as shoes, I probably have 60 pair in my closet. If they don't, then I have about 30 pair of actual shoes. My oldest ones are about 10 years old, they are sandals that I can't bear to throw out!

4) As I mentioned before, my sister is single and has been divorced for 15 years. I bought her a sex toy for her birthday once. What is the strangest gift you've ever received? Did you like it and do you still have it?

Wow, I have to think about this. I've never really gotten any strange gifts. (But if anyone wants my address, email me. I'm open to accepting them!) I guess the strangest one would have been a fire extinguisher from a guy I was dating. I don't know if he was trying to tell me I was too horny, or just making me prepared in case of emergency, but he didn't last long after that.

5) Dating is hard. Dating later in life seems extremely hard. Can you tell us about your best date ever? How about the worse? How about the most embarrassing thing to happen on a date?

It's funny, I really don't have a "best date" that jumps out in my mind. I'm sitting here actually wracking my brain trying to think of one! I can tell you my worst date easily. About 6 months after my divorce, I attempted to go out on a date with some guy I met on the Internet. He seemed nice enough, so I agreed to dinner at PF Changs. The guy showed up, and clearly his profile picture had been taken about 100 lbs ago. He had on this very 70's brown cordaroy jacket, and when he took it off he was actually wearing SUSPENDERS. I'm thinking already that I'm going to eat and run. So we sit down to dinner, and the waiter takes our drink orders and he says "Well, I rarely drink...so I'll just have a double Grey Goose on the rocks". Huh? FIVE double Grey Gooses later, I'm thinking gee, I believe what he meant to say was "Well, I rarely drink...less than a bottle in one sitting". He ordered three appetizers and proceeded to eat 99% of them by himself, he ate all of his dinner and what part of mine that I didn't eat, and as I'm sitting there thinking "Thank God the meal is over and I can run", he orders coffee and desserts. Two of them. And again, eats most of them. And during the meal, I find out that he had been in prison for two years for trafficking something out of Amsterdam (it was a mistake you know, he didn't really do it, his ex-wife set him up) and he has no credit and is driving a rental car for some reason he couldn't really explain...and at this point I'm about to do the "bathroom ditch" thing! Finally the long excrutiating meal was over, and he wanted to walk me to my car (which I politely refused) and he tried to grab me and come in for a kiss, which I completely ducked and twirled out of! I shook his hand, said thanks, and ran....and I have not dated since!

So there you have it. Now I believe the rules of this game are that if you want to be interviewed by me, leave me a comment and tell me. Unfortunately, because I'm so damn busy with work right now, I do not have time to do individual interviews but I will have a general list of questions ready! So let me know if you want to be interviewed by me!!!!

Awwww...I'm famous!

Check this out. VegasLindaLou blogged about me today. Well, not totally about me, but at least I'm the basis for her post!

Isn't it funny, how in this bloggy world of ours, we "meet" new friends who immediately become old friends? I have a list of several of you (and you know who you are) that I feel almost as close to as my true life real best friends, and yet I've never met any of you...yet. But I feel as if we've been friends forever because I not only read about your lives on your blogs, but we email each other as well, and in some instances we instigate the Cell Phone Tree when one of us posts a scary blog and sends the rest of us into a panic so that we start calling you and each other to make sure all is well! (Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, Miss Myrtle Beach)

I cannot wait to meet every one of you. I truly can't.

Why you should always check your child's homework.

Here's what can happen if you don't check you child's homework. This is the homework paper that was submitted:



Here's the reply the teacher received the following day:


Dear Mrs. Allen,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture does not show me dancing around a pole. It is supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Jacobs

I'm good with the one liners, and in other news....

First, these made me laugh. So I'm making you laugh too.

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

In other news....

I'm on Day 21 of no smoking. Cravings are for the most part totally gone. The habit is almost broken, although I sometimes forget I'm not smoking anymore and have actually put my coat on to go outside for one!

Don't forget Penny's Blog. If I'm going to get healthy this year, so are the rest of you, dammit. I can't live to be 100 without you guys, who the hell will laugh at my dating misfortune?

Due to lack of interest, today has been cancelled.

I am in no state of mind to blog. I've been up since 4:15, and I'm just having a tough day. (Shit, it's 5:45am and a bad day already? This does NOT bode well for the prospect of a good Sunday, does it?)

Is it hormonal? Am I depressed? I don't know. I cried for an hour until I could no longer breathe in a horizontal position and had to get out of bed.

Nothing bad has happened. I think I'm just stressed from working a lot, I'm adjusting to my day to day, hands on job as a Mom being over and my baby adult child no longer needing me, and frankly, I'm really lonely. I hate being almost 48 years old and single. I need companionship, and not the kind that you get from girlfriends either. I have plenty of friends and family who love me. I just miss being in love, and having someone love me back. I don't mind being alone, but damn I am lonely.

Jordan is having a great time in Chicago. He started a blog of his own (the apple doesn't fall far from this tree, eh?) so click HERE to read it. I'm his first follower...go figure.

OK kids, I'm going to go drink some coffee, read the paper, and try to get my shit together. This day HAS to get better.

*********************

OK you have to look at THIS. It's Jordan's MySpace page. Look at this collage of pictures of him and his girlfriend Stephanie. They've basically been best friends for several years now, so the first 4 pictures are ones of them as friends over that time period, the 5th picture is from Prom last May, when I think they started thinking maybe they were more than friends, and then a current one of them as boyfriend/girlfriend. What I love about this, is the quote underneath, which if you don't recognize it, it's from the end of When Harry Met Sally, when Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal are talking about their relationship and how they ended up married. It's one of my favorite all time movies, and I had no idea it was on Jordan's page until now. It describes him and Steph perfectly. Dammit, I'm crying again! LOL....but at least it's happy crying because it makes me happy to see my son this way.

The Empty Nest

I just got back from putting my son and his girlfriend on a plane to Chicago for a 5 day vacation.

I'm crying. I cried kissing him goodbye. I cried watching him go through security. I cried on the way to the car. I cried on the way home. And here I sit....still crying.

Nobody tells you, when you bring that bouncing little baby home from the hospital, that 18 years later letting them go out on their own is one of the hardest things you will ever do.

I have always known where he was, and what he was doing. I've always had some false sense of security in thinking I had control over things...that as long as I knew he was travelling from Point A to Point B, he would be safe because I *knew* where he was.

He's now boarding a flight to Chicago, and I'm not in control of this. So I have a message to someone else...

Mr. Pilot of United Flight #331, you have my life in your hands. Take care of him. He means everything in the world to me.

As for everyone else, just please keep my baby in your thoughts, that he's safe in his travels, that he has a great time, and he comes home, happy and healthy (and probably tired!) to his Mom.

And keep me in mind too. Remind me that you guys have been through this with your kids and it didn't kill you to let them grow up and go out on their own. Because right now, I feel a little sick inside. And a whole lot empty.

This is why you don't take men shopping.

I received this email yesterday, and it made me laugh out loud. I don't know Dana's husband Joe, but for some reason I'm convinced it's him.


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.

Dear Mrs. Smith:

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Smith are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least.

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

We respectfully request that during your future trips to Target, you ask your husband to wait at Lowe's.

Sincerely,

Steven Dixon
Manager

OMG, the visuals kill me. I am meant to marry a man like this. LOL

Coming Friday....the first Bachelor of 2009!

You know I can't give up my Bachelor Blogs. There are entirely too many dysfunctional men out there who give me great material!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You'll love *this* guy.

OK doing the picture tag thing....

OK I'm supposed to find my 5th album 5th picture and post it and explain it...

So here you go:



This is my sister taking my mother a ride on the quad runner. I think this was last summer (in 2007) so my Mom would have been 83 at the time.

Obviously it turned out okay as Mom is still alive and Sue Ellen didn't kill her by rolling the quad or something ridiculous like that.

If you read this....tag, you're it. Post your 5th album/5th picture and tell me about it.

It's not only a historical day, but a birthday as well!

It is a day, like many before us, where someday, somebody will say "Where were you the day Obama took office?" I know where I was the morning of September 11th, I know where I was the minute news broke that the Challenger had exploded, I know where I was the moment I heard John Kennedy Jr's plane went down, I know where I was when a jury made the mistake of pronouncing OJ "not guilty", and I will always know where I was and what I was doing on January 20, 2009.

I am taking the rest of the day off from blogging to listen/watch the Inauguration events today. I will either have a TV at work, or be tuned in via the Internet all day long.

I'll be back tomorrow when President Obama begins his first full day in office!

Oh, and by the way...it's my BFF Elizabeth's birthday today. She doesn't have a blog of her own for me to send you to for birthday comments, but she does manage to read my blog so feel free to leave them for her on mine. Just to let you know more about her, you can read about her HERE and HERE TOO.

How special is she that she gets a new President for her birthday?????? She *always* gets the good men. LOL Happy birthday, babe! Love you!

OK, I'll play the ABC Game...and you should too!

Yeah, I'm this hard up for blogging material. So I give you...The ABC Game.

A. Attached or single? Can't "divorced" be an option to check? I hate "single". I'm 47 years old, for God's sake. It makes me sound like an old maid. At least saying "divorced" tells the world at one point in my life, somebody loved me enough to marry me!

B. Best friend? Yup-3 of them. The best girl friends that I could ever ask for!

C. Cake or pie? If chocolate is involved...both. If not, probably pie.

D. Dog or cat? Dogs, two Yorkies. Gracie and Griffin.

E. Essential item? I don't go anywhere without my iPhone. Even the bathroom.

F. Favorite color? Black.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Neither. I am not a Gummy Gal.

H. Hometown? I consider Logan, Ohio to be my hometown. I was born in Portmouth but moved when I was 9 to Logan, and that's where my good memories are.

I. Favorite indulgence? Monthly massage.

J. January or July? July definitely. January is my month-from-hell because of closing year end.

K. Kids? Jordan. He's my child, but he's not a kid anymore.

L. Life isn’t complete without? My family and friends.

M. Marriage date? September 20, 2003.

N. Number of brothers and sisters? 3 sisters, no brothers.

O. Oranges or apples? I like both but right now I'm on an oranges kick.

P. Phobias? BIRDS. Alive or dead.

Q. Quote? "If I looked like Halle Berry I wouldn't need a man. All I'd need is a candle, a glass of wine and a full length mirror."

R. Reasons to smile? I get a pretty good laugh out of most of Deb & Jill's comments. They are every bit as warped as I am.

S. Season of choice? Summer.

T. Travel dreams? I love anywhere there's ocean and sand. But I want to take a cruise this year, and ultimately go the usual places like Paris, London, somewhere in Ireland, and naturally, anyplace tropical.

U. Unknown fact about me? My clothes hang in my closet all facing to the left, and by color. Oh, and by style. Shirts, then sweat shirts, then jeans, then other pants, then within those styles they are grouped by color. I know, I know. Don't even say how weird this is.

V. Vegetable? Other than the "normal" ones, I love artichoke hearts. And brussels sprouts.

W. Worst habit? I can be verrrrrrrrrrrrry lazy.

X. X-ray or ultrasound? Well I haven't had an ultrasound since 1990 and don't foresee ever having one again (at least not regarding a baby!) so I guess X-ray.

Y. Your favorite restaurants? Buca di Beppo, Outback, Old Bag of Nails...depends on type of food!

Z. Zodiac sign? Aries

How far will a condom stretch?

OMG, this is hilarious. Don't worry, it's rated PG.

Seriously? Still no water?

I'm so fucking sick of this.

Still no goddamn water. Fucking pipes. Fucking cold ass weather.

I have a little cold water moving now, but no hot. So I can flush the toilet but still can't take a shower in my own home. Or do laundry. Or run the dishwasher.

I am not in a good mood today. I want a cigarette so fucking bad I could scream.

I think I need to stop blogging for today before I offend everyone.