The American Idols Tour. Or, the I love Glambert hour.

So, Tuesday night I went to the American Idols 2009 Tour.

Supposedly there were 10 people performing.

I only saw one.

OK I saw the rest, but they were so unimpressive that they didn't register on my radar as actually "seeing" them. They were pretty insignificant.

I took my sister Patty for her birthday.



We had great seats. Fifth Row Center.



First up was Michael Sarver. Boring. Packed on some weight this tour, though.



Then Megan Joy. Megan, sweetie....Foxy Brown called and wants her afro back. And she's pissed that you bleached it white.



Next up was Lil Rounds, I think. The girl can sing, but she was way over-blinged. She was all about the rhinestones.



After that, I don't remember what order the rest were in, but here's the blind guy, Anoop Dog, and that other dude. Matt somebody. I dunno.





Then they all tried in vain to entertain with dueling pianos and a number featuring all of the bottom six finishers.





Mercifully, the first half came to a close.

The second half of the show started with Allison playing the guitar and screeching like a banshee. She butchered "Barracuda" by my beloved Heart. Not cool. I loved her voice on the show, but last night, all she did was scream. And it wasn't pretty. The colors behind her were though.



Then came Danny Gokey. He's cute in a "trying way too hard to be a performer" way. Unfortunately he lost big points with me for singing a song that brings back really bad memories for me related to my ex and the whore who helped break up my marriage, so since I had to endure that, he only gets one picture here as well.



Then....came the reason I bought tickets to the damn show in the first place.

Glambert.

I'm gonna try to upload the video of his opening song "Whole Lotta Love". Some parts are hard to see because of the ass on front of me. Literally. This stupid bitch fellow concert goer decided she needed to stand on her chair while he was on stage, because evidently from the 4th row she couldn't see up his frickin nose. I asked her politely three times to get down and stop standing on the chair because her ass was so big you could NOT see around it. The fourth time I grabbed her, pulled her down and said "If you stand up in front of me again, I will send you flying onto the guy in front of you with a massive shove, and security will then throw your ass out and solve my problem for good". How freaking rude. You're in the fourth goddamn row, you are 35 if you're a day, he's ignoring you, AND HE'S GAY. He isn't going to fuck you backstage after the show. So sit your "Marry me Adam" screaming, blue extension streak in your hair, I Love Glambert t-shirt wearing ass down and watch the damn show like the rest of us.

Sorry, got off on a tangent there! It still pisses me off that someone could be that rude!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, back to the video, so I will try to upload it here. Meanwhile, here's some photos for your viewing pleasure.







Oh yeah, and the guy who won was there too. Talk about irrelevant. Poor guy, having to take the stage after Adam. He was about as exciting as soggy bread. I almost forgot to even take his picture. I felt bad for him though. You have to understand, the place erupted when Adam came out. Up until then, it was mild applause at best. No screaming fans. And then for Chris Allen (that is his name, right? This guy who won?) to come out after women are throwing bras and panties on the stage and screaming like 14 year olds....you'd have thought the audience turned into 15,000 nursing home residents. And he lulled everyone to sleep with three slow songs. Way to buzz kill the high energy from Adam, dude....



Oh well, doesn't look like the video is going to load. Sorry. Just trust me, I have every song he did. He was well worth the price of admission

Wax On, Wax Off. Yeah, right.

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal for years. The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and especially...do-it-yourself waxing.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, watch some TV. Then I had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. No, really. I am!

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am SheRah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After pouring myself another glass of wine, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something.

So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the neighbors, and scared the shit out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

IT WORKS!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Wax on, wax off. Yeah, right. Next time I'll go to a professional.

Due to lack of interest....

Today's blog post has been cancelled.

By the way, the lack of interest is mine. I've just got nothing to say. I'm swamped at work, I don't have time to read anyone else's blogs, and I feel really disconnected right now.

Don't worry, I'll be back when I feel like I have something to entertain you with.

Just not today.

The Birthday Girl and a very odd thing.

Thursday was my Mom's 85th birthday. We had a little birthday party for her at my sister's house.

This is Mom with my sisters Patty and Sue Ellen, and of course yours truly:



And here's Mom and her favorite daughter.



OK the oddest thing just happened while I was sitting here typing this. I was looking at the picture of me with my mom and sisters and thinking to myself that I will never get used to seeing us without my sister Linda. There is just an empty space in every photo where she should be.

Suddenly I started hearing the Ohio State fight song! Mind you, Linda was a huge Buckeye fan....

Two years ago I ended up with a pair of Brutus Buckeye infant slippers that you squeeze it's head and it plays the fight song. (Don't ask, it's a long story how and why I have them!) These things have been in a bag in my computer room for well over a year now, and the bag is just sitting on the floor.

That's where the song was coming from. Nobody is in the computer room, nothing fell on the bag, there is no reason for that to suddenly start playing.

Except that maybe, Linda just let me know that she's here. Maybe not in the picture...but still here in my life.

Thanks, sis. I needed that today.

Cash for Clunkers?

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst part.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS...........I QUALIFY

How about You?

Weigh In Day! And Happy Birthday, Mom!

Are y'all sick of hearing about this yet? Just remember, you love me even when I'm high fiving myself! And don't forget, if you go back and read my very first post in April 2008, I started this blog in part to be accountable for trying to lose weight and get healthy. Yeah it took me a year to get started...but at least I'm doing it now.

Anyway...on to the important news!

This week's weigh in...down 2.9 lbs! Yay!!! Here's my new total...




I've lost 4.5" off my boobs, 4.5" off my waist, 4.5" off my hips (do we see a pattern here?) and 1 3/4" off my upper arms. Oh, and 2 dress sizes.

I was so excited, today I could fit into my Divorce Pants!

Four years ago, during the Summer from Hell when I was separating and divorcing, I lost 30 lbs in about 6 weeks from the stress. I bought this pair of really cute jean capris, but needless to say by the time the following summer rolled around, I had gained it all back and they didn't fit. So they've been hanging in my closet ever since.

When I started Weight Watchers on April 9th, I tried those pants on, with a goal of fitting into them before summer was over. Every couple of weeks I've tried them on to gauge where I was in my goal.

This morning I saw them hanging there and thought I'd give it a shot and see if they were getting close. Last time I tried them on, I could pull them up as long as I slathered my thighs with vaseline but couldn't button or zip.

As I pulled them on today and they slid up my body easily I was like "hmmmmm...?" and then voila...they snapped and zipped with no problem!

I was so psyched!

I wore them to work and was prancing all around like the closet supermodel I am. Work it, girl! Haha

I'm a size 16 again! I can go into regular stores and buy things! Yay!!!!!

And...I've done it slow and healthy. I'm proud of me!

Still got a ways (weighs?) to go until I'm a size 12. That's my true goal.

But damn, I'm halfway there! Size 20 gone. Size 18 gone.

Size 16. Check.

But not for long.

Oh...and by the way, today is my Mom's 85th birthday. I'll post pictures about it tomorrow. Happy birthday Mommy...I love you dearly.

Ooh, I wanna take a bite out of that!

So evidently the new trend these days is Divorce Parties complete with Divorce Cakes.

Now, I had neither back on September 28, 2005. But I did drink that day. In fact I haven't stopped drinking since....

Makes you wonder how a woman can celebrate this long, doesn't it? LOL

Anyway, too bad I didn't have one of these at the time! Kim, if you are reading this, I think you can corner the market with your cake decorating skills on this idea!!!!

Enjoy!

Is it possible to still have that "happily ever after"?

One of my readers commented last week and asked me what I thought about this:

At our age, is it still possible to have that "happily ever after"?

She said:

I am just 50 and have been in serious/not so serious relationships since my divorce [almost] ten years ago. I am (in my own mind and have also been told) attractive, financially stable, sweet, decent, sexy, etc. A good catch perhaps? Truthfully, I suppose that is true. I am not the helpless "I need a man" whining type. Nor, do I depend on a man to fulfill me or to "make" me happy. I have good relationships with family and friends. I like my life. Perhaps the best way of summing up my relationship potential is to state that the men I have had serious relationships are still good friends.

So ------- I hear this a lot. Do you?

- don't settle
- you deserve a man who treats you like a queen
- someone is out there who is just for you

Truly I am a realist. I am not counting on having a relationship. I am not counting on someone to grow old with. I am not counting on anything. I am merely wondering if it's even possible. I am incredibly curious about this.

At age 50 we have lived life. The men I know have lived their lives. We have scars. We have had experiences; good and bad. We have raised our children. We've lived independently for a while. With all of this:

- is it realistic to think that we can put past experience behind us and choose to love again?
- is it realistic that a man of my age would even have the desire to put me and our relationship as the focus of their life?
- are there even any men like that out there?
- do marriages happen at this age?
- is it realistic to think that good late-in-life relationships occur? work? last?

I wonder if at this time in my life I should just share sex/companionship/conversation with a man and leave it at that? Have no further expectations?

As I said before, I am happy now with life as it is but smart enough to realize that a good relationship would enhance my life. I just want to know the reality of later in life relationships; if they even exist. And if they do, what they are like.

Sincerely, Single in Cali.

Dear Single:

God, I hope it's possible. If not, I'm going to be really disappointed.

Like you, I am (or so I'm told) attractive, sweet, funny, sexy, and while I may not be rolling in the dough, I am paying the bills and able to buy the occasional Coach purse, or travel to visit my blogging buddies in other states. (Watch out, Paula. I'm looking for a passport stamp. You and Germany are next!)

And like you, I do hear the same things from my friends. I shouldn't settle for less than what I want in my next relationship. I deserve to be treated like a queen after being run over by the bus that was my ex-husband. And yes, I always hear "Mr. Right is out there, and he'll come along when you aren't looking."

Well, when do I stop looking?

What is the time limit from my last date til when I officially give up all hope? Is there a countdown clock going on somewhere that every time I go out on yet another prospective partner job interview date, it resets itself and just waits for me to give up all hope on finding that guy that I could care enough about to give 'happily ever after' one more shot?

And when I do finally give up, and accept that I may be alone for the rest of my life...how soon does Dr. Right finally drive up in his Porsche? (I'm being sarcastic...FYI)

Yes, I have baggage. My marriage wasn't always easy, and my divorce broke my heart. And thanks to the way it ended, I will probably have a really, really hard time trusting a man again. But I am willing to try.

I'm ready. And I think it is realistic to believe that there are men out there who are willing to put their own past experiences behind them and fall in love again too.

Now, that being said...I sure haven't found one yet!

But here's the thing, everybody's experiences are different. My bloggy friend CCD had a divorce every bit as horrific as mine (and more so), and she's happily in love and getting married again. But then again, another of my blogging buddies just broke up with her boyfriend who I thought she'd be with forever. I know a lot of my readers are single again and some have gone on and found great guys, and others are in our same position...wondering if there really is someone out there for us.

I don't "need" a man. But I want one really badly. I just miss everything about the concept. I miss having a partner, a best friend, a lover, a companion. I miss being special to another person.

So to answer your question, yes I think later-in-life relationships exist, and they can be very good. I have seen it happen! I try very hard to be positive about it, and in the meantime, while I wait for whoever-he-is to find his way into my life, I am doing things for ME. Taking care of myself, my health, my finances, etc. Learning to be happy with me, so that I don't ever feel like it takes a man to give me that happiness.

But don't take my word for it. My readers have tons of experience in this area. So I am asking them to let us both know their experiences with life after divorce, and relationships at this age....

Readers....do YOU believe it's still possible to have 'happily ever after' once you're past 45?

Sunday Rewind - The ABC Game

Off to enjoy the 90 degrees and hot sun that Ohio has to offer today! So let me entertain you with a rewind from January called "The ABC Game". Happy Sunday!


Monday, January 19, 2009

OK, I'll play the ABC Game...and you should too!

Yeah, I'm this hard up for blogging material. So I give you...The ABC Game.

A. Attached or single? Can't "divorced" be an option to check? I hate "single". I'm 47 years old, for God's sake. It makes me sound like an old maid. At least saying "divorced" tells the world at one point in my life, somebody loved me enough to marry me!

B. Best friend? Yup-3 of them. The best girl friends that I could ever ask for!

C. Cake or pie? If chocolate is involved...both. If not, probably pie.

D. Dog or cat? Dogs, two Yorkies. Gracie and Griffin.

E. Essential item? I don't go anywhere without my iPhone. Even the bathroom.

F. Favorite color? Black.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Neither. I am not a Gummy Gal.

H. Hometown? I consider Logan, Ohio to be my hometown. I was born in Portmouth but moved when I was 9 to Logan, and that's where my good memories are.

I. Favorite indulgence? Monthly massage.

J. January or July? July definitely. January is my month-from-hell because of closing year end.

K. Kids? Jordan. He's my child, but he's not a kid anymore.

L. Life isn’t complete without? My family and friends.

M. Marriage date? September 20, 2003.

N. Number of brothers and sisters? 3 sisters, no brothers.

O. Oranges or apples? I like both but right now I'm on an oranges kick.

P. Phobias? BIRDS. Alive or dead.

Q. Quote? "If I looked like Halle Berry I wouldn't need a man. All I'd need is a candle, a glass of wine and a full length mirror."

R. Reasons to smile? I get a pretty good laugh out of most of Deb & Jill's comments. They are every bit as warped as I am.

S. Season of choice? Summer.

T. Travel dreams? I love anywhere there's ocean and sand. But I want to take a cruise this year, and ultimately go the usual places like Paris, London, somewhere in Ireland, and naturally, anyplace tropical.

U. Unknown fact about me? My clothes hang in my closet all facing to the left, and by color. Oh, and by style. Shirts, then sweat shirts, then jeans, then other pants, then within those styles they are grouped by color. I know, I know. Don't even say how weird this is.

V. Vegetable? Other than the "normal" ones, I love artichoke hearts. And brussels sprouts.

W. Worst habit? I can be verrrrrrrrrrrrry lazy.

X. X-ray or ultrasound? Well I haven't had an ultrasound since 1990 and don't foresee ever having one again (at least not regarding a baby!) so I guess X-ray.

Y. Your favorite restaurants? Buca di Beppo, Outback, Old Bag of Nails...depends on type of food!

Z. Zodiac sign? Aries

What a difference 54 years makes!

In 1955 they said....

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

Sigh. Yeah, let's UPDATE this one too.

OK, I know I know...it's not a big deal and weight fluctuates daily. The facts are this month I've lost 4.4 lbs, an average of .9 a week. I want the weight to come off faster than this, and I'm pissed that it's not.

BUT....

According to WW, I have lost 4" in my waist, 4" in my hips, 4" of boobs and back fat chest, and 1 1/2" of flabby bat wings upper arms.

So, 25.2 lbs (as of today) and 13.5" overall. That's a lot less of me than who was writing this blog on April 9th.

I'm happy with what I've accomplished. I really am. The last time I lost 25 lbs I was going through a divorce and believe me, I was a mess. I simply wasn't eating from the stress, and the weight fell off. It also jumped right back on within 6 months of the divorce being final.

I'm doing it the healthy way this time, and I've always heard that when you take it off slow, you are more likely to keep it off. Sigh. OK fine.

Crawling back off the ledge now.

************************************

Not a good weigh in day.

Up .7 of a lb.

Sigh.

Guess my losing streak is over again.

:::I will not turn into the Incredible Bulk and trash casual wear today::::
:::I will not turn into the Incredible Bulk and trash casual wear today::::
:::I will not turn into the Incredible Bulk and trash casual wear today::::
:::I will not turn into the Incredible Bulk and trash casual wear today::::
:::I will not turn into the Incredible Bulk and trash casual wear today::::
:::I will not turn into the Incredible Bulk and trash casual wear today::::

Things my mind screams but my mouth doesn't. **UPDATED**

First things first...get thee to my buddy Gertrude Groggin's Blog and leave her a comment telling her I sent you. Then become a follower. I want to win these damn candles of hers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, the subject at hand...things my mind screams but my mouth doesn't!

Tuesdays in the blog with Julie

Yea real original with the title there, Jules. Clearly my creativity is at an all time high.

Not.

I've been so damn busy! It's good busy...and it's making me money busy...so I am not complaining!

But it's keeping me from having the motivation to blog, and God knows I don't have the time to read all of yours. Usually I manage to get caught up on my blog reading over the weekend, but didn't even have time for that this weekend. My Google Reader has like 800 unread blog entries!!!!

So thank you to all of you who continue to make time to read me and comment. I really do appreciate it.

So I now have two buyers in contract. Yay! No offer on the condo yet but I am keeping the faith that it's coming.

Still not dating. Sigh. I miss that a lot.

This was a bad WW weekend. I ate this week's worth of points in pepperoni pizza on Friday night and next week's points in Fiesta Ranch dip and potato chips yesterday at Maggie's party.

I'm afraid of the scale on Wednesday. I should probably just skip it and protect my wardrobe...

I'm easily entertained.

More "Texts From Last Night". Humor me.

(801): You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.

(917): i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!

(423): i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.

(502): you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...

(425): Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.

(978): ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

(740): at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!

(614): this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had

(559): my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding

(248): I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time

(781): i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

(402): her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed

(828): There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
(402): Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
(402): The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

(718): Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."

(412): i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes

(905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
(1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

(484): Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
(215): Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks

(972): some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

(757): 6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.

(707): OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
(1-707): Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

(978): my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

(520): The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.

Happy Birthday Dad & Maggie

My niece Maggie was born on my Dad's birthday 28 years ago. Dad used to get the biggest kick out of the fact that from then on, he had the cutest birthday cakes...My Little Pony, Strawberry Shortcake, Barbie...because he'd share one with Maggie. He loved that his pink, girly birthday cakes would say "Happy Birthday, Maggie and Pappy" (my sister always put Pappy since that was what Maggie called him).

Maggie didn't get her own cakes until five years ago, when my Dad died. I'm pretty sure even now, she misses having two names on her cake.

My dad would have been 86 today. I know he and Linda are in heaven, having a drink and a smoke, and enjoying a beautiful day....Daddy, go find Cheri's Mom...I'm sure she baked you a cake. And make sure Danica's Mom is there too...that way I know you are surrounded by beautiful women on your birthday!

While I can't write on this one, it still says "Happy Birthday, Maggie and Pappy" in my heart.



I love and miss you, Daddy. And Mags, I hope this is a wonderful birthday for you. I love you dearly, and I am so proud of the woman you've become. I know Linda watches over you every day, and she is beaming with pride too.

Finally Friday

It's been a long week!

It's been nice because I've been busy all week, which has been a blessing because it gave me less time to obsess over worry about Jordan being in Chicago.

I know, I know. He's an adult.

He's still my baby!

The good news is that I have been working with a new buyer showing houses this week, and we put an offer in yesterday morning on one. Keep your fingers crossed that it's accepted and we go into contract!

I also had positive feedback on a condo showing of mine but no offer thus far.

Last night I had a great dinner with one of my dearest friends, Suzanne, and my boss and his partner. Sue and her husband just got back from Italy and David and Jeffrey are headed there the end of the month, so I got them together to compare notes. It was nice to hear about her trip, and they all made me jealous with their memories of their various European vacations.

I gotta get out more.

Oooh, speaking of which, I'm going back to Vegas!

My boss is taking me and my coworker Amanda to the furniture market in September. We get out there on Saturday, September 12th at like 5pm so we have all that night, and all day Sunday to play, plus Monday and Tuesday after the market closes at 5pm. Then we leave Wednesday morning to come home. We're staying at the Bellagio, and I can't wait to see Linda Lou again!!!! She's gonna come and meet up with me on Sunday.

Then two weeks after that I go to Dallas with Deb to Jill's house!

Now, if I could just go somewhere and get a stamp on my passport....

So yeah it's been a busy week, and I've got plans all weekend as well, and then Jordan gets home Sunday evening. Oh, and Sunday is my niece Maggie's birthday, and it would have been my Dad's birthday if he was still here....

What big plans do you have for the weekend?

It's Weigh In Day!

My clothes are still safe....no casual wear harmed today!

Down 2.4 lbs this week....new total 25.9 gone forever! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!




The best part is that now I only have 49.1 lbs left to get to my goal. That is totally doable. It sure sounds better than the 75 lbs I needed to lose when I started this journey April 9th!!!

I finally believe I can do this....

In other news, look at how skinny my kid is.



He looks amazing.

Pssst hey, c'mere

Check out the Daily Fred. The link is right there --------->

Fred's getting some action in Chicago.

(If you don't know who Fred is, scroll down Jordan's blog posts to find the start of the Fred Adventures)

The Missing Puzzle Piece

My horoscope for today:

Ever been on the verge of finishing a jigsaw puzzle only to discover the last piece has gone missing? And remember how frustrating it feels to not find it after hours of searching, only to discover it a day later hiding under the sofa's dust ruffle? A small but possibly life-changing piece of your own personal puzzle will fall into place, but only when you're not hunting for it. Don't try and force this; it'll happen quite nicely on its own.

Interesting.

I thought it was worth a blog post of it's own, seeing how my whole theme here is "one puzzling piece at a time".

In other news....

I had a showing on my condo last night and I have another showing tonight! PRAY PRAY PRAY that I get an offer on this thing! My renter is moving out the end of September and I am ready to let it go. So I ask all of my readers, send some good vibes my way, will you? That one of these showings results in an offer and a contract!

Also, I am working with a new buyer, and of course Crystal's house will finally close on the 17th.

Real Estate is becoming my friend!

Wonder if that's the missing piece? Eh, I don't care what it is, as long as whatever is missing is GOOD.

At what point does one enjoy exercise?

And more importantly, has anyone ever died from it?

So I'm on the exercise kick, trying to jumpstart my metabolism and keep the weight loss going.

I got the new EA Sports thing for Wii called "Active". I will say, it's fun. It comes with the resistance band thingy, and a strap that goes around your thigh to hold the numchuck when running or doing other leg stuff. You get your own personal trainer and the exercises are really fun. I'm doing the 30 Day Challenge.

It may kill me in as little as three.

The running in place is what damn near does me in. I am NOT a runner, unless it's to the bathroom after several beers. Even running for a couple of minutes (and yes, it's running in place, which for me means around the coffee table, into the kitchen and back) results in me breathing hard.

Tonight I stayed with it, even though I thought I was going to keel over from lack of breath. Not sure if it was from the cardio or my boobs smacking me in the face as I ran.

We'll see how the next 28 days go. Wish me luck.

I dare the Wii Fit lady to tell me one more time that I've gained weight. I will wrestle that bitch into submission yet.

I can do this.

My son left for Chicago this morning. He and his best friend Ead are spending at week at my boss' condo and enjoying some "guy time" before summer is over and Ead takes off to college.

You might remember This Post from January when Jordan and his ex-girfriend went to Chicago as well. At least I didn't put him on a plane this time, now I just have to worry about him driving 6 hours and navigating the crazy ass drivers and even stupider pedestrians intense traffic in downtown Chicago. Remember, I was just there. Those people are nuts.

I gotta tell ya, this empty nest thing is not all it's cracked up to be. Jordan has hardly been home this summer. I know he still lives here because food disappears and somebody is taking showers here. But for the most part, we communicate via text message or phone call. The few nights he has slept at home (which is maybe twice a week if I'm lucky), he gets in at 3am and of course I am sleeping, waking long enough to hear him stick his head in my room, say he's home, and shut my door. Then I get up and go to work and he's in bed, and by the time I get home he's at work, and the cycle starts over.

For the most part I'm getting used to "living alone". I can eat cereal for dinner and not have to worry about cooking. I can have the TV to myself. I don't have to be quiet most mornings for fear of waking him up. Pretty much any mess in the house is mine. I am learning to sleep okay being alone in the house at night. (Thank God I have security system!)

But I miss parenting. And more importantly, I miss my son.

He doesn't need me anymore, and that is so hard to take. I feel like I got fired from a job I thought I was doing really well, and for no reason! And the worst part, is that my fears, my worries about his safety and wellbeing didn't go away with the job loss...if anything they have intensified.

I worry about him all the time. And I realize I am worrying about things that are out of my control and it's a waste of time to obsess over it.

But I do anyway.

I try not to let it show. I try to act like I'm all fine and good with him being an adult and for the most part, supporting himself. I try to remember that I have done a great job with him, that he has always been very mature for his age, and I raised him with values and principals, and taught him right from wrong.

I try to remember that he is an adult.

He can get married if he wants.

He can serve and protect our country, and carry a gun.

He can vote.

He can legally buy cigarettes. LOL

He is responsible for his own future, and if God forbid he were to get in trouble with the law or whatever, I can't fix it.

But he's my baby. And it's hard for me to see him as a man. A grown up. Ready to go off and live his life without me.

Sigh.

So here's the deal, I am going to try really hard to leave him alone this week, and let him enjoy his vacation without Mom checking in with him ten times a day. I'm going to trust him to be safe, be careful, be smart and pay attention to his surroundings. I know he's going to go to clubs and be out late, and I just have to relax and know that many of you parents who read my blog have been through the same thing, and your child(ren) survived and so did you.

I may have to sedate myself to get through the week though...send booze and Xanax will ya?

But I'm really going to try to let go, and let him stand on his own two feet.

The good news is that his sister lives like a mile away from where he will be staying so I know she can get to him if he needs something. And at least two of my blogging buddies live in Chicago, so Rita and Kathy....stay by your computers. Haha

On a brighter note, you might want to check his blog link every day (it's the one on the right about getting your Daily Fred) as I'm sure he'll be updating it with pictures and stuff like he did last trip, and of course Fred went with him. I'm guessing we'll get lots of interesting Fred pictures this trip!

Sorry, I prematurely posted!

If you see a post called "I can do this" in your reader and it disappeared, come back tomorrow. It will post again in the morning!

href="http://www.mylivesignature.com" target="_blank">

Sunday Rewind - Friday Funnies

Welcome to Sunday Rewind, or as I like to call it, the day I'm too lazy to blog. Enjoy these jokes from October and have a great day!!!

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No disrespect to my male readers but there's a little man bashing going on here this morning. It's all just for fun and you know I love you guys so don't be throwing curses out on me!

Here we go, ladies. Find one you like!!!


The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)


And the personal favorite:


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)



One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma '

And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

(Note from Julie...this used to be my mantra when married.)
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.