Wake me up when September ends.

So, it's September. Thought I'd better do an update before you guys think I fell off the face of the earth.

September is notoriously weird month for me. Usually just an emotionally crazy ten days thanks to....

Got married Sept 20, 2003
Dad died Sept 18, 2004
Got divorced Sept 28, 2005

This year we can add....

Jordan goes away to college Sept 16, 2010

Sigh.

Oh, and we're moving our offices this month, and I'm pretty much managing the whole thing, which is so time consuming and crazy I can't even tell you.

Oh, and I'm having a going away party for Jordan next Friday, the 10th. So I have to take a day off work just to clean house and prepare for it.

Big sigh.

So here is my burst of positivity....

All is perfect, everything will get done on time and as it should, and those milestone dates will come and go just like they do every year.

Mom isn't doing too good. We had her back at the ER on Monday. Honestly, I cannot believe she is still with us. She's down to 130 lbs from 165 a couple of months ago. She hardly eats, sleeps most of the time, and is becoming more confused. She has been fighting pneumonia for three weeks and of course, the continually recurring UTI. God bless her, she just isn't ready to go I guess. She says she is, and then the next day she talks about "when I get better..." so I think she's still got one foot in both worlds, you know? It breaks my heart to see her like this, but at the same time, I can't imagine a world without my Mom in it. I don't think I ever showed you guys this (although some might have seen it on Facebook). On her birthday August 20th, I videotaped her. Here's a little snippet.



And here's a picture of me and her from that day as well:

And this one makes me laugh out loud. You know she's thinking "Seriously, a party hat? Oh Christ, I guess I'll humor you." LOL

I really am afraid that I'm going to lose her this month as well. September seems to be that way for me.

But there is a bright spot in this....

I am happily dating. He's an old boyfriend from 13 and 12 years ago (yes, we dated twice two years in a row) so let's hope third time is a charm. LOL He's really a great guy, the polar opposite of who I've spent the past 10 years with. We've been moving slow this past month because I just wasn't ready to leap back in, but he convinced me otherwise last weekend. :::wink::: I'm really happy right now, and just enjoying the day to day of having someone in my life who brings such amazingly good things to it. It's good and it's easy and it's comfortable and the best part about dating someone you've dated before is that you don't have to go through the whole "getting to know you" process so there's no awkwardness or putting on pretenses etc. It's organic and fabulous! Happy sigh.

So there's your update from me. I'll probably be out of pocket quite a bit this month, because I'm not kidding when I say that work is kicking my ass. And, of course, I'm busy with That Guy Again on the weekends. Some things take priority and these days, blogging isn't one of them!!!

Tell me what's going on in your life?

What do you mean?

There are at least eight words in the Mars/Venus dictionary that can be taken two different ways. Memorize them, there will be a quiz later.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while naked.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

A picture truly is worth a thousand...OMG's.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly present to you....

The Thailand Vagina Tree.

There just really are no words.

Love, Lust and Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- When your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in what's on TV tonight

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage - You only leave the house when your spouse comes home.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Proof positive, I was indeed married.

Happy birthday to my youngest older sister!

The youngest of my three older sisters is having a birthday today.

(This is us last year at the American Idol tour)

Happy birthday, Patty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you very much and hope you have a great day!!!!!!!!!!

Happy 86th Birthday, Mom

I'm so blessed to have you here for one more. I love you with all my heart.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It's never too late to live happily ever after.

Once again, I am still swamped at work and recycling old blogs to amuse and entertain you. This one was from a year ago, and I am very happy to say that I definitely think it's never to late to live happily ever after! As some of you picked up on in my post Monday, I am "quietly dating" someone again. Will fill you in soon....

Meanwhile, enjoy this rewind from August 17, 2009. Cheers!

One of my readers commented last week and asked me what I thought about this:

At our age, is it still possible to have that "happily ever after"?

She said:

I am just 50 and have been in serious/not so serious relationships since my divorce [almost] ten years ago. I am (in my own mind and have also been told) attractive, financially stable, sweet, decent, sexy, etc. A good catch perhaps? Truthfully, I suppose that is true. I am not the helpless "I need a man" whining type. Nor, do I depend on a man to fulfill me or to "make" me happy. I have good relationships with family and friends. I like my life. Perhaps the best way of summing up my relationship potential is to state that the men I have had serious relationships are still good friends.

So ------- I hear this a lot. Do you?

- don't settle
- you deserve a man who treats you like a queen
- someone is out there who is just for you

Truly I am a realist. I am not counting on having a relationship. I am not counting on someone to grow old with. I am not counting on anything. I am merely wondering if it's even possible. I am incredibly curious about this.

At age 50 we have lived life. The men I know have lived their lives. We have scars. We have had experiences; good and bad. We have raised our children. We've lived independently for a while. With all of this:

- is it realistic to think that we can put past experience behind us and choose to love again?
- is it realistic that a man of my age would even have the desire to put me and our relationship as the focus of their life?
- are there even any men like that out there?
- do marriages happen at this age?
- is it realistic to think that good late-in-life relationships occur? work? last?

I wonder if at this time in my life I should just share sex/companionship/conversation with a man and leave it at that? Have no further expectations?

As I said before, I am happy now with life as it is but smart enough to realize that a good relationship would enhance my life. I just want to know the reality of later in life relationships; if they even exist. And if they do, what they are like.

Sincerely, Single in Cali.


Dear Single:

God, I hope it's possible. If not, I'm going to be really disappointed.

Like you, I am (or so I'm told) attractive, sweet, funny, sexy, and while I may not be rolling in the dough, I am paying the bills and able to buy the occasional Coach purse, or travel to visit my blogging buddies in other states. (Watch out, Paula. I'm looking for a passport stamp. You and Germany are next!)

And like you, I do hear the same things from my friends. I shouldn't settle for less than what I want in my next relationship. I deserve to be treated like a queen after being run over by the bus that was my ex-husband. And yes, I always hear "Mr. Right is out there, and he'll come along when you aren't looking."

Well, when do I stop looking?

What is the time limit from my last date til when I officially give up all hope? Is there a countdown clock going on somewhere that every time I go out on yet another prospective partner job interview date, it resets itself and just waits for me to give up all hope on finding that guy that I could care enough about to give 'happily ever after' one more shot?

And when I do finally give up, and accept that I may be alone for the rest of my life...how soon does Dr. Right finally drive up in his Porsche? (I'm being sarcastic...FYI)

Yes, I have baggage. My marriage wasn't always easy, and my divorce broke my heart. And thanks to the way it ended, I will probably have a really, really hard time trusting a man again. But I am willing to try.

I'm ready. And I think it is realistic to believe that there are men out there who are willing to put their own past experiences behind them and fall in love again too.

Now, that being said...I sure haven't found one yet!

But here's the thing, everybody's experiences are different. My bloggy friend CCD had a divorce every bit as horrific as mine (and more so), and she's happily in love and getting married again. But then again, another of my blogging buddies just broke up with her boyfriend who I thought she'd be with forever. I know a lot of my readers are single again and some have gone on and found great guys, and others are in our same position...wondering if there really is someone out there for us.

I don't "need" a man. But I want one really badly. I just miss everything about the concept. I miss having a partner, a best friend, a lover, a companion. I miss being special to another person.

So to answer your question, yes I think later-in-life relationships exist, and they can be very good. I have seen it happen! I try very hard to be positive about it, and in the meantime, while I wait for whoever-he-is to find his way into my life, I am doing things for ME. Taking care of myself, my health, my finances, etc. Learning to be happy with me, so that I don't ever feel like it takes a man to give me that happiness.

But don't take my word for it. My readers have tons of experience in this area. So I am asking them to let us both know their experiences with life after divorce, and relationships at this age....

Readers....do YOU believe it's still possible to have 'happily ever after' once you're past 45?

Finish the sentence. I dare you....

OK, I'll play.

Hi, my name is: Julie...Jules...Anastasia Beaverhausen...Helena Handbasket...Regis...Mom...Jewelry....depends on who's talking to me or what board I'm on!

I've never been to: Spain. But I kinda like the music...

I hate it when: I look in the mirror, expecting to see a 30'ish year old hot mama, and instead there's some old'ish woman looking back at me! Honestly, it shocks me every single time! I'm fast approaching the big FIVE OH, and my face looks every second of it. But my mind is still somewhere in my 30's! I need the two to make peace with each other!

The one person who can drive me nuts is: My ex. Just knowing he's breathing can make me insane. LOL Never in my life has anyone known every possible button to push like he does. Good news is I haven't seen him in three months. I'm much more well adjusted now!

When I'm nervous: I can't sit still. I pace. I shake my right leg. I bite at my fake nails. And my bottom lip. And I breathe really hard. (Ironically I do most of these same things during sex.) (I think.) (I can't really remember that far back.)

The last song I listened to was: "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves". Random, I know. I was scanning Sirius stations on the way into work and it was on the 70's one.

If I were to get married today my maid of honor/best man would: Nobody. I'd be at the drive thru wedding chapel in Vegas.

My hair is: As big as I can get it. I haven't outgrown the 80's mall look yet. However it keeps getting thinner as I get older, so height is becoming an issue.

When I was 5: My older sister told me that I was adopted and made me cry. Then she said "Oh for God's sake, if you were adopted we'd have sent you back by now!" And that made me cry harder. Bitch.

Last Christmas: I have no idea what happened last Christmas. Hell I can't remember last weekend.

I should be: Making millions as I type. But I'm not. Blogging doesn't pay well.

When I look down: I wonder where my feet are.

The happiest recent event was: Jordan getting accepted at UC. It's the most exciting time of his life and it makes me happy.

My current annoyance is: Lack of real estate clients. How am I supposed to pay off my bills and travel if nobody is buying/selling houses? Come on, people. I need a stimulus package of my own!

I have a hard time understanding: Euchre. I just can't grasp it. Seriously, I am not *that* stupid but that game confused the bejeezus out of me.

There's this girl that I know: Who needs to kick her husband's ass from here to Cleveland. I'll help. He is making ME never want to get married again.

The thing I want to buy is: A new face. I never thought I'd be bothered by lines and wrinkles but I'm telling you, this past year my face has driven me nuts. As one of my friends said...it's matured tremendously! LOL I'm saving for some work, I'm just telling you now. I have become *that* vain.

If you visited the place I'm from: And the police were called, they'd be dispatched to you by my BFF Cheri.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: Lotion and body spray. Yeah, something that trivial is newsworthy.

Most recent thing someone else bought me was: He brought Greek salads over and we hung out watching TV. It was a nice evening.

My middle name is: Denise. If I were a boy it would have been Denephew.

Last night I was: Clearing out my DVR and getting caught up on my favorite shows.

If I was an animal I'd be: A black bear. Let's face it, I like fur, I look good in black, and I have no problems whatsoever laying around all winter long.

Tomorrow I am: Get a pedicure after work. Yay!

Tonight I am: Going to probably see That Guy Again.

Finish the sentence...I dare you.

Is there a "y'all" at the end of hostile?

I'm swamped at work and have no time to write new blogs, so I'm rewinding back to August of last year and reposting this one for your amusement:

So the other day I did a blog post about Paula Deen being President. One of my long time readers from Georgia (you know who you are, but to protect you in this instance I won't mention names) sent it to me via email because she knows my love of ATP (All Things Paula).

Like many emails I get, I blogged about it. There was no link or reference in the email that stated it had previously been posted on another blog, or I'd have given credit where credit is due. Nor did it seem to make sense to preface the post with "Hey, my friend Susie got this from her friend Sally who forwarded it from Debbie who forwarded it from Kathy who got it from Kelly....blah blah blah". It was an email, for heaven's sake. We all get many joke emails a day. Do you know the origination of every one that you get?

Then I received a comment on the post from a person who owns a blog saying I was stealing from her and violating her copyright, etc.

I wrote to this person and apologized and said that I had received it in an email, thought it was funny and blogged about it. (For the record, while it was amusing, it needed tweaking, so I added my own comments to the end of it as well.) I offered to link back to their site, or remove it entirely.

Frankly, I was thinking to myself, you might wanna take me up on the link back offer. Nobody should turn down free advertising!

The response I received was rather surprising. It started out with "Greetings" then quickly turned to calling me a liar about how I received the information (that it did not come via email but rather I went to the site and stole it), continued with accusing me of taking credit for work that wasn't mine (which I never did) and ended with veiled threats of being sued for claiming something as my own that isn't.

Wow. Hostile!

I really didn't mean to piss anybody off with it. I just thought it was a mildly cute thing to post. Funny thing is, if someone posted one of my blogs on their site, I'd have been flattered that they thought it was entertaining enough to use, and would have simply written them an email saying "Hey, that's my original post, please make sure you say that on your blog or link back to me."

(Except for that time when the Bike Smut guys posted part of my discussion with the exercise bike. To their credit, they did link back to me, but unfortunately I really didn't want my blog being associated with bicycle porn! I send them a nice email asking them to remove it and they did.)

Getting all whipped up about an honest mistake really isn't necessary. Especially when this could have been turned into an advantage for the other blogger. I have lots of followers and tons of daily readers who probably would have gotten a kick out of his/her blog, if I'd linked to it instead of deleting the post altogether.

Funny thing is, in looking at his/her site, they put a link at the end of every post that says "E-Mail To A Friend". So I'm thinking to myself...if you don't want people emailing your blog posts to others, thus opening yourself up for it being copied elsewhere....you might want to remove that link!

And I have to wonder....does the owner of that site have written permission from Paula Deen to use an image of her and draw a mustache on it, as her blog header?? Or from Racheal Ray who has horns drawn on her head? I see numerous pictures in their blog posts that have clearly been taken from other sources. C'mon, who thinks this blogger is Paula Deen's personal photographer? So wouldn't using someone else's photographs on your blog (especially stock photos such as the ones in the header which can be found all over the web) be stealing as well? Isn't that just what he/she accused me of doing?

And then I saw it.

The link asking for Paypal donations to help with the web hosting fees on this site. LOL...that's the funniest thing I've ever seen!!!! Hell, who knew it was appropriate to solicit your readers for money to keep your blog online? I average 7,000 blog hits a month. If you'd all send me a dollar every time you visit my blog, I can quit my job and do this for a living!!!! My blog would be SO MUCH MORE FUN if you guys would just support me financially while I write it.

I'm still laughing at that. It takes some pretty big cajones to ask your readers to "donate" to your blog. Wow. Seriously, who does that? And would you even read a blog that did??

So anyway....I have removed the infamous Paula Deen post from my blog.

If you want to read more, the link to that site is....oh wait, I don't want to get sued for posting the blog address without permission. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Maggie and Pappy birthdays....for the 29th year in a row.

So on this day, I usually post something like THIS to wish my Dad and my niece Maggie a happy birthday.

This year, Dad would have been 87 today, and Maggie is 29. Gasp! Twenty nine? How is that possible???

Maggie always had birthday cakes that said "Happy Birthday, Maggie and Pappy" and my Dad loved sharing his birthday with her.

Ah, those were the days. Dad loved all his grandchildren, but I think he and Maggie were especially close. He never enjoyed birthdays so much as he did after she was born on his.

The birthday girl had a dinner party last night and being the true princess that she is, she wore her crown:

If Daddy had been there, he'd have worn one right along with her.

Happy birthday, Dad. I love you and miss you every single day. Make Linda buy you a beer today.

And happy birthday, Maggie. I'm so proud of you, you are such a beautiful woman in every way....and I couldn't love you more if you were my daughter instead of my niece.

Party on, rock stars.

If time flies, when do I start having fun?

Look at the count down up at the top on the right..

My son *thinks* he's moving out in 40 days.

He doesn't realize I'm grounding him to his room til he's 30. LOL

40 days. 40 days are all I have left of my Mom Job. Now, I realize my parenting doesn't end when he moves out. But in a way it does. Things change. I won't know where he is and what he's doing and who he's doing it with all the time anymore.

(Humor me, I realize I only *think* I've known these things the past few years, but just go with me on this, ok?)

Chances are he's never going to move back home. Oh sure, he'll throw me a bone and come home on holidays and in the summertime (maybe...he's already considering staying in Cincinnati during the summer)....but more than likely after graduation he may not even come back to Columbus, or stay in Ohio.

So 40 more days are all I have until my life changes as much as his does.

If nineteen years have flown by this fast, 40 days will be over in the blink of an eye.

I'm not ready.

I need a wine IV. Stat.

You're never too old to hold Mommy's hand....

Mom and I sat and talked yesterday during our visit, and she had reached out and grabbed my hand like this. We sat for the longest time, holding hands and I just listened while she talked about my Dad, and my sister Linda, and her sister....all those who are in heaven waiting on her.

I kept looking down at our hands, and thought about being a little girl and holding Mommy's hand.

I remembered being in the hospital when I was really young, maybe 5 or 6, and my mom sitting beside me on the hospital bed, my little hand in hers, and assuring me I would be fine, and she and Daddy weren't going anywhere.

I remembered being 13 years old and trying out for cheerleader and not making the team, and crying my eyes out, and Mom holding both my hands in hers and telling me that it was okay, I could try again next year.

I remembered her standing by my hospital bed the day I had Jordan, and as I held my son, my mom held his little hand and mine, and said how proud of me she was, and that she knew I would be a wonderful mother.

I remembered the day I woke my Mom up eight years ago to show her my engagement ring, and she held my hand tightly and said "I'm so happy for you. My prayers have been answered."

Holding her hand yesterday reminded me of so many wonderful things about my Mom. Things I will cherish for the rest of my life.

And this picture will always remind me how much love I've felt my entire life...holding Mommy's hand.

Clearly, not my calling.

No fears of me changing careers anytime soon.


Happy weekend!!

I will never, ever, ever.....

....be able to watch Sponge Bob again.

Thanks, lady.

Now that's funny.

Mixing it up

Decided to go red for tonight's Parade Preview Party. I feel more like me!




Looking forward to a fun night with friends!!

Have a great weekend!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I'm too old for this.

I am beat.

I've been helping with two whole house installs since last Thursday, and believe me when I tell you, I'm too damn old to work 16 hour days.

Amazingly though, my back held out and I can still walk upright. Go figure.

Our Parade of Homes house is incredible. I'm so proud of my boss and the design work he did there. I will post pictures after it opens this weekend.

Mom is getting pretty quiet now, doesn't talk a whole lot, although she has "up" days but they seem to be winding down. A month or two ago she weighed 160 lbs, and she's down to 135. Pretty much all she does is sleep, gets up for meals and has a few bites and then goes right back down. She does try to get up for bingo once a week (she was commonly referred to as Bingo Betty as I was growing up thanks to her major gambling habit of 7 days a week bingo. So naturally that inclination will be the last thing to go!) but other than that, she's just in bed.

What's new with you?

Don't expect much and you won't be disappointed.

While that is my motto when it comes to Internet dating....it's also my advice when it comes to my blog right now.

I won't be around the blog world much for the next week. We have two major installations going on at work, and I'll probably be pulling 12 hour days for the next five to six days. In a related note, to my readers living in the Columbus area...if you are interested in volunteering to man our Parade of Homes house in New Albany, we'd love to have you! Even if it's just for a couple of hours, all you have to do is stand there and look pretty and welcome people who come in. Email me or leave me a comment here if you're interested. Here's a link to our house.

Oh yeah, and I'm getting this nasty ass cold that everybody else seems to have. Lovely.

By the way, as for the Mom Situation....

She is, I guess, stable right now. (As stable as a Reeg woman gets. Oh, snap!) She has good days and bad, she fluctuates between asking why God won't take her, refusing to eat, drink or take her meds, and then being perfectly fine and happy the next day. It's a roller coaster. She has very little urine output, so whether that's a sign of her kidneys failing or just dehydration, I don't know. (I'm guessing one leads to the other) She is on and off oxygen all day long. She doesn't have a lot of appetite when she does eat, maybe four or five bites in a "meal". But she is hanging in there. I don't know why or how, but it's not up to me to question it.

Anyway....be back next Wednesday. Let's just pray this cold doesn't hit me full force, or it's gonna be a looooooooooooooooooooooooooong five days.

Love my new iPhone 4

Not sure about hi def photos though!

Why Women Are Crabby

Hey, I don't write the stuff but I agree with it!

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod pushed up your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John . Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while theOBsays, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: 'Menopause', the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex'? Yeah right. Bite me.

Exercise, Cats and Burlesque

So, my buddy Jill from NY finally took me up on my offer to guest blog for me. She's a virgin at this folks, but something tells me she needs to start her own blog and soon! So please welcome Jill to the 47 Stage and leave her lots of comments!!!!

Well after being sedentary for &$#@ years, I decided it was time to get my butt of the couch and get in shape.

I was trying to beat a bout of depression, so I found "Exercise On Demand" on my digital cable. Who knew this existed?

(Yeah,I know, where the hell have I have been?)

I decided to start small. I did some abdominals, which was a nice and short 15 minute session, and also some leg exercises. I rock at this.

Now you may be wondering where the cat comes in...

Well, my cat decides that she is going to lay on the floor right next to me while I am sweating to the oldies working my abs, which makes it harder for me to move. Being the typical lazy cat, she just lays there gazing at me with that look of "Mommy, rub my belly, my abs need exercise too!".

Unfortunately for her, I just moved over a little on the floor (God forbid you disturb the cat!!) and got on with my session (torture).

Meanwhile I did drink alot of water, so chalk one up for me!!

Then I started browsing through the menu and found a Hip Hop one so I did that which was so much fun and only 20 minutes long. All in all, I ended up doing two 15 minute sessions and the 20 minute hip hop one, not bad for my first day.

(Note from Julie....Hip hop? I'd have killed to have seen that!)

Anybody want to volunteer to come get me out of bed tomorrow morning???? Anyone???

So on with the burlesque....

It seems there is also burlesque (stripper?) exercising On Demand. Seriously, who knew? (OK people I've led a sheltered life, cut me some slack here.) I had more fun watching than doing.....it was mesmerizing to say the least. The woman was a blonde bombshell (what else do you expect on a stripper video?) and she had a figure to die for. She even used a boa and did a little dry humping with it....yeah I am not kidding.

So, I'm thinking, since poor Julie is having a tough time with her various crises and stress...maybe she should try stripper exercising!! Is there an On Demand option on her blog?

(Note from Julie....hell no.)

No really, it's true.

What do these men have in common?

That's right.

They've all hit on me via an online dating site. They got together for a group shot.

Can I be any luckier?

What can I say?

Man, my blog sure has become a downer this past few weeks, hasn't it? Hell it depresses ME to write it, you guys must be ready to avoid me like the plague!

I just don't have much to say. I don't feel very funny these days.

Mom, for the most part, is about the same. She has good days and bad, ups and downs. Most of the time she doesn't want to get out of bed, and that's okay. We aren't going to make her get up if she doesn't want to.

I talked with her quite a bit on Monday about dying. She said she doesn't understand why she's still here....she's ready to go. She said "I know you'll be happy...." and I said "Mom! We won't be happy that you are gone!" and she said "No, I mean I know you'll be happy that I'm with Dad and Linda." Well yes, that will give us comfort. She's been missing them both for so long.

I told her that knowing that she's with them, and that she's "her" again, meaning she's up and walking and laughing and talking and with the people she loves and misses, and above all is healthy and happy....that will get me through the hard days. And that I know she'll be watching out for me, and for Jordan, and the rest of my family. I tried not to cry during that conversation, but it didn't work. Tears rolled down my face, and she just patted my hand and smiled and said "I'm ready to go", and I nodded through my tears and said "I know you are, Mom, and that's okay."

She just wants to go. And there is nothing I can do to help make that happen. I've asked God a hundred times to grant her wish, but He doesn't seem to be listening. And in a way it feels really crappy to be saying "Hey God, take my Mom, will ya?"

I don't want her to go, but I do. Does that make sense? Am I an awful daughter for feeling that way?  I know I'm not....I really do.  I know this is a normal feeling in a situation like this.  But it sure feels crappy.

Quick, somebody tell me something funny.  We need to lighten this place up.

This is crazy

Well Mom is not on hospice after all because the doctor who told us she had a few days to two weeks to live now says he didn't say that.

Seriously.

Like we just made this shit up?

So with no definitive diagnosis that says she will be dead within six months, hospice can't take her and she's just under nursing home care.

We are happy about that, don't get me wrong. Happy that we may have her longer, and she does seem better, but the roller coaster of emotions has been ridiculous.

I'm afraid to even hope for the best.

No news is good news, I guess.

Nothing new to report on the Mom Situation today.

She is officially under hospice care as of today. We had a little bit of a hold up at the nursing home waiting on her doctor there to come in and "approve" it. Unfortunately he was in no hurry to do so until my sister went ballistic had a few words with the Director of Nursing today. They got right on it, and Dr. Fucktard miraculously decided he didn't need to take time out of his day to come and see her after all, he just approved it.

I know we all feel better knowing they will be taking care of her now. She's still eating a little bit (but requires a lot of encouragement from us and the staff to do so), and her only complaint is that she wants "that damn catheter" out. So we'll see what the hospice nurse says about that.

At this point we are just taking it day by day, nothing else we can do. I have a constant feeling in the pit of my stomach that won't go away (I think they call that dread), and every time the phone rings I take a deep breath before answering, knowing that at any time the call is going to come that she's taken that final turn for the worse.

I don't know, she may surprise us all. We had her down for the count last September and she rallied back and is still here nine months later. You never know with her, hell she might outlive us all.

I probably won't do much posting over the weekend, so I wish you all a very happy July 4th. Be safe out there.