I just don't have much to say. I don't feel very funny these days.
Mom, for the most part, is about the same. She has good days and bad, ups and downs. Most of the time she doesn't want to get out of bed, and that's okay. We aren't going to make her get up if she doesn't want to.
I talked with her quite a bit on Monday about dying. She said she doesn't understand why she's still here....she's ready to go. She said "I know you'll be happy...." and I said "Mom! We won't be happy that you are gone!" and she said "No, I mean I know you'll be happy that I'm with Dad and Linda." Well yes, that will give us comfort. She's been missing them both for so long.
I told her that knowing that she's with them, and that she's "her" again, meaning she's up and walking and laughing and talking and with the people she loves and misses, and above all is healthy and happy....that will get me through the hard days. And that I know she'll be watching out for me, and for Jordan, and the rest of my family. I tried not to cry during that conversation, but it didn't work. Tears rolled down my face, and she just patted my hand and smiled and said "I'm ready to go", and I nodded through my tears and said "I know you are, Mom, and that's okay."
She just wants to go. And there is nothing I can do to help make that happen. I've asked God a hundred times to grant her wish, but He doesn't seem to be listening. And in a way it feels really crappy to be saying "Hey God, take my Mom, will ya?"
I don't want her to go, but I do. Does that make sense? Am I an awful daughter for feeling that way? I know I'm not....I really do. I know this is a normal feeling in a situation like this. But it sure feels crappy.
Quick, somebody tell me something funny. We need to lighten this place up.
17 comments:
well I got nothing for funny but it sure does suck to watch loved ones decline.
(((HUGS)))
Nothing funny here either. Just wanted to let you know ... ah, there really aren't any words, are there? Just, my heart aches for you.
And no, it's NOT boring or whatever to come here to your blog and hear what you have to say about it all. Just the opposite, in fact. I feel honored that you share your thoughts and feelings and struggles.
I'm glad you and your mother can talk about this stuff, too. I think being able to say all the things is a huge part of really being able to say good-bye. Doesn't make it hurt any less, of course.
Sorry ... I said there are no words and now I've said too many of them. This is why I lurk instead of commenting: I don't know how to shut up. But I just felt moved to let you know I'm here, and listening.
I am wracking my brain to think of something funny but i cant, i guess that is why i dont have a blog, LOL.....
and my heart aches for you too. I didnt have the opportunity to have that conversation with my mom and she wasnt in her right mind anyway because of the cancer. But i wish i had cuz now i have to wait a long time to talk to her again (I hope).
on a somewhat funny note, i have made the step into online dating...and it is as funny as you all have said...makes me shake my head!!
love ya!!
Jill from NY
I've got nothing funny either boo. But I did want to tell you that none of this is boring to us. The people who read your blog on a daily basis care about you and hate to hear that you're hurting, that you have to go through this!
I felt the same way when my Mom was sick, before she passed. The only comfort was knowing how much she was looking forward to being with my little sister again!
I wish there was something I could do to help, or hell...at least had something funny to say to distract you!
Hugs boo!
Gosh I wish the best for your Mom...I really do...It is such a shame they let humans suffer like that...I am so sorry... You are not a terrible daughter...You are caring and loving and want your Mom to be happy again...It takes real strength and love to let someone go! So I wish you much strength to get through this...
You are SO not wrong to pray for this. I watched my mother go through this with her own mother and there aren't words to describe how I dread one day going through this with her.
As long as she's not suffering and she can at least communicate with you ... there's something to be said for that, ready or not.
In an attempt at funny (maybe they'll at least make you smile):
*Two peanuts were walking down an alley. One of them was a salted.
*Hamburger walks in a bar. Bartended says: "Hey, we don't serve food here!"
*Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was AMAZING. :-)
You are not an awful daughter!!!! I completely with all of my heart understand how you feel. The night before my mom passed I sat in her bed rubbing her feet (they were so swollen) and I remember thinking how much happier she would be if she could be up walking, talking, laughing again. I envisioned her running straight into her daddy's arms because she missed him so much.
It's not a crime to want them to go when you know without a doubt they are ready to go. And clearly she's ready.
My love and heart is with you all.
My only advice is say it all right now before it's too late. HUGS
Mom will go in her time. You will face it and handle it. You are a strong lady. Now let me try a funny:
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.?
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four ... "
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."
You are on facebook with me, go look at my son's wedding pictures they might make you smile. They had a wedding pie instead of a wedding cake but everybody still lined up to get pictures as they were cutting it. I heard my son say, count all the cameras, one, two, three....
You aren't a bad daughter and I come to read because I care.
Cassie
Had to read a few posts to get caught up. I'm sorry to hear you have been having a hard time. It is so so hard to watch someone we love in ill health. Sending hugs.
Do you think it's funny that my 6 yr. old son is obsessed with my boobs? He always wants to touch them and it's driving me nuts. I think now he does it now just because I start freaking out. He laughs and I don't.
Hang in there!
I think it's beautiful that you and your mom had that conversation. I would like to have had it with my mom 30 years ago, but neither of us knew how, and also she was a little confused because of meds. It's hard to handle the ambiguity of waiting for death but still being alive and even having some good days...it really plays with your emotions. Enjoy the good moments; you're doing the right thing.
I know it is hard. I am so glad you both had "that conversation". There is a reason she has not gone yet..there is still something left to be said or felt or discovered. Hang in there dear one. HUGS to you...
You are a sweet, loving daughter who wants her mom to stop hurting. And who wants to end the anxious waiting. I want that for you, too.
Here's my favorite joke:
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
.
.
.
Right where you left him!
Again, dear friend, hugs to you. I dread having that conversation with my mother, but my father died suddenly and I really don't know what's worse. It has to be so hard.
Oh Julie, I know exactely how you feel!! You are feeling like you should and I felt the same way! Please post about your mom and your feelings anytime you want. That's what this is all about!!
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