So far, so good. 49 is a winner!

My birthday was really great yesterday. Thank you for all of your good wishes and thoughts. And your many "fuck beige" comments. LOL

I had a cazillion birthday comments on Facebook, that was fun. Who knew I had so many friends? Some of which I don't even know?

And my son, who we all know is The Best Kid Ever, sent me these:

Then, if that wasn't enough, he organized a surprise party for me at one of my favorite restaurants with my sisters and some very dear friends. AND he bought my dinner AND made me drink two glasses of wine in the process. LOL

This whole thing with him being an adult and having his own income is working out really well for me now! Thanks, buddy, for taking care of your momma and giving her a wonderful birthday. I did something right in raising you!

And then the topper to my birthday though, was to get the news from my dear friend Sue (you might remember her story in this post) that she is able to have the surgery she needs to keep the liver cancer at bay and give her some very precious time with her family. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your prayers and collective good thoughts for her. It worked!!!!!

So far, 49 is starting out really well. Wouldn't it be great if that was the worst day I'll have this year? That's something to hope for, isn't it?

49 And Beige? Oh, I don't think so!

It's official.

I'm 49 today.

Or as I prefer to think of it....thirty nineteen.

Funny to think it's been almost two years already that I started this blog.

Way back when I was 47 and starting over.

Starting over from a very painful divorce.

Starting over as a shark bait (yes, I'm channeling my inner Jimmy Buffet...)

Can't you feel 'em circlin' honey?
Can't you feel 'em swimmin' around?
You got fins to the left, fins to the right,
And you're the only bait in town.

The dating pool was a little scary, the few times I dipped my toe into it over the past few years. Part of that has been my fault, for as much as I've bitched about not meeting the kind of guy I'm looking for, truth is that I haven't been all that attentive when I have. 

Maybe that really isn't my priority after all.

Maybe I'm just looking for excitement in all the wrong places.

I've been talking with one of my friends recently about our lives, and how so often we feel "beige". Not unhappy, not happy. Just....beige.

I don't want to live life as a neutral shade during this second half of mine.

I want to be a vibrant color!

I want to be red! Or hot pink!

And that's my goal for my 49th year. (OK technically I think today starts my 50th year doesn't it? Ugh that hurt just typing it!)

I'm not going to be 49 and Beige.

I REFUSE.

I'm ready to find what makes me tick. What I'm passionate about. Figure out what brings me joy and fills me with light.  (Aside from my kid, that goes without saying that he has been the single best thing about my 48 years of life, or at least the last 19 of them)

I'm ready to wake up every day with an abundance of great things to choose from, to finally create the life I've been "waiting" for all this time..

Yes, waiting.

I feel like I've spent 48 years waiting for an exciting life to start. 

Well guess what, folks.

It starts today.

I'm not 49 and Beige. I never will be, dammit.

I'm 49 and I'm fucking RED HOT.

My future's so bright we all need Gucci shades.

Thanks for being along on this ride with me the past couple of years. Stay tuned, because this year I plan to have lots of new and exciting things to tell you.

Fuck beige.

Finally....

Got the Monte up and running after 5 years of having the engine torn apart.

Man, I've missed it.




Isn't she sweet? Wish I'd gotten her in the divorce!!!!

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I need your collective good thoughts.

You guys know I'm not often "serious" on my blog.

But today, I'm going to ask you for your collective good thoughts and prayers.

It's not for me, but for one of my closest and oldest friends, Sue. We've been thisclose for 30 years now, and have been through it ALL together.

And believe me when I say "all", I mean all! Oh, the stories I could tell....the blackmail we have on each other.

Anyway....

Seven years ago, she was diagnosed with liver cancer. And for those seven years now, it's been "inactive", I guess that's the best way to describe it. No tumor growths, nothing to be too overwhelmed about. She's always known it was there, but as long as tumor markers and tests came back okay, she went on with her life like nothing was wrong.

Now it's become active.

Without putting too much of her personal information on here, the bottom line is that she *may* be approved for a surgery that could keep this at bay for another five years. The hope is that it buys her more time for our amazing cancer researchers to find a cure. She's had all the testing, and she finds out Monday if she is a surgery candidate or not.

So I am asking all 411 of my followers to say a collective prayer for her this weekend. Put those good thoughts out in the Universe that she is able to have this surgery, and buy herself and her family some very precious time.

We vowed many years ago to grow old together, and be hitting on old men in the nursing home after we've outlived our husbands.

I fully intend to hold her to this.

I'm not uber religious but I do believe in the power of prayer. And that our thoughts become actions and deeds. So please keep her in your thoughts this weekend, and let's make this surgery happen.

Thanks, you guys. I have the best followers ever.

Haven't had any of these for awhile....

From my favorite website, Texts From Last Night

(816): They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze

(925): While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

(732): i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

(832): The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

(760): You did not just play the dead husband card again.

(215): How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

(201): I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.

(614): When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

(310): based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

(610): At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
(856): Right after we had the just friends talk..

(760): so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

(610): Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic or senior citizen of the year?
(1-610): I'm so glad i pay social security

(951): So I just googled the ten commandments... We’re fucked.

(641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

(678): How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?

(417): My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

(714): Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

(727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camouflage to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

(714): I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.

(703): just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.

(336): I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead

(484): I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar

And my personal favorite....

(518): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Oh Canada! LOL

Thanks, dickwad.

$307.33 to fix the dent some asshole left in my car.

I hope whoever (s)he is, that karma is a far bigger bitch than I ever could be, and pays them back tenfold.

You know, like blowing up the engine in *their* new car.  Or at the very least, allowing some small child who's mommy lets them take the shopping cart to the corral, ram into the side of it and leave a nice mark like what happened to mine.

(I don't know this for a fact but it's too low to be a door ding, so something had to be rammed into it, and since I was only at the grocery store and the nursing home Sunday, I'm guessing it wasn't dear old Mrs. Smith and her walker.).

Seriously, do you know what I could do with that $300?  I sure as shit wasn't planning to donate it to my friendly neighborhood body shop!

Sigh.

Oh well. Deep breath. Relax. Stop making the voodoo doll....

It's only money.

I. Am. Pissed.

Some asshole hit my new car this weekend.

Why do people do that? Damage your car and then take off and not bother to be accountable for it?

Now it will probably cost me several hundred dollars to fix it and it's not even my fault.

Arrrrgh. Fuckers.

In other news...

I got some cool shoes this weekend. Coach tennis shoes. Check 'em out. On sale at Nordstrom's for $69. (Regularly $110 or something)

I have a black Coach purse that matches. Coincedence? I think not.

Some days you've just got to say....hell with it.

This is one of those days.

Happy Friday!

It's official. I have now seen it all.

I thought the woman who squirted breast milk at a police officer was a little whack, but oh no.....this one beats them all.

Man Marries His Pillow (Courtesy of Perez Hilton's website)

Yes, you read that right!

Lee Jin-gyu married his pillow adorned with an image of Fate Testarossa, an anime character.

He organized a special ceremony complete with a local priest and a wedding dress for the pillow. The local media also covered the story. A friend of his says:

"He is completely obsessed with this pillow and takes it everywhere. They go out to the park or the funfair where it will go on all the rides with him. Then when he goes out to eat he takes it with him and it gets its own seat and its own meal."

How very Lars and the Real Girl of him — sounds like he's got some issues!

Issues? ISSUES? The man is in a committed relationship with his PILLOW.

Issues does not even begin to describe his lack of mental stability.

Do you suppose they'll have babies?

Toss pillows? Bolsters?

This is a "must see".

It's no secret how incredibly proud I am of my kid.

(He's the cutie on the right, in case my newbies don't know who he is yet!)

Best. Kid. Ever.

He just updated his blog and I want you guys to see him.

He's lost 90 lbs. now.

I now have 2/3rds of the kid I used to. LOL

So very proud of him.

CLICK HERE

Now, if I could just get him to use spell check when blogging. LOL

Bear with me for a couple of weeks, will ya?

I'm adding the comment verification word thingy here in an effort to get rid of all the spammy comments I'm getting.

I know, I know....

I *hate* the word verification crap too.

I have exited out of my own comments on other blogs because of it, so I know how annoying it is.

I promise it won't be for more than a couple of weeks, until the idiots stop spamming me.

At least I don't have to block my anonymi friends. I love you guys!

I'm getting annoyed which is never a good thing

I'm getting a lot of comments recently.

Just none I will publish.

They are all anonymous and either written in some ridiculous language or are advertisements for something or some other bullshit.

What's with the rash of these things all of a sudden?

I'm contemplating no longer allowing anonymous comments, at least for awhile until the spammers take me off their lists.

Unfortunately, I have a few people who do comment anonymously like my friends Jill, Cassie, "E", Cheri, and some others. I hate to prohibit you guys from leaving me comments but I don't know what else to do at this point.

I can ignore the spam but every time I reject one it pisses me off.

I know Chrissy's blog got hacked last week and I wonder if that's how?

Anyone got any ideas on how to fix this?

400 people love me, weight loss and "who" is exercising????

Yay!  I have 400 followers!!!!!!!!!!  Thank you to my six new peeps....I will try to keep your attention and make following me worth your while!

In other news....

I'm firmly back on Weight Watchers! Yay! As you know last year between April and October I lost 35 lbs, but I'm sad to report that once the holidays hit I fell off the wagon BIG TIME.

Gained back 8 of it. Mooooooooooooooooooo.

I have dicked around since January, half assed on plan during the week and then inhaling everything in sight on weekends.

Stella could not get her groove back to save her life.

But I'm happy to say that I officially restarted on March 1st...and get this....

I'm even exercising!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, right? Who said that????

Yep, I joined Jazzercise.

I'm *that* old.

Let me tell you, I had no idea how out of shape I was til I was in class, and the other little old chubby ladies were kicking my ass.

It was humbling to say the least.

But I've discovered I enjoy going, and working up a sweat for an hour, and it's motivated me to stay on plan every day, and I've lost 2 lbs this week already. YAY ME!

Only six more to go to get back to where I left off in early November.

And then only 40 more to go to get to my goal weight.

Clearly I'm not going to be the hot mama I planned to be come March 22nd when I turn 49...but at least I'll be back on my way to becoming her!

Happy Friday!  What's your big plans for the weekend?

I just need six volunteers....hands up please!

I have 394 followers.

That's right, 394 of you have, in a moment of insanity, wanted to read more so you clicked that little button on the right.

(((Insert Evil Laugh Here)))

Boy, do I have you guys fooled into thinking I'm worth coming back for!

But I figure since I have convinced 394 of you to do so, I can surely get six more to do the same.

Who's gonna be the magic 400th follower?

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh....

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

I didn't mean to break your heart....

I have a new favorite song.

It's called 'Break Your Heart' and it's by Barenaked Ladies. (I guess it's an old song of theirs, but I just found it. I'm not a big BNL fan but Elizabeth turned me on to it.)

It's basically about staying too long in a relationship and not having the balls to say "This isn't working" and move on because you don't want to hurt the other person.

But maybe the other person will be okay because they'd rather have you end it than continuing wasting their time.

I really identify with this song in many ways.

One part in particular says...

The weakest thing I've ever done was to stay right by your side
Just like this time, and every time

I'm about ready to have that phrase tattooed on my body right above my "Faith" tattoo to remind me that I am stronger than that now.

Anyway, without further ado, I give you my new favorite song. Words to follow, in case you don't have time to listen to it.



The bravest thing I've ever done
Was to run away and hide
But not this time, not this time
And the weakest thing I've ever done
Was to stay right by your side
Just like this time, and every time
I couldn't tell you I was happy when you were gone
So I lied and said that I missed you when we were apart.
I couldn't tell you, so I had to lead you on
But I didn't mean to break your heart.

And if I always seem distracted
Like my mind is somewhere else,
That's because it's true
Yes it's true
it's this stupid pride that makes me feel
Like I have to follow through
Even half-assedly, loving you
Why must I always speak in terms of cowardice?
When I guess I should have just come out and told you right from the start
Why must I always tell you what I want is this?
I guess cause I wouldn't want to break your heart

And you said;
"What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Curl up and die just because of you?
I'm not that weak, you know
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Try to make you love me as much as I love you?
how could you be so low?
You arrogant man,
What do you think that I am?
My heart will be fine
Just stop wasting my time"

And now I'm over you, I'll be ok
And that i've got what I want
And that's rid of you
Bye
And it's not cause I'll be missing you
That makes me fall apart
it's just that I didn't mean to break
Your heart

New rules for cussing at work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your fucking ass.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.


Thank You,
Human Resources

What does this mean?

So last night I dreamed that my ex was out of town (which, he happens to be right now) and he sent me down to his house for something.

And when I got there, the front door was cracked open.

So I called him and said "Somebody has broken into your house! The door is open!"

And he said "Go in and see who it is."

Seriously!

Thanks for being concerned about my welfare, dude.

So instead I went around to the back and peeked in a window.

And then I saw him.

Well, her.

Yes, a drag queen had broken in and was sitting in the living room.

She was really pretty.

Not my favorite drag queen though (that's Shannel, and I will be posting about my total crush on her soon).

What?  Come on, you cannot possibly be surprised that I have a favorite drag queen!  Doesn't everyone?

Anyway, it wasn't Shannel.  This was someone else. You know how in dreams, faces are foggy but you just know who they are? I don't know exactly who she was, just that she was a really beautiful man in drag woman.

So I asked what she was doing there and she said she overheard me talking to my ex and knew he was out of town, so she was there borrowing a few things.

(Note: My ex doesn't have a supply of hooker heels, feather boas or sequined outfits in his closet....that I know of.)

So I called the Ex back and said "You're in luck, it's a woman. And you're really lucky she has a dick or I'd be kicking your ass right about now."

Weird.

This tells me one thing.

I need to stop drinking wine and watching RuPaul's Drag Race before bed.

If you marry an Ohio girl....

Three friends married women from different parts of the Midwest.

The first man married a woman from Indiana. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the the
third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put
away.

The second man married a woman from Michigan He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.  The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ohio. He ordered her to keep the house  cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.


This blog post has been brought to you by Dr. Penny's Email.

I think I'll take up fishing.

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "Fuck or drown".

I love my new tattoo

And I think Linda would love it as well.

These were taken a couple of hours after it was done, so it's still kind of red and swollen.

Here's a close up picture of it. Notice the detail in the dragonfly. It looks like stained glass. (If you click on the picture it will open up a bigger one.)

Here's what it looks like on my back.

I really love it. And not only does it honor my sister, but since Jordan has the same wording on his arm, it's something my son and I have together as well.

Tattoos are addicting. There's an odd thrill I get when I hear the tattoo machine start to hum. Of course it's not the most comfortable thing in the world, and after awhile it gets downright painful! I liken it to labor and childbirth....it sure doesn't feel good when it's happening but the end result is something you will love for life! And once you see it, you forget the pain.

Until the next one.

And then as it starts, you remember and think "Why am I doing this again?" LOL

Too bad tattoo artists can't give epidurals.

Oh well...it's worth it! It's art, and this one means the world to me.

In Loving Memory

Linda Kay (Reeg) Greissinger

January 7, 1950 to February 18, 2004

If we could have a conversation today, it would go something like this:

Linda: Jewel, why are you so sad?

Me: Well, because you're in heaven, and not here. Duhhhhh.

Linda: Well if I were there, you know what I'd do to cheer you up...

Me: Oh hell no. You are NOT still doing that up there, are you?

Linda: Yes I am!

Me: (((groans loudly))))

Linda begins to sing...badly.   The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun....

Me: No, stop! LOL  :::::holding my ears::::

Linda: (((at full volume)))  Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow! You're always a day away!!!!!

Me:   Sweet Jesus, I thought you people up in heaven had angelic voices???  I see some things never change!

It's been six years today since you had to leave us, and yet sometimes it feels like just yesterday you sang that song to me every time I was having a bad day.  But then it feels like forever ago that I sang it as I eulogized you, because we were all having a really bad day.  And I knew you were watching, and laughing at my bad singing voice, and smiling because you couldn't believe I had to balls to even do it.

I could not possibly love or miss you more.

Love, your baby sister.