I'm not a doctor but I play one in Blogland.

It's time for a little friendly Q & A regarding our health in 2010 from Dr. Chinese Guy.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste it on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better – everything cow eats in one convenient package!

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take water out of the fruity stuff so you get even more goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. All people who don’t drink unhappy – happy people live longer so drink more. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than lying on couch. My philosophy is:   No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: What about food additives?
A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added – must be better – like fuel additive!

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whales to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Let me look under your hood, baby.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

Baby, it's cold outside.

Good morning, campers. Welcome to snowy Columbus Ohio!



I don't know about you guys but I'm over the snow already. My house is surrounded by icicles.


It's really kind of nuts.

I'd rather be here;



Or here:



At the very least, here:


(That's in Vegas, by the way)

But I'm not. So I guess I'll make the best of it with a tropical drink while curled up on the couch with a Snuggly and the remote.

Happy Saturday! What's the weather like in your part of the world?

By the way, this post was brought to you by BlogPress from my iPhone. How fun!

This is happening in our country right now!!!!

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection.well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:

WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities..

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am posting this in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

Sixty and Sensational

That is what my sister Linda would have been today.

Sixty....(she'd have not been happy that I was blogging her age!) and sensational, which she was all of her life.

She was so many things in addition to that. She loved life and everything about it.

She loved her family...

(Yes, that's me with really red hair!)

She loved our beach vacations...

(This is probably the ONLY time you will see me in a bathing suit!)

She loved her nieces and nephews, especially when us girls would do stupid things like put fake tattoos on our ankles during the aforementioned beach vacations.

(Although I did have a real one at this point...)

And she really loved Jordan. From the time he was a baby, she was his "Nina" (he couldn't say Linda when he was little, so he called her Nina, and then it sorta stuck as a description of who she was to him....as in "that's my Nina". And he was Gordo....(not really my favorite nickname for Jordan!) and I was "The Jewel".

I know I tell you guys all the time how much I miss her. I can tell you with total honesty that time doesn't heal anything, it just helps you accept your new normal without someone. I think of Linda every day, and I feel her with me all the time. There is a very big hole in our family where she should be, and our lives have never been the same without her. And I miss her like nobody's business.

So today, I hope she's in heaven with a glass box of her favorite red wine, a pack of Merit cigarettes, and some Carly Simon blaring on the radio, and celebrating her sixty wonderful years. Because while she may not have been here for all of it, she has never left our hearts.

Cheers, sis. And Happy Birthday. Sixty. Geesh.

Love, The Jewel and Gordo.

This is what happens when you date a computer geek

You think that's bad. You should have seen what being married to one was like.

Well, it's back to work after 10 days off....

I have to say, I've enjoyed my vacation. I was already taking the week between Christmas and New Year's off anyway because I had time from the year that I hadn't used up, but then my boss decided to close down the office and let us all have the time off.

I almost got used to sleeping in. I'm the kind of girl who is up at 7am even when I don't have to be. So I've gotten used to waking up, looking at the clock and thinking "I don't have to get up!" and falling back asleep! I slept in til 10am today, which is usually unheard of for me.

But tomorrow it's back to being up at 7:30. Sigh. Oh well.

I'm just thankful to have a job to go to!!!!

My holidays were good, pretty quiet but I like it that way. Did all the family stuff over Christmas, then celebrated Jordan's birthday two days later (and bought myself this), and didn't do a damn thing for New Year's Eve other than watch The Hangover (finally...am I the last person in America to see it? Thought it was "okay", expected to be laughing my ass off throughout the movie and instead just chuckled a few times). New Year's Day brought my beloved Buckeyes a Rose Bowl victory, and today my excitement was waking up to frozen cold water pipes, and spending the day insulating them in an effort to prevent that from happening again!

It's been a good holiday season, but I'm glad it's over and a new year has begun. 2009 was pretty good for me, and I have every confidence that 2010 is going to be even better. I'm recommitted to my diet as of tomorrow morning (I let myself slack off during the holidays....not going crazy but not actually counting points either) and my first goal for this year is to lose the remaining 40 lbs that I didn't lose last year. I'm also looking in to ways to market my real estate business so I can close a lot more deals this year and pay off my bills. I'm ready to do some travelling! And I can't do that until the debt from my condo fiasco of three years ago gets paid off.

What are your goals for 2010? Share some of them with me....

A Picture Really Is Worth A Thousand Words

Everything's coming up roses....

Happy New Year!!!!! Yay for 2010! I know it will be even better than last year was, and for me 2009 was a pretty good year.

It's going to start out with my beloved Buckeyes beating Oregon in the Rose Bowl!!!

(I love this old school program from 1958! How fun is that?)

GO BUCKS! BEAT THE DUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I get an O-H?

Julie takes a look back at 2009....

~ What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? Stuck to my diet! I successfully lost 35 lbs. I have regained three of it over the holidays and starting January 1 I'll be back on Weight Watchers to lose this last 40 lbs.  (Oh, make that 43 lbs)  Stay tuned!

~ Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?   I resolve to stop making resolutions. I suck at them. They last about 20 minutes into the New Year. This year, I figure if my resolution is to make no more resolutions, I'm good to go.

~ Did anyone close to you give birth? Like, physically close to me? No, I have not actually witnessed childbirth this year. But some of the young girls I know on the Nest have had babies this year. (Yeah so they are all in their 20's and 30's...it's not like they are teens...but to me they are young girls! You know who you are...stop laughing as you read this.) I also managed to knock several of them up this year...Steph, Trisha, Rhiannon to name a few. I've got my eye on several other Nesties this coming year....watch out ladies!!! For those of you who don't understand this, it's a running joke on the Nestie board that when I go out of town, or when I see these girls at social events, people end up pregnant. I have girls offering to pay for my vacations at this point. However, it also happens that when I walk into a party with them, the crowd parts and I'm only allowed on one side of the room with women who want babies. LOL

~ Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully, no. My Mom is still with us, and to be honest we didn't think she would be, but she's a tough old bird and she's hanging in there.  However I have had a friend for over 12 years now, Ginny Croasdale, who I met on a message board when Jordan was just a little boy.  I never had the chance to meet her in person (she lived in Reno, NV) but we have always been in contact with each other, and she would send Jordan Christmas ornaments and things over the years.  She passed away the day after Christmas this year from brain cancer that was diagnosed back in June.  She was a fun and interesting lady, and I will miss her baudy sense of  humor the most.  Rest in peace, Gin.  My life is better for having known you, my friend.

~ What countries did you spend time in this year? Um, I'm pretty sure I've been landlocked this year. My passport has nothing on it. I can, however, travel anywhere you would like to send me. (Nestie girls, take note.)  I went to Vegas twice this year, and Chicago once, and other than that I didn't do a lot of long distance travelling.

~ What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? A booming real estate business so that I can pay off bills, prepare for helping Jordan with college, and add stamps to my passport. Oh, and I totally logged way too few miles doing the horizontal bop (ok, make that zero miles), so I'd be quite happy to have a dancing partner. (Hey, just being honest!)

~ What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Jordan's graduation day, of course. That was a big event for us this year.

~ What was your biggest achievement of the year? Again, losing the weight. I have never had the self control to stop bitching about being fat and actually *do* something about it. Now I know I can do it, and if I don't lose the rest of the weight it's due to laziness and nothing else.

~ What was your biggest failure? I don't really feel like I had one. So maybe my biggest failure was to have a biggest failure! Yay! I hope every year going forward is like that! Oh wait, probably my biggest failure was missing my Dallas trip to hang with Deb and Jill. That really disappointed me. I should have gotten on that plane even if they had to wheel me on it with an oxygen mask and a stretcher.

~ Did you suffer any serious injury or illness? My ego has been bruised a few times. Other than that I'm pretty healthy.  My three herniated back disks are the same as they have been....no worse, which is good.  Losing some weight has definitely helped.

~ What was the best thing you bought?  My new car this week!

~ Whose behavior merited celebration? My son. He graduated in June, lost 85 lbs this year, pulled a 3.4 in his first quarter of college, and he makes me proud every day to be his mom.

~ Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?  Nobody I know personally.  But for God's sake...Jon Gosselin?  He just needs somebody to smack the shit out of him. It's pretty bad when he started out being the henpecked husband of a controlling bitch and by the end of the year he was the world's biggest douchebag and public sympathy was with Kate for ever being married to that Ed Hardy wearing asshat in the first place!

~ Where did most of your money go? Credit card bills. And Starbucks. I have an addition to iced caramel macchiatos, skinny, upside down. Two points, baby.

~ What did you get really, really, really excited about? Watching Jordan conquer this weight problem this year. I always knew he'd get there one day, and as I watched the pounds melt away I got more and more excited for him, and what his future holds.

~ What do you wish you'd done more of?   Really?  Do you need to ask??  I wish I'd done more of that thing I haven't done ANY of.  Sigh.  Maybe next year..  Takers?  Anyone?  Bueller?

~ What do you wish you'd done less of?  Worrying.  And sitting on my ass on the couch when I should be breaking a sweat.  I could have lost all the weight I wanted instead of just half of it.

~ Did you fall in love in 2009? No, but it's only Dec 31st. I have plenty of time. You know I'm a last minute  kind of gal.

~ How many one-night stands? Dammit this question was a zero last year too! I so wish I had a number to plug in here. Unfortunately, I'm not a one-nighter kind of gal.  I'm starting to think however, that in 2010 I should become one!

~ Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate. That level of internal poison causes wrinkles that I can't afford to have!  I strongly dislike the whore woman who helped break up my marriage, but I finally realized that karma will be a far bigger bitch to her than I could ever be.  Some day, one way or another, she'll pay the price for her part in it.  So I've let that one go, and left it up to destiny to even the score.  Meanwhile, for me, living well is the best revenge!. 

~ What was the best book you read? Oh this one is easy. Bastard Husband: A Love Story. (Click on that link to go to Amazon and buy your own copy!) Even if I didn't know Linda Lou personally, I would have loved this book. It reminds me in so many ways of my own BH. But knowing the author makes the book that much better to me. Seriously, you need to read it. Click the damn link right now and go buy one. And then buy some for your friends too.

~ What did you want and not get? Botox. And Restylane. Hey, I'm being honest. My face has fallen further than Obama in the polls.

~ What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Well I was 48 on my birthday in March, and I have no idea what I did! I think it was a Sunday and I vaguely recall having lunch with my sisters, and I believe Jordan and his then-girlfriend made me dinner.

~ What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? As much as I bitch about being dateless, I do have a very satisfying life. Would I like to have someone to share good times with? You bet. But I have figured out that I have to make myself happy first, and then share that happiness with another when he comes along. Maybe this year he'll buy himself a faster car and get here quicker. LOL

~ What political issue stirred you the most? Don't get me started. We are all entitled to our opinions, but I don't force mine down your throat and I'd really appreciate you not forcing yours down mine. Thank God for the delete button in emails.

~ Who did you miss? I miss my sister all the time. So many things I want to share with her. I want her to see Jordan and be as proud as I am. Life is just not the same without her.

~ Who was the best new person you met? I was so lucky to spend time in May with blogging buddies Linda Lou and Darlene!!!!! They are no longer blog friends, they are lifelong girlfriends. We had the best time in Vegas and I fully intend to see both again this year. I really hate that I missed the Dallas trip with Deb and Jill but I plan to meet them both this year. Party at Myrtle Beach, right ladies?

~ Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. Anger and bitterness ages you faster than anything. This year I have really let go of my past, forgiven those who wronged me, and started looking forward with excitement and anticipation.

~ What sums up this year? (a word, a quote...?) Meets, but does not exceed expectations!

Happy New Year, readers! My wish for you all is that 2010 brings you more joy and happiness than any other year, and that you have a healthy and prosperous New Year!!! Thank you for the light you shine into my life and I hope that I bring something to yours as well.

Now this is my kind of woman.

Blame this one on Vodkamom....I found it on her blog and laughed my ass off!

Seriously, this resembles me and some of my best friends waaaaaay too much. You know who you are! Don't make me name names!

Look what I got myself for my son's birthday....

So you know I have a killer car, it's a 2006 Chrysler 300 SRT with a Hemi engine. Bad ass car. Expensive as fuck. $350 per tire to replace. Shitty gas mileage. But damn it's pretty...

It's also a leased vehicle and the lease is up January 17th.

Oh, and I just found out two weeks ago that I am already over my miles.

Anyway, I've been shopping for a car for a couple of weeks now, and finally found it yesterday.

So I bought myself a new car for my son's birthday.


Welcome to my new 2010 Nissan Altima!

(Clearly I have a thing for silver cars!)


My young trendy Nestie girls would call this a "push present", albeit 19 years late. LOL

I'm very happy with it. It has all the same bells and whistles that my 300 has except navigation and the Hemi engine. The nav came in handy during times when I'm showing houses but hell, I can buy a Garmin. And the Hemi was nice when idiots on the road in front of me were driving too slow and I wanted to zoom around them, but otherwise all it did was cause me to slide all over the freaking road in the snow and give me a whopping 15 miles to the gallon.

But the best part is that the car payment is half what the 300 was, and that makes me really, really happy.

Oh and it has a feature the other car didn't....a cool iPod interface in the nifty Bose stereo so I can listen to music on my iPhone when I'm driving!!! Yay! (This would be my son's favorite feature on the car, as you can imagine.)

So I'm all kinds of happy with my new car! And my 300 is parked in my back garage for the next month until I can turn it in on January 17th. Yay!

Attention must be paid, because on this day 19 years ago....

On December 27, 1990 I looked like this:

And then a year later "we" looked like this:

And then we got a couple years older...

And older...

And his hair got darker and mine got more red...

And then suddenly he was a teenager...

And tried to tune me out....

And he turned 17 but still let me feed him regularly...

That year I had to drive him home from his sister's wedding after he celebrated a little tooooooo much...

He was really happy with me though, when I got us out of Mexico after getting lost in a Mexighetto in a rental car with no navigation, cell phone service or passports (only I can "accidentally" drive over the border of a foreign country). Six hours in the border line having to pee like crazy and finally finding out we're not going to be detained makes for a happy mother and child...

Then he felt the need to turn 18 and graduate...

And lose a shit ton of weight...

But he's always going to be my little boy...just like I'm still my mom's baby...

So today I wish my little bundle of joy, Jordan Nicholas, a very, very happy 19th birthday. You are the light of my life, my greatest joy, and I have loved every minute of the past nineteen years (and even that 42 weeks I was pregnant!). You have given me more happiness than any parent could hope for, and I can't wait to see the rest of your life unfold and cheer the amazing things that come your way.

I love you, my little bug!!!!!

Tomorrow is a really big day...

So you'd better check back here.

I'm just sayin...you don't want to miss The Event.