Life's A Beach

Four more days and we're off on vacation! Woohooooooooooooo! Honey and I are headed to Fort Lauderdale, Miami and Key West. Commence with being jealous. .

The carpet doesn't match the drapes.

I got new carpet this weekend. I could not be happier.

The old stuff was ruined by two little 6 lb dogs that pee all over it. I could never understand WHY they did that...they never did at the old house, but yet they used my living room like it was their own personal backyard.

The carpet installer found a spot on the floor that had cat urine all over it. WTF?

I have never had a cat. I will never have a cat. But evidently the owners before me did, and it pissed all over the carpet in one corner...thus leading MY dogs to mark their territory.

And you know dogs, once that happened, it was all over.

So we cleaned and bleached the floor and replaced all the carpet strip so that there is no smell left anywhere.

And I dare those little fuckers to pee in my living room again.

If they do, I'll have two very small Yorkie fur rugs in the future.

(Oh, and it's been 48 hours with no accidents. I think they fear for their lives. And they should!)

So I whacked all my hair off.

I'm getting used to it, it's been 2 weeks so you'd think I'd have mastered the art of using a flat iron by now!

The burn on my forehead disagrees.

Oh well...

Hoppy Easter!

Happy Birthday To Me and other shameless self promotion!

I'm 51. Fuck it. I'e earned it!

So hey, my new fun in life is seeing how many celebrities I can get to tweet me! So far today I have Gretchen Rossi (from the Real Housewives of Orange County), Tabatha Coffey (my girl crush), , Penny Davidi (former contestant on The Next Food Network Star), and a retweet by Dean McDermott (of Tori & Dean fame).

And a few weeks ago, Kurt Sutter from Sons of Anarchy tweeted me, and I've exchanged several tweets with Trista Sutter from Bachelorette fame.

OMG and I just got a private message from Lisa Vanderpump (from RHOOC)saying "Same age as me! Happy B-day!"

I'm loving this! It way too much fun.

In other news....my honey got me the cutest gift today. He showed up at my office with balloons and flowers, and this turtle family music box that plays "Up Where We Belong". hahahahahaha It's hilarious.

I think I'm gonna keep that fella.

I could not be more proud...

...than to have this chance to announce....

That my favorite kid has been accepted to Ohio State!!!!!!!!!!!

As you all know he's been a student at the University of Cincinnati for two years now, and recently he decided to transfer to Ohio State.

He wisely realized just how expensive it is to take out school loans to live 2 hours away from home, and have to work while going to school, which means he has no time to see the friends he's down there with in the first place!

So he's coming back to Columbus when school is out in June, and transferring to Ohio State to major in film studies. He and a buddy will live in the condo that I own, because timing be what it may...my renter is breaking her lease and moving out. How convenient. haha

It has been a long process getting here. When Jordan was 16, I took him to Los Angeles to check out their film studies school, because all he's ever really wanted to do was be a director. We talked about going to school locally for this, and then he could move to LA when he graduated, and somehow once he got out of high school, he put the dream aside. But he's really kind of been treading water this past three years, unable to settle on a degree because nothing held appeal to him, that he would want to do the rest of his life.

Except film.

Finally, I told him this is ridiculous. PURSUE YOUR DREAM. Transfer up here, major in film studies, get your degree and move west and be who...and what....you've always wanted to be. Anything is possible, but you have to put the wheels in motion to get there.

So it took 3 years and 2 other colleges (Columbus State for a year, and UC for two) to get him on the path he needs...wants....to be on.

I'm very proud. And very thankful that he dreams big, and goes for it.

I better be his damn date to the Oscars when he goes. I'm just sayin.

My first love.

You were my first love, sir.

Thank you for setting the standard, even though I haven't really been attracted to long haired short men since.

But still.

Rest in peace. Be free...



Love, Julie

Does your man drive you crazy?

Seriously. Does your man drive you crazy?

Because mine does.

Batshit crazy some days.

And I know I'm not alone in this! My two BFF's have the same issue with their husbands. These men do idiotic shit and just don't THINK.

They don't think about what they are doing.

Or what they are saying.

They don't think rationally, or logically.

They don't listen.

They don't see past whatever is right in front of them, and see big picture.

And it drives me up a wall.

Let me give you a recent example.

For 4 days prior to getting my foot tattoo, I told my guy that A) I was getting a tattoo on my foot, and B) Because it's on my foot, I will not be able to put a tennis shoe (or any other shoe for that matter other than a ballet flat) on for a week. Therefore, I will not be going to the gym to walk on the treadmill until it heals a week from now.

We discussed this the morning of the tattoo appointment even.

So literally, as I'm getting the frickin tattoo, he calls me to see what I'm doing and I'm like....'Getting my tattoo....' and he says....wait for it...

"Are we going to the gym when you get home?"

No. No, we aren't.

This is just one of many examples I could give you. It drives me crazy.

What is it about men that make them this way? Is it age? Is their testosterone dropping so rapidly that not only does the little head stop being attentive but the big one does as well? Are they going deaf? Developing dementia? Have the years of partying in their 20's finally caught up with their brain cells?

Listen, I am not the smartest cookie in the jar. I'm intelligent, but I'm not getting invited to join Mensa anytime soon. But there are times that I look at him and I'm like...blink blink...because even my brain can't fathom what the hell he's thinking!

Do you have this problem with your man? If so, how have you not suffocated him with a pillow yet?

Lessons in Womanhood

I have become a bad blogger. Even my best bloggy friends are calling me out on it.

I've had a lot going on recently (mostly good!) and I just haven't made time to do much other than post a few funny pictures and get a new tattoo.

Rest assured, everything is good with Michael and me, Jordan is doing well, my job is secure but busy as hell, and I'm content with life.

I will post an update soon, but until then:

I'm so happy with this.

It's tattoo #6 and maybe my most favorite of all.




It says "Life, love, laugh and be happy!!!"

My sister Linda wrote these words to me 3 months before she died, and now I have them in her writing with me forever.

And to those who asked, no I am not single again. Michael and I are doing well. We have our ups and downs and some days he drives me crazy. But at the end of the day there is nobody else I'd rather be with.

Here's another shot of my tat:




I was shocked that it didn't hurt nearly as bad as I expected to. Only the swirl on my ankle bone made me say a few cuss words, otherwise it was a breeze.




I love it.

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhones

So happy!

One huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I am a happy girl today.

It's gonna be a good weekend....

After The Thrill Is Gone

Forgot how much I love this Eagles song.....

'After The Thrill Is Gone'

Same dances in the same old shoes
Some habits that you just can't lose
There's no telling what a man might use,
After the thrill is gone

The flame rises but it soon descends
Empty pages and a frozen pen
You're not quite lovers and you're not quite friends
After the thrill is gone, oh,
After the thrill is gone

What can you do when your dreams come true
And it's not quite like you planned?
What have you done to be losing the one
You held it so tight in your hand well

Time passes and you must move on,
Half the distance takes you twice as long
So you keep on singing for the sake of the song
After the thrill is gone
After the thrill is gone

You're afraid you might fall out of fashion
And you're feeling cold and small
Any kind of love without passion
That ain't no kind of lovin' at all, well

Same dances in the same old shoes
You get too careful with the steps you choose
you don't care about winning but you don't want to lose
After the thrill is gone
After the thrill is gone
After the thrill is gone, oh
After the thrill is gone

We've decided to separate.

Aahahahahahahhahahahahah. Funny stuff.

Happy Friday!

No really...I'm not!

Happy Friday, peeps!

What's Your Blues Name?

Hi, I'm Boney Legs Jefferson.

What's yours?

Guess which one of my friend's this reminds me of?

Go ahead. Guess.

I'm just sayin....

Source: m.9gag.com via Julie on Pinterest

Happy Monday!

Well Hell.

January 6th, and I'm just now pulling off a "Happy New Year!" post. Nice.

I didn't make resolutions this year (or any other year for that matter) because I don't ever keep them. But I have goals.

1.  I'm trying not to say 'fuck' as much. It's really fucking fricking hard.

2.  I'm going to grow my real estate business this year. It's time to shit or get off the pot. (I've always hated the visual that catchy little phrase creates, and yet here I am using it. I should resolve not to do that again!) I either need to market myself, grow my business and make some money so that I can pay off my bills and do some travelling...or I need to surrender my license. Last year I closed one house, and what I made on it offset my monthly fees and yearly dues, so other than the tax write off I made no money in real estate.

3.  I'm back on Weight Watchers again, combining that with this fucking frickin vegan lifestyle that was thrust upon me that I am sooooooooooooo happy to be doing. (If Dr. Penny is reading this she's gonna yell at me but I don't care. My blog, my bitch platform!)  The great news is that Michael has lost 25 lbs since we started eating this way 3 months ago. I, however, haven't lost a frickin' pound. Nor do I feel amazingly better. Nor do I have an incredible amount of energy. I'm tired. Cranky, Bitchy, Sleepy, Whiny, Gassy (yeah when you eat all these damn beans, it happens. I regularly have a 6 month pregnant gas baby belly. It's lovely). Hormonal. Let's face it, I'm my own fucking Seven Dwarfs now. (Ooops...there's that F word. Hey, I'm trying.) So I figured if I'm gonna ever learn to LTVS (Love The Vegan Shit) I'm gonna need to be losing weight on it as well. Enter Weight Watchers.  It's only my first week, but it's going good so far.

Let's see...what else? I think that's enough for now. Lose weight, make money, and stop saying offensive four letter words that begin with F (unless I'm doing it, of course, at which time I can scream it so the neighbors hear me).

Those are my goals this year. What are yours?

How can this kid be 21 already?

I swear, it was just a couple of years ago he looked like this.

Sigh.

Time flies when you're having spawn.

To my son on his 21st birthday....know that you are loved beyond words, that your Mom is more proud of you than anything she has ever done in her life, and that my wish for you is to one day be 85 years old, surrounded by your wife and your children and your grandchildren (and maybe even some great grandkids), and know that this year, 2011, when you were 21....was the start of the most amazing years of your life.

I love you with all my heart. Happy birthday, bug.

Love, Mums.

It's that time again...the Office Xmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And, don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ....You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody????

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gift exchange is allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money, and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party (the days are so short this time of year), or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men; each gender will have their own table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food thus we suggest for those people with blood pressure problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics since the restaurant is unable to supply "no sugar" desserts.

Sorry!

Did I miss anything?

Patty

****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up ike Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? Please?????????

Also, the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail, sent to your home.

Patty

****************************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #*&^@*^Holiday Party

I have no#&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@ do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your @ #$^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now !HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

****************************************************
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Terri

A Christmas Wish...Granted

I found this letter I wrote to Santa in 2008, and I am proud to say that he finally granted my wish last year. Santa Rocks!!!!

So write your letters, folks....eventually you'll get what you wish for!

12/2008

Dear Santa,

I know I haven't written for awhile, but I thought this was a good year for us to reconnect. We've had a bit of a tumultuous past, you and I, but as I've grown up and matured, I have come to realize that I shouldn't expect to find happiness with a guy who travels with reindeer and plays with elves.

So, I want to take this opportunity to tell you that I forgive you for that whole Barbie Dream House debacle of 1969. Even though I was very specific about what I was looking for....the beautiful pink 4' tall model, 12 rooms, a master bath jacuzzi big enough for Ken and Barbie, three car garage for the Barbie Dream Car, Ken's Jeep, and a guest spot...I know it was too big to fit under the tree but if you recall I asked that you please put it on the left side of the tree so that as I ran into the room on Christmas morning, it's the last thing I saw.

Santa, you sat right there in the mall, looked me in the eyes and said "Julie, your Christmas will be dreamy...ho ho ho". Dreamy = Dream House in my 8 year old eyes.

Imagine my surprise when, in lieu of a beautiful Barbie Dream House on Christmas morning, I woke to find some horrible Barbie head with hair that you pulled out of her skull so it "grew"! Oh, and then you applied neon blue eye shadow to her eyes and this sticky gross "lipstick" in a God awful shade of pink to her clearly collagened lips. Seriously? This was your idea of my Barbie dream????? For years I refused to wear my hair in a ponytail for fear somebody was going to pull on it and I'd end up with yellow plastic hair down to my ass.

I digress. The reason for this letter is that I'd like us to make amends with each other. Let's call a truce, shall we? Obviously I haven't asked for a lot this past 40 years. But this year, there is something I really, really want, and I think you and I can work together to make it happen.

What I'm looking for this year is a great guy. Let's face it, after my ex, my bar is set pretty low. He is NOT a hard act to follow. I have a list of the specific qualities I'm looking for in a romantic partner which I will forward to you later, however to summarize I'm just really asking for the important things...passion, honesty, integrity, a sense of humor, financial stability, romance, etc. He can be a good solid 5 in the looks department, because frankly I consider myself about a 6 on most days, and you know that women always want to be the pretty one in a relationship.

Please note...I have a 4' tree. Please, please, please...do not attempt to put him under it. I'm not looking to date a midget.

If you can find it in your heart to grant my Christmas wish this year, I promise I will forget all about the Barbie Dream House.

Love,
Julie

P.S. If you could make him well endowed, that would really sweeten the deal. Thanks!