I met Mr. Right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK so I technically don't know *who* he is, but whoever wrote this could clearly be the man of my dreams.

So if you know him, give him my digits will ya?


• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

• I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with a flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

• I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

• I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

• The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

• There is a great need for sarcasm font.

• I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

• Was learning cursive really necessary?

• Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

• Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

• My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

• Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

• I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

• I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

• Bad decisions make good stories

• Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

• Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

• If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

• There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

• "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

• I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

• While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

• When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

• I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

• As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

• It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

• I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

• My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

• It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

• I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

• The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard.

Well this is one way to do it.

Who needs to forward emails when you have a blog to use as your platform? I'm not big on political stances and religious discussions however, I found this to be a very interesting read. I'm not trying to force my political viewpoint on anyone nor am I questioning your particular values when it comes to what God you choose to (or not to) believe in. This is just a perspective that I enjoyed reading.

Take from it what you will.

I have no idea how much of this, if any, was written by Ben Stein, and how much has been changed and modified by people before emailing it on to their friends. So I'm not saying it's accurate as far as who wrote it, but the message is still interesting nonetheless.

The following was alledgedly written by Ben Stein and supposedly recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Hurricane Katrina).. Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events.... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit.

If not, then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

Tuesday's Texts From Last Night

It's that time again....more quotes from Texts from Last Night. Enjoy!

(502): I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.

(706): im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick

(804): god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.

(949): you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."

(410): I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
(412): I cherish every text you send me

(518): you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'

(916): do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?

(337): I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.

(816): We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.

(540): Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.

(614): Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers

(512): boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.

(651): my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego

(702): the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!

(817): she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'

(917): you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys

(904): i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.


(541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

And my favorite....

(912): I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person.

Happy Tuesday!

No Sex in the City

First things first....Jordan, if you are reading this, exit out of it now. Some things Moms and Sons do NOT need to share.



OK kids, I need to be dating. There is something MAJOR missing from my life. I don't think I need to elaborate on what it is. I think the blog title...and picture...are self explanatory.

Thing is...I miss all aspects of a relationship, but this one in particular. I've always been very...um...active in that department. And this unintentional celibacy is killing me. I'm too young to have cobwebs south of my waist!

We all know I continued dating my ex for three years after our divorce, and frankly this was one of the reasons why. The devil you know is better than no devil at all...at least it was at the time. Now that devil is no longer an option....I just can't go there no matter how bad being alone feels. Some things never change, and he's one of them.

So what is a girl to do?

I'm not a booty call kind of gal. Don't get me wrong, there are more than a few ex's that I wasn't insane enough to marry who would gladly oblige me. But at this age, I'm not looking for just a good time. I'm looking for someone to share good times with.

It's just so hard to meet men. I'm on a free dating website...mostly for blog fodder....and frankly there hasn't been anyone on there recently that I've talked to on there who interests me enough to actually get all glammed up and meet. And after the last two that I did meet...yeah, one might say there are plenty of fish in the sea, but are there any real men?

This weekend I considered Match.com or eHarmony, but I've tried that before right after my divorce, and frankly I wasn't impressed there either.

Sigh.

Give me some ideas here. All my friends are married, so all of their friends are married. I don't meet many single straight guys at work, and the last time I did I married him and we all know how successful *that* was. I don't go to church, so I'm not going to meet a nice single guy there. I'm not into the bar scene, and clearly Fed Ex may guarantee delivery by 10:30am but they aren't bringing what I need.

So, single bloggers...where do you go to meet people to date? C'mon, help a sister out here. Know any single guys 40 to early 50's in or around Columbus, Ohio? Got an uncle you forgot to mention to me?? A cute and single brother-in-law? Tians.sis, can you please send Johnny my way? He's soooooooooooo damn cute! I'll take good care of him, I promise. Really, really good care. Mindblowing care. LOL I'll send that boy back home cryin for his mama.

And no, in case you are wondering, I don't need new batteries. I have rechargeable ones. LOL

As my BFF Elizabeth says...I need to break the seal! HELP!!!!

Sunday Rewind - The Interview

Taking a blogging day off to enjoy the cool weather here in Ohio today. Hope you enjoy this rewind from January. Happy Sunday!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Joining the Interview Bandwagon....

Yep, I've been interviewed and I know you are all just dying to read it. So thanks to my bloggirlfriend (that's my new word I just made up, like it?) Binks , I submit her burning questions and my direct yet witty answers.

1) My friend Shelle says that it is bad manners to talk on your phone in the bathroom. You recently wrote that you are never without your iPhone, even in the bathroom. What exactly are you doing on the iPhone in there? What is the last application that you added?


Well, it's true that I never go anywhere without my iPhone. My sister gives me shit about this constantly. "Why do you have to have that thing with you every second of the day?" The short answer is...because I can! Usually in the bathroom, I check mail, or I may be in the midst of a text conversation with someone and frankly, they can't hear you peeing via text so it's not really "rude" to engage in the two activities at once. Although I have been known to actually pee while talking on the phone to my BFF Elizabeth, but she does the same to me so we're both fine with it! Just pretend I'm standing near a waterfall if it bothers you. Oh, and the last application I added was "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". I love trivia anything. And, I want to be a millionaire.

2) My sister is 49 and divorced. She is looking to start dating too. Do you have any pointers for her and where the hell do you meet men?


Oh honey, I am NOT the person to take dating advice from! The last time I went out on more than one date with someone, I married the guy and we all know how well that worked out for me. And you've seen the kind of men I attract on dating sites, so trust me, this question is better posed to my friend VegasLindaLou. She's doing much better being divorced and dating than I am! I want to be her when I grow up.

3) Jill seemed to think that people would be interested in shoe sizes. What size shoe do you wear? How many pairs of shoes do you have and approximately how old is the oldest pair of shoes in your closet?


Hahaha...I don't have shoes, I have foot yachts. My feet are a size 11. (Hey, I'm 5'9", give me a break!) If flip flops count as shoes, I probably have 60 pair in my closet. If they don't, then I have about 30 pair of actual shoes. My oldest ones are about 10 years old, they are sandals that I can't bear to throw out!

4) As I mentioned before, my sister is single and has been divorced for 15 years. I bought her a sex toy for her birthday once. What is the strangest gift you've ever received? Did you like it and do you still have it?


Wow, I have to think about this. I've never really gotten any strange gifts. (But if anyone wants my address, email me. I'm open to accepting them!) I guess the strangest one would have been a fire extinguisher from a guy I was dating. I don't know if he was trying to tell me I was too horny, or just making me prepared in case of emergency, but he didn't last long after that.

5) Dating is hard. Dating later in life seems extremely hard. Can you tell us about your best date ever? How about the worse? How about the most embarrassing thing to happen on a date?


It's funny, I really don't have a "best date" that jumps out in my mind. I'm sitting here actually wracking my brain trying to think of one! I can tell you my worst date easily. About 6 months after my divorce, I attempted to go out on a date with some guy I met on the Internet. He seemed nice enough, so I agreed to dinner at PF Changs. The guy showed up, and clearly his profile picture had been taken about 100 lbs ago. He had on this very 70's brown cordaroy jacket, and when he took it off he was actually wearing SUSPENDERS. I'm thinking already that I'm going to eat and run. So we sit down to dinner, and the waiter takes our drink orders and he says "Well, I rarely drink...so I'll just have a double Grey Goose on the rocks". Huh? FIVE double Grey Gooses later, I'm thinking gee, I believe what he meant to say was "Well, I rarely drink...less than a bottle in one sitting". He ordered three appetizers and proceeded to eat 99% of them by himself, he ate all of his dinner and what part of mine that I didn't eat, and as I'm sitting there thinking "Thank God the meal is over and I can run", he orders coffee and desserts. Two of them. And again, eats most of them. And during the meal, I find out that he had been in prison for two years for trafficking something out of Amsterdam (it was a mistake you know, he didn't really do it, his ex-wife set him up) and he has no credit and is driving a rental car for some reason he couldn't really explain...and at this point I'm about to do the "bathroom ditch" thing! Finally the long excrutiating meal was over, and he wanted to walk me to my car (which I politely refused) and he tried to grab me and come in for a kiss, which I completely ducked and twirled out of! I shook his hand, said thanks, and ran....and I have not dated since!

So there you have it. Now I believe the rules of this game are that if you want to be interviewed by me, leave me a comment and tell me. Unfortunately, because I'm so damn busy with work right now, I do not have time to do individual interviews but I will have a general list of questions ready! So let me know if you want to be interviewed by me!!!!

Child Support Needed

No, there is no PayPal link on my blog! LOL

Go visit my kid's blog today, will ya? He's finally updated it, and he's got some news. You guys always support me, so give him a little bloggy love too ok?

Since he doesn't have any updated pictures I'll put one here so you can see how great he looks since his weight loss:



Speaking of pictures, did I ever post this? I think you can click on it and see a bigger picture. Look how cute my little blonde baby was. Hard to believe he's a bald adult now. Still just as cute...and still my baby though!!!!



No big plans for the weekend, other than cleaning house. Wait, that's not a plan, that's a duty. Sigh. Why is house cleaning a never ending thing? And why wasn't I born with that Bewitched power to twitch my nose and voila....everything in it's place?

Two weeks from today I'll be back in Vegas, this time with my boss and my co-worker. That will be lots of fun. And, I get to hang with my buddy Linda Lou which makes it even better!!!!!!

Off to get my exercise in for today. Tell me your big weekend plans....let me live vicariously through you!

Is there a "y'all" at the end of hostile?

So the other day I did a blog post about Paula Deen being President. One of my long time readers from Georgia (you know who you are, but to protect you in this instance I won't mention names) sent it to me via email because she knows my love of ATP (All Things Paula).

Like many emails I get, I blogged about it. There was no link or reference in the email that stated it had previously been posted on another blog, or I'd have given credit where credit is due. Nor did it seem to make sense to preface the post with "Hey, my friend Susie got this from her friend Sally who forwarded it from Debbie who forwarded it from Kathy who got it from Kelly....blah blah blah". It was an email, for heaven's sake. We all get many joke emails a day. Do you know the origination of every one that you get?

Then I received a comment on the post from a person who owns a blog saying I was stealing from her and violating her copyright, etc.

I wrote to this person and apologized and said that I had received it in an email, thought it was funny and blogged about it. (For the record, while it was amusing, it needed tweaking, so I added my own comments to the end of it as well.) I offered to link back to their site, or remove it entirely.

Frankly, I was thinking to myself, you might wanna take me up on the link back offer. Nobody should turn down free advertising!

The response I received was rather surprising. It started out with "Greetings" then quickly turned to calling me a liar about how I received the information (that it did not come via email but rather I went to the site and stole it), continued with accusing me of taking credit for work that wasn't mine (which I never did) and ended with veiled threats of being sued for claiming something as my own that isn't.

Wow. Hostile!

I really didn't mean to piss anybody off with it. I just thought it was a mildly cute thing to post. Funny thing is, if someone posted one of my blogs on their site, I'd have been flattered that they thought it was entertaining enough to use, and would have simply written them an email saying "Hey, that's my original post, please make sure you say that on your blog or link back to me."

(Except for that time when the Bike Smut guys posted part of my discussion with the exercise bike. To their credit, they did link back to me, but unfortunately I really didn't want my blog being associated with bicycle porn! I send them a nice email asking them to remove it and they did.)

Getting all whipped up about an honest mistake really isn't necessary. Especially when this could have been turned into an advantage for the other blogger. I have lots of followers and tons of daily readers who probably would have gotten a kick out of his/her blog, if I'd linked to it instead of deleting the post altogether.

Funny thing is, in looking at his/her site, they put a link at the end of every post that says "E-Mail To A Friend". So I'm thinking to myself...if you don't want people emailing your blog posts to others, thus opening yourself up for it being copied elsewhere....you might want to remove that link!

And I have to wonder....does the owner of that site have written permission from Paula Deen to use an image of her and draw a mustache on it, as her blog header?? Or from Racheal Ray who has horns drawn on her head? I see numerous pictures in their blog posts that have clearly been taken from other sources. C'mon, who thinks this blogger is Paula Deen's personal photographer? So wouldn't using someone else's photographs on your blog (especially stock photos such as the ones in the header which can be found all over the web) be stealing as well? Isn't that just what he/she accused me of doing?

And then I saw it.

The link asking for Paypal donations to help with the web hosting fees on this site. LOL...that's the funniest thing I've ever seen!!!! Hell, who knew it was appropriate to solicit your readers for money to keep your blog online? I average 7,000 blog hits a month. If you'd all send me a dollar every time you visit my blog, I can quit my job and do this for a living!!!! My blog would be SO MUCH MORE FUN if you guys would just support me financially while I write it.

I'm still laughing at that. It takes some pretty big cajones to ask your readers to "donate" to your blog. Wow. Seriously, who does that? And would you even read a blog that did??

So anyway....I have removed the infamous Paula Deen post from my blog.

If you want to read more, the link to that site is....oh wait, I don't want to get sued for posting the blog address without permission. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

The American Idols Tour. Or, the I love Glambert hour.

So, Tuesday night I went to the American Idols 2009 Tour.

Supposedly there were 10 people performing.

I only saw one.

OK I saw the rest, but they were so unimpressive that they didn't register on my radar as actually "seeing" them. They were pretty insignificant.

I took my sister Patty for her birthday.



We had great seats. Fifth Row Center.



First up was Michael Sarver. Boring. Packed on some weight this tour, though.



Then Megan Joy. Megan, sweetie....Foxy Brown called and wants her afro back. And she's pissed that you bleached it white.



Next up was Lil Rounds, I think. The girl can sing, but she was way over-blinged. She was all about the rhinestones.



After that, I don't remember what order the rest were in, but here's the blind guy, Anoop Dog, and that other dude. Matt somebody. I dunno.





Then they all tried in vain to entertain with dueling pianos and a number featuring all of the bottom six finishers.





Mercifully, the first half came to a close.

The second half of the show started with Allison playing the guitar and screeching like a banshee. She butchered "Barracuda" by my beloved Heart. Not cool. I loved her voice on the show, but last night, all she did was scream. And it wasn't pretty. The colors behind her were though.



Then came Danny Gokey. He's cute in a "trying way too hard to be a performer" way. Unfortunately he lost big points with me for singing a song that brings back really bad memories for me related to my ex and the whore who helped break up my marriage, so since I had to endure that, he only gets one picture here as well.



Then....came the reason I bought tickets to the damn show in the first place.

Glambert.

I'm gonna try to upload the video of his opening song "Whole Lotta Love". Some parts are hard to see because of the ass on front of me. Literally. This stupid bitch fellow concert goer decided she needed to stand on her chair while he was on stage, because evidently from the 4th row she couldn't see up his frickin nose. I asked her politely three times to get down and stop standing on the chair because her ass was so big you could NOT see around it. The fourth time I grabbed her, pulled her down and said "If you stand up in front of me again, I will send you flying onto the guy in front of you with a massive shove, and security will then throw your ass out and solve my problem for good". How freaking rude. You're in the fourth goddamn row, you are 35 if you're a day, he's ignoring you, AND HE'S GAY. He isn't going to fuck you backstage after the show. So sit your "Marry me Adam" screaming, blue extension streak in your hair, I Love Glambert t-shirt wearing ass down and watch the damn show like the rest of us.

Sorry, got off on a tangent there! It still pisses me off that someone could be that rude!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, back to the video, so I will try to upload it here. Meanwhile, here's some photos for your viewing pleasure.







Oh yeah, and the guy who won was there too. Talk about irrelevant. Poor guy, having to take the stage after Adam. He was about as exciting as soggy bread. I almost forgot to even take his picture. I felt bad for him though. You have to understand, the place erupted when Adam came out. Up until then, it was mild applause at best. No screaming fans. And then for Chris Allen (that is his name, right? This guy who won?) to come out after women are throwing bras and panties on the stage and screaming like 14 year olds....you'd have thought the audience turned into 15,000 nursing home residents. And he lulled everyone to sleep with three slow songs. Way to buzz kill the high energy from Adam, dude....



Oh well, doesn't look like the video is going to load. Sorry. Just trust me, I have every song he did. He was well worth the price of admission

Wax On, Wax Off. Yeah, right.

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal for years. The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and especially...do-it-yourself waxing.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, watch some TV. Then I had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. No, really. I am!

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am SheRah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After pouring myself another glass of wine, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something.

So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the neighbors, and scared the shit out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

IT WORKS!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Wax on, wax off. Yeah, right. Next time I'll go to a professional.

Due to lack of interest....

Today's blog post has been cancelled.

By the way, the lack of interest is mine. I've just got nothing to say. I'm swamped at work, I don't have time to read anyone else's blogs, and I feel really disconnected right now.

Don't worry, I'll be back when I feel like I have something to entertain you with.

Just not today.

The Birthday Girl and a very odd thing.

Thursday was my Mom's 85th birthday. We had a little birthday party for her at my sister's house.

This is Mom with my sisters Patty and Sue Ellen, and of course yours truly:



And here's Mom and her favorite daughter.



OK the oddest thing just happened while I was sitting here typing this. I was looking at the picture of me with my mom and sisters and thinking to myself that I will never get used to seeing us without my sister Linda. There is just an empty space in every photo where she should be.

Suddenly I started hearing the Ohio State fight song! Mind you, Linda was a huge Buckeye fan....

Two years ago I ended up with a pair of Brutus Buckeye infant slippers that you squeeze it's head and it plays the fight song. (Don't ask, it's a long story how and why I have them!) These things have been in a bag in my computer room for well over a year now, and the bag is just sitting on the floor.

That's where the song was coming from. Nobody is in the computer room, nothing fell on the bag, there is no reason for that to suddenly start playing.

Except that maybe, Linda just let me know that she's here. Maybe not in the picture...but still here in my life.

Thanks, sis. I needed that today.

Cash for Clunkers?

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst part.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS...........I QUALIFY

How about You?

Weigh In Day! And Happy Birthday, Mom!

Are y'all sick of hearing about this yet? Just remember, you love me even when I'm high fiving myself! And don't forget, if you go back and read my very first post in April 2008, I started this blog in part to be accountable for trying to lose weight and get healthy. Yeah it took me a year to get started...but at least I'm doing it now.

Anyway...on to the important news!

This week's weigh in...down 2.9 lbs! Yay!!! Here's my new total...




I've lost 4.5" off my boobs, 4.5" off my waist, 4.5" off my hips (do we see a pattern here?) and 1 3/4" off my upper arms. Oh, and 2 dress sizes.

I was so excited, today I could fit into my Divorce Pants!

Four years ago, during the Summer from Hell when I was separating and divorcing, I lost 30 lbs in about 6 weeks from the stress. I bought this pair of really cute jean capris, but needless to say by the time the following summer rolled around, I had gained it all back and they didn't fit. So they've been hanging in my closet ever since.

When I started Weight Watchers on April 9th, I tried those pants on, with a goal of fitting into them before summer was over. Every couple of weeks I've tried them on to gauge where I was in my goal.

This morning I saw them hanging there and thought I'd give it a shot and see if they were getting close. Last time I tried them on, I could pull them up as long as I slathered my thighs with vaseline but couldn't button or zip.

As I pulled them on today and they slid up my body easily I was like "hmmmmm...?" and then voila...they snapped and zipped with no problem!

I was so psyched!

I wore them to work and was prancing all around like the closet supermodel I am. Work it, girl! Haha

I'm a size 16 again! I can go into regular stores and buy things! Yay!!!!!

And...I've done it slow and healthy. I'm proud of me!

Still got a ways (weighs?) to go until I'm a size 12. That's my true goal.

But damn, I'm halfway there! Size 20 gone. Size 18 gone.

Size 16. Check.

But not for long.

Oh...and by the way, today is my Mom's 85th birthday. I'll post pictures about it tomorrow. Happy birthday Mommy...I love you dearly.

Ooh, I wanna take a bite out of that!

So evidently the new trend these days is Divorce Parties complete with Divorce Cakes.

Now, I had neither back on September 28, 2005. But I did drink that day. In fact I haven't stopped drinking since....

Makes you wonder how a woman can celebrate this long, doesn't it? LOL

Anyway, too bad I didn't have one of these at the time! Kim, if you are reading this, I think you can corner the market with your cake decorating skills on this idea!!!!

Enjoy!