Sex isn't supposed to be this funny.

The following is a true story as told to me by "she who shall remain anonymous" (to avoid complete embarrassment from my family and friends!), so for the purpose of this blog, their names have been changed to protect the sexually dysfunctional innocent.

So my good friend "Angelina" and her husband "Brad" were home alone last weekend. They have four children so they don't often have the house to themselves, and when they do, they take full advantage. Meaning...they strip off the clothes and don't come up for air til one of the offspring return.

From this point the story is going to have to get kind of graphic so bear with me, I'll try to be as delicate as I can!

OK so Angie and Brad are having a good old time, and Brad has "taken a trip to Florida", which is our code word for going south....you get my drift, and Angie is completely enjoying Brad's tour of the land!! Naturally, that particular part of their evening progresses to the main event, and afterwards, Brad falls asleep on top of Angie. Typical, right?

So being the good wife that she is, she lets him lay there sleeping until she can no longer breathe (she's maybe 125 lbs and he probably comes in at 220) but in the meantime, she starts noticing this burning like pain coming from Florida the lowest part of The Promised Land. She tries wiggling around under him to pinpoint the location of the burn/pain and all she can determine is that it is external and down very low, but not internal. This has her stumped.

Eventually it really starts bothering her, so she wakes Brad up, and as he gets off of her, he raises up and sits back on his knees, right? They both happen to look down...and there is this string of white stuff leading from his johnson to her va-jay-jay! As she described it to me, it wasn't just like a filmy white stuff, it was a solid white string of something!

She's looking at him, he's looking at her, and they are both wondering just what exactly the other one has and is there a medication for it? She's like "Dude, it's coming out of you!" and he says "No, it's coming out of YOU!".

So he proceeds to pull on the string of white stuff.

And pull.

And pull.

Now picture him, sitting on his knees, pulling this string of some unknown but kind of frightening thing that is connecting his private parts to his wife's, and he's pulling it in a hand over hand method like he's reeling in a boat or something!

And he keeps pulling.

And suddenly they both realize...

....wait for it....

it's his gum.

Yes, you read that right.

Evidently when he was down there pleasuring his wife, he forgot he had gum in his mouth, and at some point that he doesn't recall, it fell out...and then as they were going at it, he was basically grinding it into her skin/hair in that area waaaay down below!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So to make this story even funnier, once they stopped laughing (and believe me, Angie says they were crying from laughter), the poor girl realizes she's got gum stuck in those tiny little hairs at the base of her va-jay-jay and that's what was burning/hurting...every time she moved it pulled at them and it was like getting a bikini wax or something.

Cut to the next scene, and Angie and Brad are now on the bed putting ice on the gum, trying to harden it to pull it off of her and not rip her skin off! That didn't work, so they tried peanut butter, and every other remedy you've heard of to remove gum, and he's like "Just shave it off" and she said "It's skin! The gum is stuck in invisible little hairs, there is nothing to shave!!!!"

OMG, I laugh just thinking about it.

Eventually, they got it removed but could not go to sleep because they kept giggling about how this could have happened, and the looks on their faces when they both thought the other one had some God awful disease!

As she relayed this story to me, and after I picked myself up off the floor and was able to contain myself enough to ask questions, I was like "Did he get down there and realize he had gum in his mouth, and park it on your inner thigh for later, or what??"

She said what's worse is that he said as he finished up down there, and before he climbed on top of her, he noticed some unusual white stuff in the area, but didn't have his glasses on and thought he'd just done such a good job she was frothing! OMG...LOL...I just burst out laughing as I typed that!!!!! Frothing???? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

And of course, the obvious joke that she now is Dentyne fresh in that area. As I told her, Brad's new claim to fame is that he can go down on his wife and come up with the freshest breath in town.

Ah yeah, good times.

She may never top me with the dysfunctional husband stories, but I think she is now head of the hilarious sex department.