The calm before the storm

Ever go through one of those periods where things are too quiet? Maybe I've just been on an emotional rollercoaster for so long with the ex that when I'm not being thrown around and feel like I'm hurtling through space, ready to throw up...it feels weird! Life just seems really quiet right now...don't get me wrong, I don't need it shaken up! At least not in a bad way!!!

Not much exciting this weekend. Went to a wedding Friday night, one of our former employees got married, so my boss and co-worker (David and Amanda) and David's partner Jeffrey and I all went to the wedding. Did I mention it was a DRY wedding? Jen married a guy who's family is uber religious, I guess, and they do not have alcohol at weddings....so while the wedding was dry, my new big black Coach purse wasn't! I had 22 airplane bottles of Smirnoff Vodka and Maker's Mark in it, and between the four of us we polished off all but one bottle! We had the covert operation down pat....before the dinner when we were outside on the patio, I was sitting on a bench and whoever needed a drink would stand in front of me talking (effectively blocking the view of me to all other guests), while holding his/her glass down in front of them while I poured a bottle of booze into it. Once we got inside, I just made the trips up to the beverage center to get soft drinks, and then would beeline into the restroom on my way back to the table to light 'em up. It all worked out fine....

Saturday, did some shopping at Kohl's and later around 5:30 our server went down at work, and I ended up having to meet the ex here to deal with it. That's always fun. Grabbed a bite to eat and went to his house and watched Rambo, and then was home by midnight.

Speaking of my ex house, can I just say that I have a love-hate relationship with it? When we bought that house, it was my dream home. Big, beautiful, roomy, new, it was everything I never imagined I'd own. We closed on it and moved a week after my sister's funeral. The day we closed and got the key, I remember walking around the house crying, because I had shown Linda pictures of it the day before we lost her, and I kept saying how she'd love it and I couldn't wait for her to see it, and I remember her saying "I'll see it, I promise". So there I was, walking around looking up at her and saying "See my big bedroom? See my fireplace?" and just sobbing that she would never be in that house with me.

But we moved in, and I fell in love with it. We had an 11' lighted Xmas tree in the living room those first holidays, we had everyone there for a few days because that was the year of the big ice storm and we were the only ones in the family who had electric! The first summer in the house I had big beautiful hanging baskets on the front porch, and I took so much pride in keeping the house clean and gorgeous, and was starting to get it decorated the way we wanted it to be. I was very proud of my home. I loved that house.

And then hell broke loose, and my marriage fell apart and I had to move out. I wanted to stay...this was my dream home, dammit...but I couldn't really afford it by myself, and Jordan wanted to move back to Gahanna anyway. Plus, there were just too many memories there to have to live with.

Now, when I go back there, and it's no longer my house, I really love/hate it. I love it because it was everything I once wanted, and I hate it because it was taken away from me. I walk in the door and I instantly get very tense because there is the furniture we bought together (I took nothing with me when I left...other than my clothes and the guest bedroom furniture), there are all the things/spaces I decorated, there are memories in every single room of that house...memories from good days, early in our marriage, and memories from bad days when it all ended. When I'm there, it's like a bad movie playing in my head. And what's worse, is that I can't ever forget that he had sex with that whore who helped break up our marriage, in our bed, in our house. That makes me want to puke.

Anyway...my ex house has been up for sale for over 2 years now. There is a part of me that will undoubtedly walk around the empty house the day he moves out and cry just like I did the day we got the keys to it. I will cry now as I did then, for all that I'd lost, and all that would never be in the that house. But at least I will also be happy, because that chapter, as so many others have in the book of my marriage, will finally have closed.