Ready, Aim, Fire.

I am no longer having a love affair with my scale. The lazy ass thing won't hold up it's end of the bargain. Our deal is...I eat right, and it's supposed to move in a downward motion.

I've done my part.

Mr. Scale, on the other hand, is quite uncooperative.

I'm gonna shoot the fucker worthless piece of crap.

That's right. Two straights weeks of ZERO weight loss.

Let me repeat that. Zero. Nada. Zilch.

We are not amused.

Granted, it's better than a weight gain. I am thankful for that.

But when you stick to plan, work so hard at losing the weight, and the fat refuses to break up with you...it's time to take drastic measures.



Dana, I need to borrow your gun.

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Hump Day!

I'm so over the hoopla

Please tell me that after the freak show hoopla funeral of Michael Jackson today, the media will move on to far more important things??

Listen, I'm sorry the man died. I hate to see anyone's life end. But for the love of God, he was a singer, not a saint!

I heard Al Sharpton talking about how MJ should at the very least be immortalized on a postage stamp (huh?) and that we as a nation should take a moment of silence to honor him...oh and maybe a national holiday as well.

Are you kidding me?

Hello! Does anybody but me remember that while the man might have had hit records and a lucrative entertainment career...

...he was a walking freak show, oh and...a pedophile??

Come on!

We have servicemen and women sacrificing their lives every single day, and there are people who actually think anything Michael Jackson did is more important than that?

Reverand Al, get your priorities straight.

Michael Jackson may have "changed" the face of pop music, but you know what? So did Madonna. And while most of my gay friends will call in sick when she dies, I don't expect a national holiday to be declared then either.

Let's save those days for people who really deserve the honor, shall we?

Where's my winning lottery ticket?

I'd like to retire early. Say...tomorrow.

I love having a long weekend, but I sure hate going back to work.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I have a great boss who makes going to work every day enjoyable, for the most part. I can dress casually, nobody cares if I'm on time or not, and I don't have anybody breathing over my shoulder.

But I'm tired of not being well off!

You know what I mean? I don't need millions...I really don't. I'm not that greedy. I'd just like to have enough money to pay off my bills and live comfortably.

And only work if I felt like it.

I suppose it would help my odds in the lottery if I actually bought a ticket. Let's face it, that purchase would increase my odds of winning 100%! I just never think about doing it.

Of course I could also make it my mission in life to make sure my next husband is financially hung. That would be nice.

Truth is, in this economy I really am grateful to have a job. I work for a very high end interior design firm, and we are a luxury item. Fortunately, our clients like luxury and our business has done surprisingly well this year. So don't get me wrong, I am very lucky to have an income, and I do not take it for granted.

What would I do with millions in lottery winnings, anyway?

(I have a list, just in case it ever happens!)

It's kind of nice to fantasize about it though, isn't it? I would, of course, share it with my family and friends. I doubt that I'd buy a huge house or anything like that. Although I imagine something on the beach would get purchased quickly! I'd do a lot of traveling, for sure. (Dar, when it happens, I'm taking us around the world!) I wouldn't be one of those winners who blow through all of their money and then is bankrupt 2 years later. I'd definitely make sure it lasted for the rest of my life, and hopefully Jordan's too.

So tell me, what would you do with your winning lottery ticket?

Fireworks!!!!

Happy July 4th!!!

So the date last night....

It was okay. He's a very nice guy, charming and entertaining. Not sure if we'll go out again or not though. Might just be more of a friend situation than a dating one. But we'll see...

Hey....it's a start right? Getting my feet wet in the dating pool again.

Spilling the beans

I have a date tonight.

Just thought I'd let you know.

"Met" him 6 months ago, wasn't in the right frame of mind and backed away from him. Finally this week I put it out there (via my blog etc.) that I'm ready to move on...and feel free to send me a guy!

Next morning, I had an email from him. "Hey, I'm back...are you ready to go out with me yet?"

I figure he's been put directly in front of me twice now, and maybe Somebody knows something about him that I don't and that's why He keeps trying to hook us up.

So I said okay.

Meeting at Martini Park for drinks. I'll let you know how it goes.

In other news...

Had dinner with my two besties last night, Elizabeth and Dr. Penny. It was the first time Penny got to see her artwork on my back, and she loved it. After dinner, she came back to my house and spent the night, and we stayed up til 2am laughing til our faces hurt.

No big plans for the 4th. How about you?

More Texts From Last Night. I can't help myself.

Don't worry, I won't post the really disgustingly hilarious nasty ones, even though they bring tears to my eyes. I won't let my blog get that down and dirty!

Here you go, some of my recent favorites. Enjoy!


(406): we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

(870): I look better un-naked...

(313): sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
(1-313): but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.

(585): She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
(585): Aren't divorce parties fun?
(1-585): You and I have very different definitions of fun.

(281): I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy

(215): Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
(610): Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.

(407): Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot

(520): But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

(850): JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

(860): And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds

(704): I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
(803): Genius.

(253): I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
(281): No. Just liquor. Time's no good.

(812): If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

(770): If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day. (Julie's Note....Deb? Does this work?)

(405): I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...

(317): when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single

(913): Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

(813): I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?

(662): Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
(780): I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

(908): Are you okay?
(508): Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.

(972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

(570): I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better

(347): Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service. (OMG, I can't believe I just posted that. But it made me laugh out loud.)

(404): Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again. (OMG! I can't believe I posted that either!)

(416): Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.

(360): is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
(503): Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?

(281): i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy

(618): for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.

Wordless Wednesday

Writer's Block and other mental issues

I have writer's block today.

It's not often that I'm speechless, or have nothing to voice my opinion on, so this might be a banner day for me!

But I've got nothing to say.

I started writing this blog as therapy after my divorce, and used it as an outlet to vent my frustrations and channel some energy in a more productive way than sitting around smoking and drinking and whining.

Now, 14 months later, life has improved dramatically. I don't spend time with my ex like I used to, therefore the roller coaster has become a merry go round...everything just goes along calmly, steadily. I expended so much energy on him all the time that now I am trying to figure out what excites ME. What I feel passionate about. What are the things I want to do with my life now?

Frankly, I'm a little bored!

I've got my eating under control and am no longer using food for comfort. I'm losing weight and feeling good, so I can't complain.

I still haven't learned to like exercise, let alone LOVE it. It's a struggle all the time for me to go to the gym. It's definitely not something I am passionate about doing.

I've pierced my nose, gotten a new tattoo, and grown some fierce tomato plants. I've been to Vegas, I've thrown a graduation party, I've planted a lot of flowers and I've maintained my clean house.

And yet...still bored.

However, I think I tend to relate that to being lonely.

I don't mind being alone. My son rarely spends a night at home anymore and I've learned to sleep ok at night with him gone. I feel like I live alone and he just drops by on occasion when he's not at work. I'm okay with being on my own, and having the freedom to watch what I want to on TV, to eat cereal for dinner, and come and go as I please without having to be a full time parent.

But I am so lonely it's palpable.

I miss dating. I miss intimacy. I miss flirting. I miss hand holding, and making out like teenagers. I miss sweet text messages and phone calls and surprise flowers. I miss...well, you know what I miss the most. *That* goes without saying!

The bottom line is, I miss being in love.

And unfortunately, that's what I am passionate about.

As we all know, I haven't had very good luck meeting guys on the Internet. (However I am great at meetng women on here!!!) My friends are all married, their friends are all married, and I don't do the bar scene.

(You know, for someone with writer's block, this is turning into an awfully long post!)

For the record, I really am happier than I've been in a long time. I finally feel good about myself again, and am happy with where I am in life.

I just want to share that with someone.

I'm ready. I really, really am.

So collectively I want you all to send a few prayers out in to the Universe for me, that I find Mr. Right. I know he's out there and he's making his way to me.

Could you just pray that he drives a fast car so he gets here soon?

By the way....

My son updated his blog. He's had a few changes in his life and I'm quite proud of him...

So I got this card in the mail.

It is a beautiful, touching, handmade card.

And it came from Florida.

So here is the front:



And I'm thinking to myself...wow, how pretty is this??? What a dear friend I have who will make me a card so beautiful and send it to me.

Then I saw the inside:



Now, make sure you read the sentiment closely:



Bitch? BITCH? Who are you calling a bitch, lady?!?!?!?!?!

I laughed out loud so hard I spit Diet Pepsi out of my nose.

That's my Dana. My pseudo aunt, my funny friend, my blogging buddy, my sarcastic sister.

Isn't it funny how you "meet" people online and you just feel like you've known them forever? And more importantly, you "get" each other. I have been very blessed at this point to have met Linda and Darlene in person, and I know they will be my forever friends. I will finally get to meet Deb and Jill and Georgie and a few others in October, and again, I have no doubt that lifelong friendships will be cemented.

I have not met Dana yet, but when she gets her sorry ass back to her real life in Indiana and stops playing "fake retired couple" in Florida, I plan on a weekend at her house, getting shooting lessons among other things.

She gets me. I get her. She's the same age as my sister Linda who I lost, and in ways I feel like she's been sent to me to fill in the empty space in my heart. They have such similar personalities, and Linda always laughed at my absurdness and loved me no matter what mistakes I made.

She can send me cards like this knowing I will not take it wrong or read far more into it than she ever meant.

Frankly, it's clear that she recognizes a bitch when she sees one.

So look closely, "Aunt" Dana. This one is just for you....

Snatch

Sitting here, spending Sunday afternoon with my roommate son, who I rarely see anymore, and he's watching "Snatch", by one of his favorite directors.

I'm not watching it.

Except for the parts where Brad Pitt is shirtless. Oy vey. What a 12 pack. I can *almost* forgive him for cheating on Jennifer Anniston solely because he's so hot.

And then Jason Statham is in this movie too. It's a win win for me.

I love my son's taste in movies.

Breathing hard and sweaty

....and yet no nudity involved. Sigh.

Have I mentioned that I hate exercising?

Clearly, by looking at me, it's not something I've ever made a habit of doing. I've never been into sports...playing them, that is....and I once paid monthly membership to a gym for a year and a half and never walked through their doors.

But I am finally accepting the fact that I have to incorporate movement into my current weight loss plan.

And I am NOT happy about it.

Everyone says once you get into it, you'll learn to love it. Frankly I don't see that happening. But I'm willing to give it a shot.

So I'm headed to the gym. Hopefully I will find a class or two that appeal to me, as I think I will do better in a group setting than just being left to my own devices.

If you have paid attention to my weight loss ticker, I am trying to lose 75 lbs. When you need to lose an Olsen like that, there's bound to be some flabby skin leftover, so I really need to firm up the muscles underneath the fat on my way down the scale.

:::Wonder how long I can continue putting off going to the gym this morning by writing this blog post?::::

So tell me, do you work out? If so, what do you do to keep yourself entertained? Did you hate it at first and learned to love it? Or do you have to force yourself to do it?

Oooh looky!!!!




I hit the 20 lb. mark this morning! Yay me!!!

By the way, look how big my tomato plants are!!! Remember, I'm 5'8" so these are pretty tall. And this was earlier in the week....I looked at them last night and they were up to my shoulders! They're ridiculous!

How to use the drive up ATM

First things first....Happy 50th Birthday, Suzanne!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you, and I wish you a wonderful day of being 50 and Fabulous!!!!! Fifty is the new thirty, you know. We are SO much younger than we think!

Now, on to today's business.


There was a new sign in the Bank Lobby today that read:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw the card.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page..
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Come on ladies, you know you see yourselves in this description. I sure did!

It's not great, but I'll take it.

So today was weigh in day.

The bad news is that I only lost .7 of a pound this week.

The good news is that I've lost 18.2 lbs so far!

After 11 weeks on Weight Watchers, I have noticed a trend. Every other week I lose less than a pound. Then the next week I lose 2-3 lbs. So I knew this was this going to be my "off week".

It still annoys me to see less than a pound, but I figure as long as the scale is going down in any increment, I'm winning the war.

Still got a long way to go, but I'm getting there. Slow and steady evidently wins this race. I just remind myself every day it's a marathon, not a sprint.

And next week I will hit the 20 lb. loss mark. Yay me!!!!

Questions that I need answers to.

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest?

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?

Why is a boxing ring square?

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" when we are already there?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Can an ambidextrous person make an off-handed remark?

Could it be that boulders are statues of big rocks?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Why do "tugboats" push?

Do bleached blondes pretend to have more fun?

If a man speaks, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?

How can "quite a lot" and "quite a few" mean the same thing?

If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

How is it that we put men on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in," but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?

Why do we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up 10 times every hour?

Why do thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?

Sooner or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?

How can the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?

And last but not least....

If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

New old friends.

I had such a great time last night meeting up with my old (and I mean that in longevity of friendship, not age!) childhood friend LeeAnn.

Here we are on the patio at Bar Louie, drinking cocktails and chatting about old times.



We had lots of talking to do! She remembers that it's been 28 years since we saw each other last, I on the other hand didn't even remember that I was at her first wedding way back in 1981! (Is that the right year, Pip?) In my defense, most of the 80's were a blur to me, so cut a sister some slack here!

It was so great to get caught up on each other's lives. Turns out we've tried to find each other before and somehow never did. But we've also vowed not to lose touch again, and I am really looking forward to having her back in my life. We were inseparable up until she moved away her sophomore year of high school, so we have lots of time to make up for. Because, you know we've been out of high school like a hundred or so ten years now. I mean, I'm 28...she's 29. We just happen to have mature facial expressions.

And you know what one of the best things of the night was? Finding out that she can go toe to toe with me in the dysfunctional marriage stories! We had NO shortage of material, trust me!

Frankly, I am not sure I can compete with her ex and the Anthrax. I'm just sayin. Someone finally may have trumped me in the "Marriage and Misery both begin with M" arena....

It's Moanday now, but that's temporary!

Here is what life with back problems (aka herniated disks) is like:

Go to bed (alone) feeling fine.

Wake up (alone) stiff, sore, and unable to walk in an upright position.

Can somebody tell me what I did in my sleep last night that left me in this shape this morning? Granted, I was having a pretty wild sex dream about an old boyfriend (who, trust me, was NEVER that good in bed or he would not be an ex!) but I'm pretty sure I wasn't physically acting it out in my sleep.

Sigh.

Then I wake up an hour earlier than necessary (6:30am is NOT my friend), get up to make myself a cup of coffee, and some mystery glass item in my pantry falls onto the cement tile and shatters everywhere. That was fun to clean up when I can barely move.

And THEN I walk into my living room and trip over....nothing. That's right...nothing. I tripped on air evidently. Went flying into the coffee table and banged the crap out of my knee.

Now you see why it's Moan-day for me.

BUT...being the ever optimistic person that I am (LOL...even I couldn't say that with a straight face!), it will get better from here. This will be the worst part of my day, right?

Check this out....a couple of weeks ago I started thinking about one of my childhood friends. Haven't seen her in a good 30 years, but as youngsters we were as tight as you could be. You know how you always wonder what ever happened to someone from your past, and think about how nice it would be to reconnect? I started thinking about LeeAnn and just hoping and wishing her well, having no clue how to find her or even who to ask.

And out of the clear blue last week I get an email from her.

How great is that? She'd gone back to our hometown, ran into someone and started talking about people and I'm not sure if he knew where to find me, or it just started her thinking about me, but she ended up Googling me, found my blog and my email address and wrote to me!

And tonight, we are meeting for drinks after work! I'm so excited to see her!!!!

So let the ibuprofen kick in so my back will stop hurting, because I intend to have a great day at work and a very fun happy hour!!!!!

Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

I love you, and I miss you very, very much.

Oh, and Happy Anniversary as well. You and Mom have been married 63 years today. And same to my sister Sue Ellen and her husband Chuck, they got married on my parents 39th anniversary, so they've been in wedded bliss for 24 long years now. LOL...

Saturday Vent.

What the hell is Blogger's problem?

I'm about ready to move to Wordpress, because seriously, I am tired of my blog not loading correctly, or getting "aborted" error messages, etc. None of my reading list shows up down the right side half the time, which makes it really freaking hard to visit my blogging buddies.

It's happening consistently and I'm just about done with it.

Oh, and my followers are back down to 199, I see. Guess I pissed 5 people off this week. Didn't like my tattoo? What????

It's a cloudy day in Ohio, which means no pool time today. Sigh. Doesn't the Universe realize that I look better with a tan?

I'm cranky. I think I need to go back to bed. Somebody seriously has her panties in a wad this morning.

Is 8:48am too early to start drinking?