And we're back.

Returned safe and sound (and tanned and burned, depending on which one of us you are talking to) from our cruise.

A great time was had by all...it truly was the trip of MY lifetime. So far at least!

I'll do a blog post with more details and pics later this week, I'm trying to get back into the swing of things and adapt to this damn cold weather in Ohio.

I miss 85 degrees, sun, flip flops, and cocktails on the beach.

(That's my 50th birthday margarita and it was GOOD.)

So this is what FIFTY feels like?

Greetings from Costa Maya, Mexico!

That's where I am today, turning FIFTY. Woohoo!

I'll post pictures later when I sober up. LOL But so far, so good. I'm fifty and fabulous, baby. And having the time of my life.

And....we're off!

Caribbean here we come!

Flying to New Orleans tomorrow, and the cruise leaves from there Sunday.

You have no idea how excited I am! I have total work ADD....I can't concentrate on anything! Tonight we're celebrating my birthday early with friends at a local bar, but I'm hoping to maintain some sense of sobriety so that I don't have to fly hungover tomorrow!

I'll try and post once next week from one of the ports we're in (Costa Maya on my birthday Tuesday, then Belize, then Honduras, then Cozumel and back to New Orleans Sunday).

Until then, just imagine me with a tropical drink in one hand, being fanned with big palm fronds by my boyfriend a hot cabana boy, eating seafood and celebrating turning the BIG FIVE OHHHHHH.

Love you all, see you in a week!

I had a little Irish in me this weekend....

OK I admit it, I was over served this weekend.

It was my friend Danica's annual St. Patrick's Day party. This was us when we left the house:

Yeah, we had on matching shirts. So? (insert gag factor here)

At the party, there were these amazing Gummy Bears soaked in vodka. Who knew you could make the equivalent of Jello Shots in that cute little format?

Yeah, you soak them in vodka for a week, and they kinda swell up and have the consistency of Jello.  So fun!

You can eat A LOT of these and have no idea they're affecting you until suddenly you're drunk.

I was about 20 Gummy Bears in at this point:

I was verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry happy. LOL

Here's Danica and Elizabeth and me:

This one was a bottle of wine, 6 Jello Shots, and a thousand Gummy Bears later.  I stopped letting people take my photo after that. Hopefully Danica doesn't have any incriminating ones of me that I'm not aware of.

This week is going to be crazy busy, trying to get everything done at work that I need to do, plus pack for the cruise.

Six More Days. OMG.

Ten Days...Ten Days!!!!!!

So frickin excited.

We leave on the cruise in ten days.

I can't believe it's here already! It seems like just yesterday I posted the countdown clock, and there were 170 days or something! And now...ten.

NO excursions booked yet. Sigh. We can't seem to get our act together to do so.

But we upgraded to a cabin with a balcony (the cruise came with an inside cabin, and I'm way too claustrophobic for that!) so that will be nice.

Still tanning - not a lot of color change yet. I am still bitter that everyone in my family tans a golden bronze color (including my own child) but not me. Fair and freckled. It takes WORK to get a tan on this body. And we all know tanned fat is so much more attractive. LOL

Omigosh. Ten days. I haven't been this excited since....well...I don't know when!

All We Are Is Ducks In The Wind

Funniest. Video. Ever.

Bless their little windswept hearts!

Now that's some Passion Fruit

Try to eat that one like you do a banana. I dare you.

Ooooh the countdown is officially ON!

It's March, people! You know that means...

19 days til our cruise. Yay!

21 days til I turn fifty forty ten! Yay!

(WTF am I yaying that for?)

We're going to sit down tonight and pick out excursions to do on the cruise. Got any suggestions? Other than swimming with the dolphins. While I'd love to do that, he's already done it with his last girlfriend (he's been on this ship before...sigh....I'm trying to forget that I know that) and so I'm all about making NEW memories, not reliving the old ones.

I want to do a zip line thing through the rainforest/jungle/whatever the hell all that crap is called in Belize and Honduras. He's a little iffy on that because he's afraid of heights. So am I, but I've decided that if I'm going to be fifty forty ten, I should start this new decade overcoming fears right?

In other news...I've started my pre-cruise tanning. Yeah yeah yeah, I know it's bad for me. So is getting fried by the Caribbean sun, which I will be out in for seven days. With all the other shit I've done to my body over the years, and crap I put into it, I'm fairly certain a tanning bed isn't what's gonna kill me in 40 years.

Oooh, and I did some cruise clothes shopping this weekend! Got us both new bathing suits, and him new shorts and shirt, and me a slinky sex long halter dress for my 50th birthday dinner (damn, there's that F word again!) It makes me look like my boobs are ginormous as you can see, and yes I have on a shrug thingy with it....I'll brave the halter part when the bat wings under my upper arms are tanned. LOL

Let's see, I think that's all the news for now. I'll be back later with updates on what excursions we picked!

This will NEVER be acceptable in my world.

I can tolerate a lot of things.

But this...no.

Someone needs to tell my beloved boyfriend that if he insists on wearing this type of thing on his feet, he will be doing so as a single man.

(NO, this is not a picture of him. I just found one online as an example of the horror.)

He tried this once. Oh yes he did. Snuck one by me. I was blinded by love, I tell ya.

This fall, when he had a comedy gig, I didn't realize until we got there that he had these frickin sandals on with dark socks.

Thank God he had jeans on to basically cover up his feet, but still. Had I noticed them, he'd have never left the house like that.

I. Don't. Do. Nerd.

I'm sorry, I just don't. I was married to a total computer geek but at least he had decent taste in footwear.

(That's one of the few good things I have to say about the man.)

So please, somebody warn my guy that if he insists on wearing sandals with socks, we will not be seen in public together.

And could you please warn him BEFORE we set sail to the Caribbean in 23 days? If he's okay with this look, I'm truly fearing the rest of the Cruise Couture.

You don't wanna piss these girls off

Thanks to my buddy Coffypot for letting me steal this. OK it's not like he had a choice, I did it without asking. I can outrun him.

27 days.

I. Can't. Wait.

Seven Years.

(Our last picture together. Ignore the wedding dress...I do!)

In loving memory of my sister Linda. There hasn't been a day in the past seven years that I haven't thought of you, and missed you like crazy.

I know Jordan misses her too. From the time he was a baby, she was his "Nina" (he couldn't say Linda when he was little, so he called her Nina, and then it sorta stuck as a description of who she was to him....as in "that's my Nina". And he was Gordo....(not really my favorite nickname for Jordan!) and I was "The Jewel".

I know I tell you guys all the time how much I miss her. I can tell you with total honesty that time doesn't heal anything, it just helps you accept your new normal without someone. I think of Linda every day, and I feel her with me all the time. There is a very big hole in our family where she should be, and our lives have never been the same without her. And I miss her like nobody's business.

So today, I hope she's in heaven with a box of her favorite red wine, a pack of Merit cigarettes, and some Carly Simon blaring on the radio, and knowing without a doubt how desperately we wish she were here.

You are loved, my dear. Today, tomorrow, and forever.

Love, Jewel and Gordo

Do NOT Try This At Home. I Repeat....DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

First and foremost...Jordan, if you are reading this, exit out of it now and go to class. This is NOT for your eyes. Trust me on this one.

Okay so yesterday was Valentine's Day, right? A day for lovers. And something crazy happened to two people very close to me..... "my friends" Angelina and Brad. (No, it's not Michael and me. I would never divulge something this personal about US in a public forum. It's Brad and Angie. Go with it.)

This was Brad and Angie's first Valentine's Day together and as such, Angie thought it would be fun to spice things up a bit during their sleepover.

So she got Brad the above referenced KY Yours & Mine as a gift. Now, according to the box, here's what's supposed to happen:

His excites. Hers delights. Together feel them ignite. What is it? It takes two lubricants to make chemistry, to make magic, to make love. An invigorating warming sensation for him. A thrilling tingling sensation for her. Put the two together for a totally new, unexpected experience. It's more exciting. More satisfying. More everything.

Sounds fantastic! They decided to give it a whirl!

Cut to their bedroom, and things are heating up if you get my drift. So there they were, all primed and ready to rock, so Angie puts Brad's stuff on him, which is supposed to generate the "warming" effect, and he applies hers, which is the anticipated "tingling" effect and off they go.

Fairly quickly Angie remembers thinking "OK, I don't really feel tingling. It's more cold than anything else." But she carries on, and waits for the tingling to start, assuming Brad is feeling the "warmth" that his was supposed to deliver. Meanwhile, she's getting colder and colder down there, like somebody is rubbing an ice cube all over her.

After about 5 minutes, Brad stops and says "Baby, I don't feel anything" and Angie was like "I know! I don't feel tingling or anything either" and he says "No, I mean I don't feel *anything*. I'm numb". LOLOLOLOL

Angelina started laughing and said "OMG, so am I! I thought it was just me! It's so cold down there, yet it's like a burning cold if that makes sense!!", to which Brad responds "Tell me about it, I feel like I'm fucking Peppermint Patty" and they officially lost it. At this point they were laughing so hard they were crying, and lamenting how their "special first Valentine's night" hadn't quite turned out the way they planned.

So after about 15 minutes, Brad says "OK let's see if it's worn off an we can make something happen now" and attempts to head south, thinking he will rev Angie up with a little foreplay, at which time she starts screaming "No, don't do that! You'll end up with your entire mouth numb like you've just had a root canal!" The visual in both of their heads of him coming up for air with a face full of Novacaine sends them into convulsions of laughter and promptly puts an end to Geezer's Gone Wild Night.

Eventually they give up on the idea of their sexy Valentine's romp, and decide that at this age, it's best to stick with the tried and true stuff and leave the experimenting to the younger crowd.

Consider this a public service announcement. You're welcome.

You give me a raging heart on.

Happy Valentine's Day, baby! You color my world with love....

(OMG, seriously....I've become "that girl", who is cheesy and sickening on Valentine's Day? Egads. For those of you hurling on my blog right now, I feel you. I'd do the same if it wasn't me who's all smushy and lovey dovey and crazy mad for this man!)

Ain't love grand?

More fun for your typographical pleasure

Happy Friday!

I am sooooooooooo trying this tonight.

You have NO sense of humor if this doesn't make you laugh out loud today!


Recently I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went down...

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:


When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said...


What's for dinner, Zorro?"

This happens to me all the time....

For those of you with iPhones, you know how easily the auto correct spelling feature can get you in trouble! Here's a few great examples of what can happen...

Have you had any funny missteps with your auto correct features?