Happy Anniversary, Hot Stuff!

Dear Big T:

I'm not good with cards, especially mushy ones (we both know who the romantic one in this relationship is, and it's not this girl).

I contemplated showing you my love through interpretive dance, but then quickly realized that could be your deal breaker, thus making this our first and only anniversary.

So to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of us getting a second chance at Happily Ever After, I decided to do what I do best and write you a blog post.

Here goes:

On August 5, 2010, I came to see you at the Dolphin Lounge and watch you entertain the masses with your amazing humor and wit. And frankly, nothing says happy reunion like a dive bar in Gahanna. But I was quickly reminded why I fell in love with you fourteen years earlier. You make me laugh. And, you're really hot.

Two days later we went on our first real date....and it involved the Titanic. Now, some people might have seen that as a bad sign...but not us. We (and by we, I mean 'me') saw it as a great jumping off point for our new relationship, and we would either sink or swim. (OK I'm stretching it a little bit here, really I didn't give it a lot of thought until two months later when we booked a cruise, and then I got a little worried about starting this relationship out with a sinking ship and hoped it wouldn't end that way!)

The next day, I invited you to dinner with the family. Might as well get it out of the way right off the bat, right?

The next couple of weeks were spent getting to know each other again. And then one night we went to Cincinnati to gamble and have a great dinner....

....., and on the way home you made me an offer I couldn't refuse. For the sake of anyone else reading this, I won't detail that offer.

And that, my love, was when this thing kicked into high gear.

From that point on, we had a blast:

Sent the kid off to college:

But reminded ourselves where we started:

We went to Hocking Hills:

Gatsby's:

Another casino trip:

Making out somewhere during karaoke:

A hotel in Cincinnati where your 6 keeps showing up:

Went back to karaoke (Elizabeth is persuasive!)

Made out again:

Made out with friends this time:

But there's no grey area, it's all black and white with us, baby.

Celebrated my 50th:

And then really celebrated on the high seas:

You got bit by a Foo Dog:

And I got a vagina towel animal. WTF?

The number 6 was everywhere:

Except on my birthday. That was brought to you by the grossly inflated numbers 5 and 0...

We hung out in Costa Maya:

And Belize:

Had lots of fun in Roatan, Honduras:

....and I love you but you know I'm not letting a damn bird near ME:

Then it was on to Cozumel:

And the turtle tattoo idea was born:

One last picture in Cozumel:

And then it was our last night on the boat....

But we woke up in New Orleans on Bourbon Street:

We came home and made it official...and Big T & Little T were born.

We went to Luna Pier:

And Danica's wedding....

Spent July 4th in Granville....

....with our new Turtle Power friend.

Even got our cars into the act...

We lost someone we love, but I take great comfort in knowing she loved you dearly...and was so happy we found each other again.

And I know she's looking down on us, and smiling because we are together.

So this is my love letter to you.

Thank you for the best year of my life (so far). We've had a few bumps in the road, because let's face it, neither of us are perfect. But we are perfect for each other, and I've never been happier.

I can't promise you will ever get that hot Asian girl fantasy fulfilled, but I promise to give you my best in this relationship every single day.

Here's to this being the first of many amazing and wonderful years ahead of us.

I love you, baby.

Little T

There is hope for me yet.

I may still get to be a stripper.

Finding Our New Normal

Thanks everyone, for your kind words of sympathy in the loss of my Mom.

You know, I can't be sad. Mom had a long and lovely, happy life, and she is with Dad and Linda (my sister) and that makes me happy, if one can feel that emotion at a time like this.

I have a little story to share with you though....

Mom's favorite song was "At Last", by Etta James, she said it always reminded her of Dad. So about 10 minutes before she passed, I played it for her, because I knew wherever she was, she was on her way to dance with Dad again. The last line of the song "....and here we are, in heaven....for you are mine at last" was especially poignant to me.

So, Friday night after the memorial we had a family gathering out at my sister's house, and later that night when I was leaving, as I got in my car and started it, immediately "At Last" came on the radio (not something you hear a lot on XM!), followed by "Haven't Got Time for the Pain" by Carly Simon, who was my sister Linda's all time favorite artist! She was all Carly, all the time.

I just laughed, and took it as them telling me Mom made it okay, they were there together, and it's okay for me to go on and not hurt over it.

Funny how those things happen when you need them the most.

This one's for you, Mom. I hope you and Dad are still dancing.

She's dancing in heaven with Daddy now.

I lost my beautiful Mom yesterday.

She is finally with my Dad again, and my sister, and her parents and sister and friends who went before her, and I cannot be sad for that.

But not ever seeing her sweet little smile, or hearing her call me her baby....well that makes my heart hurt.

I love you Mom. You were an amazing mother to me, and I learned all I know about being a mom from you. Thank you for loving me like you did.

I will miss you every day of my life.

My favorite quote today

Frankly, this week sucks on so many levels.



I need a drink. Or 5.

Letting Go

As some of you know, Mom has been steadily declining the past couple of days. We have been with her and will continue to be until the end, whether that is today, or tomorrow, or whenever God is ready for her. My family hasn't posted anything on FB about her yet, so not everyone was aware of this.

A dear friend sent me a beautiful email earlier today that I wanted to share with you. Please keep my Mom in your thoughts and prayers for a peaceful passing. We love her dearly, but we know Dad and Linda are anxiously waiting for her.

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: “There, she is gone!”

“Gone Where?”

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: “There, she is gone!” there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: “Here she comes!”

And that is dying.

If you follow my buddy Dana at Life Is Good....

STOP right now.

She's no longer there.

(No, she didn't kick the bucket, for God's sake. She's just not blogging on her own blog anymore. LOL)

She was hacked, hijacked, whatever you want to call it, but her blog and email and all kinds of things were taken over by family fucktards people who had no business in her business.

She has a new blog now, so even if you see posts on Life Is Good, it's not her. So don't comment because she won't see them.

In an effort to protect my buddy, I will not post her new blog here. However if you are a follower and want to follow the new one, if you leave me a comment with your email address, I will make sure she gets a hold of you to hook you up.

Nobody deserves the crap she has been going through with "family", but like the Dana we all know and love, she's handling it with class, dignity, and a loaded .22 semiautomatic.

I kid, I kid.

It's a frickin shotgun. Don't mess with her, people.

Have a great weekend, all!

Mars versus Venus....there's no talking to either one!

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix.

The professor told his class one day, "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story.

You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely no talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:

Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,"he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle BEAM FLASHED out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.


(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped it's pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her Newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she wondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic WHOSE attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA???! Oh no, WHAT AM I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

A**hole

(Gary)

Bitch

(Rebecca)

F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ ......... I really liked this one.

Turtle Power 4th of July Style

....and a great weekend was had by all.

Way to damn near scare me to death, kid.

So, I had one of the worst times of my life yesterday.

Jordan and I were outside our house, and he was leaving to go run some errands, and I was picking up the trash cans from the end of the driveway to bring back to the house (yesterday was trash day, obviously). Literally, it was like 30 seconds after he pulled out of the driveway, and I had just walked up to my house when I heard the loudest, most horrific crash sound that I have ever heard in my life. I swear it almost shook the ground, the impact was so loud.

I knew immediately it was him. Just a mother's instinct I guess. I remember saying out loud "Oh God, no."

I turned and started running and thinking "OK has he had time to get through the light?" and then "OMG, what if someone broadsided him?. It was like slow motion, as I ran the block to the end of my street.

Then suddenly the neighbor boy is in front of me yelling "Miss Julie! Your son is in a wreck!" and pointing, and I starting panicking, because I had no idea how bad it was or if he was hurt. My 50 year old body has never ran so fast, and I have never prayed so hard, because I *heard* that crash, and I knew it wasn't a fender bender.

I turned the corner and all I saw was the back end of Jordan's car, and a car in front of him turned over and totaled. As I ran that block praying, all I could think was "Just let him be okay, God. Please just let him be okay". I swear it was the oddest sense of slow motion, I felt like I was running in place, like in a dream or something, and I couldn't seem to get to him fast enough.

Finally I saw my son standing off to the side and he was clearly okay. He had been at the red light, and some idiot across from him ran the light, and T-boned some poor 16 year old kid. That boy's car flipped over and hit Jordan's car, but by the grace of God it didn't roll again, or my son would be dead right now. Or gravely injured at the least.

I stopped running before I had a heart attack (LOL), and right then the cops and the paramedics showed up (we literally are two blocks from the police and fire stations in Gahanna), and thankfully everyone involved was okay. I am not sure how that young man crawled out of that overturned car with no injuries other than two scratches on his leg but he did.

Jordan was very upset, of course, that his car had been damaged, but as I tried to make him understand, it could have been SO much worse, and the car damage can be fixed. It's just a car, for heaven's sake. He could have lost his life or been permanently injured had he pulled 2' closer to the light or had been 2' further back because the rolling car would have crushed him either during the first roll, or would have rolled a second time, but thankfully his car was in the exact right spot to stop it from rolling again.

Here's a picture from the scene, Jordan's car is the red Mustang. You can't see the damage to the front end from this picture, but compared to the other two vehicles, it's not that bad.

I had a tough time last night, I just kept hearing the sound of that crash, and that boy saying "Your son's in a wreck". It was every parents worse nightmare and I keep reliving it over and over in my head. I am so thankful that he is okay, and that nobody was injured.

But I can tell you, that 60 seconds it took me to run two blocks was the worst minute of my life. I had no idea what I was going to see when I turned the corner and I have never prayed like I did in that moment.

Then, later I had half a bottle of wine and a Xanax. LOL Sometimes Mama's gotta do what she's gotta do to cope.

Vegas bound...and this time with someone I love!

So, Honey and I are headed off to Vegas, baby!

He got two free nights at M Casino & Hotel that have to be used by the end of September, and my boss was sweet enough to give us two of his Southwest Reward tickets so our flights are free too!

AND...I get to stay at LindaLand for two nights as well as hang with Vegas Linda Lou and her hottie man.

AND THEN....turns out Dr. Penny will be there that weekend too. We've talked about going to Vegas together for 30 years and it's finally happening. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

AND ONE MORE THING....you may or may not recall from THIS POST that two years ago I went to Vegas to meet Linda Lou and our other blogging buddy Darlene (aka Travel Girl). Well guess the hell what? Darlene (and I assume her honey too!) is going to come to Vegas while we're there!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you say....OMIGOD THIS IS GOING TO BE AMAZING????????

I am so damn excited I can't stand it! Three of my favorite women on the planet, all of whom I love like sisters, are going to be with me at the same time.

That is almost as good as a multiple...well, you know. Ooooooooooooooooo.

I'm excited for Linda and Darlene to meet Michael. I'm excited to see Penny, she's been gone like 9 months now and it will be a year by the time I see her out there. I'm excited to show Michael Vegas, as he's never been. And yeah we all know it's been a loooooooooooong time since I was out there with someone I love!!!!

So the countdown is on. 103 days. Can't wait!

Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day?



My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat..

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'


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Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

(Boy, this card would have come in handy back when I got married!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ...

I've changed my mind.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....

That you're not here to ruin it for me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!