I can't say Butterball with a straight face.

I expect you all to say at least one of these things during Thanksgiving dinner:

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

Thinking of you all at Thanksgiving and wishing you the Happiest Day!

I feel very blessed this year.  2010 has been wonderful to me in so many ways.  I have created an amazing life for myself, and am so lucky to have family and friends who surround me with love.

I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving, and as you count your blessings today please say a prayer for all of our servicemen and women who aren't with their families today, but are standing guard protecting ours.

Love to all...

This does not make me happy.

Sneezing. Coughing. Stuffy nose. Head feels like it's in a vice grip.

Oh, and to add insult to injury, I slept wrong and have a strained neck/back muscle.

Not happy today.

Would much rather stay home in bed today.

Is it wrong to enjoy this?

Friend: So yeah, your ex supposedly has a new girlfriend.

Me: Yeah? Good for him. I hope he's happy.

Friend: He posted it on FB. I clicked on it, but all that's there is her picture, no other info. Just her with red lipstick and a pink shirt. Sorta looks like him in drag.

Me: Did she come with a pump and a patch kit???

Friend: Hahahahahahahahahahha....no, the good ones are filled with foam.

Then my BFF saw the picture and chimed in:

Poor thing, she looks so innocent. Like a little pink sweatered lamb being led to slaughter.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! That made me laugh out loud.

What's new, you ask?

It's been awhile since I did an "it's all about me" update so in case you're wondering what's new....here goes.

First of all, I'm ridiculously in love (as you have probably noticed from my recent posts the past three months).

Sigh. Life is amazing. And love the second time around is phenomenal.

Seriously, I do consistently have this stupid smile on my face, and I'm okay with that. I spent a long time wondering if I'd ever feel this way again, and trust me, I'm perfectly happy letting the world know that, indeed...I am happier than I've ever been.

We're busy planning our holidays and juggling spending time with both of our families. His family lives in Toledo so we'll be going north a few times over the next couple of months.

And then, of course....our Caribbean cruise in 132 days. Yay! You have no idea how excited I am about that.

So yeah, madly in love. See it, imagine it, believe it....and it will happen.

I've adjusted to the empty nest thing better than expected. I thought it would be a lot harder. Of course I spend a lot of time just assuming Jordan is in his dorm room studying. And not out partying. Until I see those FB posts about Everclear. Sigh.

Speaking of my favorite kid, he's home right now because he's been sick for like two weeks, and I finally made him go to Urgent Care yesterday. They are thinking gastritis or possibly an ulcer. Either of which can be contributed to/inflamed by excessive drinking. Hello college life! Looks like somebody I know and love better start taking better care of his health....

Work is work. Hopefully the busy/crazy/6 months of hell is over and this last two months of the year will be calm and stress free. Wait...gotta kick my positive thinking into play. This last two months of the year WILL BE calm and stress free! (And if it's not, there's always wine.)

My Mom is hanging in there. I can't believe she's still with us, truly I'm shocked. She's continually losing weight, and she kind of goes up and down mentally and physically. Hospice seems to be taking great care of her. This past week hasn't been a very good one for her, and yesterday she talked to me again about how she can't wait to wake up and be with my Dad again, and see her parents and her sister and of course, my sister Linda. And I want that for her. She has no quality of life anymore. We can't even take her out (even if she had the strength to help us get her in and out of a wheelchair) because she's on oxygen full time. She gets up long enough to go to the dining room and eat, and the rest of the time she is in bed sleeping. Literally, she sleeps for about 22 out of 24 hours a day. I just wish her body would let go. Her mind, her soul, her heart are ready to move on. And I want what she wants.

I was going to end this update with some pictures taken this past couple of months. Goofy stuff.  However Blogger seems to want to only post them sideways.  While I don't mind, I didn't want you to get a crick in your neck and blame it on me.  So I'll figure it out and post 'em next time.

God, I love this life I have created for myself.  Why on earth didn't I do it sooner??

I think this was written just for me.

Funny how the road twists and turns in life.  But thank God for the ride!

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Think it, see it, say it.  BELIEVE IT. 

Done!

Something to remember.

‎"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith" ~Mary Manin Morrissey

I needed to read this right now.

If only this were true.

Happy Friday!

The answers you've been waiting for.....

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

(Now that's a funny short joke!)

Dance with me....

Happy Friday everyone! Get your dancing shoes on!

Going away this weekend with the honey for Sweetest Day. Looking forward to an amazing time with the man I love!

Might do a little dancing myself...

Baby, let's cruise.....away from here.

See this lovely little floating paradise? I'll be on it in 159 days!

Yes, I am spending my 50th birthday on a cruise to the Caribbean with my honey. We'll be in Costa Maya, Mexico on my actual birthday, then the next day Belize, then some islandy place in Honduras, then Cozumel, then back to our starting point of New Orleans.

I. Can't. Wait.

I've always wanted to take a cruise, and I hate to keep preaching on this whole positive thinking thing, but a couple of weeks ago I stopped "wanting" to do it, and started picturing myself on the boat. Because, according to Dr. Penny, I needed to stop focusing on why I couldn't go or haven't gone by now (too expensive, etc.) and not worry about how or why I would end up going...just see myself doing it.

Out of the blue, Michael came home last week and said he had gotten a cruise as a perk from one of the casinos he used to frequent. We just had to pay airfare to New Orleans.

Wow, I didn't see that coming! LOL

So, less than two weeks after I started changing my thoughts and seeing myself cruising the Caribbean with a drink in one hand, and my guy at my side....it's booked.

This "change your thoughts and change your life" thing is blowing my mind.

And the idea of turning 50 has just gotten so much more exciting!

Well, that about sums it up.

Happy Friday everyone! Hope you have a great weekend planned!

Caution....Mood Swing Ahead

I strongly dislike menopause.

(I would have said "fucking hate" but I'm trying to clean up my language.)

I can deal with the hot flashes.  I don't have that many of them, and usually they wake me up at like 3am, and I just kick all the covers off of me (and my guy, if he's there!) and let my constantly-running-on-medium ceiling fan cool me down for a minute.  Hot flash over, back to sleep.

I've learned to deal with the change in my hair.  What used to be thick and curly with lots of body is now much thinner, flatter and straighter.  It takes work to have a good hair day.

I can even deal with the pudge.  The wrinkles.  The body parts that have fallen and can't get up.

But the mood swings?  Sweet Jesus.  They are killing me.

The good news is that I don't have a LOT of them.   It's not like it's daily!  But about once every couple of weeks, I'm a cranky ass bitch.  EVERYBODY and EVERYTHING irritates me.  I can go from sweet and nice, to wanting to gouge your eyes with toothpicks, in seconds flat.

My poor guy isn't sure how to deal with me.  I have tried to explain to him that I am 49 years old, and menopause is a fact.  If he can't handle the occasional mood swing, he needs to date a 29 year old instead.  But be forewarned....her mood swings are called PMS.

We're women, we ALL have mood swings.  Been having them since the day we were born.

It's just that, at this age, they are more erratic and less explainable!

I went on to try and explain that for me, the whole drop in estrogen/mood swing feels like when you get an X-ray and they put that big heavy thing across you to shield you from the radiation?  Except that thing is like a frickin body condom that weighs you down from head to toe.  You can't get out from under it, you can't smile and laugh and pretend it's not there, you just have to deal with it til it's lifted.  But for about 24 hours, life isn't gonna be all sunshine and rainbows.

The good news is, at least I'm not a raving bitch.

I'm just quietly annoyed and really irritable. (OK, not always quiet about it.) (But loudly annoyed, with love.  LOL)

And then, just as quickly as it started, the mood swing is over.

The sun comes up, and the smile is back on my face.  My guy is safe to come over again.  Everything is right with the world.

Until the next one.

I'll try and give you a heads up of when you need to don your crash helmet, ok, honey?

I love this song.

I love this song, for obvious reasons. My Mom is crazy about my guy. To quote her..."I really like this guy. You'd better hold onto him!"

Consider it done, Mom.

Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......



Dave........






Dave........






Dave........




........you're a vet.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

Not so itsy bitsy.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Who the hell saw this coming? Not me!

So Dr. Penny has been telling me for years...YEARS....that I have to change my thinking in order to change my life.

I hate it when that bitch is right. LOL She NEVER lets me forget it.

Seriously though....

I finally took her advice. And I changed my perception...my thoughts...my actions. I stopped "wanting" what I didn't have, I stopped the constant barrage of negative, toxic thoughts that my marriage/divorce put into my head. I quit being "that girl", the one who was cheated on and totally fucked over by someone who was supposed to love her for the rest of her life. I stopped worrying about never being able to trust a man again, to fall in love again. Hell I even quit worrying about paying the mortgage on my condo until I found a new renter. I quit worrying about how I was going to make sure Jordan got into college...how I would afford it, etc., and how was I going to throw a going away party AND stock a dorm room with everything he needed in a month where I was paying two mortgages because I didn't have a renter? And of course, my constant fears and worries about Jordan leaving home, and my upcoming scarily empty nest.

I just stopped everything. All the negative thoughts. All the worrying. All the stressing out about stuff.

And what I started doing was thinking positively.

Living as though I had all I needed and wanted.

Being thankful for all the blessings in my life and all the blessings to come.

I started being "happy", even when I didn't feel it. Fake it til you make it, sister.

And you know what happened?

I signed the best renter for my condo, this lovely 70 years young woman (who reminds me very much of Dr. Penny herself in another 10 years!) who I pray has many healthy years ahead of her in my condo!

My son is successfully in school, and we didn't even have to pay a dime over his school loans this quarter. We had a great going away party, and I managed to find that extra $500 I needed for dorm stuff. It was "just there".

And we all know I have fallen head over heels in love with That Guy Again. With him, I am happier than I have ever been. He is such a good person, and he makes me want to be a better person than I am. The absolute best part of my day is his face first thing in the morning when I open my eyes, and the last thing I see at night. Truly, I had no idea that *this* was what being in love felt like. What being loved felt like.

My life has done a 180 in the past couple of months, and I am 100% convinced it because my thoughts, and my words, became my actions. When I lived in a constant state of fear and loss, my life was pretty sucky, I've gotta tell ya. I wasn't "living". I was just getting through the day the best I could. These days, I live in joy. I live in the positive. I have realized that I am worthy of all the wonderful things coming my way.

My God, I love my life. And I am so thankful for everything I have, and everything to come.

Do me a favor....get rid of your negative thoughts ok? There's a whole fantastic world out there just waiting on you to live it.

Thanks, Dr. Penny.  I love you.

I'm a UC Mom, the Empty Nest...and other Important Stuff.

So, my baby is officially a University of Cincinnati Bearcat.

And I'm an empty nester.

We moved Jordan to school last Thursday. Honestly, it was a great day.

We got there at 10am, and they gave us free Red Bull.  So far I loved college.  LOL  Then we got his room key....

 I got to put his room together, make his bed, do all the Mom stuff one more time...

He approved of the feather bed I bought him so that he would be comfy at night...

And I made him suffer through yet another "Mom and Me" picture....

We went to the bookstore, and I got coffee mugs for Michael and me to drink out of in the mornings....and a new shirt for me.

You should be proud of me, I didn't cry until it came time to hug him goodbye.  But the minute he said "I love you", I burst into tears and could not even speak.  So much I wanted to say to him, but all I could get out was "Please be safe and take care of yourself, ok.  I love you so much."  I know he knows everything I couldn't say (because I'd have gotten hysterical trying to get the words out, LOL), about how proud I am of him and how thankful and blessed I have been to be his Mom.  I've told him those things hundreds of times, I know he knows.  This time, I just wanted him to know I love him more than life itself, and am so excited and happy for this phase of his life to begin.

And then I cried all the way to Kings Island.  Which is only about 25 miles.  I thought that was pretty good, considering at one point during the drive down, Jordan and my boss exchanged text messages where David said "Is she curled up on the floor in a fetal position, barricading herself in the garage so you can't leave?" to which Jordan replied "No, not yet.  But I have a feeling she'll be on the hunt for an unused room after I get moved in though."

Oh Ye of little faith, I did neither.  I survived The Move of 2010.

My first weekend as an empty nester was great!  I have learned a few things about my son not living at home, such as...I don't have to worry when I walk around naked (TMI maybe, but factual) that he might walk in;  I don't have to panic anymore when I hear sirens (there is a police and fire station a block from my house, and yes I used to find ridiculous excuses to text Jordan when I would hear them to make sure he was alive....yep, I was "that mom"), my leftovers are still left over the next day to take to work for lunch; and the one who used to leave the bathroom a mess isn't me.  And the best part (which I thought would be the worst part) of not knowing what he's doing and where he is at night, is that I just pretend he's in his dorm room, and then I sleep great!

Plus, my nest hasn't been all that empty.  My guy is there a lot, which is great.  This weekend we went down to Hocking Hills and walked through the caves and stuff.  It was a lot of fun.

Later we stopped by a flea market....and I tried to get a picture of this guy with THE WORST MULLET in the history of the world.  He's standing behind Michael in this picture and unfortunately you can't see him, but he had this short hair on the front, and then the mullet part went all the way down his back.  OMG, it was hilarious.  

Oh, and at the flea market I made a purchase of my own....it was a UC Bearcat license plate thing.  I tried to post the picture here but it kept showing up sideways, and I didn't want you guys straining your necks on my behalf.  

We are moving our offices this week, so don't expect a new blog post anytime soon.  I'll be lucky to see daylight between now and next Monday.  

Hope you are all doing well.  I haven't been around to visit your blogs in ages, I've become a very bad bloggy friend.  I will try to get caught up soon, meanwhile tell me what's going on in your world!

Scenes from a party....

Had a going away party for Jordan on Friday night....a great time was had by all.

My favorite Bearcat:

Me and my guy:

>

Jordan's two Moms:

Jordan and his besties:

Jordan and Elizabeth:

Dr. Penny, Jordan and Me.  No clue why this insists on posting upside down.  Maybe we were that drunk?

My favorite place to be:

Three more days til he goes off to school.  Surreal.